A/N: This little crackfic was inspired by quistie64's birthday (anyone who wrote the lyrics for Chuck vs. The Sound of Music has to be a little cracked) and her thoughts on Chuck vs. The Curse (which you can read in Chuck vs the Incident Report). It takes place right after The Curse.
The style has been shamelessly ripped off from Notorious JMG's hysterically funny Chuck vs the Producers. If you haven't read it, you're missing out.
Needless to say, if you're looking for a story similar in tone to my previous Chuck vs. Pillow Talk¸ well, this isn't it…
Disclaimer: Don't own Chuck.
The black Lotus Evora screamed across the Warner Brothers backlot, sideswiping several placidly moving golf carts as it made its way to a cluster of trailers parked beside a set made up to look like a small town America. The angry shouts of cart occupants went unheeded as the car screeched to a halt in front a trailer marked "Josh Schwartz – Hart of Dixie – Exec Producer." A handsome brown-haired man got out of the passenger's side and peered through the trailer's window. Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, he turned back to the car and nodded. The driver's door opened and a beautiful blonde stepped out.
"The putz is in there?"
The man nodded again. "How do you want to do this?"
The woman shrugged, "The usual way." Several quick strides had her at the trailer's entrance. Pausing only to take the man's hand, she lifted a booted foot, kicked the door in, and stepped inside.
"Schwartz, I want a word. Several of them, in fact."
The occupant of the trailer jumped up from a couch, causing the papers surrounding him to scatter everywhere. "Sarah! And Chuck! How did you find – I mean, nice to see you!"
"Can it, Schwartz," Sarah growled. "You can put all the teenage soap opera angst you want in whatever the hell this show is, but if you don't want to join your pal Greenblatt in retirement, then I suggest you stop screwing with our lives."
"Hold on, Roger Greenblatt is retiring from NBC? I haven't heard anything about that. Why-"
"Casey's retiring him. Hear he what said about our show? You don't say we're over until we say we're done."
"Uh, yeah, yeah," Schwartz stammered. "But look guys, I've given you everything you wanted. I let you have the perfect wedding-"
"You put me in a coma right before the ceremony!" Sarah interrupted. "I couldn't pick up my wedding dress from Paris! That dress made me feel like a princess! I had to wear something off the rack! Off the rack!"
"She felt like a princess, Josh. You don't mess with that," Chuck added.
The producer began to roll his eyes, until he thought about the likely consequences. Instead he coughed and continued on, "I gave you 877 million dollars-"
"Which has mysteriously vanished," Chuck responded, rather heatedly. "How does 877 million dollars just disappear, huh, Josh? Huh? We can't even afford a down payment on a house! And this is a buyer's market!"
"Hey, secret bases and weaponry and private jets and satellites are expensive," Schwartz replied defensively. "Plus you got the Buy More."
Chuck snorted. "Castle cost us twenty-five million to buy. Operating costs are five hundred thousand a month. Casey's and Sarah's toys were five million. The Gulfstream G650 was sixty million. Our two satellites were three hundred million total. And buying a money-losing franchise of an electronics chain? Please. You're talking to a Stanford graduate here. By my count, we still should have over four hundred million dollars left. Where is it?"
"Errr, well, ah-"
"Schwartz," Sarah quietly interjected, looking around the trailer, "None of your shows are exactly rating blockbusters yet you always seem to have two or three on the go. Who, exactly, is funding this latest series of yours?"
"Errr, well, ah-"
Sarah put up the palm of one hand and gestured to a bottle sitting on a desk with the other. "What's that?"
"That? That's just what we provide everyone to drink. Sobe lifewater with coconut water."
"That costs six dollars a bottle," Sarah stated flatly. "Chuck, what do we get on our set?"
"The no name Costco stuff."
"At fifty cents a bottle." Sarah turned her gaze back to Schwartz, pinning him with a stare. "I'll ask again. Where did you get the money for this jumped up soap opera?"
"Errr, well, ah…" Schwartz trailed off and started looking for an escape. The confined quarters of the trailer made it clear that any route he took would put him within throat-squeezing distance of the increasingly irate blonde. Finally, he burst out, "At least you're together! That's what really counts, right? You're together… and having all the sex you wanted!"
Chuck glared at him venomously. "We were, until you screwed that up too. This one," he pointed to his wife, "is turned on by smart, confident, trustworthy Chuck. Neurotic, lying, mentally defective Chuck gets to sleep on the couch."
"Hey, you apologized at the end of the episode," Schwartz protested. "And she forgave you!"
The other man laughed bitterly. "Yes, sure. Honey, I lied to your face, I took off alone when you said you'd help me, and I basically handed over a weapon that could destroy civilization as we know it, but I'm sorry. Are we okay? Tell me, Josh, if you breezed in at two a.m. in the morning, forgetting that you had repeatedly promised your wife a special dinner for your anniversary, but she said 'okay' after a simple 'sorry', what do you think would happen?"
"Errr… everything was okay?" Schwartz ventured.
Chuck remained silent for a moment, jaw dropping, and then spun towards Sarah, "You see? You see what I have to deal with? I know we're always better together, I know I can trust you with the lives of our family but he… he…" Sarah curled her arm around his and squeezed when he faced Schwartz again. "Your mastery of adult relationships cost me three nights on the couch! Three nights! Three nights away from the bed of Sarah 'Oh-my-god-I-still-can't-believe-she-married-me' Walker!"
Schwartz took a step back, warily eying Chuck as the man trembled in indignation. "All right, all right, calm down. At least you scored some points with your sister for rescuing her and Devon, right?"
This attempted justification only served to increase Chuck's agitation. "Seriously? Seriously? Ellie was the one who figured out they were being held for ransom. Ellie was the one who escaped from a guarded room. Ellie was the only one who was left uncaptured when Sarah and Casey showed up. She threatened to transplant my brain with a rabbit's because then I would have an excuse for coming up with such a 'hare-brained' plan for rescuing her husband! And there'd be no anesthesia!"
Schwartz took another step back and decided his physical safety depended on him throwing someone else into the path of the Bartowskis. "Well, to be clear, it was actually Katsnelson who wrote the script. I only… approved it."
"So you'll shoot anything that's handed to you?" Chuck demanded. He then turned to Sarah, "Sweetheart, what's that story you like so much? The one you have bookmarked on your phone?"
Sarah grinned at her husband and dug out her phone from her back pocket. After fiddling with it for a few moments, she handed the device over to Schwartz. "There you go. There's your script for the episode after the next one."
The producer began to read off the screen, "Chuck and Sarah versus Banality by… mxpw? What kind of name is mxpw? How the hell do you even pronounce that?"
"Never mind the commentary and read the damn story, Schwartz," Sarah snapped before moving closer to her husband and licking her lips. Chuck responded by giving her a little Bartowski eyebrow dance.
"Guys, I'm not seeing a lot of plot here," Schwartz said as he continued to look down at the phone's screen and scrolling through the text. "Tic-tac-toe, scrapbooking, there's not…" He jerked his head up and looked at the couple in front of him, eyes wide. "I can't show this!" Almost compulsively, he glanced back down and scrolled through more of the story. "HBO couldn't show this! …How many chapters are there, anyways?"
Sarah snatched her phone out of his hands. "Wuss," she muttered, "just use the blurring technique you used in Hack Off."
"Half the screen would be pixelated!" Schwartz objected. "This is a family friendly show! Our viewers don't want to see that!"
Chuck rolled his eyes. "And that's why we're pulling in a 1.0 rating in the demo." He pointed to Sarah. "I mean, you really need to screw up to have a show with her in it get a 1.0 rating. People will tune in to watch her paint walls!"
"Chapter two?" Sarah asked mischievously.
"Chapter two." Chuck replied with a grin.
"Wait, what's chapter two? Never mind, I don't want to know." Schwartz shook his head. "Anyways, you can relax, that was Katsnelson's last show. Now, if there isn't anything else, I have to-"
"Sit down, Schwartz and shut up." Sarah gestured to the couch. "I'm not done with you."
"But I'm on a deadline and-"
The blonde agent moved closed and hissed, "Sit. Down."
Satisfied, Sarah started her speech, "Next week is our Christmas episode. Now, you don't have the best track record with giving us a happy Christmas. The first season, Chuck and I were on rocky ground after you sprung Lou and then Bryce on us. The second season, Chuck gave me his mother's bracelet which I love," she smiled at Chuck before glaring down at Schwartz, "and nothing better happen to it... But you also had Chuck watch me shoot an unarmed man and have me lie about it. That's no way to build a relationship. The third season…" She stopped and frowned. "I don't remember having a Christmas episode in the third season."
"Well you were with-" Schwartz cut off his reply when he saw Chuck frantically motion for him to shut up. "Ah, errr, we didn't have enough money to do a Christmas episode justice."
Sarah eyed him suspiciously but continued, "The fourth season you had some kind of weird post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas holiday episode. A guaranteed fan favourite and real ratings winner there. Which brings us to this season. This will be our first Christmas as a married couple. Chuck loves this holiday and I just want to spend it with him, Ellie, Devon, Clara and our friends with no surprises. That means no long-hidden secrets being suddenly revealed, no past boyfriends popping up, and no ex-girlfriends coming out of the woodwork. Understand me?"
Schwartz, who had progressively moved further and further back into the sofa, started to sweat and grow pale. He was however saved from responding by a knock on the remnants of the shattered door.
"Geeze Josh, what happened to your trailer?" a friendly voice called out. "Anyways, you're late for the script reading. I came to get – oh, hey guys, long time no see! How ya doing?"
Sarah stared at the short, perky brunette that had suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Lou?" she shouted incredulously, her voice breaking.
Schwartz grew even paler. "Rachel. Oh God. Run!"
Daily Variety – December 19th 2011
Move over Felicity's Keri Russell – you've got company in the "what did you do to your hair?" department. Rachel Bilson, star of CW's Hart of Dixie, showed up on set this morning missing one key item – her hair. When asked to comment, the previously brunette actress said that she was "strongly encouraged" to adopt a new look by a person representing "national security interests". Further inquiries were directed to executive producer Josh Schwartz. An assistant to Schwartz stated he was unavailable as he was "down at the bank, trying to arrange a four hundred million dollar loan".