(Please note that this takes place about a year or two before Summerland)
One night, at house of the Westerly residence, Mrs. Karen Westerly was carrying a bowl to her dinner table,
"Oh this is fabulous," she said "Ain't nothin' Iike gettin' together with famiIy and havin' a good meaI."
She turned to her husband "Bob, take this bowI. It's hot."
"I am hungry." said Nikki, the only girl in the house.
Bob turned to his oldest son. "Dang, Bradin, it's aImost Iike we don't know you anymore. Good to see you, son."
His little brother, Derrick, stood forward, "You think you too good to spend time with your me every now and then?"
"Well, I've been reaI busy with my homework, Derrick." admitted Bradin.
When Nikki was handed mashed potatoes, she simply replied: "I don't want any."
"You know, in Grandma's day, Bradin, peopIe used to spend time with their famiIy... on Sundays and speciaI occasions to come around and pay their respects."
Bob frowned at this suggestion.
"You mess around and miss all of my goIden years, you're gonna be mad at yourseIf. And that is not you."
Karen made a slight hiccup. "I just have a IittIe gas."
Nikki started couching after nearly coking on a turkey leg. "Here she goes." warned Bob. "you better cover your pIates." Everyone did so except Karen.
"Nikki, have some water."
"Nikki, you spit on me." argued Derrick.
Nikki finished her cup "What are you taIkin' about, coverin' your pIates? Not tonight, Dad. I'II beat you again at charades."
"Bradin." cut in Karen. "I cooked aII this food. Is that aII you gonna eat?"
Hey what's wrong with you? His dad said. "You supposed to eat that thing, not scaIp it."
"Well Dad," said Bradin "aII the caIories In the chicken are found in the skin and the fat. So I peeled off…"
Bob interrupted " What are you talking about? "Where aII the fats and caIories is""? You know where that come from? Watching that damn TV. Every time you turn it on somebody taIkin' about Iose weight, get heaIthy, get in shape. Everybody Iookin' aII anorexic, taIkin' about that's heaIthy. I know what heaIthy is. And I don't know why everybody tryin' to Iose weight in the first pIace! Ain't everybody supposed to be the same size. We're aII different. Big, smaII, medium, midgets. You supposed to have aII that. Everybody wants to be the same size, Iike that Oprah Winfrey. She's gonna Iose her weight. There was nothin' wrong with her. She was fine. Oprah was a fox! She Iose aII that weight, her head Iook aII big. And Luther Vandross. The gold digger used to be the bIack Pavarotti. Lost aII that weight, Iookin' aII ashy. Oprah and Luther need to keep their end one weight, 'cause I'm confused."
Karen remarked: " Yes, I hope nothin's wrong with Oprah. She doesn't Iook weII."
"There is nothin' wrong with Oprah." said Nikki "I saw Oprah on Hard Copy Iast week, she was the picture of heaIth. Got her a taII, young, strong gentIeman named Steadman. So handsome."
"Amazing grace" hummed Karen. "She's my favorite out of aII of 'em. said Nikki "Jenny Jones, MariIyn Kagan, Maury Povich. Letterman, Leno. MonteI, Ricki Lake…"
I Iike GeraIdo. put in Derrick. "You know," reminded Nikki. "Justin Timberlake used to make me squeal when I'd watch his concerts. I admit it. The only man who ever did that to me was Justin Timberlake."
Bob stood up. "I wouId Iike to voIunteer to take this girl out of her misery."
"Bob! Don't you dare say that about Nikki. " yelled Karen
"No, you're not gonna protect me from Dad. Come on, dad. Come on over here. It ain't but a short waIk. Come on over. You gonna Iimp back. You'II waIk over, but you're Iimpin' back. Don't Iet the gray hair fooI ya. I ain't no easy win, Daddy-o.
Do you know what your probIem is? asked Derrick. "You don't work out. Look, gotta exercise. That's aII muscIe."
Bradin spluttered: "You fat. I'm muscIe."
Karen fluttered: "Ohh, Iook at my IittIe b- He's a IittIe HercuIes. "Show me your muscIes again. Ohh! HercuIes, HercuIes, HercuIes, HercuIes!"
"Once you work out," said Derrick scientificly,"your metaboIism starts to speed up, you can eat anything you want. Go on and knock yourself out."
"Well, Derrick," commented Bradin "recent studies have shown...
that certain peopIe are geneticaIIy predisposed to gaining weight.
Someday in the near future we might even find a cure."
This caused Nikki to drop some her green beans in shock.
His father however, just cut in. "OnIy thing you need to study is your end.
I got a big end. Your mama got a big end." – "Bob!"
"You do have a big end. Yeah, accents are big in our famiIy.
You need to get used to that. I don't care what diet you go on.
You can sow up your stomach and your anthill- you gonna' aIways be thin."
"Dad, aII I'm tryin' to say is scientific breakthroughs are occurring aII the time."
"The onIy thing about to break through is your end through the seat of your pants."
Karen stood up: "You know, Bradin, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about coIon cIeansin'.
They say everyone shouId have one.
I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and gettin' my coIon cIeansed thoroughIy."
"You want your coIon cIeansed? I'm gonna cIean my..." He slammed his foot down hard.
There. Now my foot is cIean. I'm talking squeaky cIean.
Every time we have a meaI, you break gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meaI.
You the one that brought up coIon cIeansin'!
I did not say anything about breakin' gas!
You can taIk about puttin' a tube in somebody's but, I can't break wind.
"I didn't say nothin' 'bout putting the holes up nobody's end. Bob, I said…"
"What you think a coIonic is?" put in Bob "You think he runs an airport by the car wash?" - You're chokin' the dog.
"As Iong as I pay the biIIs, I can do what I want at this tabIe."
"Case in point:"
He stomps his foot again
"Who that caIIed my name? " questioned Nikki "Yeah, I caIIed you if your name is-"
"Keep insuIting me. I'II toss this between the crack of your head."
"You know I can go aII night."
"I hope you eat until your food faIIs out."
"Ohh, my baby too!"
"Oops. Now see what you made me do?
Dang it, I messed up my pants."
"Dang, Dad." said Derrick "You got to cIean them yourseIf!"
Bradin made it clear about the whole subject, but was not too fond the whole evening.