A/N:

I am not an author. I'm doing this out of love for the daughter I will never have. HappyMess, YOU are my Sunshine. And this sick, crazy, crackwhore O/S is just for you, Spoiled Brat.

Stephanie Meyers owns this. Blah blah fuckety blah...I do own a Bella Barbie that's still in the box and Edward doll cannot play with because she's MINE!


Holy mother of the sweet baby Jeezus. My fucking brain is about to explode. Like Oprah's pants at an all you can eat restaurant.

Celebrating last night with my ninjas Emmett and Jasper was not the best idea. But we finally became doctors and that called for some stress relief. It felt like forever that we had let loose. Shit, it felt like a century!

My last round was at Children's Hospital. I don't like kids and they don't like me. Some of those hellions were mean little fuckers. One of them started a rumor that I was a vampire! What the hell? Everyone knows werewolves are way cooler.

Like I said me and kids…

So when the guys suggested partying it up VIP style, I was all in. What I wasn't in for was what those dickheads considered VIP. I should have got a shot of penicillin before entering what Emmett called 'House of Pie'.

Yeah, self explanatory.

This was not a strip club. And these were not dancers. It was the Zombie Apocalypse. Surely I was the only one to die because zombies went straight for brains.

I shuddered at the thought of the dick burning diseases I could catch just from walking through the front door. But Jasper and Emmett wouldn't put Lil Eduardo in harm's way right?

I have this thing for Latin chicks. I'm down with the Brown. And one of them may have nicknamed my dick Lil Eduardo...just saying.

I'm gonna need some alcohol STAT!

After endless shots of Tequila, Whiskey, and a Bloody Mary (I like tomato juice fuckers) I began to loosen up and the 'Pussycat Palace' didn't seem so bad. I even let 'Snow White' give me a lap dance. She looked young but like they say, 'If she's old enough to tease, she's old enough to please.'

The last thing I remember before blacking out was that oregano smelling, lazy eyed, mouth-breathing hooker grinding her skinny ass all over my junk.

I managed to drag my still drunk ass out of bed and head to the shitty coffee shop on the corner. I don't do Starbucks. Fuck those mega conglomerate motherfuckers. Keeping the poor man down and shit. Plus I applied for a job there once and I was denied.

Like I said, fuck'em.

Good thing it's just me in here. Some strong coffee, some vegging on the couch, and I should be able to come back from the undead soon. I must have drifted off into a snooze cause the shit I was dreaming about was pretty fucking... bizarre.

"Bella, what the hell is so important that you had to drag me to this roach infested hellhole?"

"For your information Rosalie, this place has the best coffee in the city. And you know how I feel about those fuckers at Starbucks."

"Bella, this place is shit and there's a homeless dude in the corner drooling on himself."

What? I must be, dreaming cause I'm Edward Motherfucking Cullen and I'm too sexy for this shirt too sexy for this shirt, so sexy it huuuurts.

Wait what?

I meant I'm sexy and I know it...and I don't fucking drool. And I'm singing gay 90's music.

Fucking alcohol.

"Fine Bella, Speak."

"Well Rosie, you know that Jacob is out of town for business. I don't think my pussy can handle him being gone for a month."

WhattheFUCK?

"Seriously Bella, that's what your big problem is? You and your lonely Beaver?"

"Yes Rose, me and my pussy miss Jacob."

"Bella, for shits sake, handle your kitty yourself! I do it all the time! I'm a grown independent woman and don't need no man up in my business. I suggest you do the same."

"I can't do it Rosie, Jacob is just so gentle with it. From the first time I let him play with it, I was in love. The way he rubs it up and down, one finger or two, sometimes he'll use his whole hand. Makes the pussy hum, watching him stroke it gently leaves me breathless. And he could go at it for hours."

"So what does that have to do with me? Shit, I know that pitiful look in your eyes Isabella. What do you want?

"Rosie, my bestest friend in the whole wide world, will you help me play with my Beaver while Jake's gone?"

Holy mother of fuck this dream is...fuuuck. Well, buenos dias Eduardo. And now I'm talking to my slowly rising dick.

Fucking alcohol.

"No fucking way in hell Bella. You know I can't handle the stench coming from it. You should ask Alice. She doesn't mind the smell of tuna that emanates from your pussy and she doesn't mind going downtown either. She'll be more than happy to tame that hairy beast of yours."

"God damn it Rosalie you can be a cold soulless bitch sometimes. I just got my Beaver groomed and it doesn't smell. Jake never complains. He actually prefers it non groomed. He loves running his fingers through the tangled mess."

"Well whatever Bella. I'm not helping out. I'm keeping my hands outta this one. But if you want I can come over and watch Alice play with your Beav."

"Oh Rosie, that would be great! And can you bring your video camera so we can get it on film? I'm sure Jacob would love to see his sister playing with my kitty kitty."

Eduardo is now fully awake and wants to play with the 'kitty' too. I can't wake up though. My head is still sluggish from last night's festivities. But do I really want to wake up? Hell fucking no bitches!

"And I'm sure you're going to ask me to bring some of MY toys too?"

"No fucking way Rose. I don't want to contaminate my Beaver with whatever your JayJay has. Jacob and I have enough toys to last Alice and my puss for hours. But thanks."

"Fine. At least my JayJay don't stank like old sardines. Bella, you need to take your shit to a doctor and get that checked out. Nobodies pussy should smell that fucking horrible. And the discharge coming from it, definitely needs to be checked out. That's just fucking ewww."

"Fuck yourself Rose, at least I don't have a leaky cock!"

"Bella, how dare you bring up my Pecker! It didn't leak. It squirted! Learn the difference shithead!"

Wait...she's got a penis? I'm dreaming about hermaphrodites?

Fucking alcohol.

"I loved my early morning Woodie. I was so proud to walk around knowing I had the biggest cock around. I had all kinds of chicks thanks to the old Woodster. Then one morning I found the little guy all stiff and hard. I accidentally choked the chicken, squirted my boss and so I got fired."

"Such a sad story Rosie. Gets me all the time. But then you moved to the city and you found Alice and me and we embraced you, hairy JayJay and all."

"I love you bitches too."

Now, I can hear the conversation in my dream, but why can't I see the girls that are gonna totally munch it out tonight? Although, Lil Eduardo doesn't need visuals. He's already at full mast, trying to say, "Hola Senoritas!"

And he might be getting too friendly with one of my couch cushions.

"Rosalie we should get going. If Alice is going downtown tonight to play with my Beaver, I'm going to have to stock up on some items. She's on that health kick you know so she requested cucumbers, bananas, and a pineapple."

Holy fuck, a pineapple? Oh yeah, that's gonna cause some damage! But if that's what Alice wants...Lil Eduardo is not complaining.

"Yeah let's get the fuck out of here Bella. Creepy homeless crack dude over there is humping the couch. Told you this place was a dump. Look at his hair, looks like he hasn't brushed in years. And is that a caterpillar or his eyebrows?"

"I think he's kinda cute in that run-off-to-join-the-circus-and-play-with-elephants kinda way."

"Um Bella, you might want to lay off the morning wake and bake sessions. Dude looks like an alcoholic vampire."

Seriously? I'm getting dissed in my own dream by Cock Girl and Stinky Pussy? Bitches.

Fucking alcohol…

Yeah I'm humping the couch cause this dream is fuck hot, but I'm in the privacy of my own...OH FUCK!

*Lil Eduardo POV*

"Si Si Si Alicia, Isabella, y Rosita y pussy ! Me gusta mucho!"

And Lil Eduardo has just exploded with excitement.

In the wrong place and at the wrong time.

Motherfuckingshitballs.

I wasn't dreaming.

I awake to see I'm not at home. And I have an audience of two good looking bitches staring at the leakage in my pants.

*Lil Eduardo POV*

Dos senoritas muy calientes! Yo quiero Pink Taco Bell!

I don't know what's more embarrassing, the puddle in my pants or Lil Eduardo getting happy again.

Fucking alcohol.

"Oh Jeezus dirty homeless crack circus perv dude, seriously did you just jizz your jeans?"

"What? This is all you two sicko lesbo bitches' fault. Talking about how you're gonna get Alice to go 'downtown' on Bella's smelly Beaver with cucumbers and you're gonna video tape the whole thing! I'm a living, breathing human male. I am not made of stone. You're talking about feeling up each other's JayJays and how Jake loves to stroke your pussy for hours. You can't just have those kind of fucking perverted conversations in public and not expect people around you not to react. How about an apology and you pay for my dry cleaning? Then we can all go home and forget this happened."

"Oh I don't fucking think so. First of all, you're homeless. Second, Your $5 Wal-Mart jeans should be burned. And third you're just a sick fucker! I'm Rosalie fucking Hale, and I DO NOT converse with lowlife couch humping homeless sick fucks like you."

"Well Rosalie Fucking Hale, I am Dr. Edward Motherfucking Cullen and it definitely was NOT a pleasure to meet you and your girlfriend."

*Eduardo POV*

"Que? El pussy muy bueno! Mas Tequila!"

Yes I'm still sporting wood. Even arguing with this big "more cushion for the pushin'" blond with the monster knockers. And her tight little brunette baby momma that would look great bent over...shit, anywhere!

*Eduardo POV*

"Edward, mi amigo, mi casa es su casa..."

"Loco en la cabeza"

"Remember the Alamoooooooo..."

What the hell? Eduardo has totally lost it. He's jumped ship and abandoned me. Little fucker! Ha ha get it?

I'm making lame jokes in the middle of a crisis.

Fucking alcohol...

"Listen bitche... I mean ladies, I had way too much to drink last night. I forgot where I was and then you start talking about having sex with each other. Well I thought I was dreaming and things got out of hand. Yes, there's an accident in my pants. You should know Blondie, you had a cock right? I'm sure you had accidents like this before. Forget the dry cleaning, the hot girl on girl action and let's just call it a day and walk off into the twilight."

"Excuse me Dr. McWetDreamy, have you been prescribing your own meds? Rosalie and I are NOT going to have sex. She's never had a penis except for that plastic '$5 foot long' she keeps in her bedside drawer that she thinks we don't know about. But that thing sounds like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! Her JayJay gets scared and doesn't come around for like four days after. Poor Pussy."

"See, there you go again, talking about her vajajay, Twat, Vagina, Pie, Muff, Fur!"

"JayJay is my pet cat you dumbass perv sicko couch humper! And what makes you think I have a cock?"

"You were talking about your Pecker squirting while you were choking the chicken."

"Pecker was my prize winning Rooster. I grew up on a farm. He was killed by one of the younger hens. I was so upset I grabbed the bitch and rung her neck. There were feathers everywhere. Like someone had bitten a pillow and spilled all its contents, squirted blood all over the head farmer and so he fired me for my anger issues."

Oh Sweet Lord Mary Joseph Jeezus Michael Peter Moses John3:16 and Tim Tebow. What have I done?

"Please tell me you're kidding me right Mr. Dr. Couch Humper. Cause you're kinda cute, cum stain on your pants and all..."

"Really Bella? They guy has his DNA all over his crotch and you're looking for a date?"

"But Bella, you have a boyfriend Jacob, correct?"

"Jacob is my gay roommate. He's my bestie with testies."

"But you let him stroke your pussy?"

"Yes I do. He loves to play with my pet cat, Beaver."

Sonofamotherlessfuckingwhore...

"Rosalie doesn't like my cat because all he eats is canned Tuna fish. Somehow the smell of it seems to excrete from Beaver's pores, therefore making him constantly smell like fish. He requires weekly grooming."

Sonofamotherlessgoat...

"My friend Alice lives on the outskirts of town and doesn't mind coming to play with him in my downtown apartment. She's a vegetarian and asked me to pick up some veggies for her to snack on."

Shitonastick

"Oh wow, look at the time, I really must be getting home. Pleasure to meet you two fine wonderful wome-"

"Oh my GOD! You thought Jacob was all up in Bella's lady lumps? And when she missed him stroking her off, she wanted me to come do it. But because her vagina stank we called Alice to come eat her out. And me and my COCK were gonna videotape the dirty deed. And then Alice was gonna insert cucumbers, bananas, and fucking pineapples up Bellas's hoo ha?"

FUCKING FUCK OF A FUCKITY FUCK.

"Umm well, no umm..."

"So then you started humping the couch and creamed the jeans."

Code Blue, Code Blue! I need doctor STAT. I'm gonna pass out. Or shit my pants...

"Dr. McHumper, you're looking a bit pale. Maybe you should sit down. But ew, not on the couch."

"Doesn't matter where you sit him Bella, he's got his man yogurt all over his pants. Let's just leave him alone with his dirty mind and dirtier underwear."

Man yogurt? I must say, that one I like.

"Dr. McHumpty Hump, would you like for me to call someone to come, I mean get over here and give you a hand, I mean...shit!"

Blondie is laughing her tits off.

Isabella just flipped Rosalie off.

And she called her a blue twat waffle. Sounds interesting. I'll have to Google that.

And she's blushing.

And...

*Eduardo POV*

MUY CALIENTE!

Traitor dick!

"I'm just gonna head out, um I mean take off. I'm just around the corner. I do apologize for ruining your day. Have a lovely day with your pussies and cucumbers and JayJays...by the way, my name is Edward. Not Sir-Humpty-McHumps-A-Lot or whatever you've been calling me."

"I'm Bella, and that's Rosalie. Guess it was nice 'meeting' you, Edward."

The way my name rolls off her lips is just so...

*Eduardo POV*

ME GUSTA LIPS! YO QUIERO BELLA'S LIPS EN MI CABEZA!

"Let's go Bella, looks like Edward needs some "alone time."

"Wow already? That's some impressive recovery time, Edward."

*Eduardo POV*

"Si, Bella MUY impressivo!"

"Yeah. Um sorry. It's kinda been a while"

I swear Bella has a look in her eyes, that's saying she's up for some Spanish lessons from Eduardo. But then again, I just humped a couch and sprayed my pants in front of her. She thinks I'm a pervert. And Big Tits Rosalie is totally cockblocking with that look she's giving Bella.

A cross between evil heartless vampire bitch and BFF's gone bad. Or it could be gas.

"Ok, well see ya around ladies."

I shuffle off past the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen. Well besides those of hot mami in Cali that named Eduardo.

Say good bye Eduardo...

*Eduardo POV*

"NOOOOO! Yo quiero Bella pussy. No Adios, yo quiero Hello, Kitty! Stop stupid gringo!"

"Laters Pervward..."

Fuck off Rosalie.

"Goodbye Edward."

Ahh lovely Isabella

*Isabella's "Kitty" POV*

"Purrrrrrr. Adios Eduardo...Meowwwwww... Purrrrrrrr.

*Eduardo POV*

WHAT THE FUCK?

FIN


Judge me, comment on my errors, my writing style or whatever negativity that's gonna come out cha hole, go right ahead. I'm already on anti-depressants and I have a license to own a gun. Think before you review.

YOU may be the one that pushes me over the edge...mwahahaha.

Super Special Thank You to my "Co-MA" TropicalSorbet. Thanks for the encouragement and the help and the Cherry Popping convo.

It's hard to have a child with a same sex partner, but we do it just fine. NY MA, Edward salute to you.

"Wank It!"