This is a oneshot from 'Take Off Your Colours', my fic that is running at the moment, though you don't really need to have read that to understand this. If you need a backstory: Blaine and Rachel are siblings, Kurt is McKinley's bad boy that new transfer Blaine has taken a shine to, and Rachel is trying to convince Blaine not to go for him. Hope that explains it!
Enjoy, and please review! Thank you :)
50 Reasons Why You Can't Date Kurt Hummel
Kurt sat down, pulling the book into his lap. He'd been dying with curiosity over the contents ever since he'd first discovered it in Blaine's room and since his boyfriend was doing vocal warm-ups with Rachel for their performance in next week's Glee club, this was the perfect opportunity. He flipped it open, snorting when he read the first reason.
1) You're a virgin and he's a slut.
Predictable, Kurt thought, rolling his eyes, though he had to admit that Rachel's drawings of a condom and bottle of lube were hilarious.
2) You are a delicate person, Blaine, in need of love and care. He is full of anger and sexual tension.
Kurt actually laughed allowed at this one. There was no way that Blaine was delicate. Sexy, sometimes sensitive and occasionally a complete sap, he could allow those descriptions of his boyfriend. But delicate? No way.
3) He dresses like a member of a pre-pubescent boyband.
Kurt snorted with laughed. He had to admit, Rachel had a point.
4) He's Finn's brother, and a messy break up between the two of you could foreshadow mine and Finn's imminent relationship, though it hasn't actually happened yet.
5) He will never want children, and therefore you will never carry on the Anderson-Berry name.
He flushed at this one. A few months ago, he would have wholeheartedly agreed with Rachel, but things had changed. He had changed.
6) He is not a vegan. I am aware that you are not a vegan either, but from him I find it far more offensive.
7) He smells like an overflowing ashtray.
Kurt plucked at the hem of his jumper, smelling it. He knew he'd given up smoking a long time ago, but what if Rachel was right? He breathed a sigh of relief when the only smell he was met with was fabric softener.
8) PEER PRESSURE IS ON THE UP. Before you know it, you'll be snorting cocaine in a dark alleyway.
9) He's gone with more guys than I can possible name, and one of my many talents is an impeccable memory.
"Only 32, Rachel," Kurt amended, rolling his eyes.
10) He speaks like he's had gravel rammed down his throat which, for all we know, could be one of his kinks. I find this very disturbing and I won't allow you to take part in this.
11) He's probably not even that good in bed.
Kurt scoffed at this; that was such bullshit and Blaine knew that perfectly well. Although he wouldn't object to further proving this fact to his boyfriend.
12) Being an Anderson-Berry, you have incomparable genes. Adding Kurt Hummel to the mix would mess up a carefully sorted mesh of chromosomes that makes us so talented. Do you want to risk the talent of your future child, Blaine, do you?
13) I will NOT be your surrogate. I refuse to have his sperm inside me.
Kurt cringed at the mere thought of having sexual relations of any kind with Rachel, though he chuckled at her primitive sperm illustrations.
14) He's not even that attractive if you really look at him.
He frowned. Was this true? He never prided himself particularly on his looks; he knew perfectly well that he wasn't the most attractive guy in the world. Previously, Kurt had hidden behind his bad boy exterior and hoped that someone might peek through into the person that he really was. He shrugged. As long as Blaine had no complaints, he wasn't complaining either.
15) He's friends with Dave Karofsky. I don't think I need to expand on this any further, I think my point is made.
16) He's also friends with Santana Lopez, who, as a hobby, shoots down my ideas in Glee club. I don't want her to further infiltrate herself into destroying my dreams.
17) Furthermore, he is also friendly with Noah Puckerman, with whom I had a brief – yet passionate – affair. I've often seen him lusting after me with memories of our brief time together and I'd hate to encourage him further or he may never move on.
Kurt threw his head back and laughed at this one. Sure, Puck looked back on his time with Rachel, but it was with horror and regret. Kurt didn't predict a romantic reunion between the two of them any time soon.
18) His parents are deceased. He may have emotional ties to impose on you and I can't have an emo brother. I just can't deal with that.
A frown creased his features once more. How could Rachel be so insensitive? He knew she was harmless, but sometimes she forgot what she was saying and genuinely offended people.
19) He probably has an STD. Multiple STDs.
20) For a date, he would probably take you to a strip club. Enough said.
Kurt snorted. He definitely was a lot more classy than that.
21) If you become a gay prostitute because you're following his lifestyle, I will disown you and then where will you be?
22) If you marry him, I refuse to sing at your wedding. And if I don't sing, it won't be much of a wedding.
23) Remember that stray dog you 'adopted' when we were 8 and it gave you fleas? In this situation, he is the dog, Blaine.
Kurt clutched his heart in mock-offence. How could Rachel say such a thing?
24) He's failing every single subject known to man. He will never be able to support you in a manner to which the Anderson-Berries should be treated.
25) Remember at your old school, you were showered with pee balloons on a daily basis? He is the kind of guy who would throw pee balloons at you, Blaine. It could be another of his kinks.
Kurt scrunched up his nose in disgust. He certainly did not have those kinds of fetishes.
26) He's taller than you. You will never be considered the man in the relationship.
27) His hair. That is a reason in its own right. He looks like he lives in a wind tunnel permanently.
He subconsciously raked a hand through his hair, trying to tame it.
28) I'm fairly sure he's lived on the streets at some point. I will not let you live in a cardboard box, Blaine, no matter how romantic you think it is.
29) You like romance. You are horrible at it, but I know how you lusted over When Harry Met Sally. Kurt will never be the Billy Crystal to your Meg Ryan.
Kurt paused. He had no idea that Blaine liked When Harry Met Sally, or had even seen it. It had been his mother's favourite film and subsequently, it was now his. He mentally put watching it with Blaine on his to-do list.
30) I doubt he's ever even seen a Disney film.
Kurt scoffed. Was Rachel joking? He'd watched The Lion King about a billion times as a child. He wasn't born straight into a leather jacket and bad attitude.
31) From what I've heard from Finn, Kurt is moody. You are constantly happy. I don't think it's possible for you to dip below the line of mediocre. I see a huge personality clash coming.
32) He is an Atheist and our Jewish ancestors would be rolling over in their graves to know that you were seeing such a boy.
33) If you want a bad boy, I could get you a bad boy. I'll even go down to the young offenders institute and pick you out one myself. Just not him.
Kurt snorted, instantly conjuring up Rachel plucking Puck from the young offenders institute for Blaine. He shuddered. There was no way he was letting that happen.
34) What would our fathers' say? They would be hugely disappointed that this is who you have chosen to be with. I thought they raised you better than that.
35) In our run-throughs of West Side Story as children, your performances of One Hand, One Heart were heartfelt and meaningful. Kurt would never appreciate the true depths of your romantic needs.
36) You want your first time to be sensitive and full of meaning. Kurt will probably try and seduce you in a dark alleyway when you're heavily intoxicated. That is not romantic and there is no way that I'm telling your grandchildren that story.
Kurt's mind flew back to the moment of perfection that had been their first time. He flushed as the memories flooded through his head. Despite Rachel's better judgement, their first time had been wonderful. He paused for a moment to reflect, easily able to remember Blaine's hot breath on his neck. He shivered and turned back to the book. Later, he thought, he could think about that later.
37) I understand how painfully having unreciprocated feelings can be. Being half-with, half-without Finn, I know what you're going through. But things will NOT get easier. Quit while you're ahead.
38) He smokes like a chimney. You will be passively smoking and potentially risking your life. The best sex in the world isn't worth that.
Kurt snorted. He begged to differ.
39) I will admit that being unrequitedly in love with someone will add further emotional depth to your vocals performances, but Kurt Hummel is not the one to practise this with.
40) He practically lives in Scandals. Do you know how dangerous that place is? You'd be torn to shreds before you even stepped in the door.
41) He drives a motorbike. How outdated is that?
He considered this. He loved his motorbike. Sure, Blaine had tried to stop him from riding it numerous times, but he rarely complied.
42) Once upon a time, I was told that he had talent. What if he's better than you, Blaine? Or worse, what if he's better than me? I refuse to be outshone, though I'm not entirely sure that that's possible.
43) He used to be a cheerleader. How cliché do you want to be, Blaine?
44) I thought you were planning to stay under the radar. You are planning on dating the most controversial guy in the whole of Lima. What are you thinking?
Kurt smiled. He and Rachel were more alike than he'd first imagined.
45) Once he's gotten into your pants, he'll ditch you like a hot rock. I refuse to pick up the pieces, Blaine; I think you've had fair warning.
Again, a few months ago, this would be have been entirely accurate. But Blaine had changed him, for the better.
46) In case I haven't already put my point across, I really, really dislike him.
47) Like, a lot.
48) Your high school years are crucial. They set you up for later life. You do not want to spend your prime time lusting after the school bad boy. Furthermore, you look disgusting when you drool, which you seem to do a lot when you're around him.
49) The fact that I've spent a good hour of my time writing this rather than nursing my budding talent shows you how important this is.
50) For a straight-A student, you're being decidedly dense about this. The facts are simple: Do not go anywhere near Kurt Hummel. I officially forbid you.
Kurt laughed aloud. Well, that hadn't gone particularly well. He should probably be offended, but he allowed himself to just laugh.
What else had he expected from Rachel?
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