Warning: This fanfiction contains explicit material, that includes sex, drugs, incest, various fetishes, gore, blood drinking, serial killers' inner monologue, furries, incest, heads being cut off, guns, crack babies, talking animals, and various other magical creatures engaging in sexual acts. The writer often breaks the fourth wall. Please read at your own risk. However, the content of this fanfiction is intended for satire only, not for you to fap to. But if you insist on fapping to some of the texts, do as you wish, the writer does not give a fuck but they will not be responsible for any damage done to your genitals due to excessive fapping after or while reading this fanfiction. Please wash your hands thoroughly before you start typing your angry comments.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters. They belong to Toboso Yana.
ROMAN'S REVENGE CH 1
SOME FUCKING MAJOR ART
for fetus, with love. :)
WE WILL FUCK YOU UP BITCH is spray-painted in red on a temporary wall for a reconstruction site. Some dude takes a picture of it with his camera phone as Ciel passes by. Ciel is carrying his gigantic drawing pad that is twice the size of himself all the way across campus. It is his own damn fault really. He could have purchased the material over the weekend and stored it in his locker inside the art building; instead, he waited till the last minute to do it. It also sucks that it's drizzling today. All the girls are wearing their fancy rain boots that they got from Megalomart. A girl passes by and smiles at Ciel with much friendliness, probably notbecause Ciel is so hot and kawaii, and that the girl is head over toe in love with him at first sight – it was probably because the girl is super nice and Christian.
"Did you fucking see that?" Georgiana asks, outraged.
"Nope, don't care." Ciel replies briefly, sort of expecting what is going to come out of Georgiana's mouth next.
"Houndstooth. She is wearing cheap ass printed houndstooth rain boots WITHOUT MAKEUP!" Georgiana barks.
"So what? She can wear whatever the fuck she wants, G. It's none of your business."
"No one should ever wear houndstooth without lipstick – I mean, if you are blonde then maybe you can pass with a neutral pink lipstick. But brunettes look best with red lipstick when they are in houndstooth. Not to mention that the pattern should never be distorted when printed on something. It's just in bad taste really. Seriously, did you even see her rain boots? It's just printed. So cheap! I saw Lady GaGa's houndstooth look the other day, she pulled it off quite well with her blonde wig..."
"You are a fucking poodle."
"I am, Ciel. There is no doubt about it."
"You don't even have lips. So why the fuck do you care about lipsticks?"
"Because I can turn into human at will." Georgiana looks up at Ciel and opens her mouth to make a noise that irritates Ciel so much that he flinches. "DUH!"
Ciel rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh of annoyance as Georgiana keeps babbling on about the rules for wearing houndstooth until they reach the art building and Georgiana has to go to her art history class in the auditorium.
Ciel walks toward the elevator, but contemplated over using the stairwells. He could use some working out, but he's not in the mood. Then again, when was he ever in the mood? "I am such a fucking lazy bastard." Ciel thinks to himself as he pushes the button for the second floor. The door opens and Ciel is greeted by his drawing professor. John is forty something years old and very energetic but a bit cynical. He is also a very good drawing professor.
"Hel-lo." John says in his cheery sort of voice.
"How are you, John?"
"Doing good. Look, I need to go get something, I will be back in ten minutes. If someone comes in looking for me, it's the model, just tell him to sit down and wait for me. OK?" John winks, making the OK sign with his right hand.
"OK, got it." Ciel assures his professor as the elevator closes again.
The classroom is a bit empty. Two girls are sitting in the corner, talking about their boyfriends. One of them have big tits and blonde hair, but she was kinda fat. The other one has messy hair but a really nice body. Either way, Ciel cannot care less, since he finds no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex. Ignoring the two girls, Ciel drags his drawing pad to a nearby easel and puts it up, setting it straight.
"Excuse me, is this John de Mingo's class?" A slender, six foot tall, absolutely sexy, drop dead gorgeous man with silky black hair asks. Oh, not to mention his eyes, so fucking sexy and red.
"Er... yes. Are you the model?" Ciel takes him in, not exactly comfortable with the tall man towering over him.
"Yes. Nice to meet you, my name is Sebastian." The man named Sebastian offers his hand. Ciel does not want to shake it, since he detests body contacts in general. Sebastian notices as Ciel stares at his hand.
"Sorry. Old habit, germophobic. Nothing against you personally. I am Ciel."
"What a nice name. It means sky in French, am I correct?" Sebastian says friendlily, trying to start a conversation.
"Yeah... look man, I am a student here, and I am going to draw you, naked, in like, 10 minutes." Ciel tries to talk in this teenage-ish way that American teenagers do, but fails miserably as his British accent creeps in. But nonetheless he keeps talking. "As an artist I am just not comfortable with getting to know my models. Again, nothing against you, just–"
"I completely understand." Sebastian says politely, then sits down in a nearby chair as he waits for John.
Students start filling up the room as it gets closer to one o'clock. Finally the bell from the clock tower rings proudly in the school anthem tune and everyone is ready with their supplies next to their easels. John makes a dramatic entrance as he always does and announces the objectives of today's class. He briefly introduces Sebastian, who is sitting on the podium only with a black silk robe covering his sexy, hot body.
John starts talking to Sebastian of the poses that he wants him to make. The class starts getting noisy as girls whisper to each other about how hot they think Sebastian is. Ciel is unfortunately the 1% in the classroom. Not many guys major in art, and the ones that do are not in Ciel's class. Ciel messes with his charcoal and scribble nonsensical shit on his drawing pad.
"Alright, we are going to do some gesture drawings at first. Get your charcoal ready, I want to hear charcoal scratching on your paper. Chop chop." John waves his hand in the air and everyone opens up their pads and started drawing. Ciel looks around the room, a few girls' jaw dropped open as Sebastian's robe fell down to the floor. Is it possible that someone can have the physique of a Greek statue? That is probably the question in most of the girls' minds. Sebastian stands like a sex god on the podium, some girls are having a hard time concentrating. Sebastian is told to change poses every twenty seconds or so, and everyone in the room are too damn busy staring at his perfect body to draw anything. John seems almost oblivious as he fidgets with the music on his iTunes, trying to figure out which Johnny Cash song he wants to listen to today.
Ciel finds this whole scene quite humorous, but he suppresses his giggles. Sebastian looks at him, and Ciel stares back indignantly, almost trying to convey the message "You have a bigger penis, so what?" Inside their minds, both of them can feel a mysterious external force strongly wanting the both of them to fuck each other senseless right then and there in front of everyone, on the podium... what sort of abominable idea is this? Is there any sexual tension between him and Sebastian? No, absolutely none. Sebastian has a really nice dick, but Ciel does not like sucking dicks. Uh-uh. No way. Ciel shakes his head a few times, and the strange feeling subdues. Sebastian changes pose again.
The rest of the class is just as boring as usual. After doing 20 gesture drawings, John wants Sebastian to sit down in a comfortable pose that he is going to be staying in for thirty minutes... then everyone takes a break... and then resumes drawing. When the clock strikes 5 p.m. and the tower rings five times, everyone is already ready to leave. John likes to let everyone go on time because he is an awesome prof.
As if some external force that is controlling this shenanigan of a story is creeping into his bones, Ciel walks up to Sebastian as he finishes putting his pants back on.
"So er... would you like to grab something to eat together? I heard there's a sandwich place that's pretty good down at 14th street."
"Would you like to try something else afterwards?" Sebastian suggested coyly, compelled to make a sexual innuendo by the same force that is controlling Ciel's actions.
"Nevermind, let's go." Sebastian opens the door for Ciel.
"I keep getting the feeling that I am forgetting someone or something." Ciel mumbles under his own breath.
The bus arrives and they got a pretty decent seat at the back. A homeless person is dosing off in the corner.
"So what do you do?"
"What kind of contracts? You mean like a lawyer?" Ciel asks, confused.
"Oh, I mean... yeah, I am actually just a business major here, forget what I said earlier."
"OK." Ciel says and continue to stare at the floor, he really isn't that interested.
"What's your major?" Sebastian asks in return.
"Oh, I see. What kind of art are you into?" Sebastian sounds a bit interested, but Ciel thinks that he is only faking it. There's something about those eyes. They speak of a void existence.
"Painting, mostly." Ciel answers briefly, looking at the pink and orange gradient across the horizon. The sun is setting... Ciel feels a bit sleepy. When he wakes again, they are already on 14th street and Sebastian urges him to get off the bus.
"Something tells me that you should be majoring in demonology or some weird shit like that." Ciel comments.
"Yeah? Well I am not into any of that... not really." Sebastian sounds distant, as if he's thinking of something very very far away... something far far away... where Shrek and Fiona lived happily ever after...
"May I help you sir?" The cashier asks Sebastian. The story is progressing so fast in its nonsensical way that Sebastian is not even aware that Ciel and him have been waiting in line for delicious and expensive campus sandwiches.
"Er... just a chicken sandwich, I guess."
"That's going to be $9.99." The cashier said in a monotone. She hates her job.
"That is one fucking expensive chicken sandwich." Sebastian mutters under his breath. "What did you get?" He asks Ciel.
"Just water, it's free." Ciel shrugs.
"What? You are the one who wants to come here in the first place. You said the sandwiches are good." Sebastian feels a bit outraged. Who the fuck does this little motherfucker think he is? He can just beat the shit out of him right here if he wants to. Sebastian tries to suppress his violent tendencies, but he's only a demon.
"No, I just kinda thought you are a douche-bag and I wanted you to waste money on a shitty chicken sandwich." Ciel admits bluntly instead of thinking of a clever reply that would make him sound flirtatious. His mind is too numb right now to think up anything good anyways.
Sebastian's jaw is about to drop. But he kinda likes this little dude's attitude, so he keeps his cool and says nothing. And really, it's perhaps the masochist inside of him that is secretly enjoying being verbally bitch-slapped by this punk.
As the chapter is coming to an end, and the prospect of having sex with Sebastian after this is very unlikely, Ciel suddenly remembers something.
"Hey um, I am going to go. I remember that I was supposed to walk my friend home, she's probably really angry at me right now." Ciel says, thinking of Georgiana and imagining how she's going to go on a rampage about him completely forgetting about her.
"Alright, see you." Sebastian says, even though he knows they will probably never see each other again.
A/N: This fanfiction is also available on tumblr. My username is poodleduchess.
This is a parody of Akiru-chan and Disgruntled's The Devil's Canvas. I have nothing against Akiru, and I have talked to her personally before. I think the both of them are great writers. Compared to them I think my writing is really shitty. I am no saint and I will admit I've fapped to the first few chapters of The Devil's Canvas before. Again, I cannot stress enough that this is only a satire, please do not take it too seriously.
I also want to acknowledge The Amazing Fetus and her stupendous work, especially her satirical works written for this fandom. Superhell! is an inspiration for this fanfiction.