A/N: I love you guys -33 Anyway, sorry for the long wait! Warning: Squalo Superbi.
"VOIIII! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"
"Not until you do it~"
"Why the HELL would I give you a fucking bubble bath?"
"Mou… Fine, just write the next diary entry~!"
"Tch… Fucking fag and his needs."
The Varia's Daily Diary
Greetings future Varia. I am Squalo Superbi. I am the commander. As in I am your fucking boss so don't you dare say a thing about my hair.
First and foremost, you must know that the Varia is an independent assassination squad full of FUCKING IDIOTS WHO JUST FUCK AROUND ALL DAY WITHOUT DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS with the exception of me, the responsible one.
I've read through all the entries and have been tempted to burn them. They all have three similar flaws:
1. They have nothing to do with the Varia.
2. They portray me as a commander who shouts 'VOI' for no reason which I sure as fuck am NOT.
3. THEY MAKE THE VARIA LOOK STUPID.
Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to tell you something that might actually be of use.
EXCERPT OF MISSION LOG OF TODAY:
0400 hours; Varia base.
This is the time we have set to get up. Get up any later and you'll have your ass kicked to Japan.
"VOIIII! IT'S TIME TO GET UP!", I said calmly as I kicked open the enormous wooden door to Lussuria's room. I expected a girly "Of course, Squ~!" or something like that, but instead was met with silence.
And you do not ignore the commander.
"VOIII! LUSSURIA, I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GO-"
The gay lord ran right up to me, encasing me in a bone-crushing embrace. I barely managed to choke out the words "fuck off" in the man's bear hug.
Lussuria let go of me with what I assumed was a pout. I was about to tell him it was time to get up when I noticed something wrong. Something very wrong. Something so wrong it shouldn't be passed down to the future Varia…. However, I'm going to inform you anyway.
Lussuria slept naked.
0700 hours; Varia base.
Everyone is gathered at the longue to get their respective missions.
"Has anyone seen Xanxus? He's the fucking boss and he's late! AGAIN!", I yelled, turning to face the remaining members of the Varia while pacing back and forth.
The other members gathered just seemed nonchalant and merely ignored my question. I could feel my blood boiling and it took all of my willpower not to toss some very expensive pieces of furniture into their smug faces.
"VOIII! I ASKED YOU BRATS A QUESTION!"
"Shishishi, the prince doesn't listen to peasants."
"I only answer to Bossu!"
"You didn't ask, you screamed, long haired commander."
"Squ-chan~ Calm down!"
I felt my eyebrow twitch. I slowly wondered why I decided to work in this sorry excuse of an assassination squad.
"Fine, whatever! I'll just give you all the fucking missions so we can go on with life!", I finally gave in, not wanting to raise my blood pressure more.
I fished out a small, crumpled piece of paper and passed it around the group, telling them to look for their names and respective missions. When the paper made a return to my hands, I noticed that some of them had written on it. I cocked an eyebrow and read:
MISSIONS FOR 1ST OF MAY:
Lussuria & Levi-a-than: Infiltration of the Asseno Family's base in Paris, France.
Mou~ Infiltrations are boring! xoxo, L
I WANT A MISSION WITH BOSSU. –L
Belphegor & Fran: Assassination of Pierre Miagro. Location unknown. Probably somewhere in Italy.
Ushishishi~ Don't blame me if I kill every Pierre I meet, then. –the prince
Great. You've paired me with the insane fake prince senpai again. –F.
Squalo: Do some damage control for everyone else's inevitable mess ups. Search for Xanxus. Yell at him for skipping every meeting we've had. Go back to the Varia base and prepare missions for tomorrow. Rant about how unfair life is.
You sound like an angsty house wife. –F.
1700 hours; Varia base.
Everyone returns from their missions, all looking beat up and pathetic. As the commander, it is my job to collect reports on their missions. (My mission of finding Xanxus ended in failure.)
"Lussuria, Levi! Reports!", I shouted when I noticed them making their way into the Varia base.
"Mou~ Squ-chan! Have mercy on us!", Lussuria pouted, "We're so overworked!"
Levi was quick to agree with his partner, "Yeah! You have no idea how dangerous Chihuahuas are!"
I was about to retort when I did a double-take. "Chihuahuas? You mean to say that this", I gestured to their bloody state, "was caused by some fucking Chihuahuas?"
"They are dangerous creatures", Lussuria said solemnly, shaking his head.
I quietly counted down from ten under my breath and simply walked pass them to go find Bel and Fran.
I quickly found them in the longue, Bel grinning ear-to-ear as usual and Fran pulling out one of the blonde's knives from his back.
"The two of you, reports!"
"Senpai killed fifty Pierres and a Paul."
"Did he kill Pierre Miagro?", I asked, scrunching my eyebrows.
"Dunno. He never gave them a chance to introduce themselves properly", Fran replied monotonously.
"Ushishishi, the prince doesn't listen to peasants."
I could feel my hand inching to my sword, but I took control of myself and counted down again, taking deep breaths.
I slowly dragged my feet to my room, locked the door and slowly reflected on my life thus far.
1900 hours; Varia dining hall.
We have dinner at 7, sharp. We all eat graciously and professionally. Most of the time.
"Bossu~! Manners matter, and your manners are terrible!", Lussuria chided, wagging a manicured finger. Xanxus didn't even seem to notice the man.
Unsurprisingly, the Boss himself made a reappearance during dinner. He was seated at his usual spot on the long, impressive dining table, already devouring his large meal.
"Bel-chan, stop stabbing your meal!", Lussuria chided, before adding, "No, you can't stab Frannie either! He's pretty much your meal anyway."
"Kinky", was the only word that escaped Fran's mouth.
"Levi-chan! Stop eye-raping Bossu~! Sexy things give him gas, you know that!", the gay lord continued, trying his best to stop the obsessed Levi.
I sighed and angrily chewed on my meal, taking out my infinite problems on the sorry piece of meat.
2200 hours; Varia base.
Curfew time. Do not ever break it. I will be watching.
THAT IS ALL. THIS IS THE COMPLETE LOG OF 1ST OF MAY. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A VARIA, SO PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE BEFORE JOINING. THANK YOU.
End of Entry 4. Sorry, but Xanxus will not be writing any entries. I already have plans for him so please do not request for him as it will be much too OOC for him (though this is a crack fic).
Tell me who you'd like to write Entry 5 ;D