Yeah, so I wrote these one night in the delirium of college reading assignments for the Polka-Dotted Sock, and she wanted them published here in essay format. Keep in mind some of these (most of these… all of these…) are complete crack. Here it goes…

Disclaimer: I do not own the series known as D. Gray-man or the characters. If did I would know why the series has that title, which I don't, and many of these theories would be null and void because they are extremely silly.

A Troller's Top Ten D. Gray-man Conspiracy Theories to Spread On Online Forums:

1. Kanda is a cross-dresser. He really is a woman.

He's been called a woman so many times already, and considering he came back from the dead it is entirely possible that he could now be a woman. Alma came back as a man, so it's very possible for Kanda to come back as a woman. Also consider the fact that his mood swings are suddenly less moody (unless he's drunk…), and that odd captivating stare he gave Allen at the beginning of chapter 211… I've heard of Boy's Love before, but I honestly thought the cannon was KandaxAlma. Plus consider the number of times the guy is mistaken as a woman. I'm pretty sure most of my friends before reading the series thought Kanda was a woman after seeing only his picture.

2. Komui has a workhouse full of small orphans building his stupid robots.

He's had so many! He can't seriously be building those giant robots all by himself. Plus this is the nineteenth century! How are there robots and robotic Akuma when there are no cars, modern medicine, spaceships, or airplanes? I'm pretty sure the modern medicine would take priority over the robots. But then again, Komui is just insane, so he probably does not have any moral issues with forcing orphans to build his robots so he can get coffee from Lenalee.

3. Apocryphos just a giant Pacman.

He wants to eat Allen's innocence so that he can "protect the heart." That means he wants to eat Allen considering his innocence is part of his body. And it isn't just his arm anymore. Some of it is covering that hole in his heart too. The only way that can happen is if his mouth expands widely and he engulfs Allen whole.

4. The pope's plan is to have Apocryphos eat all the Innocence (I've been enjoying this innuendo in the series- can't imagine how that went down in the Funimation recording studio xD) so that he becomes really giant and then just drop it on the Millennium Earl. That should show him!

This relates to the Pacman theory of number 3. He's something that's made of innocence so it's likely that he feels an attachment to every piece. Considering how heavy most of the weapons are (eg. Lenalee's boots, Kanda's sword, Lavi's hammer- sometimes) this would make him a fantastically heavy object made of the light matter. The Noahs and the Akuma are made of dark matter, so it stands to reason the Earl is made of dark matter too. Since he seems to be abnormally fast for a guy his weight (unless it's a helium suit that he lets air out of to escape- now we're starting to make sense!) the best course of action is to drop something very large and very heavy on top of him. Thus the pope's plan is to have Apocryphos eat Allen so the other exorcists go after him. Then he'll eat all of their innocence too and become a giant block of innocence- the perfect weapon. As for the name of innocence, considering the innuendos it was bound to create, why was the word not translated into a cooler weapon sounding word? And anyone who has watched the Ouran bloopers can tell you how a certain Travis Willingham acts in the recording both sometimes…

5. Allen is Edward Elric in another life.

Don't tell me that no one else saw this coming. Just look at the two. Allen has a strange left arm. Edward has a strange left arm. Allen tried to bring a parent back from the dead. Edward tried to bring a parent back from the dead. Allen failed and got cursed. Edward failed and got cursed. Allen is on a mission to right his wrongs to atone with dead parental figure. Edward is on a journey to try to atone for his past sins. Allen is a child prodigy exorcist. Edward is a child prodigy alchemist. Allen has a teacher who kicks his butt. Edward has a teacher that hands his ass to him. Allen joins a fighting institution. Edward joins a fighting institution. Both have issues with a character voiced by Travis Willingham (sorry Travis). Both have abnormally large appetites. Both are short at the beginning. Both are fifteen years old. Both have a romantic interest who wears really short skirts. I'm just waiting for Alphonse to fall out of the sky and land on Allen at this point. Allen has no idea where he came from, so obviously Edward Elric fell through a vortex that shoved him into a another world and thus he began his life as Allen Walker.

6. Allen is the love child of the 14th and Road. Ew...

I actually saw this on a forum the other day… nearly died laughing. Anyhow there was that really dramatic scene in one of the more recent chapters where Lord Camelot (can't seem to recall his first name) is having someone beat up Lavi so Bookman will tell him what was the nature of the relationship between the 14th and Road (poor Lavi! Hang in there!) Bookman is holding out, so it must have been something rather intimate. The only conclusion that I can come up with is that Road was in love with the 14th. It has been said somewhere that Road can't remember almost anything about him, but the way she acts towards Allen who is the 14th reincarnated suggests that they may have been in some type of physical relationship. Considering that Allen being Edward Elric would be copyright infringement, the conclusion is that Allen is the son of the 14th and Road. This would explain why Allen and not some random drunken bum who was around when Neah died. One of the Noah took the baby away and wiped Road's memory and stuck him through one of the ark doors that accidentally placed him in the future.

7. Bookman is 7000 years old and knows everything about the past, so he knows how to stop the Earl but just won't tell anyone until he gets a pet panda.

This is quite possible. We know nothing about Bookman and he is so old that he has age spots around his eyes. There's a good chance that he's 7000 years old just like the Earl. That means he knows how everything went down the first time, so he knows what the solution to the current situation should be. However, he is a Bookman and doesn't pick sides. But one must also consider his soft side for Lavi no matter how much the kid annoys him. And what does Lavi call him that Bookman hates? Panda. The panda is the key to everything. Not only does Bookman appear in a couple panels dressed like a panda, but Lavi calls him old panda. This gets him really ticked off. Why might you ask? It's because he just really wants a panda. If they Order would just put a crowbar in their wallets and buy the guy a panda, he might be willing to bend the Bookman rules and tell them how to defeat the Earl and the Noahs.

8. The Noahs are mad because they aren't really Noah's "chosen ones". They really just have the mark of Cain and feel self conscious about it, so they make their robots with even sillier looking marks.

Okay, so for those who have read the Bible, you might be familiar with the story of Cain and Abel. It's in Genesis so I think it should be familiar to most people with a general knowledge on holy books. Anyhow after Cain kills Abel he gets this cursed mark on his forehead. That's right, his forehead, just like the Noahs. This mark keeps people from harming him as he wanders out in the desert cursed by God, and I think all of his descendents were supposed to have it too (I'm a bit rusty on that part). The Noah can't die so there's a good chance that their forehead marking is the mark of Cain. People in history who had strange marks on their foreheads were considered cursed by other people and were said to have "Cain's mark". Obviously after being reincarnated a couple times the Noah must have been getting tired of being ridiculed for those marks. To make themselves feel better they decided that their unfortunate creations- Akuma- would have to look even more ridiculous than they did. That's why their masks are painted all funny and have stars on their foreheads.

8.5. If an Akuma were to make a noise it would sound like a charging bull.

Please don't tell me I'm the only one who has ever thought of this. I mean, come one guys, some of them have horns! What would be more intimidating than to be walking down the bustling street of some nineteenth century village only to hear the noise of charging bulls coming from the sky and to look up and see flying robots with horns? I'd be scared to pieces!

9. Cross is Lavi from the future.

I know this one sounds weird, but hear it out. It's excellent trolling material and could possibly be true. Take a look at Lavi. He has red hair and an eye-patch over his right eye. Now take a look at General Cross. He has red hair and we've never seen his right eye! I don't think it's some mere coincidence that two red-heads in the same series have not shown anyone the right side of their face. General Cross is obviously a time traveler from a terrible future who is doing everything he can to protect his friends while trying to stop the Earl.

10. If 9 is true, then Lenalee is Maria. (so much Lavi/Lenalee shipping in the anime)

My main support for this is the Lavi/Lenalee shipping that goes on as stated in the parentheses. The idea is that Maria is probably not just any woman. She was most likely someone that General Cross cared for, otherwise he would not be enchanting her dead corpse and using her innocence powers. Since Lavi seems to care for Lenalee greatly and no one has seen Maria's face, that means that Cross/Lavi is trying to hide Maria's identity because she's someone that everyone already knows. Maria is a parasite type which seems to be closely related to the crystalline form, therefore Lenalee is the only possible person who can fit all of these requirements.

There you go guys. Use them as you will. Use them as trolls or if you found any of them interesting then use them as actual discussions. Maybe I'll recognize them on a forum someday. xD But seriously this story is not meant to insult the series. Just a product of an over exhausted mind and an underutilized imagination. Believe me, it's easier to make fun of something you like. ;)

The Invisible Sock

P.S. Reviews are nice. :3