Possible spoilers for: I Believe That Children Are Our Future, The Song Remains The Same, and Swan Song,
Summary: Michael and Lucifer tell Buddy TV what it was like to work on Supernatural during the angel arc. The views expressed by the archangel Michael are his and his alone, but I sympathize. A frustrated archangel is a vengeful archangel.
BuddyTV: Hi, my name is Karen Crosby. There must be some mistake, guys. I was expecting Michael and Lucifer.
Michael: You wanted to interview us, so here we are.
BuddyTV: Umm…you look like Dean and Sam on the show.
Michael (smiles): It's just an illusion. Otherwise your frail human mind could not cope with the way we really look.
Lucifer preens. He's dressed in a very stylish, fashionable pure white suit, shirt, no tie, white socks and white loafers. Michael brushes an imaginary speck of dust from the lapel of his sleek black designer suit. The suit fits his broad shoulders perfectly.
BuddyTV: Is that suit Versace?
Michael (nods): Yes, it is.
BuddyTV: You both look very nice.
Michael): Thank you. (He takes Crosby's hand and kisses it. She blushes. Michael sits down in the director's chair next to Lucifer.) I am the archangel Michael. Brother?
Lucifer: You may call me Lucifer. Call me Lucy and I will fling you into the deepest pit in Hell where you will roast in hellfire for all eternity.
Michael (scoffs): I hardly think that will be necessary.
Lucifer: Lucy. Hmph. Ackles and Padalecki ran that one into the ground. ' 'splain it to me, Lucy….'splain it to me, Lucy.' Over and over again. Good grief. Talk about juvenile.
Michael (sighs): They weren't so bad. I liked them.
Lucifer: Yes, Michael, you would say that.
Michael: You seemed fond of Jim Beaver. Didn't you follow him on Twitter?
Lucifer: I did. I unfollowed him when he didn't follow me back. I made him nervous. I can't imagine why.
BuddyTV: How did your association with Supernatural start?
Michael: We were approached by the producers. They said they wanted authenticity.
Lucifer: Our Father encouraged us to participate, said it would be good for us to work with each other.
BuddyTV: Wow. So you took this job with God's blessing?
Michael: There were conditions, of course. No violence. No vessels. We would be technical consultants to the show, nothing more. This was only make-believe, not the real thing. We also met with the writers. (Michael frowns and shakes his head.) If I'd known then what I know now…
BuddyTV: Michael, if you'd known what?
Lucifer (smiles): My brother doesn't have much experience dealing with Hollywood. He doesn't understand that sometimes reality has to be rewritten for the small or big screen.
Michael (rolls his eyes): Here we go.
Lucifer (sniffs the perfect red rose in his right hand): I've had many, ah, pleasurable experiences working in show business. Rosemary's Baby, for example. I loved that scene with Mia Farrow. Then there was The Omen with Gregory Peck. I was technical advisor in that one, and I loved working with Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate. There's a complete list of my films on my Facebook page. I'm very proud of all of them.
Michael closes his eyes, slumps in his chair and snores nosily.
BuddyTV: What about Devil, with M Night Shyamalan?
Lucifer (sneers): I had nothing to do with that. I saw The Happening and The Village. That was more than enough to scare me away from him. Am I boring you, Michael dear?
Michael (snorts noisily and makes a big show of waking up): Huh? What? Is it over yet?
BuddyTV: So, Michael, the experience on Supernatural wasn't what you thought it would be?
Michael (grimly): That's putting it mildly.
BuddyTV: Who did you have the most trouble working with?
Michael: The writers. Definitely the writers. I was portrayed as a dick. (He nods at Lucifer.) They portrayed him as sympathetic. Idiots. A lot of those show business people are demons. That's why he gets along with them.
Lucifer: Well, I don't begrudge them a little work on the side. If they scratch my back I scratch theirs. I did have some problems with the logic behind the writing. That Jessie kid, for example. He was an all powerful cambion, and he was supposed to work for me. He supposedly had the ability to destroy the Host of Heaven with a single word.
Michael (yawns): Not even on his best day.
BuddyTV: That's interesting.
Lucifer: Well, they embellished the creature's abilities a little.
Michael (snorts in derision): A little? A lot!
Lucifer: But why didn't those demons have a spare? Why just one? That's not the way my minions operate, and I told the writers that. We always have a Plan B.
Michael (snorts): And with all that, you haven't succeeded yet.
Lucifer: Our day will come.
Michael's eyes flutter shut, his head drops and he snores loudly.
Lucifer (ignores him): Then naturally the boy meets those awful Winchester brothers and gets turned to the side of light by them and just disappears. I just didn't see the point in all that. If they weren't going to use him, why bother?
BuddyTV: Was there anything else you didn't like, Michael?
Michael (sighs): Two words: Adam Milligan.
Michael: I was looking forward to seeing Jensen's take on me. He watched me for a couple of days, observed my mannerisms.
Lucifer: Jared did the same for me. He's very quick.
Michael: The basic premise was that Dean Winchester was my Chosen Sword and Vessel. I thought everything was going well until I read the script for The Song Remains the Same. In that episode the writers changed the whole thing. The way they wrote it I could jump into any Winchester, including young John Winchester. Once I saw that I knew there was no way Dean would be my Chosen Vessel on the show.
Lucifer: We had a nice long talk that day. He was very upset about it. Wanted to smite the whole lot of 'em. Except Jensen and Jared, of course.
Michael: I went from having one Sword to having a whole closet of them, the entire Winchester line, and that was not what I signed up for. Sometimes more is not better. Why would they set it up that Dean was my Chosen One, only Dean, and then change it? Adam Milligan was a weak substitute. No wonder my character was trapped in the Pit in the season finale. So what was the point? No one even mentions that Adam kid anymore. Good riddance.
BuddyTV: Well, I -
Michael (jerks his head at Lucifer): And another thing. Why did his character get more screen time than I did?
Lucifer (purrs): Jealous, brother? I've been in more movies than you have. So has Metatron. Kevin Smith approached him for Dogma, remember?
Michael: Paul Bethany portrayed me. Legion. 2010.
Lucifer: True. That was the best characterization of you yet. A sympathetic protector of humans. A formidable warrior angel. But the producers didn't ask you to be technical advisor. And do you want to know why?
Michael glares at Lucifer.
Lucifer: You're not approachable.
Michael: I'm not what?
Lucifer: Approachable. You're God's Supreme Warrior. His Righteous Fist. The Good Son. No one wants to do lunch with you because the humans regard you as too high and mighty. They feel you'd smite them as soon as look at them.
Michael: I'm not like that!
Lucifer: Perception, dear brother. They think you're like that. You need to get out there and network with people. You're not on LinkedIn and you don't have a Facebook page. And would it kill you to open a Twitter account? If you want to work in Hollywood you have to be more accessible, more down to earth.
Michael (scoffs): Like you? Please.
BuddyTV (desperately trying to steer the interview back on track): Are you two disappointed that your characters didn't get a chance to fight?
Lucifer (nods): It would have been biblical. On a smaller scale, of course.
Michael: I lurked on the online forums. I read the posts. 'We don't want to see the boys fight. They should hug each other all the time.' Ugh. That Becky the Fangirl was the worst. Horrible woman. (The air around Michael's clenched right fist glows with bright golden celestial fire that fades out in a few seconds.) Father forbade me to smite her. And I really really wanted to.
Lucifer (purses his lips, then reaches out both arms to his brother): I need a hug.
Michael (tersely): Hell. NO.
Lucifer: Suit yourself. He's too tightly wound. I tell him that all the time. He needs a massage. Or a cruise. The Bahamas are really nice this time of year.
BuddyTV: Ummm….I never imagined an archangel would be interested in the internet.
Michael: I keep up with the times. And those suits from the CW? Lying jackasses. 'Sorry, the special effects budget's been slashed,' they said. 'We have an exciting new direction for the angel arc,' they said. I heard every excuse in the book. I felt like smiting those bastards. Every damn day.
Lucifer: Michael! You cursed!
Michael: Shut up. If I'd acted out that wouldn't have been a sanctioned smiting, and Father would not have been pleased. My portrayal on the show was all wrong. I don't need Zachariah to speak for me. I'm not a dick. I'm patient and merciful. I believe in second chances. I appear whenever a sinner is on their deathbed. Did you know that?
BuddyTV: Uh, no, I didn't.
Michael: If the person is truly repentant I forgive their sins and allow them to enter Heaven.
Lucifer (sighs): He does that just to spite me.
Michael: Google 'Archangel Michael' and see what comes up. You can ask anyone out here. I have a conscience.
Lucifer: Sometimes it's good not to have a conscience.
Michael glowers. The building shakes slightly. (It was later recorded that a 4.8 tremor rumbled through the Vancouver area that day.)
BuddyTV (nervously): Ah, the new big bads for this season are the Leviathans. How do you feel about them?
Michael: Meh. Just…meh.
Lucifer: I always thought a leviathan was a huge scaly beast, but what do I know? Rewrites are common in Hollywood. (He looks pointedly at his brother.) I've told you that time and time again.
A herd of small brown weasels runs squeaking into the interview room, followed by a horde of large brown rats and snakes. Several of the weasels wear glasses. Some wear tee shirts; some of the rats and several snakes wear miniature ties and Bluetooth earpieces.
Lucifer: I didn't do this. Michael?
Michael (whistles tunelessly as he tries to look innocent): What?
Lucifer (stares in amazement at his brother): You did this. It was you!
Karen Crosby from BuddyTV screams and runs from the room, despite the fact that the varmints are more afraid of her than she is of them.
Michael: Yes, I did it, and I'm glad, you hear me? Glad! Father wouldn't let me smite them. He didn't say anything about changing their physical forms.
Lucifer (admiringly): So you found a loophole. Michael, you have a mean streak. I never noticed that before.
Lucifer: I like it! (He leans forward and stares fascinated at the critters milling around his feet.) Which is which?
Michael: You're slipping, brother. Snakes and rats? CW executives.
Lucifer (nods): Ah. That's most appropriate. And the weasels?
Michael (imitates Al Pacino in Scarface): Say hello to my little writer friends.
The snakes strike out at the rats and the weasels.
The weasels squeak loudly.
Help meee…help meeee…
We'll do a re-write…I swear we will…
Michael (chuckles happily): Too little, too late, you no-talent hacks.
Lucifer: Well, they seem remorseful enough. Are you ever going to change them back?
Michael: I'll never work in Hollywood again, so why bother?