When told of their new task, Thor beamed. "I welcome the opportunity to bestow my wisdom upon Midgardian supplicants."
Clint scowled. "This is stupid. I'm not writing some idiotic advice column. I'm the finest sniper on the planet, not fucking Dr. Phil." He crossed his arms and looked just past Cap's head – he'd learned that he could never win a direct staring contest with Captain America.
"It's supposed to be good publicity," said Steve, "which we need after the Bugle got that photograph of the Hulk trashing a playground."
Bruce looked appropriately abashed. There hadn't been any children present at the time, but the image of an Avenger wielding a swingset like a nunchuk had done little to endear his alter ego to the public eye.
"I don't write," said Clint, firmly.
"Then you can fingerpaint your answers," sniped Tony. "Those of us with more than a 4th grade education will take care of the rest."
"You're going along with this?" Clint's voice rose nearly an octave. "You don't really think it's a good idea, you just want to stay on your fuckbuddy's good side."
Tony gaped at Clint, dumbfounded, as if he had just asserted that water was wet.
"I think," said Natasha, speaking up for the first time since the subject had been broached, "that this will make us seem more human and approachable, which may be very helpful the next time we need to evacuate civilians from a combat zone." She tipped her head to the side. "Which, if current trends continue, will occur approximately once every one to two weeks."
Dear Avengers –
I am married and have three small children, ages 3, 5, and 9. My husband has been pushing for us to take a vacation without the kids. I'm worried about leaving them with a sitter, and I just don't think we can justify the expense of a trip that doesn't include the whole family, especially since our car has been making that ker-thumping sound again. What should we do?
Was it more of a "ker-chunk" or a "ker-thump"? You didn't mention the make and model of your car, but a ker-chunk sound tends to indicate there's something wrong with the fuel injector, whereas a ker-thump sound would be more indicative of alternator trouble. I suggest you pop the hood and check for any leaks along the fuel line; these can often be effectively patched with duct tape and high-strength glue. If it's the alternator, it will probably need to be replaced, but you can usually get a good deal at a salvage yard especially if you have an older model vehicle. Good luck, and thanks for Asking the Avengers.
Sincerely, Iron Man
After a day of reflection, Clint handed in his response, which looked and smelled as though it were written in grape jelly. It said simply, "You've got kids? Laaaaaame."
He's probably a Skrull. Kill him! Kill him!
Sincerely, Jessica Jones-Cage
Mayhap thine soulpartner's thoughts have turned carnal and he requests your exclusive attention that he may attend more fully to your shared marital pleasure and fulfill his duties as a husband. When lovemaking with my beloved Jane caused unrest among my shieldbretheren, soundproofing proved itself an excellent solution indeed. Perhaps you should consider the same.
Sincerely, Thor Odinson, God of Thunder
Hank Pym read the query briefly and said, "I don't think I'm qualified to give anyone marriage advice."
The soul of any strong relationship is compromise. Have you considered taking just a one-day vacation together and exploring the many wonderful sights available right here in New York City? I myself have spent many pleasant hours visiting the Statue of Liberty, the United States Courthouse on Foley Square, and the New York Public Library.
Sincerely, Captain America
Do you want to ASK AN AVENGER? You can submit questions via PM or the story comments section. Comments may be edited for clarity, hilarity, and whatever else I please.