Title: Agent Elle
Disclaimer: Captain Fangirlhumper… err, J.K. Rowling owns the world the Harry Potter series takes place in. Wish the characters were mine so I could do utterly retarded things to them and watch my bank account get steadily larger, but sadly not mine.
Summary: Black suits? Check. Black Ray-Bans? Check. Neuralyzer? …well, they've got something close enough…
Joe's Note: Lexi and I have the strangest conversations about possible ideas for Harry Potter short fics. This was one that I came up with while waiting for my car to finish sucking the gas pump dry this afternoon.
Dedications & Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Timothy, Leigh, Noh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Judedeath, Ken, Thyatira, William, Wil, Thomas, Jack, Pat, Chris, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.
Letting out a ragged sigh, Hermione Granger watched as the last of the Death Eaters apparated away and then rose from where she was crouched behind her parents' Saab. Voldemort was dead. Officially, the war was over. This sort of thing wasn't supposed to happen anymore. And yet… it did. Looking around at the burning storefronts and pockmarked pavement still smoldering beneath guttering, unnaturally-colored flames, Hermione found herself intensely grateful that she'd made plans with her parents for the afternoon. Even with Harry now among their ranks, auror response time was still abysmal and she didn't even want to think about how much damage the five dark wizards would have caused if allowed to rampage unchecked. A soft pop off to her left had Hermione whirling as she brought her wand up to point at… "Luna?"
"Hullo." Well, the voice was right even if the person standing in front of her looked nothing like the Luna Lovegood that Hermione was used to. Instead of the clashing, mismatched assortment of muggle and wizarding clothes she generally preferred, Luna was wearing a crisp black suit and tie, a slick pair of black sunglasses hiding her eyes from view. Her normally wild hair had been braided and wound into a bun at the base of her skull, and her trademark homemade jewelry was nowhere to be found. The overall effect was a Luna that was so un-Luna it was… disconcerting. "Aren't you supposed to be enjoying an afternoon out with your parents?"
Oh. Right. Her parents. Hermione turned to look over at her parents and winced. Why did they never get to see the good side of the wizarding world? No, it was brawls in bookstores and spell fire in the middle of a London street. It was no wonder that they shied away from visiting Diagon Alley with her when she dropped by to stock up on supplies. "We were. And then… this." Luna let out a non-committal hum before drawing her wand, pressing the tip to her temple before flicking her wrist and sending a silver rabbit bounding away. A long and silent minute later, a half-dozen more figures in black suits appeared and began spreading out on the street. Hermione quickly recognized the familiar pattern of obliviation and false memory implantation, and shot a surprised look at the blonde. She'd initially written off Luna's unexpected and radical change in attire as the blonde deciding to embark on a whole new phase of strangeness, but if all of the obliviators were dressed like that… "Luna? What's going on?"
Raising a finger to her lips, Luna leaned in. "Shh! While we're on the clock, we're no longer part of the system. We're above the system. Over it. Beyond it. When I'm in the field, call me… Agent Elle."
Hermione stared at Luna incredulously for a few seconds and then buried her face in her hands. "I never should have taken you to see that movie. The first, second, third, or fourth time. Although I suppose you're not the only one to blame; you couldn't have turned the Obliviator Corps into the Men in Black without the rest of them agreeing to it." Behind her, her mother cleared her throat and Hermione looked back to find her mother standing there with one eyebrow raised. What? Her mother gestured to Luna and Hermione realized that while her parents had met Ron once and Harry a handful of times, they'd never met the friends she'd made in her later years at Hogwarts. Luna among them. "Oh! I'm sorry. Mum, Dad, this is… err, Agent Elle. She's an obliviator for the Ministry of Magic. She helps keep magic a secret after… well, things like this. Agent Elle, meet Ian and Jean Granger. My parents."
"Oh!" Perking up, Luna reached out and grabbed Jean's hand, shaking it enthusiastically before repeating the process with Ian. "I'm ever so glad to meet you. Hermione's told me so many things about you. Probably hasn't told you much about me yet, but that's okay. We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other over dinner tonight."
Ian and Jean looked at each other in confusion, no doubt wondering how this stranger knew about their dinner plans today and why she thought she'd be a part of them… but Hermione knew her apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. Suddenly the pieces clicked together in her mother's head and Jean looked over at Hermione with an unreadable expression. "…I thought you were dating that Ronald boy with the slightly slow father. Is there something you need to tell us, Hermione?"
Chuckling nervously, Hermione wrung her hands as she looked back and forth between her parents. "I just want to highlight the fact that I never technically lied to you. Like when we made plans for tonight, I told you that I wanted you to get to know 'my significant other' better. Or I've said things like 'my companion' or 'the person I'm dating'. You just assumed it was still Ron and I… never bothered to correct you." Her parents continued to stare at her until Hermione flinched and looked away, offering Luna the best puppy dog eyes she could manage. "I don't suppose you can wipe this memory from their head so we can try this again?"
"No, but we will be having a nice long talk about your not-lying when I get out of work. Speaking of work, though, I really ought to be doing it right now." Leaning in, Luna pressed her lips to the corner of Hermione's mouth. "See you in a few hours, luv." Pulling away, she darted in to surprise each of Hermione's parents with a hug before waving energetically and then disappearing with a pop. She appeared a few yards away down the street, quickly drawing her wand and going to work obliviating a couple who had witnessed Hermione's battle with the quintet of Death Eaters.
More hideously awkward silence followed Luna's departure and Hermione was seconds away from making some sort of excuse that would let her apparate away to regroup when her father blurted out a question she wouldn't have seen coming in a million years. "I just need to know one thing, sweetie. This girlfriend of yours. Luna. Elle. Whoever. She's not a Winchester Castle fan, is she?"
"Yes, Ian, because what football team our daughter's secret girlfriend supports is the most important thing right now."
"It is to me!"