Thanks for any and all who have read. And if you haven't grrrrrrr. Seriously I'm trying this again because well I have nothing else to do. Once again I'm no Whitney Cummings…seriously I'm black and could literally eat her, but I love her work. I know MPK has a lot to do with the show but only Whitney could hit those jokes like that I'm sure of it. Whitney if you ever see this I just dumped Chelsea Handler for you…in my mind….Enjoy! None of these characters are mine! (if they were it wouldn't be subtext) Oh I'm not sure of where the Wall Street movement is or how the locations work but its fanfic so…yeah…suck it.
-And the Occupy Wall Street movement-
Max sits outside in the area Chestnut used to be in. She has a throw around her pajamas which is just a very long, very old 'Macho Man-Randy Savage' t-shirt. She peeks in through the window at Caroline then grins to see the blonde heavy into her sleep. She looks around furtively then pulls out a small joint and a lighter. She flicks her bic and takes a long drag, holding it in for a second then exhaling slowly. As she does a goofy, calm look covers her face.
"And when I'm feeling low, she comes as no surprise.…" Max says grinning, singing Rick James's 'Mary Jane' to herself. Her buzz already kicking in she leans back fully relaxed in the very vintage lawn chair she has set up. She smokes a little more than exhales it through her nostrils now officially jamming to her own internal radio.
"Turns me on with her love, takes me to paradise." As she sings the last note she's in full Mariah Carey mode. Her joint free hand is going high and low as if she really singing her heart out. She laughs out loud but quickly covers her mouth to stifle it. She goes back to her smoking session when abrupt contact to her shoulder causes her to nearly jump out of her skin.
"Sweet-baby-jesus…" She manages to expel rapidly but turns only to see a smiling Caroline, half asleep in a grey baby-t and matching short-shorts.
"Whatcha' doing?" Caroline says knowingly, already taking a seat on the ground beside Max's chair. Her long legs folded Indian style.
"I was enjoying Maxora before you came out here and nearly gave me a coronary." Max says, dumping the ash from her joint and then taking another drag.
"What the heck is Maxora?"
"Maxora is like Pandora only it has a way cooler name and it doesn't make you listen to all those other god awful bands in between the only band you really want to listen to and…" She exhales the smoke and grins at Caroline. "…it's privately owned stock."
Caroline bats at her and reaches for the joint. Max jerks away. "Oh no you've already used up all your skips on Maxora."
"Max! Sharing is caring."
"No sharing is for dumbasses. Think of me as the leader of the selfish generation."
"Okay if you're the leader of the selfish generation then think of me as the 'occupy black street'." Caroline says, making a wisecrack using Max's last name.
"Okay why are you quoting a racist."
Caroline nudges her foot playfully and finally gets Max to let her hit the joint. After a few puffs she passes it back and rises up from the ground.
"Alright I'm exhausted as it is and I'm ready for bed going to grab some poor people chips and go to bed."
"Caroline we are out of chips." She says putting out the joint on the ground beside her. "We'll have to pick some up tomorrow ok."
Caroline rubs her stomach and yawns. "Darn that would have hit the spot, oh well night."
"Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Seriously don't let the bed bugs bite they carry diseases in low income areas."
Caroline stops and chuckles shaking her head at Max then goes off to bed. A few minutes pass and Max once again looks around before reaching under her throw and pulling out her 'poor people chips'. She starts munching on them and grins.
"Yep sharing is for dumbasses." Max says, enjoying one of her chips.
[The next day….]
Max walks into peaches house and closes the door while Peach sits at her table getting her hair and makeup done. Max walks up to the babies and plays with Brad's tummy until he giggles a bit. She hoists up Angelina and nuzzles the side of her neck and the baby coos playfully.
"Oh no Max we can't have you picking up Angelina we don't need you getting a herniated disc, now do we?"
Max looks at her shocked at her insults toward her child. "She's fine Peach, aren't you? Aren't you?" Max says causing the child to giggle again.
"Max you say that now but she had like three bottles yesterday, I think she's binge eating." Peach chimes in, with her slow spun speech.
"That's called hunger Peach."
"It's called my little starlet may be a little piglet instead."
Max simply has no words for the lady and opts to simply change the subject.
"So what are you off to do today? Let me guess something frivolous that involves spending more money than I earn in a year?"
"Exactly. Me and my husband are going to a new restaurant. You go inside and you eat dinner in the dark. Its pitch black and all you can do is eat what's in front of you, no orders you just have to do it."
"Sounds more like bondage to me." She says slightly tossing her brunette hair over her shoulder.
"Max there's something else." She says, dramatically shooing her handlers away. They shrink out of her sight like minions and she motions for Max to come closer.
"Something about occupying walls is threatening to hit our area."
"Occupying walls….you mean 'Occupy wall street."
"Yes Max." She says with all the distress of a 50's actress. "The other day when my husband and I were having lunch they came at us all feral and hairy. It was like a sea of poverty and old navy clothing. I could literally smell payless specials and minimum wage, I nearly passed out."
"That is something…" Max says, honestly amazed by her cluelessness.
"There were so many yelling about money and equality. I mean if I were in their shoes…heaven forbid because most of them looked like they were from shoe carnival…if I were the p word. I wouldn't be running around spoiling the fun for everyone. I would quietly and secretly admire them for having the courage to stand beside they're wealth. That is before I took myself out to pasture and blew my brains out."
"Peach, you cease to amaze me with your endless pearls of wisdom." Max says sarcastically going back to the children.
"Oh and Max while I'm gone if you plan on taking the kids out or having them meet with anyone put on Angelina's spanx first."
"You put her in spanx?"
"Max your children are a reflection of you…and I surely don't want people to think I'm some overweight, drooling slob do I?"
Max stands in disbelief as Peach grabs her bags and exits the apartment. Max picks up Angelina and rocks her gently.
"One of these days you're going to grow up and you and I are going to talk about what a bitch your mom is. She's a bitch huh'. She's a wittle bitch-bitch." Max says in a mock baby voice causing the child to burst into adorable little giggles.
[Later that day…]
Caroline checks the time again before Max finally appears in Chestnut's stable. She completely ignores Caroline and goes straight for the horse nuzzling him while Caroline stands with a smirk on her face.
"Oh hey Max, just standing over here being human and all."
Max draws in breath sharply. "You're human? I'm sorry I thought a Vera Wang mannequin came to life and decided to visit Chestnut."
"Ha, Ha Max. Joke all you want but you're late you know we only get to visit occasionally."
Max covers Chestnut's ears. "I will not have this discussion in front of our child." Caroline laughs and Max rummages through her bags and pulls out some carrots. "Besides I'm going to do what any decent, moral and upstanding parent does, buy his affections."
"Oh yeah." Caroline says grabbing some of the carrots to feed Chestnut as well. "You're also teaching him terrible eating habits. He's going to start filling the void in his life with carrots. Poor thing's legs might buckle under his own carrot bloated body….crushed under the pressures of being thin and perfect."
Max looks at her with a bizarre look on her face. "Okay…were still talking about Chestnut here."
"Yes…" Caroline says, running her hand through her flowing blonde hair. "No. Just thinking back on my child hood. I was a little chubby and I remember catching a lot of flak for that. All the kids would tease me."
"What is it with rich people and being fat? Where I grew up fat people walked the streets with pride…it was a symbol that they had enough money to eat every night." Max said, delivering the last line with a smirk.
"Max, there's a lot of pressure in having a status and bigger people have it harder in life in general." Carline says with sincerity.
"I think fat people have a rotten stereotype around them. In fact, if they don't have to cut a hole out of my wall to remove my corpse from my home…I didn't complete my bucket list."
Caroline shakes her head and chuckles, feeding Chestnut a few carrots. Max pets his nose and turns to Caroline.
"She was going off about her babies weight which was annoying the hell out of me on top of telling me this story about her run in with the 'occupy wall street people' …I call it 'hipsters on ice'."
"What about it?"
"Oh she was scared and they were bothering her and she still has new clue why as she spends the evening eating in the dark while most people are eating in the dark because they couldn't pay their light bills."
"Oh she went to that place, the food there is -" Max gives her a un-amused look and she quickly recovers. "I mean yeah…can you believe her…I can't…wasting money in time like these."
Caroline almost jumps though the roof when she's hit with an idea. She turns to Max and Max is already on to her.
"Before you even speak if this is about some half baked scheme to peddle cupcakes I want no parts of it."
Caroline grabs her carrot free hand begins to speak earnestly. "Max think of all those people out there who would break the bank trying to get a cupcake from a small business."
"No Caroline. You want me to exploit the beliefs of other people for a profit. Who am I Jay-Z?" Max says shocked at Caroline's shrewdness.
"This is not exploitation this is expanding. We go down there stick it to the man but we bring along a tasty batch of cupcakes and give a percentage to the cause." Caroline says, letting go of Max's hand to feed Chestnut another carrot.
"Fine but we only do it once…for profit." Max says, giving Chestnut the last of the carrots.
"Good. But from the way you sound you plan on selling more than cupcakes out there." Caroline says, gathering her things to leave. "Bye Chestnut mommy will be back." She gives him a light kiss and exits while Max gives him a hug of her own.
"Bye Chestnut." She says in her voice, and then she switches to the one she's assigned to Chestnut. "Tell the blonde broad to bring her own carrots next time." She changes back to her regular voice. "I will Chestnut."
She gives the horse a quick nuzzle then heads out of the stable.
A large crowd is assembled on a grassy little plot and Max and Caroline arrive with their cupcakes. They set the boxes on an empty table and Caroline pulls out a homemade sign advertising the cupcakes. Max of course has a look on her face of indifference and scans the area.
"You sure this is the spot of the 'movement' because it looks like a grey area for sex offenders to live in."
"Max, could you smile please and lighten up. Were two attractive girls we should have these cupcakes sold in no time."
Max scoffs and forces a smile. Caroline looks over at her fake smile and grimaces.
"Max I said smile, not look like you've had more Botox than Bruce Jenner. "
Max turns down the smile. "Get your cupcakes! Fresh, tasty cupcakes! Get your cupcakes over here." Max begins to shout, in a ballpark hotdog vendor voice. Caroline taps her on the shoulder and she stops and goes back to the awful smile she had pasted on her face. After a few minutes Max begins to shout again, pointing at random strangers.
"One dollar bid-now-two-now-two-will-ya'-give-me-two-two-dollar-bid-now-three-now-three-will-ya' give-me-three?" She says superfast, in a heavy southern accent.
"Max what are you doing?"
"What, I saw this in storage wars from the auctioneer guy!"
"Max look around you."
She stops and takes a minute and a small group of people are just staring at her. She waves and looks away awkwardly as Caroline holds her face in her palm.
"How did we manage to become outsiders at an event designed for outsiders?"
"Oh no, now the other make-shift booths will never ask our make-shift booth to the prom!" Max says, feigning distress.
A guy walks up to the girls dressed in skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. He has on black rimmed glasses and a fedora.
"Sold to Jason Mraz." Max says, howling with laughter afterwards. The man walks away in a huff before even attempting to purchase a cupcake.
"What the hell was that? You scared the customer off." Caroline says, her words laced with irritation.
"You took me to this little mockery of a protest so deal with the consequences."
"How about this then, if you try not to insult anyone until after we've sold the last cupcake I promise I will give you a public forum to insult the masses. Think of it as a bulk discount." Caroline says, as if she was bargaining with a stubborn child.
"Finally a reason to join Sam's club." Max says, putting up two fingers akin to the Boy Scout oath signal. "Okay I'll let you do the talking…for now." She adds, elevating her left eyebrow slightly.
As time goes by Caroline has managed to sale off some of the cupcakes but a good portion still remains.
"Max our cupcakes are just not moving like they should be." She turns to see Max nodding off on her feet. She gives her a tiny shove and she wakes up instantly.
"Yes, the Kool-Aid man did it and I hope he burns in hell!" She blinks deliriously then awakens fully to Caroline's baffled face.
"What were you dreaming about?"
"A time to spill." Max says her mouth curved with laughter. Caroline sighs and shows her the remaining supply of cupcakes.
"We've got to get these sold or we lose profit today."
"What can we do to get a bunch of hipsters to eat…" Max places two fingers in her mouth and whistles loudly. She waves and shouts until she's got some attention. She points to the cupcakes and shouts. "GLUTTON FREE CUPCAKES!"
A rush of people quickly make their way over and in a manner of minutes the cupcakes have all sold out. Max dusts her hands off suggesting she did all the work and then gently shoves Caroline out of the way. Caroline gathers the money and takes off her heels prepared to flee because Max had the floor.
"Now that I have your attention. This is not the 1967 Pentagon March or anything like that. Nothing I've seen today justifies the current level of the-whole-world-is-watching media coverage. The idea of Occupy Wall Street is so much larger than the actual reality of this place your all in. I want to see real government reform so being in The New York Times doesn't mean shit to me. Create some real trouble instead of banging on bongos. Start some civil unrest we need to see some of you people getting pepper sprayed and drug down the street. After all, when you are trying to create a mass movement, it is way better to be martyrs than ignored."
She pauses to see if any of this is sinking in and continues to slack jaws and shocked faces.
"The fact that all of you look like unwashed, shiftless hippies is feeding the media and the 'right'. You guys are starting to be called the left's version of the tea-party." She covers her mouth as if it's a secret but shouts her last line. "That isn't good no matter how you spin it."
She clasps her hands together and has garnered a lot more attention by the time she brings her speech to a close. "In conclusion people, get out and vote for your local officials. They hold your true motivations. Keep an eye on what lobbyists own them and whose feeding the financial side of their campaign. I commend you for your work thus far but my opinion is this. You are battling soul crushing giants who would kill and feed off of their own young to stay wealthy fat cats. Waiving a sign and badgering them on their way to work isn't going to cut it. I suggest you all do what I do, which is accept the fact that you all got handed the short end of the stick and then you will die. But fear not because you may be reincarnated into a celebrity baby. Find strength in that you may have missed the boat on Beyonce but there's a million other holly-weird broads that are just aching to get knocked up."
Caroline swallows deeply then grabs Max's arm. "Max…"
Max continues to take bows and smile doing beauty pageant waves while the crowd inches towards them slowly.
"What Caroline that was the freaking Gettysburg address of Occupy wall street!"
She continues to wave but the crowd moves closer and Caroline tugs her arm.
She tugs Max into a sprint and they take off fleeing the movement with angry protestors on their heels.
"You just had to go insult the entire cause didn't you?" Caroline says as they walk down the street safely away from the protestors.
"Man I think I've found a new calling in life-rabble rousing." Max says walking next to Caroline on the sidewalk.
Caroline halts her by grabbing a hold of her shoulder and leaning on her to put on her heels again.
"Well the next time you decide to start civil unrest please tell me so I can wear proper 'escape wall street' attire."
"We were going to sale cupcakes not rip the runway Tyra banks."
"The insult I can accept…your clearly outdated reference to 'in' models I cannot." Caroline says with a flick of her blonde locks.
"Man the major burn is that those cupcakes weren't gluten free so they can suck it, probably why they got so winded and couldn't catch us."
"I have to admit Max that was pretty impressive back there well up until you started talking about being reincarnated into a celebrity baby…I think you lost them there." Caroline says, threading her arm into Max's. Max of course is startled by the sudden human contact but with all things Caroline she lets it ride.
"Well at least they didn't recognize you then they would have killed us and buried our remains underneath their many and various beanies."
They both share a laugh and continue to walk arm and arm down the street, soaking in the quiet hustle of the night.
"Max, we made 150$ tonight our stock in this town is moving up."
"Yeah pretty soon we'll have enough to build a corporation and squash those puny mortals." Max says, in a Darth Vader style voice.
"Wait did you hear that?"
The murmurof a crowd begins to surface and the girls duck into a tight alleyway to avoid being seen. Face to face in the small confines of the alley, their eyes meet.
"Anyone of you's got a dollar?" A raspy voice cuts through the darkness and Max and Caroline jump. Caroline tosses the man a bill and the two make a hasty exit after the crowd passes.
"That was close…" Max says, shaken by the moment in the alley a lot more than the protestors almost finding them.
They continue to walk and Caroline goes back over the money to downplay the awkwardness.
"Wait something's off I thought I gave him a dollar…I've only have 130$ here."
"Must've given him a twenty."
"Well I did say we'd give back to the movement right." Caroline says, still flustered from the alley.
"Yeah I'd rather him have it even though he'll probably blow it on booze and drugs." Max says looking over her shoulder back at the alley.
Caroline begins to sniff the air as an unpleasant smell keeps wafting towards her nose. She looks down and points to Max's shoe her eyes wide open.
"Max…I think he made a movement of his own back in that alley and it's all over the bottom of your shoe."
Max looks down at her shoe and rips it off completely grossed out by the crap on her boot.
Caroline is laughing hysterically at this point completely amused by the entire situation.
"Oh its funny is it." She says, squinting her eyes at Caroline.
Max points the shoe at Caroline who dodges it repeatedly, telling her to stop. She begins to chase Caroline down the sidewalk with the poop shoe while Caroline runs for dear life.
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