Amazing Magical Girl Ruby MoonStrikes Back
The 2nd Amazing Magical Girl Ruby Moon Fic
By CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
Disclaimer: Dis' claimer, dat' claimer. What's the difference? (Gomen. That was really bad.)
Throughout the history stories have been told of epic battles against the forces of evil. Where magical heroines face the grand leaders of the dark side in elaborate battles, usually with music.
This isn't one of those battles.
This is just Nakuru beating up an annoying Mary Sue.
Actually, that's pretty close.
It all started out as a typical day in Tomoeda. That, of course, meant that doom and destruction were eminent. Once you learn the secrets of the universe (or at least the fictional ones) you quickly learn that there is no such thing as a typical day. But we've already talked about this, haven't we?
Tomoeda, being located in Japan, of course had it's own magical girl. That girl is Sakura Kinomoto, the mistress of the Clow cards. As is required of all magical heroines she had guardians, in the form of Kero and Yue, a romantic interest/hero known as Syaoran Li, a best friend with no powers named Tomoyo Daidouji and an annoying sibling in the form of the tall lanky older brother known as Touya Kinomoto.
You see how it works.
Nakuru Akizuki was not a typical magical heroine. She didn't have a guardian or an unusual best friend or an annoying sibling. She did have a romantic interest in the form of the aforementioned Touya Kinomoto, but it was not entirely legitimate in the sense that most of the time Touya was trying to pry Nakuru off of him.
Also there was the fact that Nakuru was not a girl or any other gender for that matter. Spinel Sun had once joked that if Nakuru wanted to reproduce she would have to divide into two. Nakuru responded by threatening to perform such an operation on Spinel using a meat cleaver, so he quickly shut up about it.
In order to settle this once and for all, Eriol had decided to test Ruby Moon's magical skills against a low level shadow demon/monster-type thing. Indeed Ruby moon did prevail in this task, which would have been more impressive had the monster she'd been fighting not been a total wuss. This monster could have died tripping over it's own feet.
But try telling her that.
Shortly after, she took to the most important task she would need as an aspiring magical heroine fighting the forces of evil.
She started looking for a new costume.
Tomoyo Daidouji paced around Nakuru carefully, occasionally lowering her sunglasses to take a better look at her. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully before continuing.
Meanwhile, Tomoyo's assistants, Sakura and Syaoran dressed in matching black suits, were taking notes of Nakuru's measurements. Actually, Sakura was taking the measurements and Syaoran was writing them down as he found the idea of actually taking Nakuru's measurements kind of, well, creepy.
"Any ideas?" Nakuru inquired.
Tomoyo paused for a moment. "Well, you're definitely a tricky case," she said. "The big problem is your figure."
"What's wrong with my figure?" Nakuru asked.
"You don't have one," Spinel Sun said in an unusually cheerful tone from his spot on the couch.
Nakuru quickly signaled for silence from the small black plushie-like guardian in the form of grabbing a handy nearby book and chucking it at Spinel's head.
Tomoyo sighed before continuing. "The fact is that you're missing certain… features… that girls have. It's kind of hard to make you sexy or mysterious or whatever without them."
Syaoran's face turned somewhat sour at this sudden change of topic. He didn't like the idea of discussing Nakuru's intimate physical attributes.
Nakuru put her hands on her hips and gave an indignant sniff. "It's not like I asked to be this way, you know," she said. "Believe me, it would be a lot easier if I could honestly say that I was one thing or another but I can't."
Tomoyo shrugged. "Can't you just get Eriol to give you a gender. I mean, even if it's just in one form."
Nakuru gave another sniff. "Four-eyes? Pffft… That dork thinks the whole thing is very amusing."
"He's not the only one," said Spinel. A moment later he was ducking another book.
Nakuru let out a sigh. "Well… I suppose I could ask him…"
"Well, I'll keep your current measurements for now," said Tomoyo. "But let us know if it works out. In the meantime, I think I'm going to need to order some padding." She clapped her hands twice quickly. "Come along, people. Chop-chop! Time is money!" she said as she strode toward the front door. Sakura and Syaoran rolled their eyes wondering about young Miss Daidouji before following her out.
Meanwhile, the skies darkened over the airport as the plane approached. Aboard it was a shadowed figure, which was quite a trick considering how well-lit the plane was. The figure smiled to herself and began to chuckle for no apparent reason. The other passengers stared at her and several changed seats just so they could be further away from her. This figure was a force that would wreak terrible evil upon all in Tomoeda or at least annoy the hell out of a lot of people. She was part of a small but powerful race.
She was omnipotent.
She was god-like.
She was perfect in every way.
That's right. She was an obnoxious Mary Sue.
For those not familiar with the race that strikes fear into the hearts of mortals, the author shall now give a somewhat Tolkien-esque explanation for their existence. Back in the earliest days, when fanfiction was written and distributed through the mail because the internet didn't exist yet, one author unwittingly turned his omnipotent writing powers to the dark side and created the greatest evil that writers would ever know: The Mary Sue. The Mary Sues are a race that look like blonde, blued eyed human females but contain god-like qualities that no mere human or anime character can hope to overcome so long as they have an author to draw power from. They would survive using the most impossible coincidences and contrivances of all logic to their advantage to survive and conquer all. They shattered the laws of physics, destroyed the laws of any given series and caused even the strongest of canon relationships to crumble. (It's a known fact that Mary Sues secrete a hormonal musk that makes them completely irresistible to members of the opposite gender, most members of their own as well as members of completely different species. One Mary Sue was once attacked in her shower by lust-crazed raccoons.) Unlike normal humans, Mary Sues are born with universal knowledge and can outsmart Mensa members, University professors and Harvard graduates at the age of ten. Mary Sues also emit a holy light that surrounds them to inform other lesser creatures that they are to be worshiped.
Well, when they don't want to be surrounded by shadow anyway.
Meanwhile the Mary Sue's laughter was getting louder until the pilot turned on the intercom and demanded that the woman with the "nitrous oxide problem" should shut up immediately before they shoved her out of the plane without a parachute.
Not that it would have done any good since Mary Sues can fly.
Later, the pilot was struck dead by lightning. No one knows why since the sky was completely clear when it happened.
Kero looked up from his video game. A strange sensation had overcome him. At first he thought it might be the sake he had smuggled out of the kitchen, but no, this was something quite different.
"I sense a disturbance in the force," he said.
Eriol, who had been sitting in his big chair in front of the fireplace and doing whatever it is he does when he sits in that chair, also noticed that something had changed suddenly.
"Spinel," he said. "Did you notice something strange just now?"
Spinel Sun looked up from his reading. "You mean like thousands of voices crying out and suddenly being silenced?" he inquired.
"No," replied Eriol. "Tom Green's show doesn't come on until nine."
"How about some mysterious force of unstoppable evil which Pinky is going to have to face to save the entire world from being swallowed into darkness and all of humanity being enslaved?"
Eriol snapped his fingers. "Of course! THAT'S what it is!"
"Yeah," said Spinel. "I thought so."
"You seem calm."
"Why should I worry?" said Spinel. "I won't be enslaved when the Great Pink Hope falls flat on her face. I'm not human."
Eriol sighed. "I was rather hoping it was because you had faith in Nakuru's abilities as a magical girl."
"Do you have faith in them?" Spinel inquired.
"Hell, no," replied Eriol. "But then again it would be easy for me to escape enslavement too."
Ethereal light filled the terminal as the Mary Sue disembarked from the plane. Unfortunately, the light blinded everyone including her and she ended up tripping over someone's luggage, stepping on a poodle and knocking three people down an escalator.
And you thought it was bad when your luggage was lost at the airport. Fortunately, all Mary Sues come with a dimmer switch, although we're not allowed to tell you where it is, so she was able to turn down her light a bit. Although she had a lot of explaining to do when people could finally see.
Meanwhile, the girl or whatever who was going to have to save Tomoeda was busy trying to figure out if she couldn't use some padding to fake a gender for the time being.
Just be glad you live far away from Tomoeda, dear readers.
The next morning, Nakuru awoke to find that she felt that something was different, some strange force had reached her that she couldn't explain. Then, she fell out of bed.
Sometimes you have to be careful when trying to figure out strange things, especially when you sleep on silk sheets (recently missing from Eriol's closet although he hadn't noticed it yet.) Little did she know about what was awaiting her at school that day.
This suspense and foreshadowing is killing you, isn't it?
Somewhere along the line some philosopher or someone came up with the idea of "synchronicity". What is synchronicity you ask? Well, it's a theory that states that things that seem like coincidences are not coincidences. It's like fate only more complicated.
For example, whenever a rival, ally, enemy or someone shows up he or she will usually end up as a transfer student at the hero or heroine's school. In anime there are a lot of transfer students. So many, in fact, that you'd think there was some kind of student shortage. So it should come as no surprise that the invading Mary Sue just happened to be in Nakuru's class.
Researchers still aren't sure whether Mary Sues began the trend of synchronicity or if they just use it more to their advantage. Speaking of which, it's time for some more Mary Sue facts.
Charlotte LaFleur was her name, member # 652-386 in the United Sisterhood Of Mary Sues Local #32. She already had a record of straight A's despite not attending a class yet and would be head of Tokyo University by the end of next week or probably sooner. Mary Sue's grow tired of being the best at one thing quickly and within a week they must master some new skill to the point where no one can do it better (except possibly a higher ranking Mary Sue). A week is about the longest a Mary Sue can go without accomplishing something huge. Charlotte already spoke over twenty languages, including one she made up herself, and had three doctorates.
This was only considered mediocre for a sixteen year old Mary Sue.
In case you're wondering, all Mary Sues derive they're power from gold jeweled rings they wear. Each Mary Sue had a gold ring with a rare jewel that wields their unbelievable author based powers. It's said that the One True Mary Sue has the greatest and most powerful of the rings, the one Mary Sue who rules them all, the Mary Sue that finds them, the Mary Sue that brings them all and in the darkness binds them. This may sound like a plot device ripped off from someone else's work, but trust me, I made it up myself.
The One True Mary Sue was created some time ago by author Stephen Ratliff and she began her conquest of the universe at age twelve and more or less conquered it not long into her twenties. Fortunately, the One True Mary Sue would not appear for some centuries. Unfortunately, Mary Sues can time travel. She will not be making an appearance this time around, so don't worry.
Charlotte dreamed of one day being the most powerful of them all, to have the ring of the One True Mary Sue and to make all time and space bow before her feet. This was actually impossible since Mary Sues almost never overthrow each other. When Mary Sues fight the battle usually goes for a couple of decades, a few cities are leveled, then they resolve their differences and go off to torture mortals. You can learn more about this by watching "When Mary Sues Attack" on Fox.
Now that you know more about Mary Sues, let's get back to the star of this story.
"No!" Spinel Sun said indignantly.
"I am NOT Suppi!!!"
As you might guess from these clues they were having an argument about something.
"For the last time I am NOT going to be your guardian!!" said Spinel.
"But, Suppi!" Nakuru replied in her most childish tone. "Every magical girl needs a guardian!"
"You ARE a guardian, in case you forgot." Spinel replied. "And I'd rather serve Eriol than you. At least he doesn't whine."
"I do NOT whine!!" Nakuru shouted.
"Oh, please…" Spinel muttered before taking on a whiny impression of Nakuru's voice. "I wanna be a magic girl! I wanna gender! I wanna new costume! I wanna guardian!"
"Oh, shut up, SUPPI!!"
Eriol was about to leave when he turned towards them. "Nakuru, won't you be late for class?"
"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M LATE!!!!!" she shouted.
"Have you ever gotten that feeling of immanent dread, like something horrible is about to happen that could wipe out human civilization as we know it?"
Charlotte LaFleur stood on the roof of the school while a convenient dramatic wind blew her long perfect golden locks around.
"So…" she said to herself, because villains always talk to themselves. "There is a magical girl here." A small smirk came to her perfect Venus-like face. "Her powers are no match for me. Today, I'll crush her, for surely there can only be one magical girl around here for me to squash."
Okay, so maybe Mary Sues don't know everything. But usually you could ask them anything and they would give you the perfect answer, (The answer, for some reason, was usually 42.)
"Nakuru Akizuki… Soon you shall be nothing but dust at my feet and then my conquest can continue." Then Charlotte began to laugh again. Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed to illuminate her dramatically.
Unfortunately, one of those lightning bolts got a tad too close.
"Okay," the teacher began. "Today we have a transfer student," The teacher glanced at his papers. "Apparently she comes from a realm of ethereal light and where all the answers to life's questions can be answered." The teacher shrugged. "So, I guess she's from Canada. He name is Charlotte LaFleur."
Charlotte came in looking a tad singed around the edges but otherwise fine. She scanned the room hoping to lock eyes with her prey. Alas, her prey was dozing at her desk with her head buried in her arms. Charlotte sweatdropped. How was she supposed to exchange a menacing but meaningful glare with her rival if her rival was comatose?
Nakuru was feeling a tad run down after trying to watch every episode from the "Sailor Moon Super S" arc in one night. What was worse she had the theme music stuck in her head and she couldn't get rid of it, she'd been absentmindedly humming the entire score on and off for hours and people were starting to stare. When she was conscious she was busy thinking about how to convince Eriol to help her out with her gender based impediments. The best plan seemed to be to get Kaho to ask him as she was a lot better at prying favors out of Eriol.
Meanwhile, Charlotte was still standing there glaring in case Nakuru decided to look up. After a couple of minutes she gave up and took her seat. Amazingly, she was no longer singed. A couple of people asked her how she managed to recover so fast, others were curious how she got singed in the first place. Charlotte just responded with a laugh reminiscent of Jinnai from "El Hazzard" and dismissed them.
'Why does that girl have such a weird laugh?' Nakuru thought to herself before dozing off again. And as was usually the case in this kind of story, she had a strange dream…
The evil creature loomed over her. She shrank away from it as it slashed at her again, shredding part of her uniform, but surprisingly not cutting through her skin.
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha!" the creature laughed in at voice that sounded like Barry White crossed with Linda Blair in "The Exorcist". "So, Magical Girl Ruby Moon, it seems you are no match for my powers."
"Hold it right there!" cried another voice. Suddenly, there was the sound of dramatic guitar chords mixed with castanets as peach blossoms floated through the air. A shadowed figure was suddenly illuminated as he stood perched atop a nearby building wearing a tuxedo, cape, mask and dorky looking top hat.
"Stop foul creature!" the figure shouted. "Your presence here is a blight upon this city and you shall be removed. For I am the heroic yet conveniently enigmatic Tuxedo Touya!"
"No!" the creature shouted.
"Tuxedo Touya-sama!" Ruby Moon shouted. She was about to rush to his side when…
Nakuru fell sideways out of her chair. "Owwww…" she muttered rubbing her head. "Just when it was getting interesting too."
Alas, poor Nakuru did not know that this dream would never come true for one reason; Touya would never wear a dorky hat. Perhaps I should expand on that for a moment. You might have noticed that in magical heroine stories, the hero/romantic interest character usually wears a weird hat. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. For example, in "Kaitou St. Tail", Saint Tail wears a top hat and Asuka Jr. doesn't wear a hat at all. But odd headwear is usually a pre-requisite. If you don't believe me, take another look at Syaoran's hat.
Make note of this it will be important later.
Nakuru looked around the room only to see it was empty. "Oh no… I slept through class! I'm getting to be as bad as that Usagi twerp!"
"So, you're finally awake," said an ominous voice. Nakuru looked up to see a shadowed figure standing before one of the windows. Suddenly, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. "So… you are Tomoeda's magical girl, hm?"
Nakuru quickly got to her feet. "How did you know that?"
"Bwa-ha-ha!" the shadowy figure replied. "I know everything!"
Nakuru sweatdropped. "Aren't you that weird exchange student from Canada?"
The figure, which was in fact Charlotte, fell over. "I am not Canadian! I don't like hockey and I don't drink beer!"
"Also you're too obnoxious to be Canadian."
"And I'm too obno… Oh, shut up!"
Just then, Nakuru sensed a strange aura of power. "You… You're one of them! You are one of the Mary Sue!"
Charlotte smirked. She raised her hand to display her ring. Then she remembered that the ring was on her other hand. "So… you figured it out. Yes. I am Charlotte LaFleur of the great ranks of the Mary Sue, the most powerful race in the universe! I serve the will of the most feared being in the universe!"
"No, no. The other most feared being in the universe."
"Yes… And now you are all that stands between me and total conquest of Tomoeda!" Charlotte announced. "Come to Tokyo Tower tonight and there you can either surrender to me or meet your doom! Oh, ho ho ho ho ho!"
Nakuru sweatdropped. 'Now she's laughing like that Daidouji girl…'
"Until then," Charlotte raised one hand into the air and she was suddenly engulfed in light. Nakuru was forced to shield her eyes. When the light faded, Charlotte was gone.
Sakura was forced to stifle a yawn as she walked home with Syaoran and Tomoyo.
"I can't believe how dull today was," said Tomoyo. "I don't remember when we've had a day that was so dull and routine."
"Yeah," said Syaoran. "It's almost as though everything interesting that was happening today was focused somewhere else."
That night, Ruby Moon left through her window dressed in her magical girl outfit, which was made up of a copy Utena's school-shirt paired with a short pleated white skirt, gloves, boots, and a Sailor V-style mask. She began roof hopping her way towards the Tokyo Tower.
You might be wondering why Charlotte chose Tokyo Tower for her confrontation with Nakuru. Well, there are some rules that even Mary Sues can't break and Clamp tradition states that dramatic and crucial plot points should take place at Tokyo Tower if at all possible. This is doubly true of crucial battles.
For some reason no one ever notices shadowy figures standing dramatically on top of the observation desk or engaged in combat. This despite the fact that the tower has more spotlights on it than the "20th Century Fox" logo.
"So, you have come at last," Charlotte said ominously as she stepped out of the shadows. "This is your last chance. Swear your loyalty to me or prepare to be destroyed."
Ruby Moon sighed. "That's it? No laughter? No maniacal chit-chat? That's the problem with the world these days. Villains never take the time to do a proper warm up."
"Just answer the question," Charlotte snapped.
"Never!" Ruby Moon shouted. "I shall never surrender to you!"
Charlotte winced. "There was no need to shout, you know. I'm standing right here."
"Very well then," said Charlotte. She held out her hand (the correct one this time), the ring on her finger gleamed and a sword, looking vaguely reminiscent of "Magic Knight Rayearth", formed in her hand. Ruby Moon's eyes narrowed and she summoned her own sword, which looked like 'The Sword' card only with a blade made of red crystal.
"Impressive, you didn't have that sword last time," said Charlotte.
"Actually, I did. I just didn't use it." Ruby Moon replied.
"So, you've learned to exploit logical loopholes," said Charlotte. "Clow Reed has taught you well, but you are not a magical girl yet." Charlotte lashed out with her sword.
Ruby Moon parried the attack with her own weapon. "We'll see about that," she said before attempting a strike herself.
Charlotte easily dodged the attack. "Ooh… Good move. Where'd you learn to use that thing? Watching 'The Mask Of Zorro'?"
"Oh, shut up." Ruby Moon attacked again. And again Charlotte dodged the attack easily.
"Now," said Charlotte. "You shall feel the true power of the dark side." Charlotte unleashed a fury of slashes and Ruby Moon struggled desperately to counter them. The last of the blows yanked the sword from Ruby Moon's hand sending it clattering across the metal roof of the observation deck. Charlotte quickly pointed her sword towards Ruby Moon's throat. "Your puny powers are no match for me."
Suddenly, at the last possible moment, an unexpected salvation came. A swift moving blur struck Charlotte's hand causing her to drop her sword. Ruby Moon turned expecting to see a rose or, better still, peach blossoms next to Charlotte's fallen sword. What she saw was unexpected.
It was a stuffed sheep.
Suddenly, dramatic guitar chords and castanets filled the air.
"Who's there?!" Charlotte shouted as both she and Ruby Moon turned to see a shadowed figure perched atop a nearby skyscraper with a convenient stereo nearby playing the music. Suddenly, he was illuminated and yes it was, in fact, Eriol, wearing a tux with under his usual cape with a mask taped on over his glasses. He still carried his staff and, of course, wore that huge, weird looking hat. (I told you that point would be important.)
"Halt, foul Mary Sue!" the masked Eriol announced dramatically. "Your evil will now be stopped! For I am the mysterious but conveniently timed Tuxedo Clow!"
Ruby Moon fell over. "You've got to be kidding me." She quickly got back to her feet and tried to use her mental powers to summon her sword back into her hand. When that didn't work she just ran over and picked it up. She managed to grab it just in time to deflect a new assault by Charlotte.
"Hey!" Ruby Moon called out. "Little help here!" She glanced over to see that Eriol had disappeared. 'Typical man,' she thought to herself as she parried another strike. Ruby Moon took a slash at Charlotte, which nicked her left arm.
"Arghhhhh!!!!" Charlotte screamed as she sprung backwards clutching her arm. "How can this be?!"
Ruby Moon sweatdropped. "Oh, please. It's not that bad."
"You don't understand!!" a panicked Charlotte shrieked. "My perfection has been ruined!!" Steam and smoke was starting to rise off of her. She was shaking violently and seemed to begetting shorter. "And when our perfection is ruined…" Just then, Ruby Moon realized that Charlotte was dissolving. "I'm melting!" Charlotte cried out. "Meeeeelting!!! Oh, what a world, what a world!" Charlotte glowed brightly momentarily before she exploded in a great flash of light. Ruby Moon quickly shielded her eyes. After there was only the tiny clink of Charlotte's ring hitting the roof of the observation deck. Ruby Moon walked over and picked it up. The ice blue crystal set in the ring gleamed and then slowly turned pink.
"That's a very rare treasure," came a voice.
Ruby Moon turned to see Eriol, still dressed as Tuxedo Clow. "Oh, now you show up."
"The powers bestowed by a ring of the Mary Sue are great," Eriol said portentiously. "But wield them carefully or you too may be consumed by their power and enslaved to the One True Mary Sue."
"Oh, quit the foreboding, ominous Obi-Wan crap!" Ruby Moon shouted.
"Well, excuse me for having a sense of the dramatic," Eriol said. "By the way, when you learn to use that thing you might be able to solve that gender problem of yours."
"Really?!" Ruby Moon said, eyes sparkling.
Eriol sighed. 'There hasn't been this big a deal about the genderless since "Dogma".' He paused to adjust his mask. "Yes. One day it will. But I suspect there will be more battles to come."
"Well, duh!" said Ruby Moon, sounding uncannily like Maggie Blue O' Hara.
"No. Never mind." But somehow Touya got the feeling that somehow there was some plot against him, that someone was going to great lengths just for the opportunity to glomp him.
He was, of course, right.
But The Amazing Magical Girl Ruby Moon will return in…
Amazing Magical Girl Ruby Moon In Wonderland
Well, it's finally finished. It took forever for me to get through this sequel. I hope you enjoyed it. Personally, I thought "Tuxedo Clow" was inspired. ^-^
-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)