Meet Haruhi Suzumiya.

She's hot-blooded cowboy cop who follows her own rules and lets nobody get in her way. She's on a mission to find out what happened to her partner, who mysteriously disappeared 4 years ago. You might say she's a "loose cannon," but is kept around because she gets results.

Meet Mikuru Asahina.

She's timid, shy, unbelievably beautiful, and has a generally pacifistic nature. She's also a fresh, green rookie straight out of the academy whose innocent, idealistic notions about the world are about to be horribly challenged. And for the record, I'm almost positive she's not a time traveling battle waitress from the future.

Together, they fight crime!

Or at least that's supposed to be the premise of this story. Yeah, I know. It's overused, incredibly generic, and terribly cliché. But at least it's a concept people can follow, right? Not something entirely incomprehensible that only the creator could understand.

I suppose "Yeah, but at least it's not (X)" isn't a really good selling point. By the way, all of these characters are fictional, and have no resemblance to anyone they might remind you of in real life. Although I'm willing to bet if it came down to it, this movie would serve as evidence in a court of law as to why the two heroines should never be allowed to touch a real firearm.

Putting all artistic justifications for this movie's existence aside for now, our story begins in a warehouse, where two bad guys are talking to each other. How do we know they're bad guys? Well, it probably has something to do with the ski masks both are wearing. Nevermind why anyone would be wearing a ski mask, indoors, on a fairly warm autumn's day, in a warehouse which isn't well ventilated. Maybe the masks are a part of their gang symbol, or they have reason to keep their identities secret from each other.

Ignoring their choice of apparel, these two bad guys appear to be the only two people in this sprawling warehouse, which, judging by appearance seems to exist for the purpose of storing empty crates. However, the tall guy opens his mouth to dispel my theory, talking way too loudly considering his partner is right next to him.

"I sure hope the boss gets here soon. Guarding all of these DRUGS sure is a major pain."

"That's right. But if we didn't guard these DRUGS, than who would?"

Ah, thank you for summing up the situation quite nicely, nameless henchmen #1 and #2. The loud monotone and over emphasis on the word "Drugs" could paint this situation as a shoddy sting operation, or maybe even a trap. I'm afraid that would actually be clever though, and it's sadly just bad acting.

The camera slowly pans away from the henchmen, looking over the rest of the warehouse, before finally coming to a stop on an important looking pair of double doors. After a badly disguised cut in which the camera angle abruptly shifts, the doors burst open with a loud bang!

"Yahoo! In the name of the Police Department, I order you to surrender!"

Our reckless heroine Haruhi Suzumiya makes her first appearance as she kicks open the door, carrying what appears to be a sub-machine gun of some sort. Timidly poking her head around the corner, Mikuru Asahina can be seen, wearing a stunningly great police uniform. Although with a short skirt and heels, it doesn't strike me as the type of thing you'd wear when getting into a shoot out with drug smugglers. To contrast, Haruhi was wearing civilian clothes, with only a badge on her chest marking her as anything more than a crazy woman with a gun.

"A-ah, y-you are all under arrest! Under sus… suspicion of..."

Feebly, Mikuru enters the scene and pleads for a peaceful resolution. It seems Haruhi had another plan in mind. Despite her original request for surrender, she immediately opens fire, before the bad guys have even made a response.

*Blam blam BLAM* The stock sound effects for guns roar as the two henchmen are blasted backwards by the jaw-dropping force of 9mm bullets, straight into a conveniently placed pile of cardboard boxes.

"Hey! It's Suzumiya, get her!"

Two more henchmen pop up from behind some different crates, with the exact same clothes, masks, and body types as the two who just died. Now, it would be easy, and downright logical to assume that these two are the same two actors playing generic mooks here. After all, extras aren't that easy to come by. But who knows? Without taking that into context, this scene could easily look like they both have super-regeneration power and the ability to teleport as long as the camera isn't looking at them. Regardless of your take, the two pull out their own weapons to begin firing at our two heroines.

Absolute chaos ensues. Haruhi discards her submachine gun, and pulls out two pistols, charging and firing blindly! Mikuru rushes into the room screaming and covering her head as she dives for cover. The two henchmen are continuously shown shooting back at Haruhi, who is standing in the middle of the room, completely in the open, but never once seem to hit her. In comparison, the henchmen are shown getting shot and dying in numerous locations, mostly ones that have convenient cardboard box piles nearby, although there is one scene in which Henchman #1 gets shot off a catwalk that was incredibly difficult to pull off. Each death is accompanied by the exact same scream, suggesting that the sound effects editor was either incredibly lazy, or he thought using it over and over might be a little funny.

As the fight drags on, even Mikuru gets her chance to shine, as she bravely leans over the crate and takes careful aim with her pistol. Her target is not the two henchmen shooting back at her, but the barrel next to them; painted brightly red that sticks out like a sore thumb.

Boom! With stock footage of explosions like that, it's amazing the whole building didn't come down on top of us. The action is almost done now; it's time for the final maneuver! Haruhi charges straight for the last two bad guys full speed, leaping with amazing grace, slow motion, and several takes worth of footage over a particularly small crate, as she fires her guns in midair.

It's a success! Haruhi lands in a graceful crouch, Henchman #2 dead at her feet, already basking in her victory.


"This is as far as you go, Suzumiya."

Oh no, she miscalculated! There's still one last Henchman #1 left, and he's standing over her with a gun pressed to the back of the head. This is it, she's done for! Haruhi knows she can't get out of this one; it looks like all her hard work has been for nothing!


"I w-won't let you hurt my partner!"

And Mikuru comes to the rescue just in time! Even with her partner's life in danger though, her heart is still pure, so she shoots the henchman in the leg to avoid killing him. As the poor guy rolls around clutching his wound in agony, (which by the way, without immediate medical attention would actually have a high chance of killing him) Haruhi leaps up from her near death experience to give her partner a resounding high-five.

"You did it Mikuru! Great job, we'll make a real officer out of you yet. Now go ahead and cuff him!"

"Gah. Just kill me now; I'll never tell you what you want!"

And with that, our action packed prologue ends as the camera pans up towards the sky. Of course, since we're still indoors, this just results in a shot of the ceiling, and a bunch of harsh industrial lights. The title card drops onto the screen, and the opening song begins to play as we're treated to a montage of Haruhi and Mikuru doing various cop related things.

The opening theme tune is actually kind of catchy, sung as a duet by both heroines. While one is actually quite talented, I'm afraid the other is really a dreadful singer. I'll only give you one guess as to which one is which, though.

Finally, it's time to get onto the actual plot.

Just kidding. And now, a quick word from our sponsors.

Mikuru Asahina stands, in her police uniform, outside what appears to be an actual police station. Normally, impersonating a police officer is a serious crime, but luckily we have friends on the inside, so to speak.

"I-I'm not a real police officer! I just play one in this movie! H-However real police officers are working hard and risking their lives every day to keep this city safe! So please obey the law and do not commit any crimes! And support your local police station! And remember to report any crimes if you should see them, and call 110 if you have an emergency! Thank you!"

Even if it was delivered in a monotone as if she was reading from cue cards, there was an adorable hint of passion in Mikuru's delivery, as if she truly believed in the words she was saying.

I'm not sure if that really counts as a commercial; can you really advertise an organization like the police? Maybe it falls under a public service announcement. Either way, back to the story!

The next scene opens with a panning shot of the inside of an actual police department. There's a bunch of actual cops doing actual work in the background. However, we soon reach a door with the label "Chief Itsuki Koizumi". Going inside, the location betrays us, as the chief's office looks a lot more like the interior of the school than that of a police station.

Koizumi is in the process of chewing out an angry looking Haruhi and terrified Mikuru.

"Damnit Suzumiya-s, this time you've gone too far! The mayor is really starting to ride my ass on this case, and your antics aren't helping!"

If I had to compare the two, I'd say that Koizumi makes a better police chief than he does secret Esper boy. It might have something to with him actually having a script to work with this time. All thanks for that belongs to yours truly: after an exceedingly long argument with the director, I was able to obtain slight creative control.

"What's your problem anyways? I got the job done, so why does it matter? Come on, this guy knows something; I can just feel it!"

"Now Suzumiya, I know that you get results, but you cause way too much collateral damage! There are rules and procedures that need to be followed! I paired you up with Mikuru Asahina in hopes that having someone to look after might calm you down a bit!"

I feel should mention that right now, Police Chief Itsuki Koizumi is wearing a fake, bushy cop mustache and it looks absolutely ridiculous.

"Ah-ah, I think Suzumi-, I mean, Haruhi means well s-sir, there's really no need for you to fight…"

Ah, she's so adorable in her trust and support of her partner! Honestly these two completely lack the buddy cop dynamic – Haruhi will just drag her around wherever she goes and there will be nobody will stop her.

"Ugh! Why do you always have to get in my way! I'm this close! I have to find out what happened to my old partner, no matter what! I have to know what happened to Kyon!"


That sound you just heard there was the sound of the cameraman doing a spit take and nearly destroying our only camera. Yeah, nobody told me up until now that I'd actually have to play a part in this.

You can see for a split second that Koizumi looks mildly surprised by this reveal, which he should've already known about in character, but then there's a jarring cut and he's had time to compose himself off camera.

"Fine! This is your last chance; you've got 48 hours to finish this, or else it's your gun and your badge!"

The chief slams his fist onto his desk for dramatic effect, and Haruhi angrily storms out the door, leaving Mikuru behind. She stares dumbfounded for a second, lets out a cute little yelp, and rushes after her partner.

The camera lingers with the chief as he looks suddenly melancholy.

"Oh Shelly. I promise I'll get revenge for you someday."

Koizumi's focus, as well as the cameras is now centered on what appears to be a stock photo of a woman and child. Zooming in here, you can even see the watermark!

In case you're wondering, that plot thread never gets brought up again.

After a quick transition scene, which is really just playing the same panning shot of the police station, but in reverse, we find ourselves in the interrogation room.

You've seen this one a million times, right? Dark room with a single light bulb. The criminal mastermind otherwise known as Henchman #1 is revealed to be none other than Taniguchi! He's handcuffed to a chair in the middle of the room, and it looks like his leg has healed up perfectly in the few hours it would've taken to get him back to the police station. Maybe he really does have super-regeneration. In any case, it's time for the classic Good Cop / Bad Cop.

"A-ah, I'm really sorry about all of this. How are you feeling? Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Yeah, that would be wonderful! I mean, it's no problem at all, but if you insist. Aahaahahah!"

What a pervball. With the effect Mikuru has on him, the bad cop part isn't even necessary. He'd spill the beans on anything just to see her smile. Of course, with Haruhi in charge, this tired cliché was going to play out whether he wanted it to or not. She rushes towards the captive full speed, yanking his tie and tipping his chair slightly.

"Alright! I'm only going to say this once, so listen closely! Tell me what I want to know! Tell me where I can find Kyon!"

"Ow! Watch it, damnit that hurts! Er, I mean – Hah, yeah right! You'll never get me to talk. "

Every time Haruhi brings up the now named object for her search, I feel uneasy for some reason. Taniguchi is exactly as terrible of an actor you'd think, by the way. It might've even been better to use Kunikida for this part, but Taniguchi already tends to embody the tropes you'd see in your average two bit thug.

"A-ah, Suzumiya-san, you don't have to be so rough, I'm sure if we just wait a second…"

Mikuru desperately tries to calm down the furious Haruhi, but it's to no avail.

"Come on! I said tell me! Tell me where to find him!"

"Agh! What the hell Suzumiya! You actually hit me! What is wrong with you, you crazy b—"

Let's just go ahead and say this: Haruhi got a little bit too into her character, and we decided to take a break from filming so everyone could calm down. Amazingly, Taniguchi stuck around to finish the shot, although it took quite a bit of coercing on my part, and a smile or two from our lovely lady in blue.

So, after that abrupt cut, we now see Taniguchi slumped over a desk, looking dejected with an ice pack over his black eye. From here on out, it was going to be all "Good cop".

"A-ah, I'm really sorry about my partner. But, it would be really great if you could tell us something. This means a lot to her, and you'd be doing me a big favor as well. Pretty please?"

Damn, that glazed look and tendril of drool on his face pisses me off. It almost makes me want to rush on screen and complete the set! Faced with an attack like that, Taniguchi of course tells us everything.

"Ahahaha! Er, I mean. I don't know much about this "Kyon" guy, I've only heard whispers, y'know? However, I can tell you who does know. You're looking for a woman named Tsuruya-san; she'll be able to tell you what you want to know."

And with that, this poorly planned interrogation-saga was over, leaving our final shot with a close up of Mikuru, as she gives an absolutely adorable wink + smile. I'd be a lot happier if things like that were reserved solely for me!

After another transition shot using the stock footage of the police station, it's time for what I like to think of as "The fanservice part".

We find our heroines in the girls' locker room, talking to a third girl who we haven't met yet. All three girls appear to be wearing nothing but towels wrapped around their bodies. I say appear, so before anyone watching this decides to go dying of blood loss, understand that they were actually wearing swimsuits underneath the towels, so it's really just an illusion of nudity.

The third girl is none other than Yuki Nagato. It's never quite explained, but I assume she's supposed to be another cop on the force, and one who happens to be friends with both of our heroines.

"Man, this sucks! We've got the name of who to look for, but I don't even know where to start looking! Who the hell is this "Tsuruya?"

By the way, I feel like I should mention that not even the "We're making a movie" excuse would get me into the girl's locker room to film this. In fact, even the girls going in with a camera required a bunch of negotiation with the teachers. So this is being filmed on a tripod, at a time when nobody else is using the rooms, and with a teacher supervising on top of all of that.

"I know who Tsuruya is."

"Wha? You know who Tsuruya is, Y-yuki-san? P-please tell us!"

"The girl known as Tsuruya is the daughter of a prominent Yakuza ringleader. Her own prowess in the criminal underworld is not to be underestimated however, and controls many smaller gangs all on her own."

I'd like to stress again that the Tsuruya we're talking about is in no way related to any Tsuruya you may know in real life, and that suing for slander or breaking my legs for something like this would be an overreaction to what is clearly a complete misunderstanding.

Although if someone were to suggest to me that the Tsuruya family did in fact have connections to the Yakuza, I might be inclined to believe them.

"Approximately 16% of the police force would fall under the definition of "corrupt". If you desire a meeting with Tsuruya, I will contact a corrupt officer and use the communication channels he has in order to prepare a trap for Tsuruya."

"Wow! Yuki, that's amazing! You go girl!"

With new found determination and a goal in mind, Haruhi stands up and points dramatically towards the ceiling. The movement causes her towel to start slipping off, but unfortunately for all of you the camera cuts just there. You know, I'm pretty sure those statistics on corruption weren't in the script. I sure hope Nagato isn't pulling them from real life.

With that, Haruhi's goal and purpose is clear, and we're almost at the finale! There's only one thing that needs to be done first. Can you guess what that is?

If you guessed "A preparation montage", than congratulations.

We get to see Haruhi doing push-ups! Doing Sit-ups! Running on a treadmill. Mikuru going all out on a punching bag! (That is to say, not at all.) Yuki, talking on the phone. There's a shot of a clock slowly ticking, to emphasize time passing. The bit where the pages are pulled off of a day-calendar, in case the clock wasn't enough. Hell, even a newspaper that flies, spinning at the screen. The newspaper doesn't even say anything! What is that even supposed to mean? Why would a personal quest for closure even make the news!

After a final "Lock and Load" segment in which we get to watch both Haruhi and Mikuru individually pick up every model gun we own, sometimes twice, the end is here. Haruhi and Mikuru are now both standing outside of the same warehouse from the beginning.

"Ah, H-Haruhi, maybe we should reconsider. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this…"

"No, Mikuru. We have to go forward, I can feel it. This is where I'm going to find out the truth."

This one scene right here, in sharp contrast to everything that's happened so far, is unbelievably good. The camera catches the sun setting behind her perfectly, right as a gust of wind with just the right amount of strength comes by, and so her hair flows in the breeze without getting all messy and in her face. Truly a perfect coincidence – The kind that Hollywood spends a lot of money to fake.

With a face full of grim determination, Haruhi opens the doors and crosses the final threshold, and prepares to confront her past.

The warehouse is dark. Haruhi strides forward with confidence, while Mikuru creeps in behind her, looking worried. Once they've come a decent distance inside, the doors slam shut behind them, (Who the hell installs automatic doors on a warehouse?) and the lights begin turning on one by one.


A laugh rings out through the warehouse, sharp and female, reminding me of a hyena. Tsuruya herself steps out from behind some boxes, still laughing, but eventually manages to calm down enough to point dramatically at Haruhi and deliver her villainous monologue.

"I'm glad you made it, Haru-nyan! Ahahaaha, you're pretty famous in the criminal underground. Everyone knows about the legendary "Haruhi Suzumiya". So whats can I do for yous?

Well. At least she remembered her lines.

"Cut the crap! Just tell me where I can find Kyon!"

"Ahahaha! I could do that pretty easily, but why would I, huh~?

Angrily, Haruhi raises her pistol and points it directly at Tsuruya.

"Because if you don't talk, then I'll find a way to make you talk!"

"Ahahaha that is so cool Haru-nyan! I mean: you don't get it! Why would I tell you where he is, when he can just do it himself?"

Enter narrator, stage left.

"Haruhi. It's been a long time."

"Kyon… it's really you… after all these years."

"Kyon" reveals himself from where he was hiding; wearing a trench coat (Which I might add, is absolutely unbearable in this weather), and carrying a pistol of his own. Haruhi's form wobbles with the shock of the situation, and her gun nearly slips out of her grasp. Luckily, Mikuru rushes over to her to lend her a supportive shoulder.

"Kyon… I just can't believe it. You're still alive. But wait, what are you even doing here?"

I just stare at her for a moment, before a sinister grin crosses my face.

"Come on, why do you think I'm here? "

"What are you saying? Did she kidnap you, is that it? What do you want for ransom, tell me!"

"Don't be an idiot. Come on, the partner I had 4 years ago was smarter than this. Besides, if I was kidnapped, would I be allowed to carry a gun?"

"Then… you're saying… that can't be true. Not you, Kyon!"

"Good girl, you finally figured it out. Yeah, that's right. I'm a criminal now."

I casually closed the remaining distance between myself and Tsuruya, and slung my arm around her shoulders.

"No! That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Afraid so. You were never good at seeing what's around you Haruhi, but can't you see it now? The corruption? It was originally a deep undercover operation. I had to give up my entire life behind, and couldn't tell anybody – Not even you. "

"So you're undercover than! That means…"

"No. During my time in the criminal underground, I learned a lot. That not all criminals are bad people, and that many in the Yakuza are actually dedicated to helping the common folk. I learned a lot about police corruption, just how much of it there is and how deeply it runs. I've seen some of the disgusting things police will do when they believe they have authority over someone."

"And I learned that the whole undercover operation was a scam! Chief Koizumi arranged the whole thing so my identity would be erased, and he could have me killed in secret!"

"But… Kyon! If it's that bad, we could stop it! Work together, as a team! Please!"

I threw my head back and barked a short laugh, bitter, and full of regret.

"If only it could be that easy. I'm not a good person anymore. During this time, I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I'm even engaged to a Yakuza princess now. You could even say I'll be living the life, and my future looks great."

"So what? That's it then? You're a bad guy now?"

"Yeah. I'm afraid so."

A long, tense silence followed, while the camera switched back and forth as the two of us stared each other down. Had we not closed the doors, I'm positive another dramatic wind would've picked up just now.


"So be it."

With tears running down her face, Haruhi slowly raised her gun to point it directly at me. I let go of Tsuruya, who takes a few steps away.

"You know, you could always join me. I could use a good partner in the Yakuza as well."

"Hah. You're kidding, right? Do you really think I'd do something like that? "

"Not at all. But I had to try, right? Looks like this was the way it was always going to end."

"Yeah. Looks like."

I raised my own gun to point at Haruhi, and we stare for just a moment longer.


Twin shots fire out, but neither hits its mark. It looks like the final battle is on! Both Haruhi and I take off running, shooting as we go and ducking behind crates. Tsuruya and Mikuru are left behind.

"Ahahaha! Looks like you and me are supposed to fight each other Mikuru-chan, this is going to be fun!"

As a faster, metal reprise of the opening theme begins to play, Tsuruya pulls out her own gun and opens fire on poor Mikuru, as she runs straight for cover.

I have to say, I'm rather happy with how this fight scene turned out. With fast paced movements and cuts that flow well with the music, it switches from the fight between me and Haruhi to Tsuruya and Mikuru. Despite everyone but Mikuru being explained as an expert marksman, not a single one of us manages to hit their target. I suppose we can chalk that up to plot armor, though.

As the battle music winds up to its crescendo, one side of the battle is ended. Mikuru manages to get a lucky shot on Tsuruya, who goes down. Still being the pure hearted maiden she is, it's yet another "harmless" leg shot.

"Ack! I've been hit, oh no! Ahahaahah! Kyon, go on without me! You betters not lose!"

It was just the two of us left now, as we both crouched behind crates, taking the chance to reload.

"Hah. It's two to one now, give up yet? "

"Not a chance. And don't tell me you're going to actually let her join this fight?"

"Not a chance! Mikuru, do you hear that? Don't you dare interfere; this is something I have to do on my own!"

And with that, the fight was back on. But this time, it had a considerably different tone. For one, the music changed to something darker, like final boss music. For two, where the fight before was cut with timing and precision and multiple takes, this was all one long, continuous shot. Why?

Because at some point, we weren't just shooting a movie. I was the fallen hero, left bitter and broken by his disillusionment with the world, and Haruhi was driven mad by the betrayal of someone she once trusted. To an outside viewer, it probably looks like two teenagers trying to seriously kill each other with B.B. guns.

The special effects don't indicate it at all, but every shot fired was now a direct hit – and I've still got some of the welts to prove it.

Filled with bloodlust, Haruhi let out a scream of fury and charged straight at me. To my considerable surprise, along with everyone else watching I was ready for her. She threw a wild punch, I blocked it. She crouched low for a sweeping kick; I leapt over it and countered with a quick strike of my own.

Now, I've never studied martial arts, and I'm sure if Haruhi has, it was only very basic stuff before she got bored and went to try something else. But we were now putting on an impressive martial arts display, one that could rival even a professional film with proper choreography and stunt doubles. Even more surprising, both of us were skilled enough that not a single strike landed without being deflected in some way.

And there it is; the final blow. Twin high kicks that send both guns flying to the air. Both of us lunged, catching the guns and spinning, each combatant with a gun now solidly planted in their chest.

"Kyon… so this is it, huh?"

"I thought we covered this already. It's time to end this."

"Isn't there another—"

"Don't tell me you're backing out now! Haruhi Suzumiya has more resolve than that!"

"But, I…"

"Do it!"




Twin gunshots rang out, followed by a deafening silence. For a moment that seemed to last an eternity, the two simply stood there. Then, I slowly stumbled backwards, blood oozing from my chest as I fell to the ground.

Haruhi was untouched. But how was that possible? My gun definitely went off too, and there's no way I could've missed at such close range! But Haruhi turned around, and saw that I hit what I was aiming at the entire time. Tsuruya lie dead, a gun in her hand, which had been aimed at Haruhi's back. After all, Mikuru had only wounded her.

"Kyon, no!"

Haruhi rushed to my side, tried to apply pressure to the wound, but it was no use. The bullet had pierced my lung, and even if an ambulance were to arrive right now, there was no way I'd make it.

"Come on, Haruhi. *Cough*. Don't look at me like that. You're much prettier when you smile."

"Why? Why? Damnit Kyon, why?"

"I told you, didn't I? *Cough* I was pretty deep undercover. Too deep. I couldn't get out. And what I said about Koizumi was true. I couldn't go back."

"But then why did you have to… I could've helped you, Kyon!"

"I've done some bad things, too. This was the only way I could redeem myself. It had to be you. I wanted it to be you."

"Kyon… don't go. Please…"

"Haruhi. Do me one last favor. Just once, could you call me by my real name?"

"Sure thing…"


Before she even finished the first syllable, it's clear that the light has gone out of my eyes, and it's too late.

Haruhi let out an anguished cry of despair, and began to sob uncontrollably over my body. Mikuru approached, and timidly reached out to offer some sort of comfort, but if Haruhi even noticed the gesture, she didn't react.

The camera was left rolling as she sobbed for was seemed like an inordinately cruel length of time, but it had something to do with our then cameraman, AKA Itsuki Koizumi, being utterly baffled by everything that had just happened.

Damn, I deserve an Oscar for this.

That wasn't the final scene though. There was still one thing left to do.

Haruhi now stands alone, under an umbrella as rain poured all around her. Before her is my grave, already looking weathered and worn for some reason.

"I swear… Kyon. I'll do it. I'll find a way to make the world a place where you could've lived. Our world. Will you wait for me? I promise you'll be proud when I'm done…"

The camera pans over the cemetery. Mikuru can be seen in the background, waiting for Haruhi to finish her soliloquy. The camera finally focuses in on the gravestone, as the credits begin to roll.

"Here lies ********* "Kyon" ********. Forgotten by many. Loved by one. "

The credits show a montage of pictures, accompanied by a hauntingly sad melody. The pictures are all of me and Haruhi, presumably from back when we were partners.

And thus ends the tale of the SOS Brigade's second attempt to make a movie. I'd like to think we did better this time, but my perspective might be a little biased.

I will say that method acting is very emotionally draining. Haruhi and I both had to take a day off to recover after filming that finale. I'm rather hoping my death doesn't end up that melodramatic in real life.

But even as the chapter closes on this story, it never truly ends. Haruhi already has her sights set on next year's movie, making it even bigger and better than this one.

Who knows. Maybe this one will actually be good.