Idiots of Zero is a series of one-shots featuring a plethora of what-if's consisting of a large cast of characters from the Red Vs Blue Series where as expected, hilarity insues. First up is Sarge. Feel free to rate and review and feel free to put up requests from the rvb cast. Just a warning though, this story isn't high up on my prioities list to I won't be updating it as much.
It was a sunny day in the Blood Gulch Canyon, as Sarge drank a can of Grenadine straight from the original container. Ahhh, deeelicious. Another day, another opportunity to kill the blues and if he was lucky enough, get Grif killed in the process. It never really happened quite yet, but Sarge hadn't given up hope.
Suddenly a female voice began "I beg of you…"
"What in Sam hell?" said Sarge, as he looked up to find the source of the voice.
"My servant who lives somewhere in the universe!"
"Who's doing that?"
Oh sacred, beautiful and strong familiar spirit!"
"Donut! If you're going to watch your stupid teen dramas again, at least have the decency to turn down the volume!"
"I desire and here I plead from my heart!"
"Donut? Lopez?... Grif?"
"Answer to my guidance!"
"Sweet jibbling nibblets!" Sarge yelled as he was swallowed up by an opaque light.
Sad as it sounded, Louise had become accustomed to the explosions that accompanied, or resulted from, her spell casting. In point of fact, if she were to somehow cast a spell without blowing something up she'd be concerned. As the smoke and dust cleared from the courtyard Louise could see a figure stand up from the debris while grumbling profanities from its mouth. The creature was some kind of red golem that had one bronze eye. Sarge looked left and right. Where the hell was he? IT sure as heel didn't look like Blood Gulch. He found himself surrounded by young teenagers who all wore what looked like a school uniform, with white long sleeved shirts, a black skirt and stockings or pants, along with shoes. Besides them, there was an assortment of different creatures he had never seen before.
"Is this one of those Comicons I heard so much about?" asked Sarge. Then a strange looking animal caught his eye. "Maybe this is the Puma Grif's been talkin so much about."
Suddenly a pink haired girl walked up to him. "You there take off your helmet." Sarge did so revealing a grizzled man in his thirties.
From the side Kriche laughed hysterically. "This makes all you said worth it, Louise! I never would have guessed you'd summon a plebian."
"It was just a little screw-up!" snapped Louise, a flush on her face.
"That's our Louise the Zero. She never fails to meet our expectations!" That remark from another student had the whole of them laughing again.
Mr. Colbert!" Lousie shouted desperately to the middle-aged man who stood on the far-side of the crowd.
"Yes, Miss Vallière?"
"Please! Let me try the summoning once more!"
Mr. Colbert shook his head, refusing the idea. "I cannot allow that, Miss Vallière."
"Why not?" asked the girl.
"It is strictly forbidden. When you are promoted to a second year student, you must summon a familiar which is precisely what you just did." He allowed a small pause as he stared at the strange Golem.
"But I've never heard of taking a plebian as a familiar!"
"No matter how unorthodox it might be, you cannot simply change the familiar once you have summoned it. Whether you like it or not, you have no choice but to accept him as yours, so please just continue with the ritual."
Grumbling Louise walked up to the Sergeant "You should count yourself lucky." She said "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for a commoner."
"I compliment you for not running away." Guiche smiled, closing his eyes as he ran a hand through his golden locks.
"Ahh shut it, pretty boy." Sarge grumbled. Hot damn, this kid was almost worse than Donut… almost. Guiche merely smirked and readied his rose, which appeared to be a wand.
"Very well." He released a rose petal that touched the ground. The dirt crumble and a female armored being rose from the ground, armed with a lance. "Here your opponent, a bronze golem, one of my Valkyrie warriors. I hope you're ready, familiar."
Sarge shook his head angrily. "Kid, if you're going to fight a man then fight with your fists. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men' except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead."
"Hah!" cried Guiche. "As if I'd ever stoop to your level of fairness! I am a noble and I will fight as such. You're dead, familiar." With that he waved with his wand to order the golem to attack. The golem launched towards Sarge, who still stood still. It stabbed its spear straight to where his heart should be, aiming for the kill. The attack connected but much to everyone's surprise the attack didn't even make a dent on the Mark 6 armor.
Sarge sighed. "Then that's not really fighting son. Here let me show you how it's done."
Sarge drew his left hand which was glowing with the runes much to his surprise, into a fist and punched the golem in the face, break off the neck of the golem. Its head rolled toward Guiche, and looked at its master with its lifeless eyes before crumbling to dust, just like its body. Guiche never stood a chance after that. With his opponent too shocked to even move, Sarge closed the distance between the two with inhuman speed.
"Hey Guiche, how do you like them apples? And by apples I mean FISTS, in your FACE!" yelled Sarge as he slammed his fist into Guiche's face sending him somersaulting backwards into the ground. Sarge stopped to look at the defeated figure. "How do you like them pears?" he asked squatting down. "Guess what I mean by pears. Theeese nuts."
The crowd gasped in horror as Sarge repeatedly T-bagged the poor Guiche who lay helplessly on the ground.
"Oh god." yelled Guiche as he lay on the ground humiliated. "Yield! Yield! Please, I surrender!"
Sarge stopped reluctantly and looked at Guiche strangely. "You surrendering" he asked in confusion.
"Yes, yes! For the love of Brimir stop I surrender!" cried Guiche.
"What do I get then?"
"You got a medic you can give me?"
"What about them fancy robot kits you got there?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"In that case kid," said Sarge, chuckling deviously. "I think we can come to some kind of arrangement. Now here's exactly what you're going to say…"
A few minutes later Guiche found himself in front of the entire school as the large crowd pushed and shoved to see the boy who lost all his dignity to Louise the Zero's plebian familiar.
"I would just like to let everyone know..." began Guiche. "That I suck."
"And?" prompted Sarge from the side.
"And that I'm a girl."
"And I like ribbons in my hair… And I want to kiss all the boys." Guiche finished glumly.
The crowd laughed hysterically at Guiche's punishment. Sarge himself watched the entire process, giddy with joy as it reminded him of the time Grif had to go through the same process. "This has got to be the second best surrender of all time." He said.
Beside him Louise also stood laughing at Guiche's expense. It was, she thought. It truly was.