Title: Full Circle
Pairing: Perfect Pair, Pillar Pair
Summary: Life comes in a full circle. Even for someone like me.
A/N: my first fic of the year. Reality is keeping me imprisoned. it wouldn't let me write too much. .
Everything was white.
Wherever I look, all I see is color of nothingness. Everyone was busy, coming and leaving in all directions. It was a common sight, beautiful them shuffling around me as I join this organized chaos. I went to a room and was given my new assignment. Eager to start, I hastily went out of that white place and welcomed the clear, blue sky.
Looking around, I sought for my new job and saw him inside a hospital, carried in the arms of his mother. The father and grandparents were beside them, everyone's face showing nothing but happiness.
"Kunimitsu. That's what we'll call him." The father said, touching your rosy cheek. You answered him with a yawn, to your parents' delight. I continued standing there, watching; smile never leaving my lips. It was since then that I started looking out for you.
You were just like the others, angelic and good. All you did was eat and sleep, and sometimes cry when you need a change. I would approach your crib and play with you, happy seeing you laugh and raise your tiny fists in the air. You never gave me a headache, not yet. You still had no idea of evil, your little soul pure and uncorrupted.
But as you grew up, from that small babe in the crib to running toddler, that soul started to be tainted. You were starting to discern what was good from evil, always looking at adults for reference. You watched how older children bullied others. Thinking it was right, you began to copy them. I reprimanded you nonstop but you wouldn't listen. Whatever you see on someone, you absorb it in your budding consciousness. And I can do nothing but continue looking out for you to, at least, protect you from harm.
At that point, I let out a sigh. This is going to be a tedious work. I can already see what you will become. I just hope I'll do well not to let you become like those I gave up on. Rather, like the ones I held close to me until my work for them ended. I was never the type to surrender, but there are few to whom I felt resignation. They chose to listen to their friends than to me. And it was at those times that I mourn for them in the end. But there were others who made me smile taking care of them. They were cheerful and kind and were never a pain.
I was certain you will become either of them, but on that particular day, you became neither.
I watched as you enter your room, still on your preschool uniform and pull out a paper and crayon. I went behind you to see what you were doing. You continued your work, little eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Once done, you ran out to the kitchen. Eyes wide in surprise, I followed quickly and saw you handing it to your mom, a drawing of you and me. You told her how your teacher in school talked about it and hurriedly went home to make a picture of us. She gave you a pat on the head, little you beaming at her.
That day changed everything. You began talking to me, asking if I was okay and what not. You always ask me to eat with you, play with you, walk you to school. At night we will both kneel beside your bed and pray, thanking Father for the wonderful day. Then you will lie down and close your eyes, saying a sleepy goodnight to me. I would plant a kiss on your forehead and let you drift off to dreamland.
One day, while we were at the playground, you asked me a question. "What is your name?"
I did not answer, still staring at you.
"Hmmm, you can't tell me? I'll give you one then." You thought hard, your face forming an adorable pout. I couldn't help but laugh at your action, trying hard to call me something.
Finally, your expression cleared and said, "Syusuke! I'll call you Syusuke. Just like the hero in my book."
I knew the hero's name was supposed to be Shizuke, but I did not bother. I was happy with the name you made for me.
Since then you called me Syusuke. Whenever your classmates ask who I was, you will look at them sternly. You never told them anything about me. But at home you wouldn't stop talking to your mother about me. She would touch your head and smile, saying what a good boy you are.
We continued like this till elementary. You became a little adult. Your body cannot catch up to your maturing mind. Unlike many children, you were disciplined. You would often stay at a corner and read your books, refusing to socialize with anyone unless needed. Your words became fewer and fewer until all they can get from you was a simple "Hn.". You were growing at an incredibly fast rate that I became worried. Did I teach you too much you already forget what it feels like to be a child?
One time, some boys in your class asked about me. They wanted to know who I was. You didn't tell them, your eyes revealing nothing. You were staring blankly at them when a boy punched you, sending you to the ground. They punched and kicked and hurt you, but you never spoke. Nor even cry. I rushed to your side and hugged you, taking the hits you didn't deserve. We went home silently after that. Your mother was in a state of panic at the sight of you. She reprimanded you for allowing yourself to be bullied, not even using judo as defense that you learned from your grandfather.
We were finally in the safety of your room, after your mother took care of your bruises. Silence fell between us. After a while, your soft voice rang across the room. "I don't want them to say bad things about you, that's why I kept silent. Because if they do, I'll punch them harder than this," He pointed at his cheek. "And you wouldn't like that."
I pulled you in an embrace, my heart filled with different emotions. I didn't know you care that much about me. It made me happy, that I was important enough for you to stand against all.
You enter adolescence, yet we remained inseparable. You used to tell me things like tennis and studies. It never changed. We face homework together, review for exams till late at night, and let out a small, indiscernible pleased look as you see your grades. You would ask for my guidance as you watch and hone your tennis team to the best of their abilities. You've grown much from that little baby bundled in cloth when I first met you. Girls began to take notice of your good looks. You became a popular student and people flocked around you.
I was afraid you will forget me, but you didn't. You still made time for me. Whenever you find things difficult, you turn to me for strength. When you felt alone in the sea of people, you seek me as companion. It never crossed my mind to leave you, now that you've showed me that my existence was never taken for granted.
Seasons came and passed, I was still here. You've grown into a man. That body, which was once thin and fragile, was now fit and healthy, an object of women's desire. Your face, despite getting older, remained to be angelic. Golden brown hair accentuating your small face, perfect nose, and cherry red lips. Your eyes were round, honey orbs, hidden by a pair of glasses. A look from you and women blush. A word from you and their knees go weak. An innocent gesture from you and they promise to become your wife.
Aside from your appearance, you were known to be a highly talented tennis player, and was a student of utmost excellence. You have an influential status as a high ranking executive in a successful company. You were prefect in every material aspect. That's what everyone sees and admires on you.
But unlike them all, I admire you for what you are. You help people when no one's watching. You always find good in others. You have a kind heart and a pure soul. It was enough for me to be with you even till eternity.
In all the years that I'm with you, I've only seen you cry a few times. Most of it was in childhood when your heart was still weak against pain. But tonight, as I watch you talk on the phone with an unreadable expression, I knew something was wrong.
You looked dazed as we walked to the house you no longer share with anyone. You didn't even speak a word to me. You opened the door and entered, going straight to your room. I followed like a dog, wondering what happened to you.
There, at the table beside your bed, was a picture frame. You took it in your hands and stared at it. Soon, crystal drops of tears fell from your eyes. You hugged the picture tightly as if it was human, your shoulders shaking in silent sobs.
I, despite not knowing, felt your pain and went by your side, pulling you into my arms and stroking your hair. I whispered comforting words to you as you wept.
With trembling lips, you spoke to me. "Syusuke…he left me…Ryoma…"
Those words were like thunder to my ears. The boy in the picture, who I finally know as Ryoma, was the one who broke your beautiful heart. You never told me who he was, and I never asked. You just said he was special and would often smile at that image. I saw him a few times in your life, greenish hair and cat-like amber eyes. But most of your conversations were through phone. I never implored your thoughts because that is your freedom and I trust you with whatever you do.
You looked as if it was the end. That loving him was all that mattered. For the first time in my life, I felt a strange emotion. It was not good, something I should never have.
I wondered why you weep for him that much. Why you wanted to end your life because he left. It was so selfish of you to try leaving me. Me who had been with you since you came to this world. Me who gave you strength when everything seemed hopeless. Me who shared your pain, happiness, and fear. Me who did nothing but love you, surpassing that of what was needed from me, love that evolved through the course of time.
And now you're broken. How come he deserves your love more than I? To the point that you will die for him and make me cry?
I sat there, frozen at my own thoughts. What had I been thinking? Why do I feel a pang of jealousy in my supposedly perfect heart? I should never interfere in your will, and never make you see me as better than him.
My body shook as everything came clear. I, whose, job was to protect and guide you, crossed the line to loving you. A kind of love that demands romance. A love that asks to be returned. It was foolish of me not to realize that the love I had for you had evolved from platonic to intimate, that through the years I sought to be treated like a father, brother, and now your lover.
It was against my oath, to love my subject more than what was required. For I am nothing but a follower, ordered to take good care of you. But I broke that and must repent. Must go back to what I should only be.
Surprisingly, I did not.
I held you in my arms and never wanted to let go. I don't care if I broke my code. I want to be the only one to wipe your tears and put smile on your lips. Nothing else mattered to me. Nothing but you.
We were in that same position when I felt a hand tap me. I looked up and saw my friends Eiji and Oishi standing before me, their eyes filled with concern. They asked me to come with them. I knew what was to happen, but I didn't care. On the contrary, I wanted it to happen. So I can finally love you without limit.
We went back to the white place, the other workers looking at me with sadness. I entered the room and found the elders discussing among themselves. They asked if it was true, that I fell in love with you. I knew then that my answer will decide my fate.
I said yes.
They asked me why. I did not answer. They asked me when. Still, I remained quiet. Truthfully, I myself do not know.
The decision was made. I will be punished for breaking my code. They led me out of the place and slashed my back, a reminder of what I have done. The pain was unbearable. Not only my back, but my soul felt torn into pieces. As my existence as a worker ended, thousand inexplicable emotions consumed me at once. Envy, sloth, jealousy, lust, hopelessness and others crept into my now vulnerable heart.
I walked unsteadily along the dusty road, my mind registering nothing but you and my pain. I concentrated hard in finding my way back to you. The pain blinded me, and I can feel the strength leaving my wounded body. Then everything went black.
I opened my eyes and saw the clear, blue sky. It was such a beautiful morning. I sat up and looked around. Just then, the door of your house opened and you came out. You looked at me in surprise, wondering how I came here. You asked if I was a new neighbor. I shook my head. Then you asked if I live somewhere. Again, I said no.
When you realized I have nowhere to go, you smiled at me and offered your hand. You helped me up and said I can stay with you. When you finally asked for my name, I looked into your eyes and gave a small smile.
Beginning my new life was difficult. I need to study everything again. Sure, I've seen how, but I've never done anything. I absorbed everything like a little kid, trying my best to learn so I won't be useless to you. Bit by bit I started getting accustomed, cleaning the house and washing the dishes. You wouldn't let me cook though when I almost cut my finger and burn the house.
You thought I had amnesia, and teach me things patiently. I did my best to follow and felt my heart flutter whenever I see your delighted look. I did my responsibilities like a good lover would. Sometimes you would take me outside for a treat or just go somewhere. I enjoyed all those moments, finally being with you without the glass of silence separating us.
One night, after all those practice, I finally made a dish. You stared at me in surprise and asked how I was able to cook. I pouted at your comment and said I cooked it because it was your favorite. You became even more surprised hearing that. I just flashed you a smile and began to eat. Of course I knew everything about you. You shrugged and joined me for dinner. While eating, you asked me.
"Why is your name Syusuke?"
I looked at you, mouth full of rice. We continued staring at each other, until you realized your question and apologized.
"Sorry. You just have the similar name of a friend."
I took a shower one humid night. I exited the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around my waist. I found you reading on the couch and said I was done. I was about to go to my room when you shouted.
"Syusuke! What happened to your back?"
Your eyes were filled with so much concern as you rushed to me and faced my back. You gently traced my scars with your fingers.
"Why do you have that? Who did this to you?"
I looked at your beautiful face. Your expression told me to speak. Giving a smile, I made my way to my room.
"Those scars are worth it."
We continued living together. Every day I would wake you up, your sleeping face illuminated by the morning sun. It's a wonder how someone like you can be so beautiful. My friends and even I were nothing compared to you. I would prepare breakfast and coffee for us and talk before you leave for work. Then I would kill the time by cleaning the house or simply staring at the window. Recently I learned to play the piano, and would practice in the afternoon. At night you would come home to the delicious aroma of dinner and rest your tired body on the couch. We would chat while eating, telling me how your day went.
This blissful routine went on. Even your friends thought we looked like a married couple. You just glaredat them and told me not to mind them. You said I was too beautiful for you, which made my heart do somersaults. I'm willing to do anything for you, giving up my everything for this. I know nothing can separate us now.
Until he arrived.
I was thinking what to cook for dinner when you came. Your aura seemingly restless, you told me someone was coming, and I need to prepare a special dinner. Thinking it was one of your friends, I followed what you said and made the best I could. You smiled at me and told me I was the best, before the doorbell rang and you ran to the door. I was setting the table when you called my name and I looked up.
Only to see a ghost standing beside you.
I felt my body freeze. Everything seemed to stop. You were holding him by the waist, his arm resting on yours. My mouth felt dry. It was like going back to the past. Only, this is more real than before. Back then my rival was nothing but a picture. Now he was breathing, alive, before me.
"Syusuke this is Ryoma. My boyfriend."
I heard a small crack.
I continued standing there, motionless. You offered him a seat and told me to sit down to. The entire dinner went in a blur. I couldn't remember anything. It was as if I was looking at you through a glass. Seeing but not hearing. You would ask me some questions and I would nod. You didn't pay attention to me and just looked at him the whole night.
I stared at your eyes. They were focused on him. But there was something more. They were filled with happiness. The kind I never saw when you look at me, that kind of longing as if you'll lose him.
I heard another crack.
You two were so sweet I was afraid you'll be swarmed with ants. You fed him as if he was incapable, wiping his lips when food smeared on it. You smiled at his cute actions and never let go of his hand. You continued like this in front of me, unaware of the storm building inside me.
I followed as you walked him to the door. There, I saw something I wished I did not.
You kissed him.
My cracked heart was shattered into pieces. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes, but I tried to fight them. I should not cry.
You walked up to me. I waited for you to speak. To tell me you were sorry. To tell me he was nothing compared to me. To tell me you love me more than him. To tell me all you need was me. And then you pulled me into a tight hug. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment of being close to you.
"Thank you Syusuke, for being my best friend."
That night, I couldn't sleep. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. Were all the things I did for you only seen as friendship? Do friends take care the way I did to you? Do friends give up their existence just to be with you? All along you saw me as nothing but a friend.
I thought the things we shared together were considered already as intimate. But I was wrong. Blinded with my love for you, I've forgot to ask if you felt the same way too. And in the many days we lived together, I realized one thing we never did.
Share a kiss.
That image of you and him, your lips perfectly fit together, was a hard slap on me. We aren't lovers. We never were.
On the other hand, it was my fault. I never told you what I felt. That's why you took my actions as a friend. If I tell you my feelings now, will you accept me?
It's far too late.
Even then and now, your heart belonged to no one but him. When I saw you cry because of him, I thought being me was useless. I cannot keep your love despite being with you all the time. And so I threw away my old self. I became like this, thinking this time, I can make you mine. Still, I failed. Everything I do was futile. Your heart didn't open no matter how hard I knocked. If I couldn't take you when he was just a picture, how can I now? He was a human now, and he loves you back. It's a hopeless fight.
Finally, when I resigned to the fact that you can never love me, I felt a hug from behind. I looked back and saw Eiji embracing me, his eyes filled with tears. He told me he was watching me the whole time, ever since I left the office. He told me he cannot bear to see me like this. I've been desperate for love once and paid for my life. Now I'm being desperate again and I can no longer exchange anything for it.
"Let go of him. Let go of this love. No matter how painful it is." He said. "What is there to do? Look at him just like old times, until you too die and wither away? It wasn't like before. Your short existence will be dedicated to a foolish wait." He said.
"What should I do now? Get out of here and never return? But where will I go? I tied my whole being to him." I answered back.
"You can always come back to us. You know that. We love you for as much as you love him. It will be painful, but it will save you a lot more pain in the future."
I stared at him for a while. He was right. There was nothing for me to hold on. I was not the one for you. Yet, I want to make sure. I cannot surrender until I've lost everything.
"I will talk to him."
I knocked on your door. You opened it and were surprised to see me. "Syusuke? What is it?"
"Can we talk?"
You opened the door a bit more. "Hn."
I stepped inside and faced you. "There is something I need to tell you." I drew a deep breath and stared at your eyes, putting all my years of longing and love in that one single look.
"I love you."
You went silent for a while, weighing if what I said was true. When you realized I was serious, you let out a sigh.
"I'm sorry. I have Ryoma now."
Whatever tiny hope I kept inside vanished. It was the last straw. Now you told me I never had a chance with you. That whatever illusions I had was just like that. Illusions.
There's no more reason for me to stay. I gave a nod and left. When I reached my room, I've made my decision. It won't be easy. I have to forget everything I had for you. Going back meant I need to face that same unbearable pain I took after choosing you. Going back meant I can no longer seek your love. Going back meant we have to return to being together, separated by a wall of silence, a curtain of blindness.
I went to my table and pull out a paper. This is my final goodbye. I should at least let you know about everything. My fingers raced through the paper, writing furiously. When you read this, I will be long gone. I just hope you'll be happy, and I will continue to watch over you. Putting down my pen, I let a single drop of tear fall before crumbling to the ground as the familiar wave of suffering entered me.
Kunimitsu found it hard to sleep after his talk with Syusuke. Answering him was not easy. He needed time to think. Syusuke had been nothing but special. The blue eyed man was a mystery. He found him at the foot of his door as if he fell from the sky. Ever since he came into his life, he felt like a presence unknown to him finally showed itself. His heart had always belonged to Ryoma. But having Syusuke felt more fitting. It felt as if he was a part of him, something he had ever since he could remember. Wanting to make things right, he went to his room and found no one. His eyes landed on the table and saw the object on it.
There, on the table, was a paper. He picked it up and a single, white feather fell. His eyes graced the letter, finding a tiny smear at the bottom.
I was once an angel.
I spent my eternity guiding and protecting humans.
It was an endless cycle, going from one person to another once their short lifespan ended.
Some of them I grew to hate.
Some of them I grew to love.
But there is only one whom I grew to love.
And that was the end.
End of being an angel.
End of my eternal life.
End of my forever happiness.
End of my joyous, wonderful job as winged guardian of God.
And yet it was the beginning.
Beginning of being a human.
Beginning of my short lifetime.
Beginning of my brief yet worthy euphoria
Beginning of my difficult, tiring life as favored creation of God.
I am now a human.
I spent my existence caring and loving the person I most valued.
It was an endless effort, doing one thing after another to make him happy endlessly.
Some of him I grew to change.
Some of him I grew to accept.
But still, there is only one whom he loved.
And that was the end.
End of my humanity.
And like a cycle, it went back to start.
Returning was excruciating.
My wings sprouted back as painful as my broken heart.
My body was cleansed as if it was ripped apart.
My purity returned, and so was my innocence.
I have forgotten romance, yet I retained love.
I went back to being an angel.
And went back to my endless cycle of watching him from above.
"You said you didn't need me in your life. I guess you were right. I'm letting go."
Your guardian angel,
Kunimitsu held the paper tightly; crying as the message sank in. Unseen by him, Syusuke embraced him tightly, placing a soft kiss on his lips.
A/N: okay, finished posting. i better go back. reality demands my presence. *poof*