Title: Intimate Introduction to Human Sexuality (Sherlock Style)
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock, and I do not make any money from this fanwork.
Summary: Sherlock wants John. John wants Sherlock (to stop with the bad puns).
"I want to fuck you," Sherlock says conversationally over tea one morning.
John carefully lets go of his mug, settling his hands in his lap. Really, it is a good thing he wasn't taking a sip at the time.
"Come again?" John replies, opening his newspaper and flipping to the crime section.
"I want to fuck you," Sherlock repeats, an annoyed frown tugging at his lips. "I know you heard me the first time, John. Otherwise you would have taken a sip of your tea. But you think this conversation will be odd, so you decided not to risk it."
John frowns down at the newspaper. Sherlock must be bored again - it has been nearly 6 days since he solved the case of the 500,000 quid goose (it swallowed a really expensive jewel). Unfortunately, the paper does not seem to be providing any good mysteries this morning.
"John, do not make me repeat myself again. I know you heard me. You are sexually attracted to me. What is the issue?" Sherlock asks.
And yes, the great detective is pouting. John doesn't mention it, though. It will just send Sherlock further into a sulk.
"The problem is that sex complicates things. We're flatmates and friends, Sherlock. Really, leave it at that. If you want to have sex so badly, go pull at a pub. Keep your mouth shut for five minutes and it should be easy enough," John replies.
An almost hurt look flashes across Sherlock's face, but his expression smoothes out so quickly John almost thinks he imagined it.
"You are suggesting I have my first sexual experience with a stranger I meet at a pub?" Sherlock questions, voice even and expression blank.
Sherlock is serious.
John closes the newspaper and sets it aside.
"Where is this coming from, Sherlock? I always thought you were asexual - and quite happily so. To be honest, I really didn't think it was much my business," John responds.
"Just because I am celibate does not mean I do not feel sexual attraction," Sherlock states. "It has recently come to my attention that it might be useful to The Work to be intimately familiar with the mechanics of human sexuality. I trust you to initiate me into such acts, in a way I do not believe I could trust anyone else."
"Manipulative bastard," John mumbles, shaking his head in fond exasperation. "Are you going to make me regret this?"
"Of course not," his friend replies, standing up and letting his blue dressing gown fall to the floor.
He is naked underneath.
"Christ, the things you get me into," John murmurs, standing up and heading towards his own bedroom - god knows the last time Sherlock changed his sheets.
"I'm not getting you into anything - I just want to get into you," Sherlock answers, trailing after him.
"Please, please, please - leave the innuendo out of it," John says. "You're going to put me off."
"No, John. I'm going to get you off," his friend whispers lowly in his ear, pressing his naked front against John's back.
John just keeps walking.
"I can still change my mind, you know," he threatens - though they both know he won't.
He can practically feel Sherlock grinning behind him. Really, sometimes John wonders how someone as crazy as Sherlock exists.
"Excellent," Sherlock replies. "After I fuck you, we should start systematically attempting the acts on my list."
"List? What list?" John asks, trying to keep his voice level as he enters his bedroom and takes his own dressing gown off. He's wearing pants underneath, but they are easy enough to slip off.
"We should start with the handcuffs. I swiped a pair from Lestrade last week," his friend responds, stepping forward to push John down on the bed.
Well, hopefully this list will keep Sherlock entertained enough that he stops shooting the walls. Mrs. Hudson will appreciate that, at least.
It doesn't hurt that Sherlock is unaccountably talented with his tongue.