|Author's Notes: This is a companon piece to Homecoming, one
of my on-going Seifer/Squall stories. It's Squall's perspective
on the story. I never expected to write this, but while working on some
scenes in Homecoming I realized there was so much that was missing with
only Seifer's pov. Besides, I think it might make some events in Homecoming
more interesting by knowing what really is going on. I also never
expected to write it, or anything else, in first person, but I felt it
worked, at least for this prologue.
It might be best to read at least the first several chapters of Homecoming first, but isn't necessary since the timeline is nearly concurrent. However, Homecoming is written more 'mysteriously' so as this story develops it may spoil events in Homecoming. Until I finish it, I will try to keep Homecoming ahead of this one to minimize spoilers.
Disclaimer: Square owns the characters and the world of FF8, I just play with them.
Warnings: YAOI (male/male romantic/sexual relationships), foul language, angst (always)...
Pairing: (eventual) Seifer/Squall
Everyone thinks it was Rinoa who helped me 'open up more'. To be 'freer with my feelings'. Whatever... But it wasn't. Not even close. It was Seifer. Yep, that cocky son-of-a-bitch. And he'd take that as a compliment. Always did. And it might be possible I threw it and it's many variants at him a few extra times just to see that damn arrogant smirk grow a little wider and his gorgeous eyes light up a little brighter. Might be. Maybe. Just a few...
I didn't realize it at first, but during that last battle -- the one where I thought I might actually have to kill him -- it all started to become clear to me. All the pieces in my life fell together. And I began to see. My life and his. My life and his, together.
During the battle I did what I had to do. That fuckin' bitch -- Adel, Ultimecia, whatever... -- she had to be stopped or else the entire world was fucked. Seifer was out of his fuckin' mind and in the way of taking her out. I had no choice. I'm a soldier. He's a soldier. I knew he would understand. Know it was nothing personal. Just the job. Not enemies, just opponents. Rivals in a different arena. But it didn't make it any easier. I told myself over and over and over 'it was just the way it was'.
So, why, when I saw him lying there, in his own blood, blood I spilled, did I feel like the biggest fuckin' bastard in the world? Why, having won, did I feel so defeated? Why did I feel like if I killed him it would be like killing myself?
But I didn't have the time to worry about all that. There was still a job to be done and of course ever dutiful me had to do it. So I left him lying there... and hoped he would be all right. Funny, hope's not exactly something I'm on close terms with, but there it was. I should have known better, because after we 'saved the day' and the world -- whatever... -- Seifer was gone. Not that anyone else seemed to notice or care. They were too busy celebrating. And I was too busy pretending it didn't matter.
It did. The more I tried to shut it away, to tell myself to 'suck it up, Seifer's dead', -- no sense in dwelling on what I couldn't change -- the more it took hold of me. And the more I realized how much he had really meant to me. He was my friend, reluctantly. Maybe. But my friend. Perhaps even my best friend. No matter how much I pushed him away, he came back, more smug than ever and more determined. Nothing could keep Seifer Almasy down. Except...
...I'm not going there.
When Sis left all those years ago... Well, it's not like I ever was like the rest of them. But Sis was... Sis. My big sister. She was like... like my voice. All the words in my head she somehow drew out of me, or knew. I was too young to look at it that way then, but she... she connected me. To her. To the rest of them. To the world.
When she left, she took my voice with her. My connection. I was alone. Surrounded by the others, but still alone. All I knew was myself. Inside. Quiet. Alone with only my thoughts. And no one who knew how to hear them anymore. Except me.
Part of me wanted to reach out to the other kids. To play. To connect. But I couldn't. I didn't know how. Without Sis I was lost. But, I didn't need them. I only needed me. Just me... I could fend for myself, take care of myself, because no one else could. Not truly. No one understood. No one. Except...
Him. It wasn't the same, yet it was. Or at least close enough. Where the others forced themselves on me, tried to push and shove at the walls I had built around myself, he just leapt on top those walls, balancing on their edge and beckoning with a cocky smirk and a challenge. Enticing me to the middle ground.
He gave me a different connection. A different voice; Instead of the substitute to my own, sort of a translator, Sis was. He... he dragged me out of me. Sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes literally. But it was me. Me.
I don't know how. Or why. But he did. Somehow he knew. He understood. And I think that might be why...
... it... I...
I was... am...
I can't believe I'm following that thought again. He's gone. Gone. And no amount of thinking about him and how I screwed up is going to change that. It's like Sis all over again. But worse...
Now everyone expects something from me I can't really give. Not to them. And them trying to force it from me just reminds me all the more of what I've lost this time. When he... when Seifer... fuck... Fuck! ...Why... why... does it hurt... so much? When he... died... he... he did take me with him. And it's fucking hell to pretend I'm still here.
The bastard! Why the hell did he have to do this to me? He...
They're always crowding me. Asking if I'm okay. What I'm feeling. Expecting me to have 'fun'. And for some fucking reason they think they know me and what I want. That if I'm being my 'gloomy self' something's wrong and of course they're all 'here for me' to make it better.
I'm tired of it! And I'm tired of them and Rinoa constantly shoving her in my face! Demanding I feel something I don't! But I'm 'supposed to'. Why! Anytime I'm a little preoccupied or enjoying a little breathing space, there she is.
'Rinoa, he opens up to you, talk to him.' I don't know where they get that fucked-up idea from. The only reason I say anything is because they've gotten so damn uppity ignoring them doesn't work anymore! I'm fucking sick of this shit! Why won't they just leave me the hell alone? My feelings are my feelings. None of their damn business! Just leave me alone!
Note... to... self... walls are... harder... than fists.
Fuck,... that hurts!
A/N: From here on the story will follow the events from Homecoming,
but from Squall's pov, bringing in a side of the story that can't be seen
through Seifer's eyes. It's helping me get a little more 'inside Squall's
head' which is helping me, I hope, in his scenes in Homecoming.