This chapter will be the crucial point for both Santana and Brittany individually I guess. I'm almost finished with the next one so you won't have to wait long!
Thank you all :)
Chapter 11 *Revelations*
Brittany's POV… a week later…
The day was beyond tiring and she can't remember last time she drank water or did something to keep her body hydrated. That's probably why her head is aching slightly when she sinks down on her couch and a long sigh escapes her lunges.
Maybe the headache is also a result of concentrating too much. Shelby gave her so much work to do and Brittany barely ever had a real break to get some coffee in the past week.
Or… or the headache is simply because of worrying.
When she and Santana watched the flirting seagulls by the sea last week and held each other close – everything felt a little bit ok although it wasn't of course. Nothing's ok and she knows it. She can't expect Santana to go for it just because they are attracted to each other.
She's married to someone who seems to be a real nice guy and you don't just throw away a relationship you've had for three years. That's what Santana told her at the Café… she told her a little bit about Gabe and their marriage.
Santana seemed really insecure though. Like she didn't quite believe her own words when she said that the marriage started out great and loving.
But Brittany doesn't want to make assumptions and hope that maybe Santana thinks marrying Gabe had been a mistake. She doesn't know how they are together. They could be a sweet couple. And that's something she really doesn't want to picture.
The only thing she's allowed to hope, is that Santana will not forget the firework that exploded inside both of them when they kissed. She knows Santana felt it, too…
Because when they said goodbye that afternoon, standing between their cars and wordlessly getting lost in each other's eyes, Santana had looked at her with such pleading eyes. Brittany had stepped close to the brunette and whispered into her ear.
'We'll figure something out…'
It's a week later and she still doesn't know what she was trying to say with those words. Because figuring it out would mean making sacrifices either way… and she has no idea what Santana wants. She probably doesn't know, either.
And that's why they agreed to take some time. Brittany doesn't want Santana to rush into making decisions that the Latina might regret later and there will be three broken hearts and no happy ending.
They saw each other at the cafeteria every day but didn't sit together. What they did was throw stolen glances between all the Sylvester co-workers, hoping they would catch that glimpse of the other.
They sat next to each other during a conference with Shelby, Rachel and a whole other bunch of people she hadn't worked with so far. Santana had been late a couple minutes and of course the only seat left was the one next to Brittany.
Brittany whispered to Santana what she had missed of the conference and the brunette smiled at her thankfully. They somehow managed to stay professional and honestly, Brittany was just glad that they didn't avoid each other. Of course it was weird to sit next to each other at a round table for two long hours and the only thing they talked about was the October issue of the magazine.
But Santana had asked her for an opinion and Brittany's cheeks were getting warm when their eyes locked above the papers lying between them. Also their knees bumped together under the table and Brittany mumbled a 'sorry' but the brunette only gazed at her.
And then yesterday they spoke on the office phone real quick because Brittany needed to confirm an appointment for an interview with a pop singer, as she had managed to arrange another get-together. The way Santana whispered 'bye' over the phone… as if she wasn't just saying goodbye but also many other things. All those things that Brittany was feeling.
And today their paths crossed in the hallways but Santana was with Quinn and so they just said hi and smiled.
That smile… when did she become such a sap? Because that smile made her feel all seventeen again. Boom-boom her heart went and made her chuckle once the two had been out of sight.
And now here she is; lying on her couch, staring at the ceiling thinking of Santana and that she already misses being around her. There is something about her… something really special.
Something she has never seen in a person before. Pure and vulnerable… and well… a really good kisser.
She almost falls off the couch when there is a loud knock on the door. Puck…
He had texted her in the morning and asked if she was up for dinner and a movie. She answered that she was too exhausted but that he could come over if he liked and they could watch a movie at her place.
She swings her legs over the edge of the couch and gets up on her feet to go open the door and let her friend in.
"Mamacita!" He greets her and lets his fist bump against her limp one.
"H'llo" She mumbles and Puck frowns.
"What's the matter? You look like you've had a shit day or something. But don't worry; Pucky Puck is here now to cheer you up… if you know what I mean." He grins and motions to the sixpack beer in his one hand and Chinese take-away in the other.
Brittany smiles tiredly and takes the food out of his hands so he can take off his jacket and come inside.
Once they have made themselves comfortable in front of the TV and both are munching on some Sushi and spring rolls, Puck kicks her shin.
"Ow… what was that for, ass?" She growls before swallowing a big piece of tuna and damp rice.
"You still haven't answered my question. What's wrong?" He replies without pulling his glance away from the TV.
"How do you wanna know something's wrong? I'm good."
"Because I've known you for seven years and know when something is bothering you? Come on… it's me – Pucky. You can tell me anything."
"First of all; Pucky is a real turn-off, so stop calling yourself that. And second; I don't wanna talk about it" She mutters and takes another bite.
"So there is something. Why don't you wanna talk about it?"
"Because it's hopeless."
"What?" He turns his head and Brittany can see his wondering glance from the corner of her eyes. It's not like she hasn't thought of telling Puck. If there is one person who understands trouble with the ladies; it's Puck…
But also the thing with Santana is so vulnerable and secretive – she doesn't want to jinx it. But then again Puck is a real good friend and he knows how to keep a secret.
"Well… considering the fact that you're gonna be here all Friday night and won't stop asking until I give in; I guess I can just save the energy and actually tell you." She mumbles and pokes in her box of noodles.
"Uhm… there is someone. I guess… sort of."
She throws a quick glance to her side and already regrets it because Puck's eyes are about to pop out of his head. He actually looks like he just won the lottery or something as crazy as that.
"Get the fuck out!" He shouts and Brittany actually startles a little. "What are you saying there is someone? Who is she? And why is she not lying in your bed receiving some sweet lady lovin' from you right now?"
"Oh God…" Brittany groans because this is so typically Puck. But also it's making her turn red from head to toe because the imagination of that specific scene he just mentioned, makes the food taste hotter than a minute ago. "It's not… that's not what it is, ok?"
"What? It's not what? You're not making sweet lady love to her?"
"Why? I wanna know!"
Brittany sits up on the couch and puts the food box on the coffee table. She hides her face in her hands and shakes her head.
"Brittany – what the heck is going on? Who are you talking about and why are you being embarrassed?"
"I'm not embarrassed…" She mumbles between her hands but knows she doesn't sound convinced.
"And then why did you just turn as red as a tomato?"
She sighs and slowly looks up. There's no chance to try changing the subject. Once Puck suspects something, he's not to be tamed.
"Britt… who were you talking about? You just said that you should save the energy and tell me so… who the hell is she-"
"Okay okay! God… well… I guess there is kind of – there might be something going on between me and…" She hesitates and Puck raises his hands. "Me and Santana?"
His eyes widen immediately and he actually drops one of his chopsticks.
"You're kidding, right? You're trying to piss me off or something because that's impossible."
"W-why is that impossible?"
"Uhm – because she's married?" Bam… she sort of hoped that Puck had forgotten about that little detail. "That's what you told me remember? That night at the pool bar when I was trying to hit on her?"
"Which she found quite hilarious by the way" Brittany shrugs because she can't resist.
"Come on, Britt, I'm serious. You told me I wouldn't stand a chance so what makes you think you do?"
Brittany swallows and stares at her hands.
"Because… we kissed." She hears how Puck growls and she's pretty sure he's shaking his head and thinking: 'Silly silly Brittany… so blind and naïve.'
"You kissed?" He asks and Brittany nods slowly. "And then what? You hooked up? She told you she's bi?"
"What? No! We just kissed… look, I know you probably think I'm just trying to get into her pants-"
"But I'm not! I… that hasn't happened in a long while and you know it. I'm over that phase and I'm not trying to play with her…" Her voice cracks and she bites her lip because she didn't think she'd get quite so desperate. Puck studies her from the side and shrugs.
"Then what are you trying to reach? Even if you kissed… she's a married woman. What's there to get?"
Brittany closes her eyes because normally she would agree with Puck. If this was about one of those countless girlies in her past, she would agree and forget about her. Hell, she wouldn't even try to get closer to that girl because it'd be a helpless case.
"I'm… I'm not trying to reach anything" She mumbles and shrugs weakly. "I mean… I know there is like zero chance because she has a husband and… but also I can't help but think there actually is a very tiny chance that… that – that-"
"That what, B?" He asks softly and when she feels a hand on her shoulder, she almost bursts into tears. Where did that come from all of a sudden? The lump in her throat hurts so badly when she parts her lips.
"That she thinks the same about me" Puck seems to ponder about her words for a minute.
"What do you mean? What do you think about her then?"
Brittany chuckles at what she about to say because it makes her feel so childish.
"That she's the most special person I've ever met…" Puck's hand squeezes her shoulder and she knows what he's gonna say next.
"You're saying… even more than Diane?" He whispers and Brittany presses her eyelids together. This is exactly what she was always so scared of. This is why she never called back those women who would have potentially been interested in her.
She was scared to find someone who would make her feel something. Because she didn't deserve to develop feelings or fall in love with someone else… it would have been so unfair. She always knew that she would have to move on once Diane wasn't there anymore and she sort of already has. But it still seems so endlessly unfair. Just not fair…
Hot tears are rolling down her cheeks and she shakes her head, trying to apologize but Puck is already pulling her into his arms. She buries her face in his chest and grabs his shirt because she feels like she's losing ground or something.
"Britt-baby… it's ok" He whispers and wraps his arms tightly around her body. He kisses her forehead and she thinks he even wipes off some of her tears but she's too busy sobbing to really know. "Britt… don't cry. You don't have to feel guilty about that."
"But… I mean how can I have feelings for someone when Di had to go before we had the chance to fall out of love?" She asks with bitter tears and Puck softly strokes over her back.
"You two weren't left with a choice… there was no possible way that you could have stopped the inevitable and that is why it's ok. It's been two years…" How does Puck come up with the cheapest pick-up lines and tell the dirtiest jokes – but always knows exactly how to say such adult and rational things in situations like these?
"You think so?" She breathes and feels his head nodding.
"Yeah… it's a fact, Brittany. And I know Santana is married and I should be mad at you but… I mean I've never seen you having it this bad for someone ever since Diane. And that means it must be something really special."
The tears have stopped running and she's now breathing steadily with her head still resting on Puck's shoulder.
Maybe he's right… it does sound reasonable.
But then again – why would she be as lucky and someone like Santana would really be interested in her? As in actually want to see if there is more? That's like… a whole lot of luck you need.
Santana's POV… the same day…
"I'm sorry I didn't make it home for dinner" Gabe apologizes once he steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist. He steps next to me in front of the sink and our eyes meet in the mirror. I cover my mouth to speak, as I am brushing my teeth.
"It's okay. I didn't cook today."
"Yeah but Friday is date night and I didn't make it…"
I spit out and rinse my mouth before shrugging softly.
"It's not like you ever made it in the past six weeks" I comment and put my toothbrush away while Gabe reaches for his.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks and grabs the toothpaste.
"It means we haven't gone out in forever and you don't even know it."
He stops his movement when he guides the toothbrush to his mouth and my eyes bore into his in the mirror.
"Of course I know it" He says low and there is regret in his voice. "You know how busy work is right now and then there was the trip to Kenya – I'm sorry."
"Is it even something you still want?" I ask and shrug. "Date night? Because if Friday never seems to work out, then why didn't you ever suggest another day? I know you're tired on weekdays but… I mean I'm often tired, too."
Gabe presses his lips together and then puts his toothpaste down next to the sink. He turns to the side and reaches for my wrist so I have to face him, too. His hand wanders up to my shoulder tentatively and he waits until we're making eye contact that lasts longer than a second.
"I have neglected you… and I wish my work wouldn't ask so much of me. But this is something I can't change. Santana… I hope we can go on a date soon, again. I'll try to make time, ok?"
I force a smile and nod before turning around. I open a drawer under the sink and reach for the current package of my birth-control pill. I realize that I have forgotten to take one yesterday and sigh inwardly.
"Oops…" I mumble and swallow down a pill with a sip of water from the faucet.
"What? Missed another?" Gabe asks with his mouth fool of toothpaste.
"Yeah… I already forgot one last week." I put the pills back into the drawer and stand on my toes to peck Gabe on the cheek. "I'm going to bed…"
He nods and rinses his mouth with water.
"Okay. Will be there in a bit, just need to floss."
I nod and then turn around to leave the bathroom.
I'm cold in my underwear and t-shirt and so I quickly slip under the covers and turn off the light on my side of the bed.
I'm trembling a little and pull the blanket up to my nose to warm up. I love it when I put on a freshly laundered duvet because I always feel so light and comfortable.
It really doesn't take long until I drift off with that scent in my nose and so I don't hear how Gabe comes back from the bathroom but feel the mattress sink a little when he lies down. I snuggle into the pillow and I'm ready to fall asleep when a hand reaches under my shirt and strokes my belly.
It's a shock to my system because it's been weeks that Gabe has touched me like this. I don't know why. I stiffen at the contact as it comes out of nowhere. Only when he scoots closer and spoons me from behind, I relax after a minute of just lying there.
He starts kissing my neck and I cover his hand on my stomach because that's what you do when you're about to sleep with each other. You touch.
"I've missed you…" He whispers and his hand slowly wanders up until it's cupping my left breast and he starts kneading it right away. Something inside me goes off like a siren and everything in my head is turning like I'm on a carrousel.
Oh God no… this is not possible. My whole body cramps and it feels like I have turned into a wooden board or something.
He turns me on my back and starts kissing my cheeks when I feel cold sweat forming on my forehead. How can this be? Why do I want him to stop touching me? Ten minutes ago I was complaining about the lack of date nights and now that he's trying make us become closer again, I stiffen like a Barbie doll.
He pushes up my shirt until my bare chest is revealed and I shiver because it's still so cold.
"Gabe…" I whisper and swallow the lump when his hand wanders down from my chest to the hem of my underwear. "Gabe I'm tired"
Through the material of his boxer shorts I can feel his erection against my thigh and when his hand dips into my underwear, I grip his wrist so hard to stop him.
"Why sweetheart?" He breathes and his palm rests somewhere between fabric and skin. "We haven't done it since before I went to Kenya… are you really tired?"
I'm panting but not because I'm turned on and my fingers are still clutching at his wrist when I try to breath normal.
"I know… but… you saw I forgot to take the pill yesterday. We can't have sex now." It's simple. It's logic. But not the reason. I'm pretty sure Gabe still has a pack of condoms in the drawer of his bedside table since before I started taking birth control.
"Maybe we still could…" He whispers after a while and I knit my eyebrows together because I don't get it. "I mean… why not?"
"Didn't you hear what I just said? I forgot to take the pill. You're the doctor, you know that means it can get you pregnant, right?"
I'm pretty sure all the color has left my face and I'm glad no one can see in the dark. My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat feels as dry as Styrofoam. It's silent in our bedroom and it almost suffocates me.
"Honey?" His voice penetrates the silence and I'm not sure if I have just passed out or something.
"I mean – why not, Santana?" He pulls his hand out of my underwear and I quickly grab the hem of my shirt to cover up my exposed body. He scoots back a little and I close my eyes for a minute. I can't believe we're gonna talk about this.
Actually… it was only a matter of time when this would come up. But I'm not even close to ready for that.
"Seriously… maybe we could actually think about starting a family now." I turn my head and when I can't see his face, I have to sit up and turn on the lights.
We both narrow our eyes and I let my hands run through my hair.
"Start a family?" I ask and slowly shake my head. "Gabe… this comes out of nowhere."
He props himself on his elbow and tilts his head.
"Well… does it? I mean soon we'll be married for two years. Wouldn't the next step be starting a family?"
"Uhm… maybe but – no I mean… I'm twenty-three and an intern right now. Don't you think this is a little early?" I stare at him. He shrugs and parts his lips after a short while.
"But I'm not twenty-three anymore. Actually I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple weeks."
"You're serious?" I gasp and Gabe nods.
"Why not? I'm at a point of my life where I have to think about this and decide what I still want to reach in life. I mean… I don't wanna become a father at the age of fifty-fife and not make it to my kid's college graduation."
I stare at him and I'm pretty sure horror is written over my face.
"And I don't wanna become a mother at the age of twenty-four and give up my career so early, only to realize that I'm suffering from serious depression, once I'm of fifty-fife!"
Gabe bites his lip and while I win our staring contest – this feels like I am losing way bigger.
Tonight will not end like the nights used to end until yesterday. I already know this much.
I try to calm down my inner turmoil because Gabe looks like a world is falling apart.
"Gabe… We've only talked about having kids once or twice before we got married. It's your right to want a family but it's my right to not be ready for that right now."
Gabe looks back and forth between my eyes and his hand and shrugs softly.
"Will you ever be ready?"
"I'm serious. Will you ever want kids with me, Santana?" I swallow because I don't know what to say. This seems like an impossible question to answer right now when it's actually so simple. Every wife should know if she wants to have children with her husband, right? It's something so natural – why am I having such a hard time?
"I… I don't know." I stammer and the lump in my throat swells again. Gabe sits up on the mattress and scratches his forehead.
"Okay… And you didn't think it would have been fair to tell me that before we got married?" He asks.
"When you and I got married, I was very happy and I could picture starting a family with you – one day" I admit but my voice is weak.
Gabe looks up and his forehead is in deep frowns.
"You were happy?" He asks confusedly and I am confused, too.
"You just said that you were happy… are you not anymore?"
This is the moment where the night could not possibly turn any worse. I have asked myself this question over and over again. Secretly. Hoping that Gabe would never wonder.
But that's not completely true… while I'm scared to death about answering that question – this is where I have to be honest.
"Gabe… can you look me in the eye and say that you have been completely happy? In the past weeks? Months even?"
"Because… I think we both have been so busy with work and life next to our relationship, that we didn't even realize how much our marriage has turned into this state of something between lovers and friends. I don't even remember the last time we did something like cuddling in front of the TV. We come home and leave for work at different times of the day. And now we realize that we have complete different ideas of what's to come in the near future. No… I'm not happy anymore."
Gabe nods slowly and the bitterness is written all over his face.
"I can't believe that one month ago, I was in a working marriage and now we're suddenly talking about a future not working out? I mean… those things can't just happen overnight, Santana! Do you really want to throw it all away?"
We stare at each other for some mute seconds and I keep shaking my head.
"Gabe - one month ago our marriage worked perfectly fine because we never talked about those things. It doesn't mean that these problems weren't there – we just didn't realize they were about to come to the surface. How can you think I want to throw it all away? That's not even possible – you can't 'throw away' a marriage of a year and a half."
I scoot a bit closer on the mattress so we can look into each other's eyes.
"But it doesn't change the fact that we don't want the same things to happen…" Gabe studies me for a couple seconds and raises his hands.
"So we're actually thinking about splitting up? I mean… seriously?" He asks puzzled.
"I… I'm just as overwhelmed as you right now. I don't know what to say to you."
"But you can say if you either want to work things out or if you don't want to work on them, Santana."
I sigh frustrated because this is going nowhere but down.
"I don't think this is something we can work on. I won't change my mind about starting a family in the next couple months. We should have talked about this way sooner and I'm sorry we didn't!"
Gabe gets up from the bed and makes a couple steps. Then he turns to look at me and puts his hands on his hips.
"Great… this is really great, Santana! Now what? What am I supposed to tell my parents? What are your parents gonna say?"
"I don't have the nerve to think about my parents right now. So please… I don't know what's gonna happen next" I mumble frustrated. I watch how Gabe shakes his head and then grabs a pair of blue jeans. He puts them on hastily and ten seconds later he's fully dressed and leans over the mattress to grab his phone from the bedside table.
"Where are you going?" I ask eventually and my eyes follow him until he's standing at the door.
"I'm staying at Roger's tonight. Because I really don't think we're gonna kiss and make up, or are we?" His voice is so much weaker than before and I swallow.
"No…" I shake my head and with one last glance, Gabe is out the door. I press my palms to my face and try to get a clear thought.
My heart hammers in my chest. My mind is blank.
Brittany's POV… maybe two hours later…
Puck has left ten minutes ago and she's cleaning up the living room because somehow he always leaves the biggest mess.
She puts her beer into the fridge as she only had a couple sips and when she reaches out to turn off the light in the living room, there is a soft knock on the door.
Her glance scans the couch because what is it that Puck forgot? There's nothing, she has cleaned everything up.
Is he too drunk to call a cab? He only had two beers… With a big frown she scuffs across the living room and opens the door, ready to give him a fake-annoyed glance.
But when she sees that there is no big guy with a Mohawk standing out there but a slim, dark haired beauty – she's speechless and the only thing that leaves her lips is a breath.
"Santana…" She says eventually and wants to look up and down the brunette's body to make sure she's really standing there in front of her door at 1 o'clock in the morning. But her eyes don't make it past Santana's chin as it's trembling and when she inspects her face, she can see that the Latina is completely broken.
"Santana" She repeats bit louder and forces the woman to look up into her eyes. "What happened?"
Santana shrugs. That's all she does.
Brittany knows that you don't need to be a genius to know that the brunette will burst into tears if she opens her mouth in order to answer something. And honestly… after her crying fit at Puck's shoulder – she has seen enough tears for the day.
And so she steps out the door and in front of Santana. She cups her face with both her hands, waits until the Latina closes her eyes and then presses their lips together for one single kiss.
Just for a warm second. And just to show her… that no matter why Santana is here – she doesn't want her to leave.
Bit nervous about what you have to say after reading this chapter. Because there was quite a bit "Santabe". But I needed to explain before more can happen between Santana and Brittany.
The next chapter is almost finished and I'll try to give it to you very soon as it will be all Brittana to make it up to you ;)
Let me know your thoughts!