A/N: Harry Potter is not mine. I just like to mess around with the characters.
I know I put this as a James/Sirius story, but it's more of a James/Sirius/Remus story with a side of Lily. I know I got a little off plot and long-winded in the middle, but I couldn't really figure out a way to cut it down. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Please let me know what you thought.
Fit Arms… Sparkly Eyes… Firm Ass… What's Not to Like?
"That stupid, arrogant, monkey-faced… stupid… prat!" James yelled angrily as he burst into the room, disturbing what had been a very rare period of relative silence in the 7th year Gryffindor boys' dorm room. Remus, sitting on his bed, was reading a book (presumably for fun, but it was hard to tell with a title like The Unabridged History of Potion Making in Southeastern Wales). Sirius, lounging on the floor, was moodily staring at a page in his Astronomy book, as though hoping he could magically make it disappear by glaring hard enough. Needless to say, he was disappointed. Peter, curled up in a ball on his bed, was snoring. He did not wake when James barged into the room. Speaking of the boy on a rampage, James stalked over to his bed, threw his bag violently on the ground, kicked it just as viciously under the bed, and flopped face-down on the mattress with his arms at his side.
Looking up at the racket, Sirius took in the sight of his friend laying prone on his bed and immediately decided to seize on the subject, despite the fact he had no idea what James was on about. Anything to get away from his reading. "You said stupid twice, mate. Gets a bit redundant. Why are you describing yourself anyway?"
James sent a hand gesture Sirius' way that would have earned him a double detention with McGonagall, which was impressive seeing as he had not moved from his face-down position on the bed.
Using his finger as a bookmark, Remus closed his book to look over at James. "Come on, James. What is this about?" he coaxed.
With a muffled groan, James rolled over, sat up, and opened his mouth to speak-
But Sirius cut him off, "Wait," he help up a hand, "Let me guess." He paused, thinking for a moment, "You… found out you are adopted, and your real mom is a troll."
Scoffing, James smiled very slightly before retorting, "If you really wanted to insult me, Padfoot, you would have said I found out I am really part of the Black family. There's nothing more horrifying than that."
Remus laughed while Sirius glared at his best friend, pretending to be upset. He couldn't quite manage it. Calming his laughing, Remus said, "No, no. That's not it. I say you ran into McGonagall, and she stripped you of Quidditch captainship to give it to McLaggen."
Both James and Sirius gasped in horror at the end of his pronouncement. Clutching his chest, James panted, "Are you trying to give me a heart attack, Moony?"
"McGonagall would never do that," Sirius reasoned, "She wants to win too badly. My turn. Ummm… You got in a duel with Snape… and lost."
James snorted, but smiled, saying, "Come on, Sirius. At least be realistic. One more guess."
Sirius and Remus glanced at each other for a moment, then said in unison, "Evans."
Visibly deflating, the smile melted off James' face, and he nodded.
Brow crinkling as he tried to remember, Sirius said, "Weren't you two studying, or something? How could that have gone wrong?"
Sighing slightly, James started his story, "We had just finished what I like to call our weekly 'James Helps Lily With Transfiguration Because He's Awesome At It and Wants Her to See That He's Smart Time'-"
"Or what I call 'James Stares at Lily, Hoping She Won't Notice and Hex His Face Off Time,'" Sirius interrupted.
Ignoring him, James continued, "-and Diggory-"
"I'm guessing he's the 'stupid, stupid prat,'" Sirius interjects again.
"-comes up to ask her a question about… something, I don't even remember… Charms, maybe? Anyway," he flapped his hand impatiently, "that's not important. What's important is that she started flirting with him!"
When neither Sirius nor Remus responded, James felt he had to reiterate, "Flirting! With him! Flipping her hair! Hanging on to every bloody word he said like he held the key to defeating Voldemort! Giggling! Why are you not more bothered by this?"
"Because we've heard this one before," Sirius said in a partially bored manner, "As much as I love hearing about Evans rejecting you; and I really do, it's quite amusing; at this point, I'd almost rather read this Astronomy book."
James blinked at him in confusion, temporarily forgetting his Evans dilemma, "Yeah. I meant to ask. Why, in the name of Merlin's suspenders, are you reading that? You never do homework."
Narrowing his eyes at Remus, Sirius growled, "Because he confiscated my Fanged Frisbee and won't give it back until I've read this book for an hour."
Smirking triumphantly, Remus pointed at Sirius and said, "You should probably get back to that. I stopped the clock when you looked up from the book at James' arrival."
Muttering about uppity werewolves, Sirius went back to his book. Turning to Remus, James brought the conversation back to his desired topic, nearly shouting, "Giggling!"
"We get it, man. She was flirting with Diggory," Remus said, reopening his book.
"Well… Why does she never flirt with me?" James asked, standing up to emphasize his point.
"Dunno. Never asked her," Remus answered, not bothering to look up from his book, "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you annoy her every chance you get. Diggory, however, does not."
"Pfft," James retorted, hand ruffling his hair in irritation, "She secretly likes my pestering. I can tell by the way her eyes twinkle. Besides, I haven't been as annoying this year." He was silent for a moment, then scowled and muttered, "Diggory's just a useless pretty boy. Maybe she likes the pretty boy type."
Sirius, one arm supporting him head, the other flipping pages in a bored manner said, "Well that can't be it, since you're rather pretty yourself, Prongs. Useless, as well, if I do say so myself. Why can't you get my Frisbee back? You're Head Boy after all. Doesn't that trump Remus' Prefectness?"
"Usually," James nodded, "but I agree with him on this. I hate that thing. It eats all of my quills… Did you mean what you said about me being pretty?"
"Yeah mate, very appealing," said Sirius, looking James up and down. "Nice shoulders… fit arms… sparkly eyes, when you're not pouting, anyway… firm ass… tight abs… roguishly messy hair… what's not to like?"
"And here I was thinking you were into girls. Now I see I've never been more wrong," Remus said drily, still not looking up from his book.
Ignoring James' laughter, Sirius rounded on Remus, pointing at him indignantly, "Just because I'm as straight as they come doesn't mean I'm blind. I know enough to tell when another man is sexy."
"Aw. Thanks, love," James said cheekily. "I didn't know you cared."
"Anytime babe," Sirius replied with a wink in James' direction.
Turning back to Remus, he continued, "I was going to tell you that you have dreamy brown eyes and your lips are something fine… but I guess you don't want to hear what I have to say."
Remus rolled his eyes, "I'd rather hear you reading that book."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"It doesn't matter, you still have another 10 minutes," Remus said, snapping his fingers and pointing at the book. "Hop to it, Padfoot."
"Dogs don't hop. That's more of a rabbit thing," Sirius retorted haughtily, but directed his attention back to the page he was on nonetheless.
Ignoring the exchange of his friends, James got right back to his problem: "What am I going to do? I can't compete with Diggory. He's practically Mr. Perfect." He began pacing back and forth in front of his bed looking slightly manic. "There's no way I can make him look bad in her eyes. I'll just have to figure out a way to make myself look better," he muttered to himself. "I need a plan."
"And I'm sure it will be successful…" Remus said with an air that indicated they had had this conversation multiple times in the past. "Like all your other plans," he added under his breath.
Looking up from his reading again, Sirius watched his friend's pacing like it was a thousand times more interesting than the book in front of him. Admittedly, it probably was. "Just be yourself. Her opinion of you had already increased exponentially since the beginning of the year. You don't want to mess that up with another of your poorly developed and executed plans. Right, Pete?"
The three of them looked over to Peter's bed expectantly. They got no answer. "Peter?" Sirius tried again, "Wormy?" His efforts were rewarded with a particularly loud snore.
"See? Peter agrees with me," Sirius told James, as though that settled the matter.
"Sometimes the conclusions you come to worry me," Remus shook his head.
Sitting down on his bed and slumping against one of the posts to he could face Sirius who was still on the floor, James ran his fingers through his hair thoughtfully, "How is being myself going to help me? I've been myself for the last six years. It hasn't done anything for me yet."
"Where's the confident James Potter we know and love?" Sirius demanded. "This insecure crap has got to stop man! Evans doesn't entirely know the real you yet. You've only been the real you around her for the last couple months. She's only just getting used to what we've known all along. Evans will love you in no time."
James considered Sirius for a minute, then said, "If I've learned anything from being your friend it's that I can't always trust a face as gorgeous as yours."
Sirius gestured his arms indignantly and sighed exasperatedly, "One time! One time and you won't let me forget it! How was I supposed to know that when McGonagall asked, 'Where's Potter? He's in deep trouble,' she was going to give you a detention? That was five years ago man, let it go already!"
As Sirius ranted, James turned to Remus with a questioning glance. Waiting patiently for Sirius to finish his tirade, he looked James in the eyes and said seriously, "I know I don't say this often, so take that to mean it is doubly true. I agree with Sirius."
The room was silent for a moment, then Sirius registered what he said. Switching from glaring at James to staring at Remus blankly, he said, "Sorry, what?"
Rolling his eyes at Sirius, Remus addressed James, "Just act normally. Lily will come around eventually."
When James continued to look skeptical and Sirius kept staring at him with his mouth agape, Remus sighed, "Did Diggory ask her out?"
"Yes," James glared at his bed post, as though it had been the one to ask Lily out, "I wanted to punch him in the face."
Sirius nodded in agreement, "Understandable."
"Did she say 'Yes' to Diggory?" Remus continued.
James' eyebrows came together as the thought about his answer. "No… She said she had to write to her mother," he said slowly after a pause. "How long could that take though? Does she write novel length letters?"
Remus shook his head in exasperation and explained, "No. That was just her excuse so she could let him down easy." When James continued to look confused, he added, "Besides, you've stalked her enough to know that she writes to her mother on the first of every month. That was yesterday. She won't write again for another month. When did he as her out for?"
"Next Sunday. And I don't stalk her."
He ignored the denial. "See? She lied. You've still got a chance," said Remus reasonably getting up from his bed. Looking down at Sirius, he added, "Time's up. Let's go eat." Bounding up, like he was finally done with a prison sentence, Sirius joyfully shut his book. He moved over to Peter's bed, flicked his ear, and watched in amusement as Peter fell off the bed in surprise.
"Really?" James asked, half disbelievingly, half hopeful.
"Yeah, mate," Sirius confirmed, clapping James on the shoulder. "Who could say 'No' to that smile of yours?"
James laughed and smiled for a second, but the next moment a concerned frown had taken its place. "Evans. That's who," he said cheerlessly.
Remus, who was walking toward the door, turned and said, "Cheer up, Prongs. We do know one thing for sure."
"What's that Moony?"
He gave them an uncharacteristically cheeky grin and replied, "If Evans won't go out with you, there's always Sirius."
He ducked behind the door as a pillow was hurled at his head, and they heard him laughing all the way to the common room.
Blinking the sleep from his eyes, Peter looked at Sirius and James in a confused manner, "I missed something, didn't I?"
A/N: Did you like it? Let me know please.