Next chapter, enjoy
This chapter is dedicated to Invisiblemage because their review is my favorite and they gave me a great idea for my story! So thank you Invisiblemage! : D
Also I have to give credit to Manny Heatlook, as you gave my some ideas also. Thanks to both of you! : )
The road to recovery was long and hard. I was informed later on that from the first time I had a woken to the second time it had been three days. This information was meaningless to me as time had become useless. I couldn't tell what day it was let alone what time it was. It all passed in waves of haze and confusion.
I was kept under 24/7 watch by group of nurses; as they were afraid I would hurt myself again. I can still remember the look on Nii-chan's face when the doctor told him that. I really couldn't blame them because the idea of jumping out of the hospital window had passed through my head more than once in the few moments I allowed myself to actually think. For the most part I allowed myself to just zone out, I was still on some pain meds and they helped me let go of most everything. There was a downfall to it all though.
I hated feeling numb.
There was the numbness from before when I would cut and then there was this type of numbness. They were competently different feelings. This kind was evil; it stripped me of my ability to think, to feel anything, to…anything. It made me feel helpless and stupid and more than anything—nothing. Like I was nothing, that I meant nothing, my feelings were nothing, my thoughts were nothing. I knew I should have been grateful for it as it kept me away from the thoughts that lead me to be in here in the first place but at the same time it was scary to feel so out of control in this way.
I suppose it didn't matter one way or another, either way I felt more and more dead inside with each passing day.
It also made me laugh when I thought about it because in all the time before I was hospitalized, all I wanted was to be numb and yet here I was complaining about it. At least before I felt alive; even through all the pain and the hurt I was alive. It was something I was only realizing now. The pain had kept me alive, as crazy as that sounded. The pain had allowed me to live as long as I had and without it, I'm sure that I would have been dead or strapped to this gurney a long time ago.
But I guess now it's a moot point because here I am
The realization made me laugh, and the more I thought about it the harder I laughed. I was a hypocrite because I knew myself and I knew that the moment I felt that soul torching, breath taking, relentless pain; I would want to be numb again. I would never be happy, that was for sure. For what I had I didn't want and for I what I wanted I didn't have.
The insult vibrated from my insides out, becoming the only thing I could think of. Again and again it echoed in my head, and I could only laugh. I must have seemed insane, and then I realized it was only in my head that I was laughing. The room was silent except for small the beeps the machines made and the sound of people talking quietly.
I could see Nii-chan talking with one of the nurses—the one that had brown hair and eyes—by the far wall.
What where they talking about?
Was it me?
Where was Usami-san?
Darkness began to cover the edges of my sight and I rolled onto my back. The question persisted, sitting at the front of my mind because even on the brink of unconsciousness, filled full with pain medicine and numb from head to toe, Usami-san still manages to find his way into my mind.
As the days passed, I felt less and less hazy and I could only guess it was because they were slowly taking me off whatever drugs I was on. It had felt like months but I was positive it was only a couple days.
Nii-chan stayed with me most of the time, but when he was gone I had a private nurse that watched me constantly. I was still 24/7 suicide watch. Again, I couldn't really blame them because when the window became impossible to use, the needles stuck in me began to look very appealing as a way to reopen the still-healing wounds on my arms.
I came to know the main private nurse very well, as I was with her most the time. It was more because of boredom than anything else; I wasn't allowed to have anything. She would talk endlessly, without me ever saying a word and surprisingly I would listen. Her name was Manami Kajiwara. She had brown hair and brown eyes.
Though friendly and nice, she was quite boring in everything. Her long speeches were normally about nothing in particular, like what she needed to get at the grocey store or what material/colors she wanted to use to make a quilt. I eventually would zone out; normally when I could no longer take the excessive babbling.
I felt guilty for thinking like that about her, but I couldn't help it as it was the truth.
For the most part I used her to not think about my own life. I didn't want to think about anything. Every time I saw Nii-cahn I had to advert my eyes. It was easier to pretend like life was only about what food would I cook tonight and what hobby could I do. I didn't want to think about things, like how Nii-chan felt right now; how disgusted everyone must be with me; how disappointed my parents would be if they were here right now; where Usami-san was and if he hated me even more now for making Nii-chan this miserable.
It kept me from thinking; it stopped me from feeling the tidal wave of anger and hate and disgust. It was good, this not-feeling, because I could think, but not about those things. They didn't crush me under their weight. It allowed me to ignore them. I could pretend like they didn't exists, like it didn't happen. I knew I could pretend forever by for right now it was the only way I knew to keep moving forward. I wish I could ignore them forever, but I knew that wouldn't be possible. At some point I knew I would have to face it.
I couldn't look Nii-chan in the eyes and if he reached to grab my hand, I would recoil away from him. Touch wasn't something I was ready for. I knew it hurt him more when I did, but I couldn't allow him to show me that kind of kindness.
Because who was I to deserve it?
I didn't. I was sick, gross, twisted, broken. Even if he didn't see it now, he would later. He would remember all those times he showed me kindness and hate himself, and me more than anything.
Himself, because he did it and me, because I allowed it.
I was damaged and anyone that said I wasn't was fooling themselves. And yet they came around every day to talk to me, to show me a kindness, a 'warmth' that I never thought possible. It made my stomach crawl every time and I wanted to cry because I knew the truth.
It suffocated me
Everyone had tried to talk to me, to make me talk, but I hadn't said a word to any of them. I desperately wanted to ask many things but on the top of my list was where Usami-san was. It burned my mouth with how much I wanted to ask, but I couldn't allow the words to escape. It was too risky. So I said nothing at all.
I knew I was just hurting myself by not talking and not cooperating. The fewer signs of 'getting better' I showed, the longer I would be strapped to this bed, being watched constantly. The more I would hurt Nii-chan by showing him my true feelings, my true self. What was shown on the outside right now was how I felt on the insideand Nii-chan couldn't handle it. I knew that he wouldn't be able to handle it. That's why I did what I did.
Even knowing that I knew I needed to show them I was better, I needed to make up for my sins. My sins of being a burden, of being me. I needed to try, even if I had already died inside. As much as Nii-chan saw my true self now, I knew he didn't know how far down the rabbit hole I had gone. I did wonder what he thought about it all but at the same time I was too scared to ask.
So I did, but I started slow. A couple of words here and there; a painted on smile; allowing Nii-chan to hold my hand in his own, even though it made me cringe on the inside, a forced laugh, food that tasted like cardboard shoved down my throat, admiring eyes that surveyed the world around me, taking in the 'beauty' of things that I never saw before.
It was all fake.
Every word I spoke, every sound I made, every expression that went across my face. It was all fake, an illusion, a trick, an act, a lie.
That's what I was, a liar.
An ugly, repulsive, liar. I could see the hope in Nii-chans eyes and the smiles on everyone's faces – so happy that I was getting better. I didn't know it was possible, but I hated myself even more than before.
I was a terrible person and this facade made it even clearer that I shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as everyone else. I say all that, but I couldn't stop myself now. They were all so happy, especially Nii-chan, how could I go back now? How could I ruin their hopes? How could I tell them that I wasn't okay?
Somehow I made myself believe that maybe eventually this act would turn into something real. Maybe if I acted the part I would start feeling emotion they wanted me to feel. I wanted to be better. I didn't want to feel this way but somewhere in my mind I wondered if I deserved to get better. After everything I had done was there hope to be better?
Several more weeks passed with lots of long talks with a therapist that had been assigned to me, although I never did say anything important or truthful because of my fear that they would be disgusted or tell Nii-chan. I knew it was stupid. They would never say anything, but I couldn't stand the thought of them looking at me with those eyes. Eyes that said everything that I already knew, that I already told myself. Nii-chan had decided to not admitting me into a mental hospital. I was conflicted on how I felt about it. On one hand being in a mental hospital would have helped me the most but on the other hand I hated hospitals. I didn't want to go to another one and be there for months.
I was also thankful because I didn't know if I could keep the act up in there. And if they knew my thoughts, they would never let me leave. As much as I hated the hospital, I soon learned that I hated being home even more. It was like it had been before, back when Nii-chan and Usami-san were always gone and I was alone, but this time Nii-chan was here. He was always with me, having taken time off work to watch me and make sure that I didn't try again.
It was so silent in the house. We didn't talk at all and I wondered if it was because Nii-chan didn't know what to say to me. He wouldn't even look at me sometimes. I could feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach every time that happened and I could only think one thing – he finally figured out how disgusting and unworthy of his love and kindness I was. It was a heart wrenching feeling that made me want to cry but I didn't.
I hadn't cried once since that day with Nii-chan.
I had always known it was coming. How could I not? But now that it was finally here, it nearly destroyed me. I thought I was ready for it, that I had prepared myself for when it would come but I couldn't have imagined what it did to me inside. I hadn't felt any different from when I went into the hospital to now. I knew I should have but I truly didn't.
Pain, never ending pain, it was always there. With every beat of my heart and every breath I took it was there, like a parasite that had infected my whole body.
All the emotions piled on top of each other. Pain, self-hate, disgust, sadness, loneliness, anger… I wanted to know why. Why was he ignoring me now? Was it to make me hurt more? Was it to make me feel worse? It had been weeks of silence, with the tension growing with every second. Those questions circled my brain, not even letting me sleep. I was so tired of acting and lying and keeping everything inside… I felt ready to burst.
"Why are you ignoring me?" I asked softy, my voice cracking a little from being out of use.
I slowly slid my eyes from the table where we were eating rubbery eggs to Nii-chan. His expression was something out of a movie. Fork half-way to his mouth, food slightly falling off it, eyes wide in surprise. He put the fork down and paused to clear his throat.
"I'm not ignoring you." He spoke in a normal voice compared to my quiet one.
It was my turn to look stunned. How could he call what had been taking place for months not ignoring? I decided that it would be okay, just this once to speak my mind. Maybe this would hide my ugly side from him just a little bit better, because I couldn't stand him not talking to me, not smiling at me anymore. I had work so hard for so long to keep him away from how I felt inside. I wasn't going to let that go.
"You don't talk to me; it's always so silent. Even when you're sitting right next to me all you do is stare off into space. It's almost like you're not even here." I whispered back, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him anymore, in fear of his expression.
I thought the conversation was a little ironic because what I just said seemed like something that Nii-chan should be saying to me, not the other way around.
"What do you want me to do?" Nii-chan asked raising his voice slightly; I flinched back from the tone in his voice.
He sounded so hopeless and weak
"I don't know what to do! I'm so scared I'll say the wrong thing and send you over the edge! I still don't even know why you did it…" he said in a softer voice than before, but I still couldn't look up at him.
"I keep going through it, over and over again in my mind…the months leading up but I can't think of anything. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Was it because I wasn't here?" His voice cracked with tears and it was here that I looked up.
Nii-chan had his head in his hands and he was shaking like a leaf. I felt helpless; I should have kept my mouth closed.
"Why?" He whispered, almost to quietly for me to hear
His head came up and he locked his eyes with mine, searching for something.
"Why did you do it?" he asked again just as quietly
I stared back for a moment before looking away.
How was I to answer? What would I say? I couldn't use the excuses I gave to the therapist; Nii-chan would see right through them. He would know I was lying.
Shouldn't he have already known why or at least part of why? I had written it down, clearly. Why hadn't he read it? Did he deem it not worth his time? What happened to my letter?
I was about to ask but I changed my mind. In some weird way I was glad that Nii-chan hadn't read my letter. It meant he was still in the dark about the feelings that weighed heavily on my shoulders. Instead of asking about the letter or answering the questions that Nii-chan really wanted to know but I could never answer, I decide that I would ask about something else that had been clawing at my insides. Though I knew it would hurt me more when I asked; I needed to know, so like ripping off a band ad, I blurted it out
The sobs that had been dying down when Nii-chan realized that I wasn't going to answer stopped completely. Everything went quiet again and both me and Nii-chan seemed to stop breathing all together for a second. The moment was broken when Nii-chan picked up his fork again and went back to eating the now cold food.
"With you coming out of the hospital and everything, we decided to take a break for a couple months" Nii-chan answered but he refused to look at me.
He was lying.
But why and what about?
What had happened?
Please R & R
If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful
I want to thank all my followers and people that review. Thank you for staying with me and reading my story.
I also want to thank my editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan because not only is she willing to beta this story and she always knows just what I want to say, she has become a close friend and I don't know what I would do without her.