A/N 1 - This was written as a prompt fill for the OhSam Comment Fic Meme by Monica Woe (See the prompt below)
A/N 2 - Okay... so I've taken some liberties regarding timescales and such like with this one...
A/N 3 - This is highly unbeta'd - I was anxious about the time I've taken with it already so any and all mistakes are my own.
Prompt: Unfortunately for him, even soulless!Sam isn't immune to the physical side of demon-blood addiction, and he doesn't stop. By the time Death gives Sam his soul back, his veins are full to the brim with tainted blood. Sam starts to feel the withdrawal right around the same time his Hell-wall starts to crack.
soulless!Sam didn't bite his arm so he could use the blood as paint. He did it because he'd figured out that demon blood (even his own to a small degree), gave him power over demons. Just the taste was enough to bring his power to the surface. When Crowley's henchdemons come in to get him, he knocks one down, bites the other one in the neck, and drains them both.
Unfortunately for him, even soulless!Sam isn't immune to the physical side of demon-blood addiction, and he doesn't stop. By the time Death gives Sam his soul back, his veins are full to the brim with tainted blood. Sam starts to feel the withdrawal right around the same time his Hell-wall starts to crack.
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Two Weeks Ago
Sam sits in the cell trying to think of a way out, knowing that the demons will be coming back for him and that he'll never be able to take the two of them. He remembers impassively about drinking the demon blood, knows that the blood flowing through him still carries the remnants of the it, and that with just little drop of it he would have access to the powers that the old Sam was too afraid to even tap into. He's kind of glad that he doesn't have these doubts holding him back anymore, and really it's the only way he'll be able to take on the two demons and walk out alive right? He lifts his sleeve and sinks his teeth into his arm, feels the power flowing through him in an instant - it's faint and not nearly as strong as he remembers it but it's still there and it's still enough. After he's finished he moves to the back wall and waits for the demons to come back. He has a plan that he knows will work and get them all out alive. He may not feel emotion anymore but he knows that the right thing to do is to get them all out of this building in one piece.
When the demons open the cell door and walk in grinning, Sam quickly overpowers them, holding his hand up and stopping them in their stride. He's tapping into those reserves of power that the old Sam was too afraid to even touch as he freezes them to the spot. He moves over and sinks his teeth into ones throat as the other watches eyes wide in horror. Sam feels the real buzz of the power flow this time as he drinks it directly form the demonic host body. When he's finished he then moves onto the other demon, quickly drinking his blood too. After he's finished drinking the blood, he holds his hands out and expels the demons from their host bodies, watching as the bodies fall to the floor with a quiet thud.
Although he doesn't feel shame or worry like the old Sam did, he knows well enough to cover up the evidence. If anyone found out what he'd done they would make him detox again, and he doesn't really have time to go through that. He closes the cell door making sure that it locks as he leave and runs to help Dean.
Ten Days Ago
Sam can actually feel the power radiating and flowing through his veins now, he felt it a little bit five days ago when he drained those two demons, but since then he's been seeking out demons and draining them every night while Deans been sleeping. It's like a physical pull and ache until he finds one, and besides, it's not like he sleeps anymore anyway, so this is the perfect time to do with without being questioned about where he's going and what he's doing.
He actually feels the demon before he sees it. As it turns the corner it startles slightly when it sees him "Winchester... you're looking better than I expected..." it sneers.
Sam holds his hand up and the demon is frozen, cut off mid sentence. It's eyes widen in shock and he says "Yeah, I am much better now." Sam says as he circles it like a predator circles its prey.
The demon quickly realizes what's going to happen and it's eyes change to black then back to the brown-green color of its host as it uselessly tries to use it's power to break free.
"That won't do you any good" he says as he walks up to stare it in the face. Its eyes take on a pleading expression and Sam smiles as he replies to the silent plea "You know the best thing about me now? Those eyes that your throwing at me? They don't work... no effect at all." He pulls a knife out from his back pocket and makes a small cut on the side of the demons neck, "And the best thing is, although I am somewhat doing this for my own benefit, I'm also ridding the world of scum like you, one at a time..." then puts his mouth over it and starts draining it. After he's done the demon is still standing up, he only needs to wave his hand in a sweeping motion and the demon flies out of the hosts mouth and sinks into the ground. The body falls to the ground and Sam quickly picks it up, placing it behind the large dumpster. He turns and walks back in the direction of the motel.
When he arrives back at the motel it's still dark, the clock on the room wall says is 5:45am and he quickly strips down and changes into his night clothes before getting into bed.
One Week Ago
Sam stands looking over at Bobby who is tied to the chair as he re-thinks the events of the day. He remembers when Dean had told them about his deal with Death that morning, and how Sam could be re-souled. He'd pretended to be happy about it, but he knew that he couldn't go back to being the old Sam, not now. He hadn't been this strong, he definitely hadn't been ready to do whatever it takes to fight the fight and win it. Even if it means becoming some kind of vampire... he is now willing to do this because it's what he knows, and he's damn good at it. The old Sam couldn't do this like he can, he would let his feelings get in the way. They were always a weak point. That's why he summoned Balthazar to see if there was a way to stop this from happening. When Balthazar told him about what needed to be done, he knew immediately who to choose - Bobby. Although he doesn't feel any attachment to the older man, he knows that he once regarded him as a father figure and he can see that Bobby still feels the same way.
Bobby begs him again to re-think what he's doing, "Listen to me. You don't want to do this. Sam. I've been like a father to you, boy. Somewhere inside, you've got to know that."
He walks over to Bobby, holding the knife and says "Well, that's just it. Sorry." Sam raises the knife only for his wrist to be caught in someones grip. He turns round just in time to realize it's Dean as his brother says "Hi Sam. I'm back" before Deans fist comes flying to his face.
... ... ... ...
When he wakes up he's cuffed to the bed, 'panic room' he realizes. He struggles in vain but the cuffs won't budge. His attention is suddenly drawn to the looming figure as it appears from thin air in the corner of the room and walks over to the bed, realizing who it is and what's about to happen, 'Dean done it, he actually done it. This is actually happening' Sam shouts "Get away from me! Don't. Don't!" as he tries to free himself from the bed. It's then that he turns his head and sees Dean and Bobby standing in the doorway.
Death is calm as he stalks round the bed and sits down beside Sam, putting his bag on the bed too. He looks pointedly at Sam and says "Now, Sam, I'm gonna put up a barrier inside your mind."
All that Sam can concentrate on his whats running through his mind 'can't let this happen, this can't happen, this isn't happening'. He shouts again at Death "No, don't touch me".
The looming figure is still calm, as he carries on speaking as though Sam hadn't uttered a word "It might feel a little... itchy. Do me a favor, don't scratch the wall. Trust me... you're not gonna like what happens." Death turns to his bag and opens it, revealing a bright light which can only be the soul.
The new Sam doesn't do emotion, he doesn't do begging... but he'll try anything for this not to happen "Please. Don't do this." Death takes the soul out of the bag and holds it above him. Sam looks to Dean this time since his pleas are falling on deaf ears with Death... "No, no! You don't know... You don't know what'll happen to me... Dean, please! No. No. No." He shakes his head and still tries to move back as Death lowers the soul and reunites it with it's body. Sam can vaguely hear his own screams as his body feels like it's on fire and ice cold at the same time. There's a sharp-dull-cramping-cutting pain in his chest and he strains against the restraints and the bed. He hears a world full of voices, screaming and pain as the world fades to black.
Four Days Ago
Sam wakes up and moves to sit on the edge of the bed. He lifts his hand and wipes it down his face in a bid to wipe away the groggy feeling.
"You alright?" Dean seems to appear in front of him from nowhere.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired and my head hurts a little." He'd the slight headache since he woke up after collapsing last night when they were leaving that town that he never wants to return to. It's still here this morning, and if it hadn't appeared after he got a slight glimpse of his memories from hell he wouldn't be worried at all. He decides to see if it disappears before he shares his worries with Dean.
"You sure you're okay Sammy?" Dean asks as he picks up on Sams body language, which always told him way more than Sam would ever say.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking about what happened last night." Sam half explains as he looks at Dean again and then to the floor.
"Yeah I get that, I'm mean you collapsed from it. Jesus..." Dean trails off and then sits down beside Sam as he tells his brother "Seriously though Sam, you can't wonder what else is back there. You can keep thinking about it cause it'll only lead to someplace bad..."
"...I know that Dean. I'm trying... but you have no idea what it's like to not remember something and be told that you can't try to." He tries to keep the tears back as he speaks.
Dean looks like he's been slapped in the face as he says "Christ, I... you're right Sammy, I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" Sam asks, the puzzle written all over his face.
"I have no idea what it's like. I remembered everything when I was brought back and I adjusted to it. But I don't know what you must have gone through, and I can't know what it's like to not remember something and to be told not to try" Dean stands up and looks back to Sam as he says "But you need to promise me that you won't try. I'm being serious Sam, you can't keep thinking about it."
Sam senses the outright worry in Deans voice, it's usually masked by anger or an abrupt tone, but not this time. "Yeah, I'll try..." he says as he stands up and goes to get washed.
... ... ... ...
They've been driving for about four hours now, Dean had claimed when they got into the car that he wanted to put as much damn distance between them and this goddamn town as possible. Sam is starting to get uncomfortable and fidgety, it's been getting slowly warmer as the day goes on, and he's stripped right down to his t-shirt but he's sweating again. "Hey Dean, can we take a break soon?" He asks as he looks at his brother who still has his shirt on over his t-shirt.
"Yeah sure, could use some food anyway" Dean says as he pats his stomach in a manner that is so typically Dean that makes Sam laugh. "What?" Dean asks him.
"Nothing, doesn't matter" Sam says as they pull in to the service area. Sam reaches behind and quickly puts on his shirt. After Dean parks the car Sam almost throws open the door & practically jumps out. He savors the cool air against his skin, takes in deep breaths of the cool air. He thought it would have been warmer outside than this, it was so stuffy in the car...
"Jeez Sammy could you look anymore weird if you tried?" Dean comments as he gets out of the Impala and pulls on his leather jacket. Sam looks at him questioningly, like he has no clue that it's cold out and that most people are walking around with their coats and jackets buttoned up. "Never mind, come on and lets get some food. My stomach thinks my throats been cut."
Sam doesn't think he'll be able to eat anything, he feels sick even thinking about food but he goes into the diner anyway thinking that he'll order something light.
Three Days Ago
They had to stop at this motel after driving for another two hours after the diner yesterday, Sam had gradually become more restless, he kept saying that it was too stuffy and he was sweating. Dean had turned the heater down to cold and at one point had even put the air conditioning on, but it still wasn't enough and after an hour Sam was ripping off his t-shirt and begging Dean to pull over so that he could get some air.
Dean sits looking at Sam who is having yet another restless sleep. He's worried out of his mind 'Jesus fucking Christ what next Sammy?' He sends a prayer up to Castiel, scratch that, he's been sending prayer up since Sam feel into his first restless sleep last night, and he's been sending them ever since. 'I don't care if I break my goddamn fist Cas, you're so getting a punch in the face when you get here.' Worried isn't the word that he'd use to describe what he's feeling right now. He's terrified that the wall is coming down faster than any of expected 'I warned him not to try and remember what happened...'
Dean is broken from his thoughts as Sam whimpers in his sleep and cries out an almost broken "N-no." Dean stands up and moves over the the bed, just as he's about the shake Sam to wake him up Sam starts crying in his sleep. "D'd... please I-I... nnnggghhhh! Pl'se c'nt take more... it's not me..."
Dean had heard enough of this dream and puts his hand on Sams shoulder, lightly shaking it he quietly says "Sam... Sammy, hey you wanna wake up?" Sam bolts upright in the bed, eyes wide and searching the room until they land on Dean. He grabs Dean into a crushing hug that tells Dean that he's scared. "Ssshhh, it's okay. It's alright, it was just a bad dream."
Sam breaks the hug and leans back against the headboard "Sorry" he offers.
"Hey, no apologizing Sam... you can't help it if you have a bad dream"
'Here goes', he prepares himself for telling Dean what he's worried about. "Dean, I think this was more than a nightmare."
'Shit' Dean coughs before asking "What do you think it was then?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe... uh... Maybe the wall is cracking?" He half asks and half answers Deans question.
Dean stands up and paces the room twice as Sam sits and watches, he feels better after the sleep but he still feels pretty drained. "No, no way. Not this early. Goddammit!" he punches the wall.
Sam stands up and shouts back at Dean "What? You think I'm happy about it Dean? I'm scared out of my goddamn mind here."
That seems to snap Dean back to reality "I'm sorry. I... I didn't realize."
They both fall into silence and Sam offers "Maybe we should call Cas?"
'I've already tried, bastard isn't answering' He can't let Sam know how scared he is, he has to be the strong one for both of them right now. "Yeah, I'll give it try. Why don't you maybe grab a shower, see if it freshens you up a bit?"
"You trying to say I stink?" Sam counters jokingly as he moves on shaking legs that he fails to hide to get a towel and clean clothes.
"Yeah.. well, now that you mention it..." Dean trails off and laughs as Sam throws the TV remote at him and goes into the bathroom.
Once he hears the shower running he tries to reach Castiel again 'Goddammit Castiel, get your trench coated ass down here right now or so help me...'
"I do have other duties besides running every time you pray for me, and punching me would only result in a hospital visit" a voice from behind startles Dean from his prayer.
Dean visibly tries to control the urge to punch the angel "So you heard?" Castiel nods and Dean continues "Other duties... other damn duties? Well that's just great Cas... thanks a lot."
"I am sorry, but you know that it's true. What did you call me for?" Castiel stands stoically as he waits for Dean to explain.
"It's Sam... he's uh... We took a case in a town that he's been to with Samuel..."
"... I don't need to tell you what that could have done to the wall Dean..." Castiel interrupts but is abruptly cut off.
"I know that now Cas. Goddammit." Pausing to gather his thoughts and worries, Dean quickly explains "He uh... some of the people there told him some things that he'd done and he couldn't believe it. I told him not to press for memories, that it wasn't him... but you know Sam." Castiel nods and Dean carries on "Anyway, right when we were packing up to leave he had a... uh... I don't know what you would call it. But he remembered something from hell and he collapsed.
"Did he regain consciousness?"
"Yeah, but he's been off ever since. He's been really sweaty and his appetites gone. He's also been really sleepy. Can you check him over and make sure it's not too broken?" Dean asks.
"Of course I will." Castiel answers and Dean loses some the tension in his body and sits down. The angel remains standing as the bathroom door opens.
Sam walks out of the bathroom "Oh hey Cas"
"Hi Sam. Dean explained what happened. I'd like to take a look at the wall if that's okay with you?" Castiel asks as he stands up.
"Yeah I kinda thought you might" Sam answers as sits down. Castiel moves over to stand on front of him. "This shouldn't hurt" the angel informs as he leans forward and holds his hands to the side of Sams head, both close their eyes in unison. After about a minute 'Too damn long' if you ask Dean, they open their eyes and Castiel stands back up. He looks confused as he studies Sam who shrinks under the gaze. Turning to Dean, Castiel says "The wall remains relatively intact. I think that although there may be one or two incidents of memories it shouldn't be too significant." Turning back to Sam he says "You shouldn't try to remember any more things. Given your circumstances it wouldn't be wise."
Dean is relieved that the wall isn't caving. A little gap he can almost deal with. "Well that's good news. No more pressing for memories you hear me?"
Sam looks distracted, he's sitting fidgeting with his hands and is staring at something in the corner of the room, he slowly turns to look at Dean as he says "What? Oh, yeah sure thing."
As though on cue, Deans stomach starts to rumble, well it is almost noon and he's not eaten since about four in the afternoon yesterday. "Okay, I'm gonna go grab some lunch, anything you'd like in particular Sammy?" he asks as he stands and puts on his jacket.
"Nah, just a sandwich or something" Sam distractedly answers as he turns back and looks to the corner.
Looking at Castiel who is watching Sam with interest he asks "You gonna stick around for a while?"
"I think I might" the angel answers without looking in his direction, Dean shakes his head and closes the door behind him.
Sam stands up and walks toward the kitchen to get a glass of water. He's starting to feel hot and clammy again and he's feeling quite shaky now. Feeling Castiels gaze on him, he turns and asks "You alright Cas?" Sam blinks and the angel is standing right front of him.
"You should tell him" Castiel says while looking at him with a mixture of wonder and disappointment on his features.
It's Sams turn to feel confused now as he huffs and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He asks "Tell who what?"
Castiel shakes his head "Dean. You should tell Dean." the disappointment is slowly being replaced by anger. "It's unmistakeable. I know"
"Know what? Tell Dean what?" Sam is starting to panic, 'Does Cas know something I don't? Was he lying about the wall?' "What do I need to tell him Cas?"
"I think you know." Castiel takes a step back and looks at Sam as his forehead creases, he says cryptically once more as he shakes his head "You need to tell him" and disappears.
Two Days Ago
It feels like there's something trying to grow and claw its way out of his stomach all the same time. The ceiling swirls when he lies on his back, and when he sits up sometimes the room shifts in and out of focus and swears he can see someone standing in the far corner. Sometimes it's Dad, sometimes it's Mom and sometimes it's even Lucifer... He puts his head into his hand, pressing the palms into his eyes in a bid make them focus. He moans quietly as he folds in on himself. 'It feels like withdrawal... but it can't be. I've not... unless...' A voice from the other bed pulls him from his thoughts.
"Hey Sammy, how you feeling?" Dean asks as he sits up in the bed.
"Uh..." Sam pulls his hands away from his eyes and turns to face Dean, squinting as the light streaming through the window assaults his eyes. He quickly turns away and Dean gets up and pulls the curtains.
"That better?" Dean asks as he sits down on his bed. Sam only nods, wiping the sweat from his head. "What's wrong?" Dean moves over to sit on the edge of his bed so that he's facing Sam. 'He looks like shit. It looks like he's...' he cuts that thought off before it finishes.
"Dean I... I d-dont... I don't know what's happening to me. It... It feels like I'm withdrawing but..."
"But that's just stupid" Dean finishes for Sam, adding as he leans forward "You haven't taken any since Famine...I mean... right?" Dean struggles to comprehend what's going on. He knows these symptoms, knows that the resemble withdrawal but he knows that it's not the problem this time. "Maybe it's uh... something to do with the wall? Maybe it'll just take a few days for you to recover?" he offers.
"I... I don't know. I hate this, it reminds me of being locked in the panic room."
Dean stands and walks to the bathroom as he says "T'yeah, well at least you don't have to go back there since that's not the problem here."
Sam risks a smile "Yeah, I guess we do have that.". The bathroom door closes and he flops back down in the bed, as soon as his head hits the pillow he can feel the sleep pulling him under.
Dean comes out of the bathroom after showering and dressing and smiles as he sees Sam still in bed and asleep.
... ... ... ...
The door opens and the two men walk in, he stands up and holding out his hand he stops them in their advance. As they are stopped their eyes flash black and he feels the power flow out of his hands. It's like a physical pull as he walks over to them, he can practically hear its pulse. He knows it's wrong and he feels sick but he still moves his mouth toward the demons neck. He opens his mouth to bite the skin...
... ... ... ...
Dean almost spills his coffee in shock as Sam gasps and shoots up into a sitting position, he's starting to hyperventilate as his wide open eyes dart around the room. He calls "Sam" as he tries to get his brothers attention, it doesn't work and Sams panicked breaths are becoming shorter and shaper as he shakes his head.
He's looking all around him, trying to make sense of his dream. It felt so real 'It can't be, I never drank it like that... It's not real... unless... I don't remember it...'. He feels his breath quicken as he tries to control the rising panic and fight the need to be sick. "Nononononono..." He whispers. He hears a voice calling to him.
Dean moves over to his brother, keeping his movement slow and steady. Softer this time he says "Hey Sammy it's me. You're in the motel..."
Sam looks in the direction that the voice came from and sees his brother moving slowly toward him, the usually masked concern is clearly plastered all over his face "I... I'm okay" he says, aiming for confident but sounding more shaken than anything else, trying to slow his breathing down as the nausea passes.
Dean sits on the edge of the bed next to Sam "Yeah, try that again Sam. You have another nightmare?" He moves his hand up to Sams forehead to check his temperature. "Jeez you're running a fever there."
"I... ah... yeah that must be it. I had a horrible dream" Sam groans out as he leans his head into his hands.
"Yeah? What was it?"
Sam looks back up at Dean and says "I had a dream that I was in some weird room, it was like a cell or something." He shakes his head in disbelief before continuing "Two guys came in to get me and uh... they were demons. I ended up draining them both..." He trails off before saying "I mean, it felt so real... but I never drank any demon blood like that."
"Sam it was probably just a nightmare, your memory playing tricks on you and the fever won't be helping you either. Just try to calm yourself down a bit." Sam nods and Dean asks "Hey, you wanna try some food? I'm gonna order something in"
"Uh... I don't know that I could handle a whole meal. Maybe something like soup could be good..." It feels like his stomach protest at the thought of eating, even something as light as soup, but he knows he has to try. He even feels too crappy to cope with Deans mother hen routine, and that's saying something.
"Alright I'm just gonna step outside and call the them, the signal in here is terrible" Dean says as he moves towards the door and steps outside, closing it behind him.
'Guess I should try and get out of bed a freshen up a little' Sam thinks as he pushes the covers aside and stands up. Once he's standing, he feels a sharp pain in his head and he closes his eyes against the pain and the assault of images playing out in his mind 'No, no no no no no no...' he tries to protest as they keep coming.
... ... ... ...
'He's standing surrounded by a circle of flames, he can feel them burning him as they grow ever closer, just as they are about to touch him they die down and he's suddenly surrounded by ice. The scene fades away completely and he's standing on a dark street in what looks to be a run down part of a town. A girl walks up to him grinning as she asks "Oh, you didn't get enough last night?" He shakes his head and takes her hand as they walk down the street and into a building. The scene fades and he's standing over the girls body, he's wiping a bloody knife on his shirt and she's lying on the floor with angry red wounds dotted over her naked body. He lifts his hand and wipes his mouth, pulls it away and there's blood covering his hand, he can feel it smeared across his mouth. The girls eye are black and she's pleading a drawn out "Please... please don't" as he lifts his hand' and focuses it on the girl. The demon is pulled from her as it weakly tumbles out of her mouth and into the floor. The scene changes again and he's drinking a demons blood in an alley, it's a male host this time. He savors the taste and the power as it flows through him, takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He opens his eyes...
... ... ... ...
Dean comes back into the room to see his brother standing beside the bed, holding his head in his hands. He sees his brother jerk as he gaps and goes limp, collapsing to the floor. "Sam!" he yells as he runs over to his brother.
Sam is snapped out of the memories with a sharp intake of breath, he opens his eyes and sees the ground rushing up to meet him as the world fades to black.
Dean has been sitting watching Sam for most of the night, it's now 7am. Sam woke up once and fell right back asleep again after asking what had happened. He wasn't even awake long enough to hear Deans answer 'This is the second time in less than a week that he's collapsed from the damn memories.' Dean thinks, while cursing both Castiel and Death under his breath. Both had said that the wall would hold, Cas said it was intact after the last time... he wonders if maybe the whole world is screwing with them in some sick way or another... He's pulled from his thoughts as he hears a weak "D'n" as Sam weakly squirms in the bed.
"Hey, you awake? You gave me a scare last night Sammy." He asks as he moves over to sit on his own bed facing Sam.
Sams mouth is moving but all that comes out is a scratchy"...happened?".
Dean catches the question anyway and answers "I think you had another flashback when I went out to order the food. I came back in and you were standing by the bed and you collapsed."
'Oh no' It all comes crashing back to Sam and he bolts upright into a sitting position, holds his hand to his head as a wave of dizziness assaults him from the sudden change in position. He struggles to get out of bed and gets himself tangled in the sheets as he stammers "Dean... I-I... they... it was... before I got it back."
Dean springs up and puts his hands on his brothers shoulders to ground him "Hey hey hey , calm down Sammy, it's okay." Sam continues to try and struggle and Dean is forced to harshly say "Enough Sam. Stop it. Calm down and tell me what's wrong."
He's trying to control the need to be sick, but he can feel it coming, and it's only being made worse but the fact that all he can see every time he blinks is a flow of blood and the demons that he drank from. He takes a breath and manages to say "Gonna be sick, let me up."
'Fuck' Dean is gonna kill Cas, he's convinced that this is something to do with the wall and Sam remembering hell. He jumps back and pulls the covers away from Sams feet, and follows his brother to the bathroom as he runs across the room. Sam falls to his knees and empties the meagre contents of his stomach. He sits back against the bathtub and is panting heavily, Dean notes that Sam is also shaking and he thinks for the second time 'Fuck'. "You okay Sammy?" Sam only shakes his head and looks to the floor. 'Stupid question Dean' "You wanna go back to bed?" Dean is sure that he's hovering or 'mother henning as Sam calls it, but he's getting worried now, he hasn't seen Sam like this since he had to go through withdrawal the last time and it's freaking him the hell out.
Sam looks up to his brother and starts to say "Dean I...", but he's not sure what he was going to say, he's not sure how he can tell Dean that he's been drinking demon blood again. He looks back to the floor and thinks that 'Hey Dean, while my soul was trapped in hell my body went around and drank demon blood' won't quite cut it somehow. He can feel the cramps in his stomach starting again and he knows he's shaking and sweating too, even though it's too damn cold in this bathroom. The way that Cas treated him the other day suddenly makes a lot more sense now, no wonder the angel couldn't bear the be in the same room as him.
"You want something to drink? Might settle your stomach." Dean is at a loss for what else to say, sure, they've been through a lot, but he still doesn't deal well with these kinds of situations.
It feels like his stomach is caught in a vice and someone is trying to turn it at the same time, he needs to tell Dean about this... it's only gonna get worse, but first he needs to get up off of this damn floor. "Uh, yeah... help me up?" He hates asking for help but he doesn't think that he'd be able to support his own weight right now, plus he doesn't really want to walk past the clown standing by the door without Dean there to distract him.
"Yeah sure Sammy" Dean says while thinking 'this is really bad' as he leans forward and pulls his brother up from the cold tile floor. "No wonder you're shaking, tiles are freezing." He feels Sam freeze at that comment but he doesn't respond so he supports Sam as they make their way to the table in the room. Once he's sure that Sam won't fall out of the seat he asks "Water?"
"Yeah thanks" Sam murmurs an answer. When Dean has given him the water and sat down across from him, Sam looks up from where he's been studying the pattern on the table and wonders where to even start. "Dean I..." he stops and takes a breath and tries again "I think I know what's wrong with me..." he trails off again.
"So you wanna share with the rest of class or keep us guessing?" Dean asks.
"I um... demon blood." Deans face literally drops when he's mentioned it and Sam is suddenly wishing that the words would just come back and that he could find a way to ride this out on his own.
"What?" Dean angrily asks, followed by "No, no way. How can you even think that? I've been with you practically the whole time... You wouldn't do that... would you?"
"No... I, I think it was before Death gave me my soul back." Dean looks at him questioningly and Sam asks "You remember a few weeks ago when we went to kill Crowley?" Dean nods and Sam continues "And the demons took you to the ghouls and locked me in a cell? Then I escaped and came to you fight them off?"
Dean nods again and asks "Where is all this going?"
"I'm getting to it." Sam answers before asking "Did you ever ask how I escaped?" Dean looks at him with an 'Are you for real' expression but Sam explains "I seriously don't remember."
Something clicks with Dean and his eyes go wide with realization as he says "You remember that night?"
"Yeah I do" Sam answers and leans forward as he digs his hands into his stomach trying in vain to stop the pain. He can feel his calves starting to cramp slightly and he knows that they need to speed things up. "I remember that night Dean... I dreamt about it a few nights ago. That's how I know what's going on here. How did I escape that cell?"
Dean takes a minute to think and says "You um... you said you exorcised the demons, you... you bit you arm so you could draw a devils trap. I thought it was genius..."
"...Fuck. I... it... he..." Sam isn't sure how to refer to the body that was walking around without a soul before he got back "...must have been triggered to drink the demons after drinking my blood..."
"Oh man... I... no. I would have noticed." Dean is still living in that state of denial.
"Before I fainted I had another flashback Dean. I dreamed about drinking the blood, but it was always at night."
"Bastard never slept, it would have been easy enough for him to sneak out..." Dean is cut off by a cry of pain from Sam who is doubled over and clutching his head. He jumps from his seat and kneels down beside Sam. Resting his hand on his brothers knee he says "It's okay Sam, breathe through it" while thinking 'Please not another memory, not right now'. His prayer is answered as Sams body loses the tension and he look up at Dean.
"How? How is this okay?" It feels like someone is driving a hot iron though his head, but this is better than the ten hot irons that were there a minute ago.
"Well, first things first. We need to get you to Bobbys." he knows Sam won't like the idea, but it's the safest place to do this.
"Sam, I know you don't want to, hell I wouldn't want to either. But it's the best place for you to do this and you know it." There are tears in Sams eyes and Dean feels like he's been punched in the gut but he needs to stay strong. He resolves to bottle it up and fall apart later while he's listening to Sam screaming for help. "I'm sorry Sammy." Sam nods and Dean adds "You know I'll be right there with you."
"Yeah... I..." Sam is at a loss for what to say, so he opts to stop. He stands up to go back to bed, all he wants to do is curl up under the covers, but his knees give way and he falls to the floor.
"Sam!" Dean practically yells as he falls to his knees and checks Sam over. "What the fuck?"
"I wanted to lie down" Sam mumbles as he pushed himself into a sitting position.
Dean helps him up while telling him "You gave me damn heart attack, thought you'd collapsed again."
'Can't even fall properly' Sam thinks as he utters a "Sorry" as Dean helps him to walk over the the bed and pulls the covers up over him.
"You be alright while I go call Bobby?" Sam nods and Dean says as he walks to the door "Okay, be back in a few." Sam nods and pulls the cover up over his head.
... ... ... ...
Sam is sitting up against the headboard with his knees drawn up to his chest. It helps to ease the stomach cramps, but at the same time it increases the pain in his back. He's trying to follow the conversation between Dean and Cas as Dean explains how Sam got demon blood back in his system, but he's only been able to pick up little bits here and there. The shaking and the cramps are making it hard for him to focus. He hears a voice that is all too painfully familiar whisper 'Only the man who brought demons into our home could become addicted to their blood without even remembering it' he dismisses the voice, knowing that it's a hallucination but it doesn't stop the words from adding to the reservoir of guilt that he already carries for that one. A voice cuts through his thoughts and he looks up to see Dean standing at the side of the bed.
"You with me Sam?" Dean asks.
"Yeah... uh... yeah I'm fine" he answers and Dean pulls a face to which he replies "Well I'm as fine as I can be I guess.
Dean nods and sits down as he looks over to Castiel who is hovering at the far end of the room before looking back to Sam. "Okay, so this is what I'm suggesting... We need to get you into the panic room as soon as possible, so Cas has offered to take you to Bobbys..."
'He's leaving you, just like you deserve' Gordon Walkers voice tells Sam. He interrupts Dean by asking "...And you?"
"Yeah I'll be there too. I'll drive up later after I get some sleep and then I'll be right there with you." Sam nods and looks back to his knees. "There's uh... there's one more thing Sammy..." Sam feels his stomach drop "...we think it might be best if you're sedated for a while. Give you a chance to rest, you know?"
Sam automatically backs away at the mention of them sedating him "Do I have a choice?" he asks and then grimaces as the throbbing cramps flowing through him take on a sharp stinging sensation.
"Of course you have a choice Sam" Castiel steps forward to stand at the foot of the bed. "I am sorry for what I said, I didn't know."
"I know, it's okay Cas" he breathes out as he starts to sweat and shake again. The sharp pain moves up to his head and it reaches the point where it feels like those hot irons are back again, except this time they are all over his body. "Do it. Please... I-I can't take it..."
Dean moves to sit beside Sam and puts his arm around his brother "You'll be fine Sam. We'll get you through this, I promise". Castiel hands him a syringe.
Sam nods and leans into Deans hold, saying quietly "Thanks." He feels the sting of the needle and a pleasant warmth flood through him as he's slowly pulled into a sleep.
Dean is standing outside the panic room looking through the door at his brother 'Jesus how much longer?'. He's never stayed through this. He's always drunk himself into oblivion or kept himself busy with repairing cars. This time though, he's determined to stay here with Sam, he didn't get addicted through his own fault and he doesn't deserve this. He turns back to watch his brother writhing on the bed, straining against some unforeseen assailant, he hates seeing Sam struggle like this and he lifts his hand to the door handle when Castiel puts his hand on his arm to stop him. "Dean, you can't... you know Sam will run if you open the door."
"I know that Cas but I can't let him go through this alone anymore. I mean... look at him" He turns from the angel to look into the room once more.
"I understand that this is... hard for you Dean, but it needs to be done. You should rest and I will stand guard." Castiel tells him in an almost caring manner, it's as close to emotion as the angel can get.
"No-one is standing guard Cas. Just watch him in case he remembers anything else?"
"Of course. I'll keep watch and intervene should anything happen." Castiel steps up to the door and and looks in. He turns to nod at Dean in a dismissing manner and Dean takes his cue to leave.
... ... ... ...
Sam has been trapped in this hallucination for about ten minutes now, he knew it was a hallucination when his mum suddenly appeared beside him, he dismissed her at first, refusing to acknowledge it. But she grew more persistent until he turned to face her, and that was the mistake because now he's not sure if this is a hallucination or if another piece of the wall has crumbled... She's standing over him now, she's moved on from "It's your fault Sam, me and Jess? You led the demon right to us, what is it about you and evil? That it follows you where ever you go?" to wrapping her hands around his neck and screaming at him "I should kill you just like you killed me." He's fighting to breathe and he swears that he can feel her hands around his neck, until she suddenly disappears and he looks down to see his own hands at his neck. He lifts them away and his throat opens back up.
He rolls off the bed and hears a noise from outside the door, looking up he sees Castiel staring in at him through the hole in the door. "Hey Cas."
"Hello Sam, how are you?"
"I'm uh... well..." Sam doesn't really know how to answer.
"I apologize..." The angel looks down and back up to Sam again.
"Don't worry about it, its a normal question to ask." Sam isn't sure what else he can say to Castiel.
"No that's not... I meant that I am sorry for the other day. I didn't know the circumstances surrounding the demon blood being in your system, and I understand that you were not aware of it at the time either." He looks genuinely remorseful about it.
"It's fine... really. I know you didn't know, and I didn't know what the hell you were talking about either..." Sam trails off.
"Thank you Sam. I'm not sure that I deserve your forgiveness." They both know what the angel is referring to, 'Sorry for calling you an abomination, sorry for treating you offhandedly and only really dealing with Dean.'
"I said it's fine Cas, really. It's okay." He would love to continue this conversation, but there's a clown standing next to Azazel and they are both shouting his name and drowning out Castiels voice. "Come on Sam, come play with us..."
Castiel watches on sadly as Sam is pulled into yet another hallucination.
... ... ... ...
Dean walks into the kitchen and is greeted by Bobby who tells him "Sit the hell down before you fall down boy." Which is Bobby speak for 'I'm worried about you son'. "You want some coffee?" He asks. Dean sits as instructed and nods in reply. "How you doing son?" Bobby asks as he hands the cup to Dean.
"I'm alright" Dean says, hoping that Bobby will drop the subject. He can't go to this place, not yet. He needs to break on his own first and then he'll allow himself to break a little less in front of others..
"That's bull crap and we both know it." Bobby tells him as he sits back down. "Now let's try again... How you coping with all this?"
Dean looks from the cup or coffee to Bobby "Honestly?" The older hunter nods and Dean says "I don't know how I'm coping. I don't think I've stopped to think about it really..."
"Well you know there's always a friendly ear here if you want it Dean." It's the barest sign of affection that Bobby has shown in as many years and Dean is gobsmacked.
"Thanks. I'm fine just now..." Dean says and stops, not knowing what to say
"...Yeah yeah yeah, but you'll come if you need me."
"Sam needs me right now, I gotta be strong for him Bobby."
"Yeah and while that's true, how much more can you take?"
"Yeah, how much more can any of us take? The only thing that matters right now is that's we're all here, and that we look out for each other." Dean tells Bobby with an underlying tone of 'I really need you to be here for us.'
Bobby picks up on it and says "Nah I ain't going anywhere Dean." He stands up and looks back to Dean, telling him "I gotta go work on some cars." Dean can see him reaching up to his face and wiping something away and he doesn't miss the sniff or the way that Bobbys shoulders are tense as he walks out the door.
... ... ... ...
Dean walks down the stairs and hears Sam shouting "No stop it, I'm sorry... I didn't... please stop."
He runs over the door of the panic room and looks at Castiel questioningly. The angel replies "It's not the wall, just a symptom of the withdrawal. He's hallucinating"
Sam screams "No Dean please don't leave me again."
'Fucking hell' Deans hand flies to the door handle and is pushed back by Castiel. "Open the door Cas." The angel hesitates and Dean adds "Now!"
Castiel opens the door and Dean practically runs into the room and crouches down beside Sam who is gasping for breath and shaking his head, Dean can hear the quiet "Nononono please. I'm sorry Dad, please don't..."
'Oh Sammy what are you seeing now?' "Hey, Sam... can you look at me?"
"Nnnooo, it's not... I can't..." Sam is looking around the room "...Dad... Mom? Please I can't tell... Dean?"
"Yeah Sammy it's me." Dean reaches out and touches the side of Sams face "Can you look at me little brother?"
"Yeah I'm right here. C'mon, turn around and look at me." Sam turns to look at him and Dean moves his thumb to wipe away the tears that are leaking from his brothers eyes.
"...you real?" Sam half asks him tentatively.
Dean smiles although his heart breaks a little at the question. "Yeah, I'm the real one."
"I'm glad... you made the bad ones go away when you came in."
"I'll always make the bad things go away for you Sammy." Dean says as he wraps his arm around Sam, pulls his brother into the hold and kisses his head.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A/N: I may do another chapter of this which will pick up about a week after this one.