Author's Note:Parallel Reinette will not meet the Doctor until Chapter Three. The idea for this story wasn't so much how the men screw up trying to impress the women they love, which was very fun to write, but to resolve the aftermath of the GiTF episode. I am very close to writing the Doctor and Rose's wedding and I don't see how they could truly live their life together without any regret unless they discussed and came to a final resolution about Reinette.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in relation to Dr. Who, Disney's Beauty and the Beast or The Kama Sutra.
Chapter 1 Relationships
The elevator doors slide open to reveal the floor that contains the offices for Alien Archives and the Torchwood operatives. The Doctor, Rose and Jack all step out of the elevator after returning from a very late lunch.
"I'll see you soon, love," bids the Doctor as Rose leaves in search of Jake.
The Doctor is watching Rose walk away when Jack inquires, "So are you still planning on knocking Rose off of her feet with this Valentine's Day that you were talking about?"
"Absolutely!" the Doctor grins. "Valentine's Day is an excellent holiday in my universe, I can't believe that you lot don't celebrate it here."
His gaze is distant as he reminisces, "It's filled with love, flowers, chocolates, promises that you don't intend to keep…" He shakes himself from his reverie when he realizes, "No, wait, that's Beauty and the Beast."
Jack chuckles, "Well, it sounds great. That's why I went and bought Donna a book as a token of my affection."
"Oh, really?" asks the Doctor. "What book?"
"The Kama Sutra," replies Jack. "I figure it's Latin for calm and soothe, right? I'm hoping that it will help her to relax after a hard day at work. Pretty thoughtful, huh, Doc?"
The Doctor grips Jack's arm and presses, "You didn't give it to her yet, did you?"
Jack bears a smug expression as he boasts, "I had it sent special delivery. She should be receiving it any time now."
The Doctor doesn't need to tap into his Timelord abilities to know that a storm is coming. He whispers in terror, "Jack…"
He's interrupted by Donna's screech of Jack's name ringing throughout the office. Completely unfazed, Jack asks, "Yes, Doc?"
The Doctor squeezes his shoulder gently in support and croaks, "Good luck." Jack offers a quick salute and an unwitting smile before marching off to meet his fate.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the office, David McDonald is busy trying to open Jake's drawer for him. "Thanks for helping me out with this before we head out to lunch, David," states Jake.
"No problem, lad. I'm glad to be of help." He glances up at Rose's approach and beams in delight. "Rose Tyler, what a lovely surprise!"
Rose grins wide in greeting and remarks, "I'm more surprised to see you here, David. What are you doing here?"
"He's helping me out of a jam," supplies Jake. "Literally." Rose's quizzical glance urges him to elaborate. "Your boyfriend decided to hide a stash of alien marmalade that he confiscated during our last recovery mission inside my drawer. When he tried to sonic the lid open, the jar started smoking so he dropped it back in the drawer and slammed it shut. I haven't been able to open it since."
Rose gives him a sympathetic look as the Doctor stalks over and demands, "What's McDonald doing with my marmalade?"
"No worries, Mr. Smith," declares David with a slight smirk. "It's not Rose's drawers that I'm trying to get into at the moment."
Rose laughs at David's cheekiness while both she and Jake hold a furious Doctor back. "Now I may not have access to a screwdriver as fine as yours but I haven't had any complaint with my tool."
He picks up his plain, ordinary, human screwdriver and works swiftly to finish the job. "Now my lovely audience," as he tosses a saucy wink to Rose, "watch as I pull out my tool, insert it, wiggle it around a bit, give one final sharp thrust…and we're off."
The Doctor merely glares at David while he shakes off Rose and Jake's grasp. "Rose," instructs Jake, "you need to go to Pete's office. He said that once you checked in with me that you were to go to his office and meet a special messenger."
Rose views the mischievous twinkle in Jake's eyes with suspicion but consents regardless. "Okay." She turns to the Doctor and mouths 'behave' to him before departing for Pete's office.
The Doctor's smile is tight as he looks at David, who returns it with a smug one of his own. Jake continues to watch the two men as he muses to himself, Who needs television?
**********Currently, in another area of Torchwood…**********
Jack strolls into Donna's office and greets, "Good morning, Donna. I heard your melodic tones calling for me. What can I do for you?"
Donna slams the Kama Sutra down onto the desk where it lays open to a section with several illustrations. With clenched teeth, she grits, "Would you care to explain this?"
He walks over to her desk and flips the page back and forth while studying the pictures. "I'm not sure. Is it pilates or yoga?" Donna gapes at him as he continues his introspection. "Why is this guy's arm so short?"
Donna spins the book to a certain angle causing Jack's jaw to drop and his eyes to widen in realization. He gasps, "That's…that's…that's so naughty!"
He stares at her in disbelief. "And you want me to explain this to you?"
"Yes," growls Donna.
"I don't think that's in my job description!" he asserts. "Why are you showing me this?"
Donna spits, "Ipswich! You bought it for me!"
"I did not!" protests Jack. "I would never, ever…," he trails off as she closes the book and shows him the cover. "Oh, I guess I did." He gazes at her with a worried expression. "I didn't know it was like that, Donna. I swear. I thought it was a book on relaxation techniques."
Donna shakes her head in exasperation and sighs, "I'm sure you did, Jack. However, for future reference, this is the most infamous sex book of all time. Although to be fair, these techniques generally do result in extreme relaxation."
One glance at Jack reveals how distraught he is so Donna murmurs consolingly as she hands him the book, "Here, Sunshine. You need this more than I do."
He reluctantly accepts it and is saved from any further embarrassment by a soft knock on the open door. "Excuse me, Donna," pardons the woman with a French accent, "but the lab has finished their testing so I'm ready to meet with Dr. Smith now."
Donna gestures for her to enter and informs Jack, "This is Jeanne Poisson, the Director of Human and Alien Relations for Torchwood France."
"Yes," states Jack coldly as Jeanne gives him a heated appraisal, "we've met before." He turns to Donna with a stony expression while keeping the book hidden from Jeanne's view. "Is there anything else, Miss Noble?"
Taken aback by Jack's attitude, Donna can barely focus enough to hand Jack a package. "Yes, I need you to give this to the Doctor. He asked Gramps to find something for him, and then please ask him to come to my office."
"Right away, Miss Noble," he assures her in a curt tone. He spares Jeanne a brief glance as he walks past her.
"Goodbye, Mr. Harkness," she croons. "It has been such a pleasure seeing you again."
Jack shudders in unease as he speeds down the corridor. When he's far enough away, he leans against the wall and takes a deep breath. He's surprised to see that he's forgotten about the book that he's been clutching and out of curiosity, places the Doctor's box on the floor so that he can look through the book.
He turns to the page he was hunting for and wonders, Infamous sex book, hmmm? Well that can't be the sixty-nine that I've heard everyone talk about. That page doesn't seem any different than the other pages. Oh, well.
He retrieves the box from the floor and quickens his pace to seek out the Doctor who he finds talking to Jake while David is finishing a call on his cell.
"Mr. Smith," interrupts David, "I have some bad news for you regarding the exotic fish that were delivered to the hotel and placed in the fountain."
"Oh, no!" frets the Doctor. "The koi are a gift for Rose. Are they dead?"
David answers with a trace of laughter lacing his voice. "No, they're not dead and they're not koi. One of the men on my crew used to live in the Amazon and he recognizes them as piranha. They must have delivered them by mistake."
The Doctor manages to pale and turn green all at once at David's next words. "He also said that you'll want to tell your next door neighbor what happened to her cat. Apparently, Frisky's remains now strictly consist of a red collar with a metal heart that has her name engraved on it."
"Tough luck, Doc," interrupts Jack as he hands him the package from Donna. "Maybe this will cheer you up, it's from Mr. Mott."
"Ooohh, I've been waiting for this!" exclaims the Doctor. "Forget teddy bears, they're so boring and predictable. I bought Rose a stuffed owl in honor of Shiver and Shake!" He's lifting the lid off of the box as he tells them, "Wilf Mott told me that he had an old friend who specialized in them, makes them almost life-like."
He peers down into the box and his excitement quickly fades into despair. Jack instantly senses his change of mood and questions, "What's wrong, Doc?"
The Doctor gazes down into the box forlornly while he answers flatly, "It's a stuffed owl."
Jake inquires, "So, that's what you wanted, right?"
The Doctor looks up with a grim expression and states, "No, what I wanted was a stuffed toy owl. This is an actual stuffed one from a taxidermist."
Everyone leans over to peek inside the box. David is the first to comment, "That's disgusting."
Jake agrees, "Yeah, it is. Nice work though."
"Great," bemoans the Doctor. "No fish and no owl. All I have left are the pastries."
"What pastries, Doc?" asks Jack.
Before the Doctor can reply, he glances off to the side and notices Liane Piper of Piper's Pastries walking around the corner in a daze. He watches her in concern and murmurs, "Liane?"
All four men turn in her direction and once David spies Liane, he is immediately captivated by her. His hearts speed up, his breathing quickens and he becomes so lost in just the thought of her that he doesn't notice his shimmer distorting to reveal his true appearance.
Thankfully, Jake does notice and hurriedly calls David's attention to his problem as he leads him away from the others and around a corner.
Jake snaps his fingers in David's face and hisses, "David, focus! Not everyone here knows your secret!"
Away from Liane's presence, David is able to shake free of euphoric state. He grabs his friends arms and blurts, "Jake! Did you see her? She's beautiful!"
Jake stares at him in consternation as he demands, "What? Who are you talking about?"
"Her," growls David passionately."My mate."
Jake's confusion worsens as he tries to follow David's train of thought. He slowly repeats, "Your mate? Okay. And when did this happen?"
"Just now!" cries David excitedly. He pulls Jake to the edge of the corner and whispers "Look. Who is that?"
Jake scans the room, focusing only on the female co-workers, and queries, "Who is who?"
He stares at his best friend as if he was out of his mind. "Isn't it obvious? She's right over there!" David points to a woman who is identical to Rose Tyler with the exception of her light brown hair, glasses and emerald green eyes.
One side of Jake's mouth quirks upwards in amusement as he watches her balance on one high heel as she tries to tug the other one back into place. He chuckles inwardly as he recalls that she always did have trouble whenever she wore heels.
He turns gleefully to his oldest friend and practically sing-songs, "David McDonald, are you besotted with our lovely Liane?"
David crows, "You know her! How do you know her?"
Jake replies, "We've been friends ever since she moved out here from Ireland. Plus, she caters all of the Vitex parties. If you want the best, then you want Liane."
David vows with a growl, "Oh, I want her," and his shimmer starts to break up again.
Jake huffs in exasperation. "Mate, pull it together! What is wrong with you?"
David backs away from the corner and leans against the wall. "It's the Rapture. My people have an innate instinct that causes a very strong reaction inside of us when we finally meet our mate."
Jake swiftly processes the information and surmises, "Is that what's affecting your shimmer?"
David takes a moment to think it over before concluding, "It must be. Usually my people's mates have been found on our own home world, but there have been instances of finding them off-world. Although in those instances, I don't recall an Owthtiwrettebian ever having to disguise their appearance."
Jake responds, "Well pull it together, buddy. Torchwood does it's best to encounter alien races on friendly terms but not everyone here automatically trusts an extraterrestrial."
David nods somberly and Jake advises, "Now we'll start off slow with an introduction and then we'll see where to go from there."
David smiles gratefully and says, "Thanks, Jake. I don't know what I'd do without you. You know, back when we were kids and I first arrived on Earth; I was terrified of everything until I met you. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me."
Jake grins back in response. "For me too, mate."
David allows a moment of sadness and guilt to cross his features. "I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for Canary Wharf, Jake. I know how much Ricky meant to you."
Jake stares down at the ground and mutters in a gruff voice, "Yeah, it was hard." He looks up and reminds him, "But Owthtiwretteb had its own troubles and you were needed back home." His slight smile grows into a larger one as he reasons, "Besides, you came back just like you promised. That means a lot to me."
David remembers how hard it was for Jake to deal with never having been given the chance to say goodbye to his friend, Mickey, when he decided to remain in the parallel universe. Even without that incident, he always knew that he would return to Earth. Jake was too good a friend to ever be left behind.
"Hey, what are best friends for?" quips David as he draws Jake into a quick comforting hug. "Now try not to treat me like eye candy so she doesn't think that I'm your latest boyfriend."
Jake laughs, "Oh, please! I could do so much better than you."
David scoffs, "You wish," as they make their way back over to Jack and the Doctor while continuing to argue good naturedly.
Next Chapter: Rapture