Existence is a funny thing isn't it Sasuke-kun? Some people say it is the act of 'being real', a way of living or even a presence in place of a situation.
Isn't it ironic that to me you were every one of those?
To me you were what was real.
You never spared me; always facing me with brutal honesty; and every time I hurt or was scared, you didn't try to tell me lies. You didn't try to say that it would all be alright, that things would return to normal, because you knew that it wouldn't and the fact that you cared enough not to shelter me from the world just made me love you even more.
It was because of your seemingly 'cruel' acts that made you the reality in my life; that made me wake up from my foolish day dreams. You had made me face the world in what others would call a 'cruel dose of reality', and yet, through it all you were always beside me, always there to pick me up when I fell. When the world was too much and I just wanted to scream and cry at the injustice of it all- you stayed and in your own way you told me that it would be ok.
And you know what Sasuke-kun?
You didn't lie.
If you hate me so much -kill me.
Sasuke-kun… I don't understand. Why are people so cruel? Why must everyone suffer and hurt until they snap? Until they turn cruel and wild like rabid animals?
…Until they turn out like your brother… until they turn out like you.
I… I don't understand.
If everyone turns cruel and this world is plunged in darkness… then, where will the light go? Where will the good go?
What will happen to people like Naruto, and Kakashi-sensei and Shizune and Tsunade-sama? …what will happen to people like me?
I'm scared and I… I just don't understand.
Pain, Sasuke-kun, I'm tired of all the pain.
I'm tired of watching the ones I love die, inside and out. I'm tired of going home every night only to cry myself to sleep in hopelessness. I'm tired of having people die as I pour every last drop of my chakra into their motionless bodies.
I'm tired of it all.
I hate watching Naruto's normally bright and cheery grin fade away into a hallow smile. I hate watching Kakashi sensei stagger home after every mission, bloody and broken only to get drunk the next day.
And I hate watching as day after day my loved ones suffer more and more.
And it hurts. It hurts so much, because I can't even find solace in you. Because I know, wherever you are, you feel pain also.
Please, don't deny it Sasuke-kun; I'm so sick of lying. I'd like some truth in my life. Some reality I can cling on to.
Because as much as you deny it, your eyes say it all. Other people may not see it. They may only see that emotionless façade you put on, but your eyes Sasuke-kun, oh your eyes… your eyes scream of pain and loneliness.
Hell, I should know. I meet the same eyes every time I look in the mirror.
I thought you wanted me to die all along -so now's your chance.
It's getting hard to pretend like everything's alright Sasuke-kun. Hard to force that fake smile, hard to force that happy, 'I'm fine!'
I wonder… Is this how you felt after the massacre? Did you feel this same hopelessness? This same soul crushing sadness?
I wouldn't know.
You were always so guarded, so isolated. …
You never did like to tell me anything, did you?
Though I don't blame you. Back then I was an idiotic girl whose abilities to be a ninja were about as good as her ability to keep her mouth shut.
I always was saying the stupidest things around you. It was just… something about you made it so hard to think, to concentrate. You wouldn't believe how many times I had to fight against the urge to melt into a puddle of incoherent goop every time you flashed that annoyingly conceited and yet beautiful smirk at me.
If you did, you would probably just 'Hn' and call me annoying.
But it wasn't your smirk or your calm façade that drew me to you. Believe it or not, it wasn't even your looks -though they certainly played a part in my attraction towards you.
I think it was your eyes.
Yes I'm almost certain.
I can remember what it felt like to be under the scrutiny of those eyes. Eyes that were so beautiful in a tragic way. Eyes that always made me feel inferior and unworthy. Eyes that made me want to scream and cry at the same time. Eyes that saw down into my shallow soul.
Yes I was shallow and conceited back then. I'm not afraid to admit it; because it's the truth and like I said before Sasuke-kun, I'm so sick of the lies.
I suppose you are to.
Though how would I know?
Like I said, you never did like to tell me anything.
And even if you had… how would I know? Because for all your eyes can tell me…
You were always a much better actor.
I'm right in front of you.
I… saw you again Sasuke-kun. You were so beautiful and cold that it hurt. You were different and… I didn't like it.
I know I have no right to say that, but, Sasuke-kun, you- you're not right! You're even worse than before, even more isolated… and you've turned cruel.
It made me want to scream.
Your smirk which had once had a teasing warmth now only has hate and ice. And you… you were just so wrong.
So utterly wrong and different from the Sasuke-kun that had been my teammate. That had cared and protected me.
It reminds me of that time in the forest of death.
Do you remember it Sasuke-kun?
I had been fighting and you- you heard me. You woke up and you had this terrifying chakra. Black markings were on your face and arms coming from the mark that-that bastard Orochimaru gave you. You broke the arms of the man who had beaten and bloodied me and I-I ran to you, before you could do anything else.
I can remember looking into your eyes and they were terrifying Sasuke-kun! They were full of death and malice and I couldn't help but cry, because you were so different from the Sasuke-kun that I had known. And even when you looked at me with that crazed grin on your face, and death in your eyes, I wasn't scared for me. Those tears weren't for fear for me Sasuke-kun. They were for you. Because I was scared for you, of what you were becoming and I wanted to stop it but god dammit! -I didn't know how.
And somehow-somehow you managed to come back to me that time and I was so relieved because you were familiar and right again.
But now I'm scared again Sasuke-kun.
Because what if this time you're to far gone to hear me scream?
What if this time… I can't save you?
Just rip my heart.
I-I have to do something horrible Sasuke-kun. I-I have to kill you. If I don't then Naruto will continue to suffer and I-I can't let him suffer anymore. Because even though it will hurt and I will scream and bleed and cry on the inside –Naruto doesn't deserve to suffer because of my selfishness.
If anyone deserves to suffer… it's me.
Hell, if I could I would take away all of yours and Naruto's pain… I wonder if both of you know that?
Considering what I'm about to do I don't think Naruto or you for that matter will think of me as much as anything anymore. After all… I swore I loved you with all my heart and here I am, making the decision to kill you!
Heh, so much as 'I'll love you forever' huh?
But you see Sasuke-kun… that's the problem.
I love you.
And dammit I can't let go!
And let's be honest Sasuke-kun, if anyone's going to die today… it's going to be me.
Because even if I got close enough to finish you… I wouldn't have the heart.
I wonder… does that make me weak?
Heh, you'd probably call me pathetic wouldn't you Sasuke-kun?
But that's the difference between you and me.
I can't shove my heart away, I can't forget the memories and I can't forget what I feel. And what I feel is that killing you would be wrong.
So I guess my fate is sealed, huh.
…Funny I never though I would be planning my death so calmly, I guess I really have changed haven't I?
We all have.
Do me a favor and end my pain, my misery.
Everyone keeps giving me these looks of pity, Sasuke-kun, and I hate it! They always tip toe around your name, as if the mere mention of it will make me break into tiny little pieces. I think I understand why you always hated the people who gave you those looks and whispered about the massacre as if speaking aloud would send you into a sea of madness.
I hate it to.
Sometimes I just want to scream from the shear frustration. I don't know how you keep that calm composure of yours, I really don't.
But even if I did… I doubt I'd be able to keep it up for long… after all, I'm a very emotional person as so many people have kindly pointed out to me.
…Tell me. Is it so bad to feel? To love? To show kindness? To be happy? For some Shinobi emotion only makes them stronger… hell look at Naruto! Look at you!
And while you're shaking your head and denying it, it really is the truth. After all, why are you striving for more power? Why are you fighting to become stronger?
Think about it Sasuke-kun.
Emotion is what pushes everyone forward, what makes them strive to be better, to be stronger. So tell me… why does everyone feel the need to scoff at such emotion and dim the fire that pushes everyone forward?
Let my world disappear like the setting sun.
I've been close to death many times before Sasuke-kun, -hell, I sometimes even still wake up screaming with nightmares of a mop of crimson hair and the gleam of a sword and excruciating pain- but this time its different.
Kami I can't even say it!
We were in a AMBU mission and were ambushed, we both suffered great injuries and were low on chakra and he being the noble and stupid idiot that he is forced me to go on without him with the promise that we would meet up latter.
…He didn't break his promise and yet in a way he did.
I only just woke up n a hospital bed when Tsunade-sama told me he had been found torn and bloodied a few miles back from the front gates.
I couldn't think Sasuke-kun! I was utterly frozen. My sensei had died a few miles away from what could have saved him and it… was my complete and entire fault.
I should have waited for him or better yet I should have never even have left him alone in the first place! I was the medic, I was supposed to be there to heal him and now because of my stupidity… he's dead.
I went to the funeral; all I could do was stand and stare. Naruto didn't blame me of course, in fact no one did and it just-
It hurt Sasuke-kun. A lot.
Because forgiveness was not something I deserved, after all, 'Those who disobey the rules are trash but those who abandon their comrades are lower than trash.'
And I Sasuke-kun was lower than trash.
I was looking at our team picture today Sasuke-kun, I guess you could say I was remembering the past.
The past of Team Seven.
Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something to change what happened. Sometimes I'll even find myself fantasizing that we were still a team, that I'll walk out my door and I'll see you and Naruto arguing at the ramen stand or come across you sparing… but then I remember that it isn't possible. That in order for that to happen you're brother would have had to never have killed you're clan and the nine tailed fox would have never have been sealed inside Naruto. And even though its incredibly selfish of me I can't help but be glad that the past couldn't be changed, because without the past I would have never have had such amazing teammates. I never would have been pushed to become stronger and I never would have had such an amazing family.
So in a sad way I'm glad for the past Sasuke-kun even though the future probably isn't going to be bright… the past is. And for that I am grateful.
So so grateful.
Just leave me to die…
And because of that I'll tell you one last truth.
Would you like to hear it? Would you like to learn what I've kept hidden all these years?
I can't help but wonder if you'll hate me after you hear it, but you deserve at least this much.
…Or at least I think so.
Sasuke-kun I love you.
Even though you're going to kill me and everything I love and even though you're going to look at me with that emotionless face as you do it… I still love you.
And I forgive you Sasuke-kun.
…I forgive you.
"Won't you kill me Sasuke-kun?"
Just a little oneshot that I've finally finished. It's based on the picture 'her last smile…' by nami86 from deviantart.
I hope you liked it!
And please review!