There are holidays everybody love – Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, New Year, The Independence day and so on. From the outside everybody loves them, because it's a good reason to get all family together, enjoy the moments together, question everybody about their love life and job and kids and everything normal people have.

But some people are very different from the regular people, they don't talk about their loved ones, because they don't have anyone, they don't talk about the job, because that reminds getting shot or brings back memories of a dead friend. This is not what they want to talk about to a family... If they have one of course. Not everybody has a family, the parents are dead or estranged or somewhere not there.

I'd say holidays are overrated. These are just regular days. But somehow many people love it. Yeah, I am not one of those bubbly people. I like days with no meanings. I think I remember the days, when something bad happened better than the holidays.

Today is a regular day. October 28th. For most people it is a day just like any other. People don't know this day, although I can say that a lot has happened on this day. For example The Statue of Liberty was opened in NY in the year 1886, in 1492 Columbus landed on Cuba, in 306 Maxentius becomes a Roman Emperor and in 312 he is killed. Funny how Maxentius, reigned exactly 6 years and yet people usually don't know it. Just like we don't know that in 1918 Czechoslovakia is granted independence, which lasted officially until 31st December in 1992, when it split into Czech and Slovakia peacefully. I'd say that it was independent from 1918 to 1938 until the Nazis came there and after than in 1945 Soviet Union or however it is called came. And as it's known, the second half on 80ties and the beginning of 90ties were complicated in Europe, specially, where Soviet Union once was.

Why am I telling all this ? People usually don't know those little facts about the world we live in. I don't find a reason to celebrate anything today. It's just a regular day, except it isn't. Our beloved doctor Donald Mallard asked us all for a dinner at his place. He promised to cook.

It's supposed to be a great night. I can see Ducky telling a funny story, Abby laughing at the joke, Jimmy looking free and enjoying the company, Ziva laughing and making a compliment to Ducky and McGee forming a smile on his face. They are waiting for the infamous Leroy Jethro Gibbs now, and possibly me. I doubt that there is anyone else invited. I don't know if Gibbs will show up, he usually doesn't, but times have changed a lot. He might come and be all dad and really caring of Abby, Ziva and Tim.

It is great, the feeling is like no other and I don't know if I can be part of it. I don't know if I can trust those people, who think of me as some playboy or frat boy or immature teenager. I am not that. I know it and if they have noticed anything at all, then they'd know it too. But I am pretty sure they don't know it.

Abby has called Gibbs twice, me – none. They seem to be worried that the silver haired special agent won't make an appearance, but they don't care if I don't show up. Nice. I started before McGee and Ziva, but still they are cozy with people I knew before.

I could be one of them sitting around that old wooden table, eating, chatting and having fun. Yeah, it could be me, but it's not. I even don't know why. Maybe because...

"DiNozzo."

I am woken from my thoughts. I turn around to see Leroy Jethro Gibbs in front of the door looking at me. I am standing on the porch, by the window. Ducky has forgotten to pull on the curtains, so I have a good sight inside from where I am standing.

"Boss," I say.

"What are you doing ?" he asks.

"Standing, watching, thinking," I say. It's an honest answer.

"Aren't going inside ?" He asks me.

"I don't think so. But you should go. They miss you," I say.

Gibbs' face expression is priceless. He looks confused or something. It's something that happens rarely.

"Okay," he says and enters the house.

I watch as Abby storms to hug Gibbs as he enters the living room. I watch Ducky probably expressing gratefulness of his arrival, I see Ziva and McGee smile as their dad is here. Jimmy might be the only one a little uncomfortable, but he'll get over it. Gibbs is different while working.

The room is warm and happy place. I could walk in if I want to, but I don't. They seem like a happy family, at least from the outside. This happiness makes me sad.

I wanna shout.

I wanna punch something.

I wanna scream.

I wanna cry.

It all reminds me that... I am not okay.

I miss my mom.

I miss Paula.

I miss Danny, my first partner.

I miss Kate.

I miss Jenny.

All the people, who left me behind. Or who I left and then they left me. It doesn't matter, the fact is that they are no longer here.

But I am.

I'm looking through the glass what I could have, but somehow I can't get close to people, because they tend to leave me.

I see Ziva coming to window. I freeze – she will see me.

Instead she pulls on the curtains and puts me into dark. Wonder if Gibbs suggested that ?

Yeah, I don't belong to them. Me and the rest of the gang are built differently. They are family, I am not. I like to say that the apple fell far from the tree. I am not like my father. At some point I might be like Gibbs, but I don't know if it's good or bad.

The night is cold. I can see my breath. I can feel my fingers getting cold. I almost shiver.

I turn away from the window. I take a couple of steps and I am in front of the door. I don't open it. I walk away.

Me and the others – we don't belong.

I discovered that on 28th October – the day, when Czechoslovakia became independent, Columbus made it to Cuba, The Statue of Liberty was opened, Maxentius became an emperor and died... the list goes on, but I can add one more thing – the day I realized I don't belong.

I turn my back and walk away. They'll be happy. I won't.

I am not like them.

I am one of a kind.

I don't belong to them.

Maybe I don't belong to NCIS.

I am a lonely wolf.

I am me.

Antony DiNozzo Junior.

Tony.