OK, this is my first time so be gentle. I wanna thank my awesome Beta FairyTale87. Thank you for polishing me up and making me sound better! Also, thanks to my bff Kimmie for reading everything I put her way, laughing at my jokes, stroking my ego, and encouraging me let others read my stuff.
I only hope that you like it and laugh. I read fanfic a lot, so much that my husband refers to it as my crack. I guess now I'm dabble'n in dealing, lol. JK, drugs are bad. Please, let me know what you think and I'm always open to ideas. I have to admit, I am seriously nervous right and anxiety level is close to a code orange.
Oh yeah, I don't own Twilight. I on;y own the voices in my head.
That Doesn't Happen in Real Life
Bella Swan is not a huge fan of romantic comedies; nothing like that ever happens in real life… right? But what happens when Bella realizes that her life's become a cliché romantic comedy, involving her and her best friend? Will she let it play out its "happy ending" or try to fight it?
RING. RING. RING.
I would like to thank the academy… RING. RING. RING. Seriously, I'm trying to accept my Oscar and someone's phone is ringing. RING. RING. RING. Wait…
Is that my phone? I think it is, but I'm still a little hazy from sleep. I look over at my clock, a bold 12:52 staring back at me. Who the fuck could be calling me this late?
I reach over on my nightstand and search for the irksome piece of technology through half opened eyes. Finally spotting it, I stare blurrily at the name: Edward. My heart involuntarily skips a beat and I roll my eyes with an annoyed sigh. I really wish it would stop doing that, but I know that is never going happen; my heart has to have a damn mind of its own. It's always been this way, even when we were kids. I don't see that changing any time soon; unless we stop being friends and I never see him again. But what good would that do? I'd just feel another kind of pain then.
"You better have a good reason for waking me up," I seethe into the phone, smirking slightly, "I was dreaming that I won an Oscar. You interrupted me during my epic acceptance speech." I gave a taunting laugh, noticing that my voice was still kind of deep and raspy from sleep.
"My deep…est apology," Edward drawled. I can just imagine his eyes dancing with amused sarcasm. That look is like his lover; he never goes anywhere without it. I guess I like it though; it always gives me a reason to fight and taunt him in return. "Digging the Katharrrleen Turner voice," he slurs.
Oh boy, drunk Edward. If he got arrested again, I'd seriously consider leaving him there overnight. Maybe one night behind bars would show him how alcohol was not his friend.
"MB, I am slightly intoxicated and they took my keys and I need to go home."
"Will you pleassssse come get me? I will love you forever and you will be my best friend." I can just envision the pouty face he is making right now with his beautiful lips.
"It's a little early for you to be calling for a pick up," I replied dryly. "Slim pickings tonight, huh? Usually you have procured yourself a woman by now and conned her with your sickeningly chivalric phrases into taking you back to her place. I'm disappointed in you." I tsked sarcastically, "perhaps you are losing some of that Cullen charm." I chuckle.
All that man had to do was smile and he had any and all females throwing themselves at him. Add to that his deep "panty dropping voice" and well, panties drop. Usually I get the early morning phone call to come pick him up at some random girls' house, and it kind of makes me feel like I'm better than those girls. I'm not the one who is ditched in the morning; I'm the one he runs to. I'm really glad that Jasper and Emmett found Alice and Rose because before that, I was like a damn taxi running all over town scooping them up. I know… I'm a great best friend and sister. Yada yada. It's not a one-way street though; they would do anything for me too, and have picked me up early in the morning on several occasions. It's like déjà vu twenty-four/seven with us.
"Yeah, well, Lauren is here," I hear Edward reply, "and she is trying to get all up on this, and scaring off any other potentials." He sounds sad and a little frightened, but not enough for my full sympathy. There are times when the dazzling Cullen boy can be a bit of a narcissist.
I start laughing all the same though retuning with, "I warned you that she was a Stage 5 Clinger but you just wouldn't listen. You should've listened to me, master charmer. I have a smart idea now and then. 'Tis your own fault you're stuck with her- shouldn't be such a man whore."
"Yeah, yeah, yous right," he muttered, pulling out his metaphoric white flat, "I couldn't help… really nice boobs. Blame the boobs, Bells. Boobs are evil. A guy's morals…utterly useless in the pres… ummm… ence of the twin gods. I tried telling her. One-time ride. But noooo she doesn't get it. Alas wee lass my voice becomes a dog whistle." I can only imagine the look of tortured distain that was slithering across his face now and held in my laugh.
"You and boobs," I say with a shake of the head, "they get you into more trouble than the booze. One day, you're gonna realize that there is more to a "lass" than just her boobs and her vagina," I pause, remembering who I am talking to. "Well, maybe not the ones you sleep with… Okay, enough chit chat. Where are you at so I can pick you up and go back to bed?" I run a hand through my disgustingly oily hair.
"I'm at Mike's."
I groan. Great. Fucking Mike. Talk about Stage 5 Clinger. He has had a crush on me since we were kids, and no matter how many times I turn him down, he keeps coming back. And I thought I was a masochist...
"You better wait outside. I do not feel like dealing with a drunk Mike tonight."
Not that the sober one was much better.
"But it's so fun to watch him make his move and you shoot him down before he even gets started." He could be such a child.
"Outside Cullen." I return sharply, hanging up the phone before he can say any more.
Since I sleep in only a tank top and underwear, I throw on some shorts and flip flops and pull my hair in a messy bun and grab my keys. For once, bed is more appealing than being the female knight in shining armor. I leave, shutting the door behind me. Thank God it's summer and warm outside, or this would be one hell of a drag.
I pull onto Mike's street. There are cars everywhere; it's like a massive get-together of every car manufacturer imaginable. Edward better be outside waiting, because there is no way in fuck I am parking and walking a block to hunt his ass down. I stop in the middle of the street in front of Mike's. Anybody that comes up behind me can go around... It's one in the morning and I'm helping a friend; I deserve the road to myself.
I'm here, Romeo. You have 5 sec to get in the car or I'll txt Lauren & tell her u think ur in luv w/ her but r just 2 scared to say it- MB
I c u. U r sooo mean, why we still friends? – E
Cuz u find me HI-larious and I know all ur dirty little secrets. U shd feel privileged I let u bask in my awesomeness- MB
I think u hv that backwards. Plus, I hv just as much dirt on u- E
Touche' – MB
He does have a point. He's known me my whole life and he knows way too much about me, to be honest. I tell him stuff I don't even tell Emmett, and he is my brother. Emmett, Edward, and Jasper have been best friends since they were babies, and when I came to visit in the summer, that's the wonderfulcrowd I hung out with. It wasn't until I moved in with my dad and Emmett when I was twelve, that Edward and I became closer. I don't know what it is – we're just on the same wave length, I guess. I mean I'm close with Em and Jasper too, and now Alice and Rose, but with Edward, we just click...
Finally, he makes his way through the crowd of people littered outside of Mike's, and hops in my car. The smell of cologne, cigarettes, and alcohol permeates throughout the area as he plops down in the passenger seat. I inhale deeply as he flashes me his signature smirk and shuts the door. There is that skipping heart again.
"Thanks, MB. You are the greatest! What would I do without you?" he says in a sing-song voice.
"Have to deal with your one-timers in the morning and actually pay for a taxi." I say, smirking myself.
"Hey, I've offered to pay. It's not my fault you have crappy business sense and don't jump on the opportunity when offered." Edward shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.
"Usually when I jump on something, I don't charge a fee." A wicked smile spreads across my face.
It took him a second to compute what I just said, but as soon as he did, he starts laughing and has the flare of dirty thoughts in his eyes. I can only hope it was me jumping on him that he was thinking about.
"Wow, a little slow on the up–take, are we?"
"Shit!" he grumbles. "I left my keys at Mike's… I can't get into my house. Can I just crash at your place?"
"Don't you have one of those hideaway keys?" I raise a slightly peeved eyebrow.
"I do, but I'm pretty sure Em hid it someplace else and I am too drunk to look for it. What, you don't want me at your place? Is there a naked man in your bed that you're trying to hide? I can do a party of three… Company's always… entertaining." An evil and mischievous grin spreads on his lips. "Or perhaps, a naked woman…that would be hot." Just by looking at his face, I can tell the dirty wheels were spinning again.
"Put on the dirty train brakes. There is no naked anything in my bed. You know I never bring people home with me. I can't spare us the awkward, 'what was your name again' conversation if I can't sneak out before they wake up."
"I taught you well," Edward replies, making the 'I'm getting choked up' face.
"I'm so proud." He reaches up and wipes a fake tear off his cheek.
"Yes, thank you, Sensei, for teaching me your wise ways of fucking em' and then chucking em'," I say sarcastically with an eye roll. "I don't care if you stay, but if you kick me in your sleep, you will be sleeping on the floor."
"Well, if you had an actual couch for me to sleep on, that wouldn't be a problem..."
"I have a studio apartment with limited space," I say in defense. "I make do with my oversized chair and throw pillows. Don't kick me in your sleep. Problem solved."
When we arrive at my house, I throw my keys on the counter, kick my flip flops off, and go straight in to the bathroom. Pills, pills, where are my sleeping pills? There is no way I'm going to get any sleep with him in the same bed with me…
Aw, found you, sweet little pill. Come to mama, my blue friend. I pop it into my mouth, and take a swig of water to wash it down. I don't generally take my pills unless I'm going through a really bad bout of insomnia (which happens more than I would like) but the thought of Edward being that close to me all night makes me giddy, nervous, and horny. Sleeping won't really be an option with all those sexual impulses jumping crazily in me.
When I come out of the bathroom, I stop dead in my tracks and my mouth drops open. Edward had already taken off his shirt and is unbuckling his pants. Holy shit, he is glorious. His body is lean with just the right amount of muscle definition. I just want to lick and kiss those abs. They are… Oh God, I can see the Ken doll lines. Gazing at them just makes me instantly wet. Fuck. Okay, stop drooling and pull yourself together, Bella, before he sees you raping him with your eyes. Thank the sweet Lord for that pill. That's all I have to say.
"You done in there? I gotta piss." For a second, his face looks like he knew I was staring, but just as quickly as the expression came, it was gone.
"All yours. Don't pee on the seat."
"Yes, Mama." He salutes me when he walks past, and for a second, I could swear he's checking me out.
Rolling my eyes, I quickly turn off the light and hop into bed, with my back facing the bathroom. I still have a few minutes before the pill kicks in and I don't know if I can stop myself from touching him if I look again…
It doesn't take long before the pill starts to make me drowsy. My eye lids get heavier and heavier. Before I succumb sleep, I feel him climb into bed. The familiar spark of electricity runs through my body like it always does when he is close.
"Night, Bella," is the last thing I hear before drifting off to sleep.
**A/N So what did you think? * biting my nails nervously* I have half the story already wrote, so updates should come regularly. Hopefully once a week. Thanks again for reading!
*** HB from the future would like to thank Kmah88 for all her mighty red pen skills and making TDHIRL even better. Also, thank you to everyone who nominated and voted for this fic both times. It means the world to me.