So, I know this is really not well written, but I wrote this in half an hour while I waited for my friend to finish her test and a psycotic plot bonny stabed me on the ankle. Just Marshall thinking about Lionel's death. Enjoy!
And that was it, end of line. He was dead.
Marshall always knew people go away, some day. He knew how fragile life was. He didn't really care about him being dead or alive. But he had never realized Lionel wouldn't be with him anymore. Of all people, Lionel.
When he first met Lionel, he was furious. Furious about how he treated his sexuality like a disease, like he was different from everyone else, like he deserved special treatment, and no one could ever change his mind. But it was always there, and he should have known. Lionel was different. And the more they got to be friends, more Marshall could see that. More Marshall could see he would never find anyone like that boy in the entire world. But there was also that small part of Lionel that he tried to hide, but it was in his eyes, clear as water, for whoever payed attention. Weakness. And Marshall could see that all over him when they first kissed in his bedroom. Weakness stamped in his eyes, printed on his cheeks, pressing his eyebrows, spread on his lips... Lionel's wonderful, soft lips. Marshall would never forget the way Lionel's safe arms around him made life feel so much easier. In Lionel's arms, he was still a child with no worries or regrets.
Can I hug you?
And at the beginning, it was not love. At least that was what he thought. That evening when Lionel asked his why they where really together, the answer he gave was the least romantic anyone could give. How could he? How could he replied so cruelly to the boy who had confessed all his fears and deceptions to him while holding back his tears? How could he cheat on the boy who dreamed about lips touching eyelids, who had so completely trusted him?
The truth was that Marshall couldn't stand seeing Lionel kissing Noah. He wanted Lionel to want him and only him. So Noah was his revenge for a crime Lionel never even know he had committed. How cruel was to punish a man who do not understand his infliction? And eventually, he began to like Noah. About the same time he started to realized he loved Lionel. Because, after all he had done to him, Lionel was still able to sit in the car with him so peacefully, like nothing had happened and give honest advice, like he actually wanted Marshall to be happy, even if it had to be with Noah.
Real answer or a selfish one?
Marshall remember Lionel's tired voice asking him and laughed, a warm tear following his smile. He would never have it back. He would never have Lionel back. Why couldn't he realize how much he missed his Lionel until he lost him? That was not what he wanted. He didn't wanted to cry, to get over and to move one. No matter how healthy it was, Marshall didn't wanted to smile at Noah at school. He didn't even wanted to touch Noah anymore. He didn't wanted to pretend he was okay. Because he wouldn't be okay. He just wanted Lionel back. Why couldn't he have it? If at least he hadn't left so much unfinished...
You won't let Noah in because you're still in love with me...
He remember exactly how his voice had sounded like, like his was holding tears he didn't want to show Marshall, like he was embarrassed to say out loud something he had told himself a thousand times. And like a wish. It sounded like a wish. Marshall could read exactly what he meant by that, something Lionel was way to proud, too weak and to scared to say. You still love me and not him. And it was true. But Marshall was also way too proud and weak to admit it. He needed to win that fight, that fight he had begun and only he was fighting. He couldn't give in. What a silly thing pride sounded like now. Compared to loss. Compared to death.
It was the time when he knew. When it was said out loud in class Lionel was dead. Why hadn't he been warned before?
Why was nobody looking at him? Didn't they know he loved him?
Why was no one crying? Screaming? Why wasn't he crying?
How could Lionel die? He couldn't be dead. Somebody save him!
But it was too late. He tried to figure out the answer for all these questions, but he already knew. That was not in his mind right know. No matter how much he tried to think or feel sad, the only thing he could feel was desperate and powerless. Because somebody had to save Lionel. People could die, but not Lionel, he was different. Someone had to save him. Marshall had to save him. But he couldn't. It was too late. Marshall refused to accept he was dead, but yet he knew. He knew he had done it all wrong and now lost him with no time to fix or save. Time's up.
And now, sitting in front of Lionel's memorial, next to his mother, he could give the answer for all of those questions. The answer was that nobody loved Lionel like he did, but no one knew that. Because he never showed it, never showed how much he loved Lionel. Lionel, who had a brilliant future. Lionel, who life reserved so many epic romances for. Lionel, who he loved blindly and who had loved him unconditionally. Marshall opened his eyes. He had wrote Lionel a letter. A two page front and back letter, that contained nothing but apologizes, excuses and explanations. But Lionel wouldn't need that. Just as Marshall never needed him to give his a full view of the situation that day in the car.
Still in love with me
Marshall tore the letter. Tara watched him, but didn't say a word. The boy put one of the small pieces of paper that had nothing written in it on his knee and picked a pencil out of his pocket. One tear stained the paper, but he was sure Lionel wouldn't mind. His hands trembled from the sobs, but he wrote anyway.
"I'm still in love with you. I'll miss you. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you."