"And the illegal cable."

Hello all. I'm here because a) I'm unemployed and B) I'm currently in love with the show 2 broke girls. While I think shipping is creepy and still rather odd (think about it some stranger is thinking of you in character with someone else…weird) I'm coming out of my fan fiction closet to try my hand at fan fiction again. I mean no harm to Kat and Beth and the amazing cast of the show. Just putting my spin on it. Constructive criticism is welcome because all fan fiction is not good fan fiction. This fiction picks up after 'And the upstairs neighbor.' So any episodes after this have nothing to do with this series. So suck it Johnny. Anyway these aren't my characters I'm just doing what every fans does manipulating the shit out of something until it becomes real in my strange and horrible-horrible mind. If you don't ship Maxoline, don't bother. Starts with some subtle action but will progress. Wait for the build if you get my drift, p.s. Also Google box…pps

-And the illegal cable-

[The scene opens with Han Lee sitting at the bar proudly staring at his new flat screen plasma T.V. Max walks from the back and stops in her tracks eyeing him from head to toe. Han is dressed in his typical fashion, slacks, sweater but he has a New York Giant's jersey over it. She stops in disbelief, and then shakes her head before walking over to the screen and waving her hand over the plasma TV.]

"What is this?" Max asked half amused.

Han smiles broadly and shifts to describe his new gadget. "Big screen T.V. for big game, nothing say welcome like football on cable American style!"

Max pauses and rolls her eyes a bit, slightly annoyed with Han. "No way Han! I already have to endure them coming in here chewing loudly and spilling stuff everywhere and now I have to deal with an extended stay! You see I'm used to dealing with customers the old fashion way. They come in, they eat and hopefully they leave without E-coli."

"Max this is very serious." Han says in his thick accent. "Customer stay he eat more food, we might be number 1! Number one team, number one diner!"

"Okay, but if one person does that Te-bowing crap in here." She pauses and begins to walk away before turning back to Han. "I'm going to tell Oleg to te-bag their food."

[Caroline walks into work to a packed diner. She looks around in brief shock but spots Max by the counter and hurriedly makes her way over. She waves before going to the back and putting her coat and bag away. She comes back out tying her apron strings around her waist.]

"Sorry I'm late…" Caroline says, her voice laced with sincerity.

"Funny that's exactly what my mother probably said to my father." Max says deadpan.

Caroline looks slightly confused by the comment and grabs a rag wiping at the counters in front of her.

"I had to go by the grocery store for more supplies and I lost track of the time. Some lady at the counter said she didn't have enough cash and went to her car…she said she would be right back…"

"And that's what my father said to my mother."

Caroline shakes off Max's comment again with a smirk and continues to speak.

"Then she came back in the store and started counting out change I know it's tough out there but c'mon. Anyway, I left the stuff at the counter to get here but…I could have just killed her!"

Max interjects with a quick laugh. "And those were my first words…awww." Max looks off with a faux nostalgic look on her face.

Caroline can no longer ignore the comments and shakes her head raising her eyebrow a bit. "Seriously, did you grow up in the Amityville house?"

Max shrugs with a grin suggesting that she probably was. "House…please it was more like the 'Amityville apartment complex'." Max says, grinning and panning her hand out with every word. "Nothing says scary like a one dollar move in special."

Caroline shakes her head and nudges Max's side with her elbow. "What's with all the people today?"

"I hate to be the obvious police but judging by the face paint, the dumb girls sitting in here pretending to like football to be the 'fun one' and our delirious boss Tebowing…"

Max jumps back in shock and disgust before placing a hand over her face in shame. "My god he's…he's Tebowing."

"Wait, doesn't that guy play for another team besides Max you have to get into it. I remember when my father and I would go to the games like it was yesterday. We'd have all our friends come into our box…"

Oleg suddenly pops out of his station with three plates of food. He sets them on the counter and leans over them on his elbows to speak with the girls. His Ukrainian drawl and unchanging facial expression locked on them. "A box? I too have come in a box."

Both of the girls turn to Oleg with unsettling expressions on their faces.

"I was referring to my sky box; we'd sit in it and have lunch while our dearest friends and family rallied on our favorite teams."

"I too have eaten a box while being rallied on by friends and family."

Max shakes her head with a strange expression on her face and grabs two of the plates. On her way over she maneuvers through the crowd almost making it over to her tables without a mishap but a rowdy fan with his stomach painted in New York's colors nearly knocks the food out of her hands. She reaches her destination and plops the plates down. She sighs in frustration before making her way over to Earl who is seated in his usual area. Max leans on his counter and shakes her head at the scene in the diner.

"Earl I can't take it anymore we are a diner. Not TGIF's." Her voice tips into a whiny pitch but recovers quickly. "I like this diner because its appearance reflects us as a business. We're old, dilapidated and generally of poor taste."

"Max you just described my last three girlfriends." Earl says, with a huge grin on his face.

Max smirks and squints her eyes at the customers in attendance.

"There must be something I can do to end this madness."

Earl grins then pulls out a pair of wire clippers. He snips at the air and hands them to Max who grins and swipes them before making it through the barrage of patrons. She sneaks off to the back and the game suddenly shuts off. The entire crowd is out-raged and Han Lee immediately dashes off to see where the problem could be.

"Hey guys Chile's has the game on right now!" The fat painted man shouts.

The crowd agrees with him raucously and all of the customers file out of the door as a distressed Han Lee returns.

"All customers' leave! Big game cut off!" He sits at the counter in a heap, pouting. "We not number 1…"

Max reappears and takes a deep breath enjoying the new calmer atmosphere. Oleg, Caroline, Earl and Han look in her direction as she seems quite pleased with the game being cut off.

"Well, I guess god hates football after all." She says grinning and blowing the wire cutters as if they were a smoking gun.

[The girls walk into their apartment and immediately start shedding their coats and bags. Caroline pulls down her bed and plops down onto it exhausted from the hard day, while Max goes straight to the kitchen to begin making cupcakes.]

Caroline begins to speak as she gingerly rubs her toes. "All this talk about cable and TV's makes me actually miss television."

Max scoffs slightly. "Cmon', I mean the thought of anyone sitting around a box, drooling at the mouth as the present day media corrupts you sucking what little you have left of your flaccid existence…"

"Wow. You need to get out more. I actually think T.V.'s okay…you know everything in moderation."

"Yeah tell that to Lindsay Lohan." Max says, quickly and straight.

Caroline slightly laughs and rises from the couch joining Max in the kitchen.

"T.V. has its good points, like where would I be without my reality shows!"

Max starts mixing up her ingredients and cuts her eyes up at Caroline.

"Let me guess…ummm…reality. T.V.'s no big deal, I have one." Max says, shrugging a little.

"You have a T.V.?" Caroline asks, her giddy expressions causing Max to roll her eyes slightly.

Max stops stirring her batter to casually sweep stray wisps of hair out of her face. "Yes I do, it's in my room under my bed. I put it there because it reminded me of my sex life. Dull and severely lacking."

Caroline smirks at Max's quip. She then goes into Max's room and soon comes out tugging the small dated television set with her. "Now all we need is some cable."

[Caroline looks at Max and it cuts to the two girls outside the building looking for the cable boxes in the apartment complex. Caroline is dressed in all black while Max simply has on her uniform and a coat.]

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Max says, shocked by her own willingness to be drug into another caper with Caroline.

"What's a T.V. without cable and a converter box, besides you always jump at a chance of criminal mischief."

"True. Why are you dressed in all black?"

"Seriously? Maybe because Caroline Channing daughter of ponzi scheming father turns to a life of crime to make ends meet sounds really good doesn't it." Caroline says, moving her arms in full fledged diva mode.

"Has a ring to it."

A loud noise is heard in the alley and Caroline jumps on Max's back frightened.

"Max, it's the Po-Po!"

Max shrugs her off and adjusts her coat looking at Caroline in disbelief. "Get a hold of yourself woman! We haven't even opened the box yet."

Max notices it's locked and pulls two bobby pins from her coat. She begins to pick the lock on the cable box as Caroline looks on.

"Somehow I always knew you were a seasoned criminal."

"If I'm seasoned do I taste like chicken?" Max says adorably.

Caroline gives a fake half smile at her funny little comment and looks around the alley. Max pops the lock and places the pins back in her pocket. "Man I thought it would never come to this…on my knees in an alley. Only I pay my pimp in illegal cable."

"Bitch better have my cable." Caroline says with her best pimp impersonation.

Max grins and rises up tweaking a few wires to get them connected. Another siren is heard in the distance and Caroline falls down to the ground in a panic. "The jig is up Max. We didn't mean to steal…IM WAY TOO PRETTY FOR JAIL!"

Max shakes her head at Caroline and hoists her up from the ground. "We CANNOT go to jail…" She exclaims trying to get Caroline to focus on how ridiculous she is acting.

"Why because we'd be first time offenders or in your case maybe eighth or ninth?"

"No because you'd look ridiculous in cornrows. It's all set and remind me to NEVER rob a bank with you." Max says and the two girls sneak off the scene and back into the apartment complex.

[Both the girls walk back into the apartment and Caroline plops down in her bed and turns on the T.V. She lays back and begins surfing the few basic cable shows they were able to pick up.]

"Aren't you going to watch?" Caroline says, patting the other side of her bed.

Max shakes her head no and starts finishing up her baking.

"Where did you learn to do that anyway?"

"Well I won't get into the details let's just say it involved me, a homeless man two times my age and a bottle of tequila." She grins a bit laughing at her own calamities. "It's easy all you really do is shift the tags, cable guy comes through he sees you have the tag and moves on."

"So how'd you get a tag?"

Max stops and thinks for awhile and speaks sarcastically. "I certainly didn't steal it from anyone because a person who steals cable certainly wouldn't steal the tags right?"

Caroline notes the sarcasm and as usual laughs it off. "Max thanks it really feels good to do something normal for a change. Hope I didn't put you too far out."

Max waves a nonchalant hand. "The lengths I go through to not here your incessant whining."

Caroline pretends to throw a pillow at her and chuckles. She then tucks the pillow behind her head as she relaxes in search for something to watch.

"Sure you don't want to join me Max?"

"No thanks I'm holding on to my flaccid existence. T.V.'s not my thing. Believe me I've had my share of television and then some…"

Max swings open the door to her bedroom and turns back to Caroline before making her exit.

Max: "I learned the facts of life…from THE FACTS OF LIFE."

[At the start of a new day Caroline is seen checking off their toiletries list.]

"Caroline don't forget were out of toilet paper, that newspaper just isn't cutting it anymore."

"It's cutting something." Caroline says, shifting her shorts a bit uncomfortably. Caroline grabs her bag and the list and heads for the door.

"Anything else?"

"Nope I'm good."

"Okay I'll be back soon so we can stop using the obituaries…just doesn't seem right."

[Caroline gives a slight wave and exits while Max busies herself in the apartment. No matter how she maneuvers her eyes keep catching the TV. She shakes it off trying to ignore it but walks over to the couch taking a seat and pokes at the remote as if it were a dead body. She taps at it again and it turns on. She jumps behind the couch as if a grenade is about to explode and covers her ears. After a little bit she peeks over the couch and rises to her feet. A vintage cartoon is on and she can't help but take a seat on the couch. Time elapses and Max is seen sitting on the couch watching Free Willy and bawling.]

"Jump Willy you fat bastard!" She says, tears streaming down her face and chin.

[She blows her nose on a piece of newspaper given their current toilet paper crisis and realizes how harsh the paper was. She seems to have lost track of the time and Caroline burst through the door with a bag in hand. She laughs having busted Max not only watching TV but crying on Free Willy?]


"What?" Max says tossing the soiled newspaper to the side. "I was just reading the paper when my tear ducts exploded from this awful movie."

She sniffles a bit annoyed by Caroline's presence at the moment. "How did you get back so fast?"

"Max I've been gone for two hours but I guess time fly's when you're egging Willy to jump huh?"

Max peers at her. "This T.V. is possessed it lured me in with cartoons and revived my tiny-tiny heart via whale sorrow."

Caroline places the bag on the floor and walks over to her grinning. "Can I watch?"

"If I had a nickel every time I've heard that…"

Caroline plops down on the couch beside her and Max scoots over to a comfortable distance. "TV's not so bad Max if it's compelling it can reach us in places we never thought it could."

Max groans at the sentiment and folds her arms across her chest. "I don't hate T.V. it's just this was my parent. And just like my 'real' parents I've built up a heavy dosage of resentment. This thing was all I had practically, it woke me up in the morning; it put me to bed at night. It raised me! And watching it sometimes takes me back to that place you know? When I was just a little girl in a huge world clinging to this box for guidance. It just sucks to have that on your mind whenever it's on besides…I've never had anyone sit beside me and just watch. Every memory I have with T.V. in it is always one where I'm alone."

Max looks off to the side disturbed by her own emotional state and Caroline places a hand over hers. "All but this one."

They both look at each other and Max grins a bit before pawing at the air between them. "It's cool just warn me when soft touching is on the way. Like you have to book that months in advance."

Caroline laughs and focuses on the T.V. before snatching the remote from Max who doesn't protest. Max looks from left to right, sighs and slides over to Caroline. She places her head on Caroline's shoulder and the two begin to surf the channels for something good to watch.

Total – 665.00$

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