Title: Perfect Chaos
Summary: He hid his anxiety behind daily cups of coffee, and let it dim in the light of Kurt's smile when he walked into the door of the Lima Bean every morning. Blaine-centric and Klaine. Set during Y/N.
Category: Glee, Klaine, with a dash of Puck, Finn, Tina, and Mike
Disclaimer: Not mine, though can we talk about some kind of joint custody arrangement? Song excerpts are all from the episode.
A/N: OMG, what is going on? I join tumblr and now I am writing post-eps right after an ep has aired. (I usually wait at least a few weeks, because I loathe not being in line with canon so I wait to see if something is explained or continued in following episodes.) So, now I am posting before the next ep airs so it can completely "un-canon" my fic. And I have been tempted on multiple occasions to "meta," if I have that term correct, and even dabbled into a RPF. Just, OMG. I have been ruined, in possibly the best way.
Warning: this got way, way angsty but still has a touch of sappiness, as per my usual M.O. Spoilers have been running amok, so nothing like actual canon feeding into my natural tortured tendencies. There are no explicit references to the upcoming episode Michael.
Little did I know there would be Blaine angst coming up, but I managed to hint at it in my holiday fic Hold Me Tight. Also, there was much angst in my S2 holiday fic. So, apparently Blaine + holidays = angst in my head.
There are vague references to my other fics Still Breathing, Kiss Me Slow, and Hold Me Tight, but they are not necessary reads to understand this one. Though I would love you if you read them. And I totally stole some lines from my RPF, which you can find at my tumblr account.
Gosh, this turned into a monstrosity. But I have resigned myself, this is what angst does to me. Now on to the fic...
It's the way I feel I just can't deny
And I've got to let it go...
We found a love in a hopeless place
"This is so exciting," Kurt gushed quietly as Mr. Schuester dismissed the glee club and everyone gathered their belongings. Blaine smiled his agreement, his hand slipping easily into Kurt's as they made their way down the risers. "I already have song ideas. And locations," Kurt continued eagerly. "This proposal is going to be so romantic. It's going to be epic."
They reached the door all too soon, and as usual, Kurt loosened his grip. However, Blaine did not let go this time, rather he tightened his grip and tugged Kurt to the side before they could leave the room. Kurt quirked an eyebrow, looking at the other boy curiously as the rest of the New Directions filed out of the room.
"You're wearing it today," Blaine commented. Kurt shrugged, smile gracing his lips as he glanced at the colorful paper ring on his finger.
"I know I can't wear it every day," Kurt said ruefully, his eyes finding Blaine's again. "It would totally clash with my outfits," he teased, leaning in with a smirk. Blaine smiled back before dropping his gaze, but not before Kurt saw how quickly the smile disappeared from the other boy's face.
"I'm sorry I couldn't give you 'epic,'" Blaine said sadly. Kurt stared at Blaine's bowed head, silently willing him to look up. When Blaine didn't, Kurt set his hand on the other boy's chest, making sure the ring caught Blaine's attention.
"You did," Kurt asserted. Blaine huffed his disbelief, still not looking up. "In the middle of a public school hallway where homophobes could be lurking anywhere, you gave me this and you promised to be there for me always. That was 'epic' to me." Kurt ducked his head and slid his fingers under Blaine's chin. When shining, sad eyes finally looked back at him, Kurt smoothed his fingers along Blaine's jaw. "What's going on?" he asked gently.
Blaine answered by leaning in and pressing his lips to Kurt's. Kurt responded quickly, tilting his head to deepen the kiss and letting Blaine's tongue slide against his. Blaine settled his hands around Kurt's waist, gripping tightly as he pressed his body closer. Kurt slid his hands up to cup Blaine's face, feeling dampness there.
"Blaine?" Kurt asked breathlessly, pulling slowly away from the kiss. He opened his eyes, concern filling his tone and expression, and ran his thumbs under the other boy's eyes, wiping away the tears that slipped from Blaine's still closed eyes. Blaine took a shaky breath, and another, before he blinked his eyes open, offering a wan smile.
"Thank you," Blaine said, voice rough as he wrapped his fingers around Kurt's wrists, squeezing gently.
"For being you."
"Blaine," Kurt chastised gently, smiling sadly at Blaine's effort to distract. Blaine pulled Kurt's hands from his face, twining their fingers. He sighed, then smiled bracingly.
"I'm just happy you're here," Blaine said earnestly. When Kurt continued to scrutinize him, he tugged Kurt back toward the door. With a quirk of his lips and eyes clearer than a moment ago, he added mischievously, "We're late. And I don't think we can ask Mr. Schue for another pass."
...aim for my heart
If you feel like
And take me away and make it okay
"Hey, Kurt," Puck greeted as he opened the stage door. Kurt slipped through the door and spied Finn and Blaine.
"Hello, Puck," Kurt said, an indulgent smile on his face. His eyes quickly went to Blaine.
"You saw us?" Blaine asked, tone surprised.
"We totally rocked that song," Finn enthused.
"I saw," Kurt said evenly, though his eyes stayed on Blaine's.
"You didn't like it?" Blaine asked, not hearing any enthusiasm in the other boy's tone.
"I liked it," Kurt countered, lips quirking into a smirk. Blaine's eyes widened and a blush crept across his cheeks.
"Uh, we're going to head out," Puck said. He smacked Finn's arm lightly to get his attention. "Halo marathon at my place?" Finn stepped through the door.
"Wait, I drove today," Finn commented, turning back to the other boys. "Kurt, you coming?" Kurt did not turn his attention away from Blaine.
"I'm sure Blaine can get him home," Puck said after a beat, his own smirk now in place. "Right, man?" Blaine's eyes flickered to Puck and his blush deepened at the other boy's knowing expression. Puck grabbed Finn's arm, pulling him out the door with a chuckle.
Blaine stepped closer to Kurt as soon as the door clicked shut.
"I didn't see you," Blaine broke the silence.
Kurt shrugged. "I was in the box."
"You really need to stop doing that," Blaine said with a chuckle. "I never look up there."
"I like the view," Kurt said slowly, eyeing Blaine suggestively. Blaine's blush returned and he had to look away. Kurt closed the remaining distance between them, fingers finding the black sash draped around Blaine's neck.
"I wouldn't make such a fool of myself performing if I knew you were there," Blaine revealed, keeping his attention on how Kurt's fingers slid along the fabric.
"You didn't. You were hot." Kurt's words pulled Blaine's attention back to his face, amusement painted across Blaine's expression.
"Hot? Really?" Blaine asked incredulously. Kurt smirked, tugged on the fabric in his hands, and leaned close.
"Really," Kurt whispered, lips brushing against Blaine's.
And I knew our joy
Would fill the earth
And last 'til the end of time
Blaine leaned heavily against the wall as the girls finished the song. Before the last note slipped away, he slid down the wall, glad he had chosen Kurt's typical balcony view from which to watch the performance. His head fell back against the wall, and he let out a sigh. Footfalls sounded on the stage and then the auditorium was quiet.
An interminable time later, Blaine's cell phone buzzed. With trembling hands, he retrieved it from his pocket to see a text waiting from Kurt.
Where are you? You missed the girls.
Blaine took a deep breath before answering: Got held up.
The reply was quick: Everything okay?
Blaine took a deep breath, gripping his phone and willing his emotions away. He hesitated again, mind working up a plausible excuse.
Just got a big History paper to research.
Do you want some help? I can keep you company?
Blaine's lips quirked into a small smile, but it lasted only a moment. He typed out his response.
It's going to take a while. I'll talk to you tonight?
Blaine held his breath as he waited for Kurt's answer, hoping the other boy would not press the issue. The response came after several seconds.
Okay. Good luck with your paper.
Blaine immediately typed: I love you.
I love you too.
Blaine closed his eyes as Kurt's voice, so clear in his mind, echoed those words repeatedly. Tears threatened to escape his eyelids and he took a shaky breath. He had been struggling since before the holidays, since he realized that Kurt had become his whole world. It was with this new clarity that he began thinking about everything that had happened in the past few months.
He had pushed aside his fears about public school, and transferred to be with Kurt. He hid his anxiety behind daily cups of coffee, and let it dim in the light of Kurt's smile when he walked into the door of the Lima Bean every morning.
He had set aside his doubts when Kurt had encouraged him to accept the lead in West Side Story and forgave him for his drunken advances at Scandals; had tamped down his insecurities and the mistakes that tugged at the corners of his mind because hadn't Kurt given him reason enough to never doubt himself after opening night?
He had ignored how his past insecurities stifled his breathing at Finn's biting remarks and glares, had forced the bitterness away when the tall teenager had happily welcomed Rory and Sam into the New Directions. Because he let logic and love guide him, knowing the glee club needed more members for competition, and that winning would allow them to move on and would make Kurt so happy to get another chance in New York. But he had almost given himself away on the last one, singing a little too enthusiastically with a red plastic cup held loftily in the air, and making Kurt question his sanity.
And there was the pesky guilt that ate at his heart whenever he spoke with Sebastian. It wasn't often, but the other boy was unavoidable when he visited the Warblers. Though Blaine was still scandalized by every invitation and innuendo uttered by the other boy, he could not help feeling flattered by the attention. However, those moments were short-lived and left him feeling more unsettled the more they occurred.
When he had gotten angry with Sam, who had always been friendly, Blaine knew something was wrong. But weeks of ignoring or setting aside his emotions, his unhappiness, could not be so easily addressed, and he found himself falling back into his cheerful, optimistic persona when Finn had come to him with his not-really-an-apology. He refused to acknowledge the sneaking suspicion that Finn had only come to him because of the desire to win Sectionals, and not for Blaine's benefit or his own personal enlightenment. Instead, he thought of Kurt and how much disappointment he had endured already with the musical and the election, and did not want to add another reason for the beautiful boy to frown. So, he had immersed himself into vocal arrangements and choreography steps, and let the excitement of performing and winning override his emotional turmoil.
The holiday special had given him something else to focus on, and though rehearsals and filming lasted only a few days, Blaine had felt happier than he had in months. He flirted with Kurt, and got to show his affection for the other boy among people he was finally beginning to call his friends.
The holidays themselves gave him no reprieve from the emotions that were now aggressively stabbing at his mind after being pushed down for so long. He found them all-the fears, doubts and insecurities, the anxiety, the bitterness, and anger-mingling chaotically together and casting a shadow over everything now, and no amount of effort seemed able to keep them in order.
So Blaine clung to the one thing that made sense to him, the only thing that managed to calm the chaos in his mind-Kurt. The very thought of the other boy made his lips quirk into a small smile, even now, in the darkened auditorium, while the tears slipped slowly down his heated cheeks and his breathing came in small gasps. Kurt shone through the bleak chaos like a lighthouse, guiding him into a safe harbor with his smiles and kisses and just him.
But even this train of thought was only a temporary distraction. Because no matter how much happiness and love Kurt gave him, he was never completely rid of the feeling that he did not deserve those things, that he did not deserve Kurt. So his mind was constantly questioning, constantly asking what he could do to make Kurt happy. It was this thought that fueled his optimism and pushed him to encourage Kurt to apply to NYADA regardless of the election results.
Blaine knew he would do almost anything for Kurt's happiness, to see the delighted smile and the confidence exuding from the other boy. This was what focused his mind, what tamed everything else running rampant in his brain. This thought was also what scared him the most, because what would happen when Kurt was no longer here? What would happen when he no longer had his one source of happiness, or the sole being that made his world make sense and guided his actions?
Nothing lasts forever.
I can't win...
I am lost...
I can't rest, I can't fight
"I can't wait to get out of here," Kurt said, coming to a stop next to Blaine's open locker. "Do you want to study here or at my place before dinner?"
Blaine stayed partially hidden by his locker, gripping his English textbook to stop his fingers from shaking. Keeping his emotions in check was getting harder and harder, and he wanted so much to be strong for Kurt. He closed his eyes, taking a slow breath in an effort to calm his panic.
"Blaine?" Kurt prodded. Blaine's eyes shot open, immediately seeing Kurt's concerned expression. Kurt's hand hovered over Blaine's forearm. "What's wrong?"
Blaine shook his head, trying to clear his mind and vision. He offered Kurt a smile.
"Blaine," Kurt chastised, dropping his hand. Blaine cringed at the disapproval before he grabbed the rest of his books and shut the locker door.
"Really, Kurt," Blaine tried to placate, keeping his voice even as he tucked all his books into his bag. "I'm just tired. Homework's been tough lately." Blaine felt Kurt's eyes on him and forced himself to look up, to not flinch.
"Homework never got to you before, even at Dalton," Kurt countered. Blaine's chest tightened and his heart pounded.
"Kurt," Blaine started, his tone pleading. He couldn't really lie to Kurt, but he couldn't tell him either. The quandary had the panic clenching at his throat and filling his eyes with tears. Kurt's hand found his arm this time, ignoring the other teenagers passing by.
"Blaine?" Kurt asked again, more concern than ever clouding his eyes. The comforting way Kurt slid his thumb along Blaine's inner arm almost had Blaine telling him everything. But Blaine kept silent and shifted his gaze away, glancing around the busy hallway. Kurt pulled his hand away and took a small step back. When Blaine returned his attention to the other boy, he smiled ruefully, knowing Kurt had misunderstood his actions but was so grateful that he did.
"I think I just need an early night," Blaine said, ignoring the way his voice cracked and the way Kurt continued to scrutinize him.
"You sure?" Kurt questioned quietly. Blaine nodded and stepped away from the locker. Kurt easily fell in step with him.
"Rain check on dinner?" Blaine inquired, wincing at the uncertainty he heard in his tone. Sparing a glance sideways revealed a still concerned Kurt watching him as they made their way down the hall.
"Of course," Kurt answered quickly, pushing the door open to the chilly outdoors. "Only next time, we have to go somewhere other than Breadstix"
"Of course," Blaine echoed Kurt's words, feeling a genuine smile grace his lips at Kurt's familiar sarcasm. Kurt returned the smile and finally turned his gaze forward. They headed the rest of the way to the parking lot in silence, Blaine's heart and mind momentarily calmed by Kurt's presence.
"Get some rest, okay?" Kurt ordered lightly once they reached their cars.
"I will," Blaine agreed, forcing a smile as the panic resurfaced.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Kurt said, though it came out more a question.
Kurt's question confused Blaine, but he quickly responded in what he was sure was an even tone, "Sure. Coffee as usual."
Kurt's expression turned sad, and Blaine reached for the other boy's hand. He squeezed Kurt's fingers briefly and offered a smile, hoping to clear away the sadness. Finally, Kurt sighed and smiled. This was good; this made sense. Comforting Kurt came naturally, and quieted whatever went on in Blaine's own mind.
"I love you," Blaine stated, squeezing Kurt's fingers again before letting go.
"I love you too." Kurt pulled his keys out his pocket, and with one last smile, he unlocked his car and got in. Blaine did the same, and watched Kurt pull out of his parking spot and drive out of sight before he closed his eyes against the chaos crawling back into his mind.
You wanna know how to make me smile...
Feel the heartbeat in my mind...
I felt your heart so close to mine...
Kurt groaned as he crawled onto his bed, slumping against the headboard. Having dinner with Rachel and Finn, without Blaine, had been one big pity party and had only made him feel more hopeless about his college plans. Blaine's optimism and encouragement always assuaged his fears, and Kurt had been keenly aware of the other boy's absence throughout the entire meal. The whole cheesecake they had shared for dessert only added to the misery he felt, as his stomach now clenching in protest painfully reminded him.
Pulling his cell from his pocket, Kurt's thumb hovered over the screen as he debated whether he should call Blaine or not. Their afternoon conversation had not only lacked their usual playfulness, but had left Kurt worrying about the other boy. They had even skipped any mention of their usual nightly call. Still, it was routine by now, and maybe Blaine had really been tired and preoccupied by his homework.
Kurt tapped the screen a couple times and held the phone to his ear.
"Hey," Blaine said cheerfully.
"Hey yourself," Kurt greeted back, keeping his tone light.
"How was dinner?"
"Ugh," Kurt groaned dramatically.
"That good?" Blaine asked teasingly.
"I wish you had been there," Kurt complained with a sigh.
"I'm sorry," Blaine apologized after a long pause.
"No, it's okay," Kurt countered quickly, disliking Blaine's sudden change in tone. "I shouldn't have said it like that."
"I'm still sorry," Blaine said earnestly.
"I know," Kurt empathized. Wanting to change the subject, he went on, "Guess how much cheesecake we had."
"A slice?" Blaine asked tentatively.
"Half a cheesecake?" When Kurt didn't answer, Blaine chuckled. "You had a whole cheesecake, didn't you?"
"Yes," Kurt admitted, feigning annoyance. "But the waiter wouldn't let us have two at the restaurant. And Finn ate half."
"Kurt," Blaine chastised with a laugh.
"I know," Kurt agreed, smiling at the other boy's amused tone.
"Does your stomach hurt?" Blaine asked sympathetically.
"Not too badly," Kurt answered with a sigh. "Will you still love me when I'm fat?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Blaine commanded humorously.
"You won't?" Kurt asked indignantly.
"I'd love you even more if you ever got fat," Blaine responded earnestly.
"Now who's being ridiculous?" Kurt shot back.
"Not ridiculous. Just realistic."
Silence hung between them for a long moment. Confused, Kurt replayed their conversation but before he could dwell on anything, he heard Blaine take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Kurt, every day I love you more."
"What did I do to deserve you?" Kurt marveled breathlessly, heart beating erratically as he smiled wistfully.
Blaine scoffed, then said soberly, "I should go."
"Okay," Kurt agreed reluctantly. Remembering their earlier conversation, he added, "You should definitely get some sleep."
"Yes," Blaine concurred.
"You're going to need it. Rachel's singing a solo tomorrow," Kurt teased, smile still in place.
"You are terrible," Blaine griped playfully.
"And yet you love me."
"I love you too," Kurt said after a beat, "you now that, right?" Blaine's hummed acknowledgement was not completely convincing, but Kurt let it slide, for now. "Goodnight, Blaine."
"Goodnight," Blaine echoed. A moment later, and just before Kurt pulled the phone completely away from his ear, he heard Blaine's voice, somber and loving, "my prince." He pressed the phone back to his ear just as he heard the click of the line disconnecting. With a sigh, Kurt tossed his phone on the bedspread, and heaved himself up to get ready for bed.
I will never make it by
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
As soon as Rachel and Finn sat down after her solo, the bell had rung. Blaine mumbled a hasty excuse to Kurt and hurried out of the choir room. He ducked into the library and headed to the farthest aisle, slumping against the wall. Dropping his bag, he slid down the wall and wrapped his arms around his legs. When his breathing refused to regulate, he laid his forehead against his knees and finally let the tears fall as reality pressed down on him. Blaine needed Kurt, needed the other boy's happiness and very being to keep his fears and doubts, anxiety, bitterness, and anger away. This reality was not something new to Blaine, but the idea of it had not overwhelmed him since Kurt's junior prom. Now, the idea of a future without Kurt stifled his breathing, had his heart pounding erratically, and his thoughts racing at all the possible ways he could scare Kurt away and what it would be like without the other boy.
The bell ringing for next period did nothing to alleviate Blaine's spiraling thoughts, as the tears continued uncontrollably and his breathing grew shallower.
Fag. Freak. He's leaving you. Terrified. Such a disappointment. Sloppy drunk. He's leaving you. Do better. Worthless. What's wrong with you? Cheater. He hates you. Cheap. Weak. He's leaving you. Pathetic. Unloved. Nothing.
His mind clouded and dimmed as the floor trembled underneath him. The rushing of a waterfall filled his ears, his thoughts screaming over the noise. He gripped his arms even tighter around his legs and wished with everything he had that he could stop thinking, or simply disappear
Maybe it's hard
When you feel like you're broken and scarred
Nothing feels right
But when you're with me
I'll make you believe
"Is everything okay?" Tina asked gently, sitting down in the just vacated seat next to Kurt. The other members of the glee club were gathering their belongings.
"I don't know," Kurt said slowly, casting a glance at the girl. Mike straddled a chair in front of the two, offering a sympathetic expression.
"Tina says he's been quiet in class lately," Mike supplied. Tina nodded when Kurt looked at her again.
"Do you want to come to History with me?" Tina offered. "If we catch him before class starts, I'm sure I can figure something out so he doesn't get in trouble for being late."
"I can cover for you in Physics," Mike added when Kurt looked doubtful.
Kurt took a deep breath and smiled gratefully, "I would appreciate that." Tina stood, tugging Kurt up and smiling encouragingly. The trio headed out of the choir room, Mike kissing Tina quickly on the cheek before he headed the other way down the hall.
Tina and Kurt made their way quickly to History, only to find the classroom absent of Blaine. After asking Tina about their research paper and remembering the past week, confusion gave way to worry and Kurt hastened back down the hallway.
Kurt ducked into the weight room just as the bell rang. A quick scan revealed no one in the room, and he let out a frustrated sigh. He slipped back out of the door and retraced his steps to check the choir room. Still no Blaine. Kurt pulled out his phone and typed a quick message to the other boy. No response came and after several minutes, Kurt again headed down the hallway. Worry quickened his stride, and he silently hoped he would find Blaine soon.
Kurt almost passed the library before he thought to check. He almost ducked in, but seeing the librarian sitting behind a large stack of books at her desk, he easily passed by her. He scanned aisles left and right as he walked further, coming to an abrupt halt when he found Blaine.
He opened his mouth to speak, but was rendered speechless when he looked closely at the boy-knuckles white from gripping arms so tightly, dark curls loose and haphazard, stifled sobs alternating with very shallow breathing, and legs and arms trembling against each other.
Kurt closed the distance between them with careful, but quick steps, dropping his bag and hat lightly onto the floor. He knelt down beside the distraught boy; Blaine's panicked breathing shaking his entire body.
"Blaine?" Kurt said softly, laying a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder. Blaine's muscles stiffened further, and his breathing seemed to stop entirely, though he kept his head down. Kurt laid his other hand over clenched fingers, soothing his palm over the tension he found there. "Breathe," Kurt encouraged, trying to calm his own racing heart. When Blaine still did not respond, Kurt leaned close and whispered, "Blaine, I need you to breathe. Breathe for me."
Another long moment and finally, Blaine took a shaky breath. Kurt sighed, relieved, when he heard and felt the action. Another breath, still shallow, but steadier than the last, had Kurt shifting positions so that his legs were no longer under him. Kurt soothed his hand over Blaine's again, this time slipping his fingers between the other boy's. Blaine released his hold on his arm and latched onto Kurt's fingers, still not looking up. Kurt moved his other hand comfortingly across Blaine's shoulders and nape.
"It's okay," Kurt consoled. "Just breathe." They stayed like that a several moments, the quiet punctuated by Blaine's unsteady breathing and Kurt's occasional encouragements.
When Blaine's breathing evened out, though it remained shaky, Kurt chanced sliding his fingers along the other boy's temple. He toyed with the curls there, hoping to soothe. Blaine remained silent and unmoving.
"Blaine?" Kurt prodded delicately. A shuddered breath out was his only answer. "I'm right here." Kurt squeezed Blaine's fingers to reinforce his words. "I'm not going anywhere." At those words, Blaine's head shot up. Blurry, shining, blood-shot eyes met Kurt's wide eyes.
"Oh, Blaine," Kurt said breathlessly, his chest tightening at the depth of sadness he saw in the other boy's eyes. Tears slipped over swollen eyelids and down already damp and pale cheeks. Kurt immediately pulled Blaine into his arms, leaning against the wall as Blaine fell against his chest, fingers twisting into the fabric of Kurt's shirt. Blaine's breathing grew ragged again as he alternatively gasped and gulped for air between his sobs, which he stifled by pressing his face into Kurt's shoulder.
Not wanting to set him off even more, Kurt kept quiet, choosing instead to run his hands over any part of Blaine he could reach in an effort to calm. They stayed like that for quite some time, Kurt's mind running through everything that had happened in the past week and struggling to find a way to make whatever was going on better for Blaine. The bell rang, conversation and footfalls filled the hallway, and the bell rang again. Still, Kurt held onto Blaine as the tears continued, and in this moment, Kurt could not care less about what cutting class would mean for his future. All he cared about was the broken boy in his arms.
"I love you," Kurt whispered solemnly. When Blaine sobbed harder, Kurt wrapped his arms tightly around him. "I love you," he repeated fervently. He craned his neck and pressed a kiss to Blaine's head, hair gel be damned. "I love you. And whatever it is, we will get through it together. I promise."
Kurt repeated the words over and over, occasionally loosening his embrace to run soothing fingers along Blaine's temple and over fingers still lost in fabric. He repeated the words as the librarian rolled her cart past the aisle, pausing only briefly to assess the situation. He repeated the words with a grateful smile when she returned and left two passes at the end of the aisle. And Kurt repeated the words until Blaine's sobs quieted and his breathing once again slowed.
And if I share my secret
You're gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this
"I love you," Kurt's voice jolted the swirling thoughts in Blaine's head to a stop, though they restarted their dizzying trajectory almost immediately. He couldn't stop the tears, and that only added to the jarring voices in his head. "I love you," Kurt's voice broke in again.
Kurt's voice came more frequently, and Blaine heard it echo through his mind, quieting the paralyzing thoughts and dissipating the fog. Finally, Blaine could hear Kurt clearly-the thoughts still present but tempered, his breathing calmer, and his tears now a trickle. He still clung desperately to Kurt, fingers cramping in the soft denim of the other boy's shirt but he dared not let go.
"You ready to talk?" Kurt asked gently. Blaine blinked, surprised by the bookshelf that greeted him until he remembered where they were. He's going to leave you. Blaine shook his head against Kurt's shoulder, taking in a shaky breath. Blaine watched Kurt's hand slide over his, allowing the other boy to slowly pry his fingers from their grip. Blaine closed his eyes with a sigh when Kurt rubbed his thumb over the sore joints and kissed each finger tenderly. Enjoy it while it lasts.
"Tell me what I can do. Please," Kurt implored, settling Blaine's hand back against his chest. Kurt shifted, and strong, but soothing fingers under his chin had Blaine tilting his head up. "What do you need?"
Blaine opened his eyes again, feeling more tears slipping down his cheeks. He's leaving you. Kurt's hand was suddenly warm against his face, his thumb delicately wiping Blaine's tears away and caressing his swollen eyelids.
"What can I do?" Kurt inquired again.
"I don't know," Blaine whispered desperately, voice hoarse. He doesn't love you. He's leaving you. More tears clouded his vision and he tried to look away from Kurt's intense gaze, but Kurt's fingers against his jaw stopped his retreat.
"It's okay," Kurt soothed, the hand at Blaine's back sliding up and down his spine. He pressed a brief kiss to Blaine's cheek and smiled encouragingly. The tears subsided once again. "I talked to Tina," Kurt prefaced gently. "She said your history paper's not due for two weeks."
Blaine managed to pull back this time, his thoughts suddenly raging inside his head. What's wrong with you? He hates you. He's leaving you. Blaine retreated further, his back against the bookshelf now, and wrapped his arms around his knees again. Kurt followed his movements, now sitting on his bent legs, but pulled his hand back before he touched Blaine. Blaine's eyes widened at the hesitation, tears again threatening. He hates you.
"I'm sorry," Blaine choked out, casting his eyes away as his chest tightened and his breathing hitched. Pathetic. Do better. "I'm sorry," he repeated in a tortured whisper. Kurt's sudden grip on his shoulders flung his attention back to the other boy.
"Blaine," Kurt said sternly, which only caused Blaine's tears to flow faster. Such a disappointment. He hates you. Kurt loosened his hold on the other boy and Blaine could not stand his suddenly rueful expression. He's leaving you.
"I'm sorry," Blaine echoed again. He hates you.
"Please stop apologizing," Kurt requested. "I'm not mad," Kurt added kindly.
"Why not?" Blaine posed breathlessly. Worthless. Weak. He hates you. He's leaving you.
"I'm not going anywhere," Kurt declared, startling Blaine out of his mental torture. "I'm just trying to understand what's going on." Blaine looked at Kurt for a long moment after that, waiting for the disdain and dismissal he knew would come when he failed to give him an answer. Surprisingly, neither came. Rather, Kurt moved to lean against the bookshelf next to Blaine and leaned his head against the other boy's shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere," Kurt repeated assuredly. They sat in silence for a few moments, their breathing unconsciously synchronizing and Blaine's internal voices weakening.
"How long?" Kurt inquired, head still resting on Blaine's shoulder.
"What?" Blaine asked, honestly confused.
"How long has whatever this is been going on?"
"For a while," Blaine answered honestly, ignoring the painful clench of his chest.
"Since before Christmas?" Kurt prodded. Blaine's voice failed again as his breathing shallowed. Kurt lifted his head, catching Blaine's eyes with his. "Breathe," he instructed. Blaine struggled to follow the directive, only taking a few seconds to regulate his breathing this time. Kurt continued, "It was the night of the holiday special, wasn't it?"
Blaine nodded, guilt overriding his thoughts. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see Kurt's disapproval, and tightened his arms around his legs, bracing for what he dreaded the most. He's going to leave you.
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars
Were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the end of the skies
Kurt watched Blaine close his eyes, his face and body tense and close off, and his torso tremble with silent gasps. He could not stand seeing his Blaine so fearful and anxious, and so unsure.
Mostly, Kurt loathed the idea of not seeing those eyes, their kindness and happiness the first thing that caught his attention when they had met over a year ago. The empathy he saw in those eyes led him to tell a boy he had known only a day all about the bullying. It was excitement dancing in those eyes that convinced Kurt to embrace life at Dalton and the Warblers. Those eyes held Kurt's heart despite his affection being unrequited, because Kurt knew what he saw even though Blaine did not. Those eyes told Kurt of Blaine's love more than any words could, and shared the boy's adoration and reverence for Kurt. They hinted at anger and hurt too, but more often confidence and deviance. More recently, Kurt had reveled in the lust found in those eyes. And Kurt could not stand seeing those eyes as they were now, filled only with doubt and sadness, and so often closed.
Kurt stretched up, brushing his lips across Blaine's forehead reverently, remembering all the insecurities they had ever mentioned.
"You are invaluable to me," Kurt whispered, his lips ghosting against skin. Blaine gasped, a tear slipping past his closed eyes as Kurt shifted to press a kiss to Blaine's temple.
"I'm not letting you go," Kurt said, sliding his hand up to cup Blaine's jaw for emphasis.
"You are perfect," Kurt whispered, kissing Blaine's cheek, tears wetting his lips.
"I am so proud of you." Lips ghosted across flesh to settle under Blaine's ear. Kurt's lips hovered against the sensitive skin, feeling Blaine's breathing stutter. "You deserve to be loved."
Kurt pulled back minutely, only to resettle his lips against the other boy's in a barely there kiss. His fingers languidly traced invisible patterns on Blaine's neck and jaw.
"You are loved," Kurt asserted before tilting his head to deepen the kiss, but only for a moment. His lips retraced their movements over Blaine's face, adding kisses to eyelids and cheekbones and jaw until the tears were gone. Kurt returned to Blaine's lips for a final loving touch.
"I love you," Kurt stated unequivocally.
Blaine's eyes opened, the lingering sadness and doubt giving way to a mix of amazement and adoration. Kurt smiled sincerely, hoping his expression reinforced his words.
Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, pressing his face against the crook of Kurt's neck. Kurt returned the embrace, shifting so that he could tighten his hold when he felt Blaine's breathing grow unsteady again.
They stayed wrapped in each other's arms for several long moments. Eventually, Blaine's breathing calmed and his tight hold on Kurt loosened. Kurt slowly ran his hands over Blaine's back and arms.
"I love you," Blaine said earnestly. Kurt hummed in acknowledgement, continuing to soothe his hands over the other boy's arms. Blaine sighed contentedly.
The final bell rang, pulling the boys out of their comfortable embrace. Blaine sighed, sitting up and rubbing his hands over his face and hair. Kurt stood, grabbing both their belongings and the passes. He reached a hand out to Blaine. Smiling bracingly, Blaine took the offered hand and stood. Handing over Blaine's school bag, Kurt stepped closer and straightened Blaine's bow.
"I wish you would tell me what's going on," Kurt ventured, occupying his hands with smoothing down Blaine's shirt and cardigan.
"I don't know if I can," Blaine revealed. Kurt's gaze flickered to Blaine's suddenly sad eyes.
"Don't be sad," Kurt begged, brushing his thumbs under Blaine's eyes. "But find someone you can tell, okay? It doesn't have to be me. Please?"
Blaine's eyes shimmered, but he nodded, his voice catching on his words, "I will."
"And tell me how I can help."
"You help," Blaine said sincerely.
"That's a bit vague," Kurt said, amusement coloring his tone. Kurt pressed a tender kiss to Blaine's lips. "How about that?"
"That helps." Blaine's lips quirked into a small, but genuine smile.
"And how about this?" Kurt asked, slipping his hand around Blaine's and squeezing lightly. Blaine looked down at their enmeshed fingers before returning his gaze to Kurt's hesitant smile.
"That definitely helps. More than you know," Blaine said sincerely.
"Good," Kurt said softly, smiling and led Blaine out of the aisle, through the halls, and out of the school, all the while holding his hand.
A/N: I feel like I should apologize: sorry for all the angst. But thanks for reading all the way through!