Hey, Mass Effect community! This is the first fanfiction I've written in a very, very long time, and it's for a fandom I've come to love so much, so I hope I don't disappoint!

M rating will be for potty-mouth and mentions of deviant human sex acts.

Things to know for the setup:

My femShep is Reyna Shepard. Vangaurd. War hero. Paragade.

Romanced Garrus. Big sister figure to Jack and Tali. Buddies with Mordin. Distrustful of Miranda. Indifferent to others.

This is set post ME2/during assumed events of ME3. We've been told that in ME3, we'll get to see Palaven. This story assumes that the Normandy picked up Garrus' father (who I'm calling Aetius) and sister and that they're part of the team. They don't know about Garrus hooking up with Shep.

Skyllian Five rules taken from Five Card Draw rules:

http:/ poker. about. com/od/poker101/ht/5carddraw. htm

I'm not a poker player. If anything is incorrect, I'm sorry.

A wave of hostility flooded the cockpit as Aetius Vakarian invaded the space and prodded at EDI's interface. Her hologram blinked to life and she responded, "How may I help you, Officer Vakarian?"

"My son," he said, none too nicely, "I can't seem to locate him."

EDI's slit flashed momentarily, signaling that she was scanning her other interfaces throughout the Normandy. Her colors pinged green for a second. "Scan complete. Gunnery Chief Vakarian is located on the lower engineering deck."

Aetius gave a confused huff. "What's he doing down there?"

"He is in the company of Commander Shepard and several other crewmen, including our pilot, Mr. Moreau," EDI said coolly. "I assume they are discussing tactics for upcoming missions."

"In the bowels of the ship?" Aetius said haughtily. "Does this ship not have a proper debriefing room?"

"It does," EDI replied. "However, the debriefing room has a surveillance system in place. Jack made an extensive effort to destroy any surveillance equipment previously found on the lower deck. Likely, they are discussing things off-the-record."

"How unprofessional," Aetius hissed. He wasn't a huge fan of Shepard, to say the least, thinking her tactics were far too rash for someone of her rank. No doubt, she had heavily influenced his son's delinquency from proper turian standards. "I thank you for the information, AI."

"Tali, you're a cheating whore!"

Cards were tossed onto the table as Tali scooped up a pile of wagered Omni-tool components. For people like Tali, who didn't really have many credits to bet, other winnings were substituted. She, Ken and Gabby would wager parts. Garrus would often throw in specialized ammo or spare heat sinks. Recently, the point of playing Skyllian Five had become less about winning anything and more about having downtime with crewmates.

Tali giggled and nudged Jack. "You won't often find promiscuous quarians, you know. It's way too dangerous to risk a suit breach, even with someone you care for."

Joker muttered. "You can breach my suit, Tali." That earned a snort from Ken, who was promptly elbowed by Gabby.

"Thank you for the offer, Joker," Tali groaned, "but I think I'll pass."

Jack reached across the table to swipe Joker's hat and flip it onto her head. Since the victory at the Collector base, she had grown her hair out enough to pull into a ponytail but had shaved the sides. The hat flattened her free hair to her face, obscuring one eye slightly. "Girl's got standards, Joker."

Garrus made a sort of clicking laugh and blurted, "Reegar."

Tali's voice became frantic. "Leave Reegar out of this! Why must you always bring him up?"

Jack swiveled the hat to the side, mussing her hair, and nudged Tali with her knuckles. "Cause everyone knows you have a big, fat crush."

"I do not!"

Shepard piped up, "So there's another reason why your mask fogs up when he's around?" Garrus barked out a laugh at that.

"My mask doesn't fog up!" Tali squealed. "It doesn't!"

While Tali gave her flustered rebuttal, Ken gathered up the cards and began shuffling. Everyone turned out their pockets, producing an array of items: more parts, heat sinks, ammunition upgrades. Jack briefly left the table to fumble around her desk. She returned, tossing a candy bar on the table. Shepard eyed it sharply as Ken passed the deck to Gabby, letting her cut and deal.

"Where did you get that?" Shepard asked quickly.

Jack took her cards and said, "I was on the Citadel during your little stint on Palaven. Picked up something edible just in case Gardner was still cooking when I got back."

Joker immediately groaned at his hand. "Gabby, you're out to ruin me. I'm folding now."

"Already?" Gabby asked sweetly.

"Yes, already," Joker said. "I've got nothing else to ante up, unless you want to turn this into strip Skyllian Five."

"No thank you," Shepard said quickly. She tossed in another heat sink. Garrus threw in some concussive rounds, visibly happy with his hand. Tali threw in some of her previously won parts.

Then, Jack fished around for another candy bar and laid it on the table. "You look hungry, Shep."

"That's not funny, Jack," Shepard grumbled. "Some of us haven't been on shore leave in a while."

"Then you better hope your hand is great."

Ken and Gabby passed on additional bets, and everyone began the cycle of trading cards. Garrus, who was typically terrible at Skyllian Five, was confident enough in his hand that he threw in a handful of polonium rounds when the final bets were placed. Jack sat up in her chair.

"Where the fuck did you get those?" she cried. "Those aren't even issued anymore!"

"I have my sources," Garrus rumbled, mandibles flaring excitedly.

Shepard eyed him suspiciously. "Is your hand really that good?"

"It might be," he replied quietly.

"If you win the round," Shepard threatened, "you're giving me those candy bars."

"Not like I can eat them," Garrus retorted.

Jack lightly kicked Shepard under the table, waving her cards. "The day he wins a round is the day I go track down the cheerleader and make nice with her."

"Careful, Jack," Garrus said, giving a turian grin. "You might have to eat those words."

"All bets placed?" Shepard prodded. "Everyone in?" Everyone save for Garrus and Jack flipped their cards down. Ken and Gabby had weak hands, three of a kind and two pair. Shepard held a straight. Tali boasted a flush. Shepard leaned into Garrus, peaking at his hand. "Oh shit."

"Shit what?" Jack spat. "He's not winning this. I'm getting those poloniums." She promptly threw down her cards: a straight flush. "He can tie me, but there's no fucking way he-"

Her words caught in her throat as Garrus placed a royal straight flush, the highest hand in the game, onto the table. Tali gasped, and Garrus said, "I believe I've won, Jack."

"How..." she stammered. Shepard was grinning widely as she scooped up the candy bars from the bet pool. "How the fuck...?"

"I'm sure we can locate Miranda for you," Garrus hummed. "You know, so you can start 'making nice' with her."

Jack growled and kicked away from the table. "Suck it, Vakarian!"

All the humans present gave amused laughs, but Garrus adopted a confused expression. "Suck it?"

"What?" Jack said.

"Never mind," Garrus said, waving it off. "Your phrase is lost in translation."

"Turians don't have an equivalent for 'suck it'?" Jack asked, suddenly gaining the look of a mischievous child.

"Jack..." Shepard said, trying to derail the conversation.

"No," Garrus replied.

And that did it. Joker nearly broke a leg leaping up out of his seat. "But you know what it means, right? Turians have to have an equivalent!"

Garrus eyed the humans across from him. They all stared back, breath baited. "Why are you all looking at me like that?" He turned to Shepard, his mandibles twitching. "What am I missing here?"

"You don't want to know," Shepard muttered.

"Oh my god," Joker said, laughing. "There's not an equivalent? Really?"

"Equivalent of what?" Garrus said, annoyed.

"No, Joker," Shepard answered. "Turians don't do anything similar. Drop it."

Joker sat back, satisfied and highly amused by the answer. Of course, Jack wasn't going to let it go. "Wait, wait, wait..." She couldn't contain a smile. "Turians don't give each other blowjobs?"

Garrus shrank back at the word. "Blow what?"

"Laugh it up, Jack," Shepard growled. "We're not having this conversation. It isn't important."

"No, I'm curious now!" Jack quipped back. "There's seriously no such thing as a turian blow jay?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Jack," Garrus said in defeat. "Just explain it and be done with it."

Jack was having way too much fun with this, and in the eloquent manner only she could acheive, she explained, "A blowjob is having your dick sucked."

Garrus' eyes widened to an impossible size, mandibles twitching helplessly. "W-what?"

"You can't tell me Shepard's never-"

"Of course Shepard's never-! Why the hell would she do that?" he cried. "Why would any sane person-oh Spirits!"

Shepard rubbed his arm soothingly, shooting Jack the best death glare she could muster. "It's not that odd."

"Oh, come on, Shepard," Jack said. "Turians, the fuck-your-crewmates-to-ease-tension species, doesn't-"

"Jack, have you ever seen a turian's mouth?" Shepard asked bluntly. "Humans don't have razor sharp teeth. And we have lips."

The room was silent for a moment, but Jack didn' wait long to start in again. "But you're a human, so what's holding you back?"

Tali piped up, "This... blowjob... is a human-specific sex act. I don't think any other species does it." By the sound of her voice, she was very embarrassed, as well. "And besides... ingestion... of dextro-proteins would probably be dangerous."

Garrus hung his head. "Thank you, Tali, but if you're trying to make thing better, that didn't really help."

"It can't be that dangerous," Jack laughed. "As long as you don't finish in her-"

"Jack!" Garrus and Shepard screamed at the same time. Jack obviously didn't know that ingestion was inevitable because turian males produced a type of self-lubricant, but that didn't matter. This conversation needed to end.

Though, Garrus couldn't help but analyze the whole concept. He had been reluctant to participate in the act humans called "kissing," too, but Shepard had proven to him that it was quite pleasant. The thought of what that soft tongue of hers could do, her hot mouth around his... He tried not to think about it, at least not in present company. Maybe later, when he was alone with his mate.

"Fine," Jack pouted. "You guys are no fun." She reclined back in her chair, slinging her feet up on the table. "Another round? I've got some beer I can ante up."

"Make it whiskey and we'll talk," Shepard groaned. "I need it right about now."

"Don't we all," Joker snorted.

The room was oddly quiet. Jack didn't like it. For a moment, she worried that she may have actually gone too far. "Hey, guys," she said. "You know I was just playin' around, right?" Her voice was more timid than she meant it to be.

Shepard and Garrus had become like family to her. That closeness, however, caused her to overstep her boundaries sometimes. Maybe she had gotten too comfortable with them, confident that they would accept her no matter what she did or said. Maybe that was a mistake. Shepard seemed different from all the other assholes in her life, genuine, but when it came down to it, would she really react any differently? And what about Garrus? Did he just pretend to like her for Shepard's sake? Jack was suddenly very worried.

That fear disappeared, though, when Garrus laughed nervously and said, "No hard feelings, Jack. Just warn me next time before you pull me into a discussion of human sex practices. I'll be sure to have a few drinks beforehand."

Jack smiled. No harm done. What a relief. She didn't feel like losing the only people she'd ever considered family. She gathered up the cards and had begun shuffling when the door upstairs opened with a hiss. Heavy footsteps thunked across the upper deck and continued on the stairs. Everyone in the room tensed a little, turning to greet whoever was coming down.

In moments, Aetius appeared, looking peeved. He eyed the card table and the deck in Jack's hands. "This isn't a debriefing at all."

"No, father," Garrus said. He tried to wrangle in his nervous energy from earlier, afraid his father would be able to hear it in his voice. "We have to report back to the Citadel before our next assignment. We're still several days away."

"We're taking advantage of a bit of downtime, sir," Shepard added. She had scooted away from Garrus when she heard the door and was now a good two feet from him. She hoped Aetius wouldn't become suspicious. "We were having a friendly game. If you have a moment to spare, Jack can deal you in."

Jack suppressed a sour look, knowing Shepard had only offered to be nice. She almost sighed in relief when he declined. "I have no time for these tirvial things. I'd like a word with my son, Commander." He inclined his head to Garrus, mandibles flicking when he noticed the look on his son's face. "What's wrong with you?"

Shepard looked over to Garrus, noticing that he still bore the nervous look from earlier. Garrus' mandibles twitched guiltily at his father's inquiry. "Nothing. Just recovering from an embarrassing conversation."

"Embarrassing my ass," Jack barked. Garrus shot her a pleading look, relieved when she returned a smirk, an unspoken 'I've got your back.' "You just don't wanna play strip Skyllian Five because you're a terrible player, Vakarian."

Joker took the cue and added. "Jack, we already told you, nobody wants to see his scaly ass."

"I should hope not," Aetius scoffed, quickly regretting that he had asked. "Garrus, your sister and I will be waiting in the main battery. Don't dally around. It's important." He promptly turned on his heel and retreated upstairs.

When he was sure his father was out of earshot, door closed behind him, Garrus let out a sigh, leaning into Shepard as she scooted back toward him. "Thank you for that, Jack. I honestly didn't know what to tell him."

"He's way too perceptive," Jack said. "You need to work on your bluffs, buddy."

"Do you know how difficult it is to lie to someone like him?" Garrus asked.

"Well, I'm sure it doesn't help that he raised you," Jack said. "But don't worry so much. The only people on the Normandy that know about you and Shep are sitting right here, and we're not gonna rat you out." She thought a moment and corrected herself. "Well, Chakwas and Mordin know, too, but they wouldn't let something like that slip."

Garrus left his seat, working his way around the table. He grabbed Jack's shoulder as he passed her. "Like I said, thank you. I'm glad I can count on you to be serious when it's important."

"Anytime, man," Jack said, smiling. "You and Shep got something good going. I'm not about to see it get fucked up."

Garrus tightened his grip lovingly. "I knew there was a reason Shepard kept you around."

As he headed for the stairs, Jack called, "You know you love me, Vakarian!"

The door hissed closed behind Garrus seconds later and Tali leaned into the table. "Do you think everything's okay? He said Garrus' sister would be there, too."

"It's probably an update on his mother," Shepard said quietly. "She went through another treatment a few days ago."

"Keelah," Tali whispered. "I hope she's okay."

"I hope so, too, Tali."

Garrus trudged to the battery, steeling himself for the upcoming conversation. There had been a worried undertone in his father's voice, a tone he rarely ever carried. Solana would be there, meaning it was about their mother. And, the way his father spoke... this was going to be bad. The battery doors slid open and Garrus was greeted by Aetius, leaning against the console, and Solana, sitting on Garrus' bed, head in her hands.

Garrus gathered his words and slowly asked, "What happened to Mom?"

That's it guys! I plan to turn this into something longer, but updates will be random because of my schedule. Also, I don't have a beta, so forgive any typos and such. Drop me a review if you liked it!