Sequel to "hey hey you you I want to be your girlfriend". Why? Because making those two uncomfortable is the utmost pleasure of mine. And because my inspiration on parody is growing.
Contains a bit of Cale x Benny purely for the canon, and a lot of weird. xD
It was a bright shiny day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and somewhere, in the distance, Snowhite was singing. That is just how beautiful the day was.
At least for the rest of the world, that is. The Group, consisting of our beloved heroes - the elf, the undead, the unsorted green fan service, the dragon tackler, the singing dwarf and a black panther - has been leading a tense battle against a very powerful forest sprite; in their search for lost relics, which was but a mission given to them so they could earn for living, they happened to chop down a wrong tree to make themselves a shelter – apparently, the tree was a 200 years old home to a 199 years old sprite that looked like a wooden demonic old woman. And it wasn't happy his long-living home fell victim to their axes. Well, at least that is the story the sprite actually told them once it came out screaming frantically before attacking them.
„That thing simply won't DIE!" Krunch yelled out in frustration, as he once again tried to power-punch it from behind, and yet, it somehow saw him coming while trying – and succeeding - to fend off frontal attacks of a determined elf and furious, but still enchantingly hot green healer. Only this time, Benny's purpose was the exact opposite of healing.
„Boy, this is horribly fun to watch. " the undead warlock decided to comment, while comfortably sitting on a handmade hammock of feather and bear bones. He was getting better and better with his handicrafts.
„WARLOCK, if you DON'T drag you undead behind over here right now, I swear to Gods I'll KILL you!" Benny roared in pure rage, one more her spell but tackled the sprite, while it would usually turn the enemy to dust.
„I would like to see THAT happening. " Richard murmured, but finally got up. The sprite, obviously aware of the warlocks' powers, and the fact the battle might end bad for it, decided to finish it; he suddenly started to inflate, catching everyone by surprise. They all froze as the sprite increased to disgustingly big size: and then it suddenly let out a stream of energy, aiming straight for Cale.
„Oh, no way in Hell you will! " Benny yelled out frantically, and the perfect timing seemed to want both her and Richard to turn strong shield spells at the same time – it worked perfectly as the energy bounced straight back into the sprite, and to everyone's surprise, revealed its true form instead of destroying it.
The so-called sprite seemed to be a very old witch. So old, her face was almost barely human. She breathed heavily in fury as she crouched in the grass, trying to regain her strength.
"Any last words, granny?" Richard ask sweetly, while Benny held his shoulder as to stop him.
"Hold on, warlock. I want some answers. Why did you attack us? This can't be about that stupid tree." Benny checked the witch out suspiciously
"My child!" the witch suddenly gasped, her voice full of hatred and sadness.
"They… murdered my sweet little… my creation…"
"Quite possible." Richard admitted. Benny sighed.
"What are you talking about, witch?"
"My little cupid… of skin white as the milk, lips frail and red, and hair... pink as a gum!" the witch gasped, with pride, as if she were talking about an angel instead of creation.
"That is not quite flattering description, you know." Benny noticed. But Cale happened to notice the description, and glanced at Richard. He found that Richard was staring at him in surprise and shock, and realized they were thinking the exact same thing.
That f***ing cupid.
"Step aside, Benny." Cale said coldly. So coldly, Benny automatically listened, before asking:
"W-what? Cale, what is going on?"
"The witch needs to die." Richard added, him and Cale now standing before the kneeling witch, ready to kill her.
Krunch, Pella and Benny exchanged looks in confusion. This wasn't an ordinary murder. These three somehow knew about each other from before.
"YOU!" seeing him up close, the witch seemed to recognize Richard although she never saw him in person before. Cale gulped, half nervous, half vengeful.
"Quite some magic you got there, old witch. It will be a pleasure to absorb your skills... as I drink your blood." Richard noticed darkly.
The witch suddenly cackled.
"If you wish to die, feel free to feast on my fluids, Lord Ash—AAAARGH!"
Before she revealed any details, that only Gods knew how she found out, Richard decided to break her arm with an easy, little finger spell. She faced them furiously, and suddenly, like a person in fever started to mumble countless words in great, inhuman speed. Richards' eyes widened.
"KILL HER!" he roared, a surprising note of worry in his voice, and both him and Cale were about to deliver a fatal blow.
"FAHN SERVITIUM!" the witch managed to yell out a curse before receiving the fatal blow, and suddenly everything was covered in strong, red and pink light followed by a white flash... then darkness.
Hours passed. The group was lying on the grass, unconscious from the energy blow. The curse that hit Richard and Cale left them lying in the grass in a bundle. Krunch and Pella flew over the grass and almost crushed Benny, but luckily, she managed to move away from them before fainting. Sooba was looking more like it was asleep.
The witch was nowhere to be seen. On her place lied her robes, and a big pile of sparkling, sandy dust.
Cale was the first to start shifting as he regained consciousness. He felt warm for some reason. Like a nice blanket was over him. Thinking his friends must've carried him away into tent and took care of him, he opened his eyes.
He was slightly more than horrified to see Richard lying on top of him – and Cale having his arms around him.
"Good mornin' sunshine." he heard Richards dark tone, as he just woke up.
Cale all but threw away the warlock off his chest, and stood up as fast as he could without making it look weird.
"Funny you should act like that after what happened with that bloody cupid." Richard noticed.
"Please don't remind me of that." Cale moaned as he stretched.
"What happened? And that witch! Richard, she was-"
"Yes. She is one of the people making the Shipping Cupids. I hope she rots in Hell. Then again, being the Lord of Thirteen Hells, I'll make sure she does."
"I guess we made the world a better place today then." Cale never felt so good about a person dying like at that very moment.
"Yeah, but I think something is not right."
"Oh? How so?"
"The witch put a curse on us. By some logic and rules of magic, she is the only one able to lift it."
"What kind of curse was it, anyway?"
"I'm not sure. It does ring a bell... 'Fan Servitium'... but I can't remember."
"It'll come to you. Lets check on others."
It didn't take long before everyone woke up. The night was nearing so they decided to leave the discussion for after the making of the camp. When they were finally able to sit down and eat, Richard decided to tell the rest of the group a made-up story of a witch whose daughter he killed (the daughter referring to the Shipping Cupid him and Cale swore not to tell about, ever) – as he always did with people – and that he had no idea he was dealing with a witch, or as he called her "dangerous, old loony".
"They are the worst kind!" was his explanation. The girls seemed to have bought that, and Krunch merely was interested in the witch and her magic and history; Cale and Richard were going to tell them anything but the actually story of a cupid that made the two... fancy, each other for that one horrible, horrible day.
"I'm just glad that is over now. We could've been hurt warlock, if next time you don't help right away, I'll kick your bony white behind."
"I think my body figure is quite slim, thank you very much." Richard replied with a proud note.
"Hey Richard, pass me my bag please." Cale asked, pointing to the bag next to Richards feet.
"Well, OK, but only because you said please." Richard said as he lifted the bag. It was a bit heavy. When he turned towards Cale it slipped through his fingers, and both tried to catch it at the same time. It resulted in quite a cute scene of the two holding hands. Out of surprise, neither did anything to rid of each others touch, but they exchanged surprised looks.
The rest of the Group stared at them, and then cracked in a loud, deafening laugh.
"What?" the two asked, and moments later finally separated.
"You two looked SO cute right now!" Benny screamed laughing.
"Ye two sure ye aren't in a relationship after all, are ya?" Pella said through mumbled laugh.
Krunch decided to laugh some more; he couldn't stop himself, and his laughter started to sound ridiculously disturbing. It only made Pella and Benny laugh even louder.
Cale glanced at a very pissed off warlock.
"What? That wasn't my fault, I-"
"I know what the curse we were hit with is."
Cale fell silent, and group tried to do the same as they heard Richards' words.
"It... it is not anything serious, is it?" Cale asked, Benny's breathing stopped, and Krunch and Pella looked ready for the truth.
"Cale..." Richard sighed, and from some reason looked embarrassed. Richard looking embarrassed isn't an everyday sight, mind you.
"You know how those... I mean that little daughter of the witch was... 'obsessed' with...?"
"Yeah." Cale realized Richard didn't want to say anything in front of group, but he was referring to the Shipping Cupid the witch created – it fed on illusion of love it would created between two people that absolutely could not and never would not be together as lovers. Cale and Richard tried their best to forget about that event, but it wasn't that easy, when they even shared a kiss.
"Well... this witch is similar."
"Look you guys, you don't have to tell us details about what happened with witches daughter, but tell us about the curse!"
"It is a very silly and tiresome curse." Richard started before finally admitting:
"It is a curse called the Servant of Admirers, or how it is known among more common of folks, the Fan Service. It... It..." Richard looked truly ashamed for the first time ever as he turned around so he doesn't have to look at them.
"It is cast upon two people, and those two people then, with the unwanted help of the universe, which curse is making available, constantly end up in some... CUTE, SWEET, ROMANTIC situations, much like what you saw here moments ago when we held h-ha-hands." the nice words he spoke out were full of disgust though.
Silence. Richard turned around. All three, Krunch, Pella and Benny, were engaging in silent, noiseless laughter, letting out but quiet sounds of gasping and shaking from unheard amusement. You know someone is laughing hard when they can't make a sound. Krunch even turned blue as he desperately tried to get some air.
"I hope you all die of lack of oxygen." Richard angrily murmured as he marched into his tent.
Cale, on the other hand, merely felt relieved. So, he'll have to put up with some more oddity until they find a way to solve it. It is definitely better than having your skin peeling off, dying in a painful manner, or having a brain of a chicken.
He jerked when the jolly trio finally found some air to laugh out very loud.
"I'll go check if he's OK."
"Don't go too close, you might hug him by accident!" Krunch cracked a weakly developed joke, but it was enough for another round of laughs.
Cale merely rolled his eyes.
"You know, the last time you entered my tent with that tone and girly call for my name, we ended up doing stuff over which I would prefer murdering myself."
"Sorry." Cale grinned weakly.
"Do stay away from me please" Richard continued, standing in the furthest corner of the tent
"I have no intention of getting under any curse's might. To avoid any unnecessary bloodshed – although it is hardly ever unnecessary - we'll simply avoid each other for as long as we're cursed."
"What? That's absurd! You mean we can't be friend for the time being?"
"I was never your friend to begin with" Richard replied coldly. Usually, Cale would shrug off such a statement with a very simple explanation – Richard was Richard, and he hardly wanted to admit harboring of any kind of feelings towards anyone except his bunny.
But for some reason, those words left an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. He couldn't help but stare at Richard in disbelief.
Upon noticing his hurt stare, Richard sighed in despair.
"Oh elf, come on, you never look at me like that, no matter what I say."
"Yeah." Cale started to study the ground, upon which Richard groaned with frustration.
"It is obviously just the part of the bloody curse! We start to get each others words more seriously than before!" Richard tried to be rational.
"Oh. Well, alright but still, you might then refrain from such talk for the time being."
This scene is just too much.
"I'll only say this to get you off of my back – you ARE my friend. Now beat it."
But Cale didn't move. Now it was Cale's move to let out a sound of frustration.
"Apparently, it bothers me that you obviously don't mean it." even Cale, though 'hurt', felt stupid about this.
"OH COME ON."
Richard marched over to the elf, with probably the most bloodthirsty look in his eyes ever, violently grabbed his shoulders as dangerously hissed into his face:
"You. Are. My. Bloody. Friend. If you don't get that into your silly pink head right now, I'll incinerate you."
Cale made a face as if he were thinking. Or in this case, trying to realize how he felt about the statement.
"Apparently I'm all good."
"You can let go of me now."
"... didn't I?"
"Please tell me your eagerness to hold me like this IS a part of the curse?"
For his courage to ask such a question, Cale earned a fresh burn on his shoulders before Richard realized he should let go.
"We will have SO much fun with this curse, I can already see it coming."
"You better be joking, or Benny will have to resurrect you again WITH that centipede."
"Well, I was mostly talking about Benny, Krunch and Pella. I doubt you and me will have any fun with it."
"Why am I being punished?" Richard suddenly wailed dramatically.
"All I did was joke around the fact Elf is a girly person. Why did I do to deserve this?"
"You deserve a lot worse things you know." Cale muttered.
"Oh for what?"
"How about brutally killing half of population you see?"
"You really found a good time to comment my hobby after such a long time of putting up with it!"
"You did ask what you were being punished for, you know."
Richard wordlessly stared at Cale, and it took elf a moment to realize a dangerous purple aura of epic fury was surrounding the ever so proud-wounded warlock.
"I'll be going now." Cale finally nonchalantly said as he left Richard to incinerate whatever he can find.
"Psst! Hey, Cale!"
He shifted a bit, but he remained asleep. The voice sounded only half like Richards. There was a familiar other, somewhat womanly tone to it.
"Oh God, go away Rich-" he mumbled in his sleep.
"Oh you know you don't want me to."
Cale's eyes snapped open and he saw the warlock crawling over him in the most inappropriate fashion with a desperately hungry look in his eyes.
… Were those eyelashes?
"How about a kiss, sugar?"
He finally found the Godly strength to wake up from the horrifying dream. On the entrance of his tent stood Benny, calling his name.
"Gosh, you're finally awake! I've been calling you for the past whole minute!"
Cale realized his forehead was slightly covered in sweat, and he was breathing deeply. Was that a result of a nightmare, or what should've been, but thankfully wasn't, a wet dream, he couldn't tell.
"S-sorry. I had a err... slightly bad dream."
"Aww, you poor baby." her voice was suddenly smooth and womanly as she slithered in the tent and closed it behind her.
"You see, I couldn't sleep so I though I might pay you a little visit. Apparently, you need one." she purred sweetly. It was enough to ban thoughts of the dream out of Cale's head.
"Well, why didn't you say so right away." he replied as manly as his voice allowed as she sat next to him and caressed him gently. The things got hotter as she pushed him to the ground and stared at him seductively, until she asked:
"How about a kiss, sugar?"
A minute or so later, Benny angrily left the tent as Cale tried to put himself to sleep with still freshly imprinted mark of Benny's slap on his cheek.
"What the Hell happened to you?" Krunch and Cale were doing what every real man does with another man – a morning leak and cute chit-chats during it. Cale's right cheek was still red and slightly swollen.
"Long story. Well, more of a sad one, really, but I prefer to keep it to myself."
"Does it have to do with Benny's glares and her accidental loss of your underpants in a campfire?"
"Very subtle, isn't she?" Cale murmured, thinking what a beautiful time he might've had last night if it weren't for that stupid dream about-
"I made a most formidable discovery last night; sleeping on the feathery bed is much more comfy than the bears pelt! " Richard greeted them all unusually cheerfully. It only made Cale feel worse.
"I even had colorful dreams. Mostly colored red, but that's a story for another time."
"Ye people be ready? We need to go into the Nether Caves." Pella called to them, trying to avert her eyes from the unpleasant view of men doing their morning duty.
"Well, we're on the road again." Krunch said as he finished.
"And remember elf – no. Contact." Richard warned Cale from the safe distance before leaving him alone in his bush-bathroom.
The cave was dark. Unnaturally dark. And unnaturally here means, even Richards and Benny's spells of light, and usually strong light too, were barely enough too see where they were walking. It most likely had a spell over it, but that meant something was hidden here – might as well be what they were looking for.
"Stand close to each other, and DON'T. WANDER. AWAY." Krunch warned, and gave especially dangerous look to Richard, who shrugged it off. The fact he had to stand close to Cale was uncomfortable enough, and it became a bigger problem the moment they accidentally brushed each others shoulders.
"NO. I can walk by myself, thank you very much!"
"Warlock, NO!" Benny hissed and reached for his arm, and just as she got her fingers around his skinny arm she tripped. Instead of falling on the floor, she kept falling somewhere down, pulling Richard with her– where to, wasn't impossible to say in this dark.
"BENNY!" Cale yelled out in horror, and managed to catch her free hand, but wasn't prepared for the weight, and got pulled down as well. The three of them disappeared into the dark abyss bellow, with Krunch, Pella and Sooba helplessly watching them. But as they stared into the spot where they disappeared, they did notice a strange occurrence – their yelling suddenly stopped, and nothing was heard – not even the sound of their fall. Krunch felt an urge to try and touch the hole they fell through – only to discover there was no hole or abyss to begin with.
"That was a short fall, wouldn't you agree?" Richard gleefully noticed.
"Shut up, warlock."
"Whoever is touching my knee in an awkward manner, stop it now." Cale was heard.
It was pitch dark. They all got up and stood one next to another to form a circle, their back inwards, and looking into the dark.
"I saw this kind of magic before" Benny said "the more light we produce, the darker it will actually get, and then a dark hole appears; whoever falls in gets transferred in a random spot in the cave. We might be close or far, but I think we got pretty far away from them, unfortunately."
"Are we supposed to sit here then and wait till we die?" Richard noticed grimly.
"I can hurry the process of dieing if you wish."
"Actually" Benny replied, a note of annoyance in her voice "In time, when the spell realizes there is no any source of light, it will start revealing the cave to us – it can take a while though, so all we can do is sit and wait."
And so they did, sitting in the dark in awkward silence, with Richard and Cale on the edge about the curse, and Benny still angry.
"Look, Benny" Cale started "I'm really sorry about... you know."
"Shut up. Now is not the time to talk about that."
"Oh I think it is the perfect time." Richard randomly added "There is no better way to have privacy than in a dark cave. Whatever you two might discuss I will find out anyway." that last words sounded mocking.
Benny's teeth grinding sounded strong in dark silence.
"I can't believe you threw me out!" she finally spat out.
"I had no other choice!" Cale tried.
"How in the world is 'having a headache' meaning not having a choice?" she roared.
"Wowowow. Cale!" Richard sounded surprised, and slightly disapproving.
"You told you you have a 'headache'? That excuse is older than the first corpse I forced to walk the lands."
"But.. I can't really tell you, any of you..." Cale sounded shy.
"Can't tell me what? If I don't attract you anymore, you should've said so! Simple as that, there is nothing I can do!" Benny sounded almost very embarrassed and desperate; and above all angry, and that tone of hers was what brought Cale to the point where he had to say atl east SOMETHING.
"I had a very, very VERY weird dream, OK? And then you said something that reminded me of it, and I simply wasn't in the mood anymore!"
"Elf, just what in the name of everything could have you dreamed of that turned you away from enjoying a night full of hard and fun work making handicrafts?"
If they could've seen each other, both Benny and Cale knew they would be staring at Richard in disbelief. Ignoring his lack of knowledge about intimacy, Cale replied:
"None of your business."
"Tell me right now Cale, or I swear to Gods..."
"I can't! It is too private! It is too... embarrassing!"
"Do I have to enter your mind and dig through your thoughts so we can find out?" Richard gleefully asked, and Cale sensed a bony hand on his head.
"OK, FINE! I'll tell you, just don't do anything!"
Once again, silence took over, and only Cale's desperate breathing was heard before he started:
"Well... it has to do with that bloody curse." was the first thing he had to say in order to prepare them. He could practically hear Benny smirking and relaxing, as she sensed something hilarious and not at all serious on the way; the warlock, on the other hand, got upset, which he clearly announced as he suddenly said loudly, with his usual disapproving tone followed by slight panic:
"I think we should respect your privacy after all! You deserve some, I guess."
"No, no, continue Cale. After all, we can't have secrets between us, now can we?" she purred. Richard let out an annoyed sound.
"Ugh, I dreamed Richard came to my tent and called for me..."
Benny snickered. Richard hummed something that was probably supposed to be comforting him as he listened to the most horrible scenario that ever happened in a dream, and cave's silence got replaced with a strong, hearty laughter.
"Somewhere, over the rainbow, far far away,
there's a land I have killed in,
many times, hunted my prey..."
"Ye sure we should be sittin' in dark like this?"
"If I remember my studies right, and I always do, yes."
Thanks to Krunch's memory of an elephant, Pella, him and Sooba were alreadyin the process of lifting the spell, and soon enough, the spell lifted, and Cave was lightened by faint, golden light of an undefinable source.
"Now to find Benny and those idiots. Hopefully they aren't too far away." just as Krunch said those words, a loud, strong laughter shook the walls of the cave. Krunch smiled as he hear a familiar laughter that he had heard so many times.
"So what were you laughing at anyway?" Krunch asked as they all left the cave about two hours later. There was no sign of any relics or treasure, but they did find a note saying 'gottcha!'.
"Oh, Cale was telling me a funny story." Benny merely said. Cale sighed with relief, until she added:
"I'll tell you over a nice warm campfire and some food." and gave an amused look to Richard. He looked away.
"One day, when you least expect it, you'll wake up with your hair shaven." he said, so darkly one would've thought he was speaking of murder.
"I'll be prepared." she cackled, earning more odd looks from Krunch and Pella.
Cale facepalmed, and felt a bony hand of compassion on his left shoulder.
"You and I are in for some long, long, LONG days of laughs."