Happy Enough

Rory~

I'm a horrible child. I know this without a doubt. I missed my mother's graduation for what? To spend time with Jess in a record store? And then what does she tell me? She tells me I like him. I have a boyfriend doesn't she see that? And doesn't she see how wrong he is for me? He's worse than Tristan, okay that's a lie, but I could resist Tristan. Okay I could resist Tristan even though I checked him out at least twenty times during each class and had day dreams that could make my mother blush, oh and the night ones….

AHHH focus Rory, focus on what a bad daughter you are, focus on what the hell is wrong with you. Focus on why it is you've suddenly had enough to take a break from your seemingly perfect existence. Is it because you've finally had enough? You've seen too much of life pass you by, to not stop and do something insane, something not perfect. It wasn't so bad was it? It wasn't as if you chased after Tristan who liked every girl in school. No it was just Jess and he wanted only you.

He wasn't a player, he wasn't a charmer, no he was a compromise between what you should have and what you wanted…..

AH again, why does Tristan always come into this? You don't want Tristan, you don't want Tristan, you don't want to call every military school in the country until you find him. No bad Rory, bad.

Gee Jess really isn't looking so bad at the moment. So what if he doesn't have the dirty blonde hair, or those eyes that you could lose yourself in for days or the ability to turn you into a sappy greeting card about love. You don't want that. Who wants that? I mean yea everyone always says that they do. But don't they really want control over their lives more?

No this is the perfect compromise as ridiculous as it sounds. He's enough of what you shouldn't have to make you happy, sure not insanely blissfully happy, but you could talk about books instead of reading them on your date.

God this is ridiculous. You have Dean, wonderful, perfect Dean. Remember the thrill he gave you at the beginning before you ever started Chilton?

Remember how that all changed when you couldn't deny that something was wrong until he wanted you to say those three little words? But you did it Rory, you were strong once, you overcame your desire to run away and said those words. You fought all of your feelings because you knew they were wrong and you did what was right.

Well right according to your brain at least, it's funny how your heart it still trying to destroy it. It kind of makes you wonder if Jess is the real reason behind this and not just a means to an end, an acceptable end. Not leaving your boyfriend for a player, a heartless bastard of a guy. So what if when he talked, he talked as if you were the only girl in the school. He was a player, that's what they did. When his eyes locked with yours, it was just another ploy. The getting angry and jealous over Dean, that was just because you had rejected him and he couldn't stand that.

So what if you were the only person you spoke to before he got shipped away, would you really want to talk to Summer or something like that? The dreams about him, were all his fault, he was a player, he was damn good at making girls fall for him and that's what you did, you couldn't resist him charms, it was humanly impossible to.

It's his fault that you aren't happy with Dean, that you're doing everything in your power to destroy your relationship with him, even though you're telling yourself you're not. It's his fault you cry sometimes at night and find him popping up in your thoughts at the most random times. This is all his fault, the fighting with your mother, the allowing Jess to drive your car, the following him to NY on your mother's graduation day. This is all his fault. But you'll show him, you have to Rory, he'll eventually come back and he'll see you leading your perfect life and he'll never know he effected you, he'll never know…just like you'll never know what in means to be truly happy, only happy enough.