This fic is for my beautiful friend, Collinda. I think she's the first friend I made on FF. She is the most gorgeous, incredible reviewer I know. I love you, sweetie. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. Your humour and encouragement and friendship means so very much to me!
This story is a work of fiction by an amateur writer and is for entertainment purposes only. The writer is in no way associated with Criminal Minds nor anyone connected to the program. No Copyright infringement is intended and no monetary compensation has been received by the creation of this story.
All publicly recognized characters and storylines are owned by The Mark Gordon Company, Paramount/Viacom, Touchstone Television, CBS Television Studios, ABC Studios, and their related entities.
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"And then after dinner at the uber chic, uber expensive French restaurant, Kevin says he's got us a room booked at the Ritz Carlton. Can you imagine? Me, Penelope Ann Garcia, in a FIVE STAR HOTEL! Ohmigosh, I am so freeeeeking excited!"
Hotch spooned a pinch of sugar into his coffee, smiling as he listened with half an ear to the females in his team talk about their plans for Valentine's Day. It happened to fall on a Friday this year, which is why JJ was currently informing her friends that she and Will were going to go away for the weekend; their first since she had rejoined the BAU. Hotch took a sip of his coffee and was about to leave when he glanced over at the table where the women were seated.
What he saw made him pause mid-step. Emily sat there, listening to her two companions' plans with their partners, a smile on her face. That in itself was not unusual. What drew his attention was the fact that her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. In fact, her eyes were … sad. As the other two women laughed and joked about whether there was any point at all in JJ bringing along a sexy negligee, Emily appeared to be lost.
It was a feeling he had more than a passing acquaintance with. In fact, he didn't think it was an exaggeration to call loneliness his constant bedfellow. And it appeared that he wasn't the only one. As he watched his subordinate with her melancholic dark eyes, he wondered if there was something he could do. He couldn't ease her loneliness, at least not in a romantic way, but perhaps he could lift her spirits.
Hotch walked back to his office and googled 'valentine's day gift baskets Washington'. Clicking on the first entry, he picked up his phone and dialled. "Hi. Yes, I'd like to place an order for hand made dark chocolates, please."
Emily strode into the bullpit, eyes straight ahead. Do not look around Prentiss. Because you'll immediately get depressed the moment you see flowers at someone's desk. She couldn't remember the last time she even got a Valentine's Day card, never mind flowers. She sat down and shoved her clutch into the drawer under her desk. You do not need flowers. In fact, you don't need a man. You're perfectly happy on your own. And really, you're not even on your own. You have Sergio. He was a man. Kind of. He was as needy as a human male, that's for sure. But the bonus was he didn't talk back. Or do other annoying things. And then there were her other two trusty companions – g-spot vibe and rabbit vibe. What more did she need?
"Morning Emily." Reid walked in, giving her a smile as he took his messenger bag off. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Emily grunted and typed in her log on ID and password.
"So do you have a date tonight?" Reid sounded chirpy.
"So do you want to lose a testicle? Don't ask."
"Oh." There was a satisfying silence. Unfortunately it didn't last long. "I only asked because you weren't wearing your traditional all-black Valentine's Day attire."
The brunette narrowed her eyes at her colleague. "So I'm wearing a white dress. Haven't you heard? White's the new black." Fashion was one of the things guaranteed to shut Reid up. It worked like a charm. In actual fact, she had accidentally ran out of black things to wear. The slutty black cocktail dress was somewhat inappropriate for work. Especially since there was no one around here that she wanted to flash her cleavage at. The maroon wrap around dress that she had worn a few months ago had caused such a widespread phenomenon of bulging eyes-to-bosom stares from males outside her team that she had sworn never to wear another one to work again. Fricking perverts. They had all acted like they had never seen boobs before. She had even caught Judy Davies checking out the girls. Although that probably wasn't sexual. Emily had heard from Pen that Strauss' assistant had been thinking of getting a boob job. She wondered what she would do if Judy turned up at work one day with identical boobs. God, thought Emily as she shuddered. The thought didn't bear thinking about.
"Hey, Princess! How's it hanging?" Derek flashed her a million-watt smile as he slid into his chair. "I'd come over and give you a Valentine's Day hug but I better not seeing that I'm gonna need my man muscle for tonight."
"Shut up, Morgan," she bit out. What the hell was everyone so happy about? Even Reid didn't have his usual quizzical, slash thoughtful look as he perused the file before him. He looked almost content. And now Derek was humming. She frowned, trying to place the tune. "Morgan!"
"What?" He grinned, looking innocent.
"Were you just humming Sexual Healing?" What she won't give to be able to kill with a look. Except then she'd have to explain to Hotch why he was an agent down and why he was going to need to get the cleaners in to clean up the big steaming pile of mess that used to be Derek.
"Yes, but it wasn't aimed at you. I was listening to my Marvin Gaye CD on the way to work. You just need to chillax and – " Morgan stopped, wariness appearing on his face at her raised eyebrow.
"What, get laid? Was that what you were about to say?" Her voice was sweetly saccharine.
The sheepish smile on his face was her answer. She opened her mouth to make a cutting retort. Unfortunately for her, and fortunately for him, her phone rang. Emily shot her team mate a glare and picked it up. "Prentiss."
"Agent Prentiss, this is Bill down at the security desk. I have a delivery for you here."
"What's the delivery, Bill?" What the hell was it and who sent it?
"Uh.. I can't say for certain, Agent. We scanned it, but it's hard to tell." Emily frowned. Was she imagining it or was the security guard sounding evasive. Weird.
"I'll be down in a couple of minutes."
Five minutes later, she walked back into the BAU, a small gift basket wrapped in dark purple cellophane trimmed with red satin ribbon in her hand.
Derek blew a wolf whistle. "Oooh, Princess, what've you got there?"
"None of your business." She paused next to her desk. Maybe she should go to the bathroom to open it. She wasn't sure if she could bear any more of Derek's teasing. Oh, what the hell. What else could it be but chocolates. It was too small to contain fruit or bath products and normally jewellery wasn't sent in a gift basket. Not that anyone was going to send her jewellery.
Emily sat down and tugged the end of the ribbon, then pulled open the crackly cellophane.
"Holy fucking shit." Morgan was suddenly right next to her. "What are you planning for tonight? An orgy?"
"Oh, wow." Reid had also come up to stand next to her.
The three of them stared in awkward silence at the twin pack of 'his and hers' KY jelly sitting innocently amid at least two dozen condoms. All in different coloured packs.
Reid bent down to take a closer look. "Trojan Ribbed, Trojan Magnum, Trojan Her Pleasure, Trojan Ultra Thin, Trojan Extended Pleasure, Trojan Non-Lubed, Trojan Supra, Trojan Twisted Pleasure, Trojan Mint Tingle, Trojan Ultra Pleasure, Trojan-Enz Lubricated. Well, it looks like Trojan is the sender's condom of choice."
Emily had finally recovered from her 'surprise' gift. "You think?" she asked sarcastically.
The younger man flushed and straightened up. She turned her focus to Derek, who had been suspiciously quiet thus far. "Did you send me this as a gag gift, Morgan? Cos if you did, I am going to get Pen to text all the female contacts on your cell and tell them you have herpes."
"I did not do this! Come on, what would I get out of it? My balls tied in a knot? No way."
She was still glaring suspiciously at him when they heard Dave's amused voice to their right. "I only have two questions. Where's the party and am I invited." He looked down at her gift basket, eyes twinkling.
Emily rolled her eyes. Great. Another joker. "Very funny, Dave. Not."
Dave smiled down at her. "So, who's Trojan man?"
"Emily thinks Morgan sent it to her," volunteered Reid.
Everyone turned to look at Derek. "For God's sake, it wasn't me! I can't prove a negative, but trust me, I am not a Trojan man. I use Pleasure Plus condoms, okay? Here, look." He pulled out his wallet and removed a blue foil packet. "See?"
"Pleasure Plus? You're joking right?" Emily looked down at the item. Just because Derek had a different brand in his wallet didn't mean he wasn't the perpetrator.
"Actually, it's true," said Reid. "Pleasure Plus is Morgan's preferred brand. It is specifically designed to enhance sensation through its looser fit, hence allowing nerve endings to remain at their most receptive."
The silence that followed was deafening. Emily was the first to speak. She looked at her partner and their resident genius. "So, how long have you both been in a relationship?"
Derek chortled, slinging his arm around Reid's narrow shoulders. "I don't know. What do you reckon babe, four months?"
"I..I we are not in a relationship!" spluttered the younger profiler, turning bright red as he angrily pushed Derek's arm off him. At Derek's uproarious laughter and Dave's chuckling, he shot them an furious look before walking back to his desk. "We're not in a relationship," he reiterated as he sat down at his desk. To Emily's surprise, a second later, Reid smiled at them, laughter dancing in his eyes. "It's purely sex. There's no relationship. And believe it or not, Morgan's a bottom."
At that, Emily and Dave burst out in loud, uncontrollable laughter while Morgan was now the one spluttering out his denial. "I am not having sex with Reid! Reid, you are so dead. I'm going to come to your house and steal all your books. I swear."
Reid shrugged and Morgan eyed him as he moved back to his own desk. "Besides, even if I were, I would definitely be a top!" muttered Morgan.
When the laughter finally died down, Dave addressed Emily. "You really don't know who it's from?"
"I really don't. I think it's a mistake, though. Read the card that came with it."
I'm looking forward to tonight. Here's a preview.
From you know who
"From 'you know who'?" Dave made a face. "Dated anyone original lately?"
"I haven't had a date since I came back seven months ago. Apparently being thought of as dead puts a slight damper on your love life." She didn't have a single clue who it could be from. "I'm going to go with my original deduction that it was sent to me in mistake." She sighed, wrapping the basket back up. "Pity I'm not seeing anyone. I wouldn't have minded testing out 'Her Pleasure' and 'Mint Tingle'.
Dave gave a low laugh as he headed for the stairs to his office. "They're good, but my recommendations would be the 'Extended Pleasure' and the 'Magnum'".
"Guess it makes sense you're a Trojan man, Dave. The brand has been around for 80 years," Emily called out, grinning to herself when she heard him tell her to zip her mouth.
It was only six but the BAU was already empty. The only person left besides her was Hotch. He had only gotten in late that afternoon after spending most of the day in meetings at the D.C. field office. Emily chewed her lip, staring at the small stack of reports left on her desk. Unlike everyone else, she had no plans for the evening, so she could technically stay and finished them off. On the other hand, she could instead get some Thai take out plus she had that litre of Dublin Mudslide in the freezer she hadn't yet touched. The way she was feeling, she was probably going to go through the whole tub tonight. The only toss up was whether she felt like watching Kill Bill or Silence of the Lambs.
Making the decision to leave, she packed up and powered down her computer. She was almost out the door when something made her turn back and look up at the only office on the catwalk with the lights still on. Emily contemplated the silhouette of her Unit Chief for a few moments before coming to a decision.
She walked up the stairs and knocked lightly on his door. "Hey, Hotch."
Hotch looked up at her, a faint smile appearing on his face. "Emily. You were about to leave?"
"Yeah. No date tonight?" she asked lightly, testing the waters.
"Yes, I do actually."
She frowned inwardly at her reaction to his reply. Surely that wasn't jealousy she just felt. No, it was only disappointment. She would have liked his company tonight. Her rambling thoughts halted at his next words.
"Well, if you count a date with a bottle of scotch." His smile widened fractionally. "Jessica's just broken up with her boyfriend and asked if she could take Jack to visit her cousin in Providence for the weekend."
"In that case, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for some Thai take out and an excessively violent movie." She held her breath. For some reason, she really, really wanted him to say yes.
Hotch looked at her, his face set in its usual inscrutable lines. He was going to say no. "I've got a better idea. Just let me make a call."
Emily watched him scroll through his contacts on his cell and press call.
"Peter? It's Aaron. I'm well, thanks, how about you?" He paused. "I know you're probably fully book, but I was wondering ..." A smile lit up his face. "That's wonderful. Thanks so much for that, I really appreciate it." Another pause. "Yeah, sure, if you ever need a profiler, give me a call," he replied, chuckling. "See you at eight."
Emily raised her eyebrows. "So I take it we're going somewhere?"
Hotch paused. "I should have asked you first, shouldn't I?" He grimaced. "I'm obviously out of practice. I'm sorry. Emily, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" He paused. "Uh, as a friend of course. It's not a date, so please don't think I'm uh..." He struggled to find the right word while she looked on in amusement. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen her supervisor at a loss for words.
"It's fine, Hotch, I know what you mean. I won't report you for sexual harassment." She didn't try to hide her smile at his discomfiture. "And yes, dinner sounds lovely."
"Great." He looked relieved. "Will an hour and half be enough time for you?"
Her brain raced. She needed to shower, shave her legs, blow dry her hair and apply make up. That should be enough time. If she could figure out what to wear. "Just."
"I'll pick you up at 7.30 then."
"Okay." She was about to turn to go when he called her name.
"I almost forgot to ask. Did you get the gift basket today?"
"I beg your pardon?" Surely she didn't hear what she thought she heard.
"A gift basket. From Jenna's World of Gifts?" Hotch frowned at her lack of response. "It didn't arrive?"
"Umm...y..e..s it did." Holy crap. Maybe it wasn't a mistake. Maybe Hotch was trying to hint that he wanted to pound the punany pavement tonight. Her punany, none the less. "The er...gift basket was from you?"
"Didn't it say on the card?" He looked at her for a long moment, expression quizzical. "Emily, I hope you're not offended. I really didn't mean anything by it. I just thought that since it was Valentine's Day, you might like to indulge in a bit of a pleasurable past time. I know how much you like these varieties."
Her mouth parted. She was feeling slightly light-headed. If she hadn't known her supervisor as well as she did, it was highly likely that she would have fainted. "I presume your gift basket wasn't supposed to contain a selection of condoms and lubricant?"
Hotch froze. He looked like a statue. "Pardon?" Even his mouth barely looked like it had moved.
Emily reached into her bag and took out the gift basket, unwrapping it before placing it before him. The look of sheer horror that appeared on his face was priceless. So much so that she had to bite the inside of her lip hard to stop from bursting out in laughter. Okay, she had her answer. The condoms weren't from her boss. Bummer. She could have done with some rock and roll tonight. Even if the consequences would have affected their professional relationship. Boy, she was horny. And she wasn't blind. Hotch was a good looking man. She had even had a couple of x-rated fantasies about him in the past. She sighed, it was never going to happen. Even if he had felt the slightest hint of attraction for her he was too disciplined and controlled to ever act on it.
"E..Emily, I swear, this was not what I ordered. It was chocolate truffles. It must be a mix up. I'm so sorry. I never meant for this, I swear." The look of distress on his face made her cut in quickly.
"Hotch, relax, it's fine. I never thought it was from you." Well, except for a split second. And that had been more wishful thinking than a real thought. She could still discern concern on his face, though. "Will it make you feel better if I promise I won't report you to IA for sending me this 'gift'?"
"Not really." He still looked partially shell-shocked. And knowing him as well as she did, she knew what he was going to say next, so she jumped in first.
"You are not backing out of dinner. So don't even think about it." She picked up the basket of condoms and lube and stuck it back into her bag. Emily walked to the door and looked back at her Unit Chief who was still sitting at his desk, staring at her.
"Emily, what..." he gestured wordlessly at his desk, then at her.
"Oh," she grinned. Lucky she could read sign language Hotch-style. "Don't worry, I wasn't planning to use the condoms tonight. I thought I'd drop them off to the free clinic down the road from my place on the weekend." She had no idea why she said what she said next. "Trust me, Hotch. If we were going to end up in bed, I won't want there to be any barriers between us. I'll see you at 7.30."
She smiled to herself as she walked down the stairs, the open-mouthed look on his face still imprinted in her mind. She couldn't wait to see him tonight. It was going to be a very interesting evening. She had to admit though, that she was a little worried about the handful of unprofessional thoughts she had recently had. Because she was pretty sure jumping your boss' bones constituted sexual harassment.
It was all the condoms' fault for putting thoughts in her head. She was so getting rid of them the first chance she got. She stepped out of the lift into the parking garage. Maybe she might keep 'Her Pleasure' and 'Mint Tingle' in her purse. You never know. It wasn't completely outside the realms of possibility that she get a booty call. Although whether it'll happen before the condoms expired was another question altogether.
greengirl82 and I were commiserating over having to watch commercials about condoms and lubes. Then she said I had to write a fic about these. So I did. Thanks for the idea, greengirl82!
I'm still on a high after watching s07e12, and it probably showed LOL. Please review and let me know what you think of this first chapter. Chapter 2 will be posted on Valentine's Day.