Monday 13th February
What a day and it's only lunch break! For a Monday morning at Scotland Yard, this has been more interesting than most. And yes, I am taking into account the morning we investigated a corpse with a missing eyeball that smelled suspiciously of toast. You see, for someone in the forensics department, such as myself, that kind of stuff just doesn't faze you anymore, *brushes off shoulders*.
No, today's surprise wasn't some palpable body to pick apart, a new and thrilling case, or even a happy announcement that Sherlock was eaten by a rabid armadillo (I for one am still hoping and praying for that day). Instead, it was a proposition from Lestrade. I didn't exactly hear it from Lestrade, but rather through the famous Scotland Yard rumour mill. Specifically from a lad named David, in my division. And let me tell you, it was interesting. It went something like this,
David: Did you hear about Lestrade's Valentine's day party?
Me: No...should I have?
David: Oh no, I've only just gotten word. Everyone's invited.
David: Yeah. The only weird thing is that he's throwing it this Friday, and the actual Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Oh well, I guess you can't complain.
I, for one, hadn't known the real Valentine's Day was tomorrow. I knew it was coming up, if you remember my plans of buying gifts for the women in my life (and, for those interested, I did score an amazing deal on the new Swiffer model for Sally), but I never had kept such close tabs on very frivolous holidays. In short, Valentine's Day is for sissies. But I didn't want David, the very epitome of a sissy, to think I wasn't well-versed in the holiday of Valentine's Day, so I just nodded.
A party... I can't remember the last time I went to one of those. I wonder if there will be alcohol involved. If so, maybe I can get Sally to forgive me about the picture and other offenses I've accumulated on her behalf (they're all really long stories, one involving an excited spider monkey, a ridiculous purple coat, and nine gallons of maple syrup... Maybe I'll tell it sometime).
I decided to check with Lestrade to make sure I truly was invited to the party. I mean, it was natural that anyone would want me to come to their get-together, but I did want to clarify, just to be safe. Lestrade said of course I could come (as I predicted), but he seemed a bit steely when I told him about my plans to "collect dem drunk bitches like a stack of baseball cards" (it'll happen). Lestrade probably is just threatened by me. How embarrassing for him to have no hope in seducing the ladies at his own party. I almost feel bad for him. Lestrade is single, I'm pretty sure... I don't even think he has cats. If he has I must schedule a play-date with Mr. Buttons and Avondale (THE WIFE TREATS OUR CATS LIKE CHILDREN, OKAY?).
Wow, how did I get to be rambling about my cats and Lestrade? There's more of the conversation to report. I was curious about whether He Who Has Ridiculous Hair (Sherlock) was going to be there.
Me: So, everyone from Scotland Yard is invited?
Lestrade: Yeah, and a few others.
My Sherlock-avoiding senses were tingling by then. It did not look good. "Others?" I inquired, trying not to let on that my entire wellbeing at the party, and possibly for the rest of my life, would be determined by his answer.
Lestrade: Other people who help us on the cases and such.
Me: So you mean like... Molly?
Lestrade (a bit pink in the cheeks): Yes, I saw it fit to invite her
too. But also people who really help on the crime scene...
Me: Oh, so you mean like Watson.
Lestrade: Yeah, of course him. I think you know who else, Anderson. You know, the person who we couldn't solve 9/10 cases without...
Me: Laura from accounting?
Lestrade: What does Laura from accounting have to do with this?
Me: She does our taxes...
Lestrade: Sure, Laura can come, but we both know that's not who I meant.
Me: Ellen DeGeneres?
Lestrade: No it is not Ellen DeGeneres!
Me: It's Sherlock isn't it.
*Side Note: I was sure Ellen DeGeneres was a shoe-in. Lestrade's being very rude not inviting her.
*Second Side Note: Laura from accounting is coming! This could prove quite beneficial if you know what I mean.
I can't believe Sherlock is coming to the party. He's sure to absolutely RUIN everything.
Sherlock just burst into the forensics lab. I HATE IT when he does that, all bat-like and mysterious so you just know Bram Stoker's Dracula is a distant relation. Watson's here too, hedgehog-y as ever. The pair of them are both so insufferably annoying, which is probably the reason no one will go out with them and they just shag each other (I strongly suspect).
-HOW SHERLOCK AND JOHN'S DATES PROBABLY GO-
1. They do something lame and cliché, like bowling.
3. Sherlock probably sucks at bowling so John has to help him not be such a fail.
4. He probably like guides Sherlock's arm with the bowling ball so he can at least know down a couple of pins, or something equally gay.
5. Oh my god... Did I actually just type that? I can feel myself retching.
6. Sherlock is then extremely annoying until it's time for them to go out to eat (at some lame restaurant).
7. Hopefully the restaurant has hedgehog food for John...
8. Sherlock deduces some random crap that no one cares about.
9. Ewwwww then they would probably kiss.
10. They are gay, totally gay.
11. I forgot 2...
I think I'm going to get up and tell them that no one wants them or their rainbow pride at Lestrade's party.
I did it. This is what I said:
"Sherlock, Doctor Watson, I am speaking on behalf of all of Scotland Yard when I say, you are not welcome in our social circle. Lestrade, at least, appreciates the help you bring when solving crimes, but you will never be welcome at his parties. John, you could be reconsidered if you ditched the vampire. Secondly, we all know you are obsessed with each other so stop pretending otherwise. Oh, and Sherlock, YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT, BUT YOU'RE NOT!"
Kidding. That's what I should've said. Here's what I actually said:
"I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you both in the past and would like to offer my arm in friendship (just friendship, you crazy gays). Hopefully we can move on from this stint of unneeded hatred in peace
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! What do you think this is, an after school special? I didn't say that either. What I truly said was this:
"You better not come to Lestrade's V-Day party, you annoying gays!", and then I prodded Sherlock.
I... I cannot say it went over well. John actually shoved me; a HEDGEHOG was VIOLENT with me! This must be a new low.
"We'll come to whatever party we want," he snarled (lol, hedgehog snarl).
"Our attendance is unavoidable," Sherlock continued, and then he sneered at me. "You shouldn't use gay as an insult. Sexuality has no place in put-downs, and it would be far more effective to call someone, I don't know, an Anderson!"
John was nodding vigorously. "And, if anyone on the planet actually cares," he added as an afterthought, "I actually am straight."
Haha. It's so funny when he says that for some reason. Maybe because it's a COMPLETE LIE. Needless to say, I am happy to report that Sherlock and John are now leaving. Without them around we can finally get some work done.
Ughhhh, Sherlock and John are back. Following up on some evidence sample or some other useless thing. They were giggling disgustingly, giggling! Also, they glanced in my direction. They may have won this battle but I'm determined to win the war. Aaaand, I just spilled disinfectant all over me. I hate my life.