Truth and Consequences
AUTHOR: Spike Girl
PAIRING: S/B implied, and another one implied...Angel and someone else. I don't want to give it away :).
RATING: PG-13...I think...
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And really, I think the world's better off for it. KEEP IT, JOSS! All I'm asking for is Spike...
SUMMARY: In response to sorceress802000's fic challenge. It's located at the end.
FEEDBACK: Flames are welcome and appreciated. Maybe then all my *FRIENDS*
will finally realize that I'm not cut out for this whole fanfiction
thing...E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
SPOILERS: Very general for S6 of BtVS and S3 of AtS.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Why do I keep torturing myself by writing this garbage? *sigh* Glutton for punishment, I guess. Anyway, if male/male relationships bother you, even just a LITTLE, this may not be the fic for you. Nothing really blatant, but I don't want to offend anyone. And thank you, Trixx, for the title/rating assistance ;). Love you!
"Angel Investigations, how may I help you?"
"Uhh..." The male voice at the other end of the line stammered. "May I speak to Angel?"
"He's not taking any calls at the mo--"
"Please. It's urgent."
Cordelia sighed. It was always urgent. You'd think they were in the business of saving people's lives or something. Oh...wait...
"Angel!" She shouted up the stairs. "Phone call. He says it's urgent."
She heard a few grunts and the creaking of floorboards as Angel moved to answer the phone. As soon as Cordelia heard him pick up on the other line, she hung up.
"Angel Investigations, Angel speaking. What's the problem?"
"Actually...the problem is YOU."
"The problem is...what?" Angel scrunched his face in confusion. "Sir? Are you sure you have the right number?" Hopefully, this call wouldn't take long. He had a business to run, a son to catch up with, and...Oh. Right. Who was he kidding? Cordelia and the gang had things under control at the office. Connor was out with Gunn learning the finer points of the LA, and here he was, sitting in his room. Alone. The way he always ended up.
"...are you even listening to me?" The man sounded slightly impatient. Angel quickly shook himself from his hourly "wallowing in self-pity" session and focused on the caller.
"Sorry about that. You were saying?"
"I know we've never met. In fact, you probably don't even know who I am. But I have something...something that I have to confess to you. Something I've never told anyone before."
"And that would be...."
"I love you."
"Oh, God...I knew it! I knew you wouldn't feel the same way. Someone as amazing as you could never feel the same way about a lowly, worthless, NOTHING like me. I knew this was a STUPID idea. I should never have called. I should never have told you. What was I thinking? Look, Angel, I'm really sorry. Can we just...let's just...Please--forget this ever happened. I promise I'll never bother you again."
Angel was miffed. He attempted to hold it in, but the floodgates burst open. He...was laughing. Not just laughing. This was gut-busting, belly- rumbling chortling.
"So...let me get this straight. I don't know you. We've never met. You've never even seen me and you're madly in love with me? Oh, man. This is classic!"
The voice at the other end choked back tears. "I said I'd never bother you again. You didn't have to go and make fun of me. It's not my fault. I just can't control these feelings. It's...They're consuming me. You're all I can think about. I can't eat. Can't sleep. Whenever I start to doze of, all I can see is your handsome face. Taunting me. Do you know what it's like? To love someone so much and know that you can never have them?"
Angel heard a muffled voice for a moment as the mystery caller fumbled with the phone. After the commotion settled down, he sank back into his chair morosely.
"Actually...I know all to well what it's like to love someone and not be able to have them. I don't know how much you know about me, but if you knew me at all....Why I'm here in LA instead of back..."
"...here in Sunnydale with me. Yeah, I heard about the Buffy deal. It sounds to me like you still kind of have a thing for her. Now that's she's with Sp--"
He heard the receiver hit the floor and what sounded like a heated argument.
"Hello? Uh...person? What were you saying about Buffy? And who ARE you anyway? I mean, you know she's the Slayer....Hey! This isn't some kind of test or something, is it? Did Buffy put you up to this? I'm still single, if that's what she's wondering. Besides, I have to tell you that I'm not even INTERESTED in men. At all. If anyone ever said anything similar to that, they were just joking. Because never, EVER, have I exhibited homosexual tendencies. NEVER. And if maybe ONE time I said a certain peroxide blonde male was attractive, it was only because I was under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. I mean, I was totally plastered. Besides--I hadn't seen him for DECADES, and then BOOM. All of a sudden, he waltzes into my town and I show up at the school, and he's just THERE looking all sweaty and--"
"Umm...Angel? Look, before you go on..."
Splintering wood and someone shouting "why the bloody hell did you stop him" could faintly be heard in the background. Angel was too intent on asserting his manliness to pay any attention to it.
"Sorry. I just...I have to go now. There's a thing. Yep. A thing that I have to take care of. Business, you know. But it was very nice talking to you…"
"Clem. Clem? What an interesting name. Is it short for anything?"
"Clement. It's a family name. My uncle on my mother's side. Mom always thought it would be a nice name for a son, and here I am."
"Clement." The name rolled of Angel's tongue smoothly. "I like it. I mean, with a name like Angel, you kind of develop a penchant for unusual names. Clem..."
"Didn't you say you had something important to do? I wouldn't want to keep you or anything."
"Oh. Right." Angel, of course, still somewhat shocked from Clem's revelation, didn't think to ask how Clem had found out about him or obtained his phone number. That would make too much sense.
"So...Maybe we can talk again sometime? I've really enjoyed our conversation. And we never have to mention that...you know. That THING."
"Sure, Clem. I'd like that. A lot." Angel smiled. Despite all the hardships he'd faced as of late, this man could still make him smile. It was refreshing. And to be loved again...Even by a complete stranger who was the wrong gender based on his sexual preference because he would never EVER even entertain the thought of having relations with another male...it was nice. If he hadn't had those few drinks an hour ago, he'd swear he was feeling warm fuzzies.
Clem's smile could be heard across the telephone line. "Great! If you feel like giving me a call, just dial over to the Magic Box. Do you have the number here?"
Angel jotted down the number and hung up the phone, a grin spreading from ear to ear. HE had an admirer.
Clem had barely hung up the phone before the loud, raucous laughter filled the store.
"Oh, that was brilliant, Clem! Bloody brilliant! And I told you the ponce would fall for it. Hook, line, and sinker. He never was too bright. But the sound of his voice when he told you he had never thought about being with another man...And ME, of all people! I knew it. I KNEW it!"
Clem took a seat behind the counter and glanced over at Spike. "You don't know for SURE though. He did deny it. And it does sound like he still has a thing for B--"
"Don't you DARE say it," Spike ground out. "The Slayer's my girl now, and I'll kill any bloke who says otherwise. We clear on that?"
He held his arms up in front of him in an expression of innocence. "You know I didn't mean anything by it, Spike. Anyone can see she's crazy about you. I thought..."
"I know, I know. Just makin' sure, mate. You can never be too sure around here. All sorts of beasties just waiting to snatch up someone as perfect as she is."
Clem hid a small smile behind his fleshy arm. Spike not in love...right. It was written as plain as day across his face. He'd do anything for the Slayer. He shook his head. He hated to see the next demon who crossed her path and made her angry. Their death would be slow and painful.
Spike leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms behind his head. "I just have to take this moment to thank whoever invented the speaker phone. If I didn't hear it with my own ears, I'd never believe it." He grinned and turned towards Clem. "Clem? What an...interesting name. Why don't you come over and tell me *exactly* how you got it?" He laughed even louder than before, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. A thought struck him and he straightened up immediately.
"You know what this means, Clem."
Clem looked nervous. "Aw, come on, Spike. It was all in fun. I mean, you DID find out what you wanted to know, after all. Can't we just leave it at that?"
Spike stood up and approached him menacingly, his steely blue eyes narrowing. "We had an agreement, MATE. It's time you honored your part."
With a sigh, Clem walked over to the counter and handed Spike his duffel bag. "I still think the happiness and laughter I gave you was payment enough. I haven't seen you this happy since that night you and B--" He caught himself. "Since the last time you creamed us all in a round of poker. But if you INSIST..."
With a smile, Spike peeked into the bag. He reached in gently and gave a small pat to its contents.
"The Nibblet's going to LOVE this. She's been on the Slayer's case to get her a pet for years, an' now ol' Spike's gone and won her the perfect kitten. Just LOOK at the little guy." Spike held the kitten out to Clem. "He's bleedin' adorable! She'll go crazy!" With a happy smile, he gently tucked the kitten back into the bag, making sure to leave it open enough so he wouldn't suffocate.
"I still can't believe I lost that bet. When you asked me to find out if Angel's whole superiority complex was just to cover an...inadequacy...I figured calling him and asking him straight out would work. You somehow convinced me the subtle approach was the way to go...and the undying love thing seemed like a good idea at the time. But now..." A panicked look came over Clem's face. "What if he's angry? What if he comes here looking for me? Tries to track me down for annoying him? And...Spike! I gave him my real name!"
Spike smiled. "Clem, calm down. First off--you lost, fair and square. You bet that he had hair implants...Not that anyone could blame you, of course. I said that I thought it was something of a...different...nature. You bet me a newborn calico that it was the hair. What was I supposed to do? Turn down an easy kitten?"
"But...you KNEW that his hair was real! And you sat here and listened as I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. You didn't say anything! Now a vampire in LA with obvious homosexual tendencies thinks I want him. What's he going to do to me?"
"Look, mate. He's never met you, he doesn't know where you live, and if he ever DOES want to meet you, the minute he finds out you know me, he won't have anything to do with you ever again. Besides, he's all souled and whatnot. It's not like he'd kill you or anything if he found out you were leading him on. At least...I don't THINK he would..."
Noting Clem's stunned expression, Spike slapped him on the back heartily.
"Clem! Come on! You HEARD him. He's horrified at the prospect of someone thinking he's a poofter. You had one conversation, he'll forget about it, and find some nice girl to shag. You have NOTHING to worry about."
Clem smiled. "You know what? You're right Spike. So, we still going to see the new Star Wars together?"
"I was at the New York premiere for the very first one. Wouldn't miss it for the world."
The two demons walked out of the shop, one gingerly carrying a small bag. Buffy and Anya passed them as they entered the store.
"What were they doing in here?" Buffy mused.
"I don't know, but I swear, if they so much as TOUCHED the cash register..."
The phone ringing interrupted her tirade.
"You've reached the Magic Box, your one stop shop for all things mystical and magical. Anya speaking, how may I help you?"
"Hey baby," a breathy voice on the other end cut through the sales pitch. "What are you wearing?" After a second of hesitation, as Anya motioned Buffy over to the counter and pressed the button to put the phone on speaker, the voice continued.
"I've been thinking about you all night, baby. I don't know why I was so hesitant earlier. All I know is I hung up, and...I missed you. Now I'm sitting here all alone...naked. Just imagining what you'd be doing to me if you were here. Mmmm...It's like you're here in bed with me. This is your hand running up and down my cock slowly...Oooohhh." The loud sound of bedsprings could be heard, along with low moans and grunts.
Buffy and Anya clamped their hands over their mouths as the show continued.
"How'd you get so good at this? You know just what I like. Ugghhh...Slow down, or I'm gonna....Oh, yeah. Yeah. YES! YESYESYESYESYES!!!! OH GOD! OH YES! CLEM!!! CLEEEEM!! I LOVE YOU!!"
The heavy breathing over the phone continued. Then, it hit her.
"A...ANGEL??" Buffy's eyes widened.
"Oh, SHIT!" The receiver clicked and Buffy and Anya were left staring at each other, mouths gaping open.
Once again that evening, hysterical laughter rang through the Magic Box.
"Wait until Spike hears about this..."
I challenge all "Buffy" (or possibly "Angel" fans) to write a fic where one of the characters (OTHER than Buffy, please?) realizes their love for Angel.