A/N: Thank you Nyx Nuit for giving me my new favourite word. Kawkward. Kinky-Awkward. Which describes Jasper and Bella's tentscapades perfectly, and which may have been used a little too liberally in this chapter.
Well that was fucking awkward.
Seriously. I haven't had this issue since college. I have the self-control of a monk. Which makes the fact that I was just grinding my dick into my best friend really fucking awkward.
Thank fuck she was asleep.
I strip off my shirt, and take a running jump into the spring. There's nothing like the ice cold natural spring water of the Pacific Northwest to kill a boner.
"Jasper, what the fuck are you doing?" Edward's voice calls out as I surface.
"The camping version of a cold shower."
"Why?" Emmett asks. He, Edward and Peter are making breakfast over the fire. I really hope Edward was the one to light the fire.
"I would really like to not share at this moment in time."
Emmett looks like he's just swallowed a rotten egg, but Peter and Edward are laughing like hyenas. I fucking hate my friends some time.
"Dude!" Emmett growls.
"I said I didn't want to share. It is not my fault your mind went there." Is the only reply I can come up with?
He throws a piece of sausage at my head.
Chelsea and Heidi come running out of the tent, wearing bathing suits. Felix slinks behind them, having apparently changed back from hell-raising child into sulky pre-teen. He seems to yo-yo between the two at an alarming pace, and Nessie follows behind, her hair scraped back in a ponytail, and for once not wearing a ridiculous amount of dark eye make-up. It makes her look so young, and it makes me more than a little sad that we're only just getting to know her.
The twins catapult into the spring, and I spend a while throwing them around and acting as a life raft for the terrible twosome. Nothing like shrieking children to take your mind off things.
The girls roll out of the tents as breakfast is ready, and I snicker at the fact that all 6 of them are wearing hats and sunglasses.
"What's with the anti-paparazzi look? You all realise that a) there are no photographers around here and b) you bitches ain't famous," Peter hollers.
"a) Fuck you b) Good luck getting any. Ever again. c) The lack of mirrors and electrical appliances means hats and glasses," Charlotte snarls, hurling a hairbrush at her husband.
Bella grabs Tanya's arm before they reach us, dragging her off towards the trees.
"What's up with them?" I ask. Bella's face is bright red and Tanya has a gleeful smile as they dart into the woods.
"They're probably just plotting more ways to make Edward's head explode," Emmett snickers.
"Which head?" Rosalie wiggles her eyebrows, and Edward groans, collapsing backwards onto the grass.
"I hate you all so fucking much."
We scarf down breakfast. Fresh air really does tend to make you ravenous. Bella and Tanya sneak back, and I had over Bella's plate. Her face is still bright red.
"Did you catch the sun yesterday? You're face looks burned," I asks, catching her chin as she turns tries to turn her head to her plate.
"Huh? What? Oh! Yes! Yep! That's what it is!" She mumbles, before shoving an entire piece of toast into her mouth.
I love her, but that girl is fucking nuts.
Tanya is snickering as she drinks her coffee. Those two must be plotting something. Either that, or Tanya's managed to completely horrify Bella with her plans for Edward.
I do not want to know. Ever.
We make it back to the Cullen's by midday, and find Dad's rental car parked haphazardly in the drive.
"Looks like the dirty stop outs made it home after all," Nessie giggles as we all tumble out of our cars.
Sure enough, as we enter the house, we find Dad, Carlisle and Charlie sprawled across the couches in the living room.
"Someone party hard?" I ask, snickering at their haggard faces.
"Charlie! Nate! Carlisle! Get in the goddamn shower. I will not have you smelling like a distillery at my daughter's wedding!" Mom's voice reverberates through the air, and it's pitched at a frequency to make me twitch, never mind the whiskey-soaked trio who are trying to slip into unconsciousness.
Who also now look a little like they want to rip off their own ears.
Mom, Esme and Sue make their way into the living room, corralling the men into getting up of their asses and into the shower.
They're dressed to perfection, and do not at all look like they've caught a red-eye to get home after drinking so much they ended up in a different state.
"Okay. We're heading over to the beach to make sure everything is set up. Make sure those useless idiots get their asses over there as soon as they're ready," Mom says, kissing Rosalie and Emmett on the cheek.
"I'll drive them over. Pretty sure that they'd still probably blow the legal limit, knowing how you three drink," Edward replies, smirking at them.
"Oh hush darling. You're just jealous." Esme replies, patting him on the cheek before they depart.
"Okay. Girls, third floor. Boys, second. Get ready. We're leaving at 6PM." Alice announces, somehow managing to herd the five other women, one teen and two small children towards the stairs. Considering she's only slightly taller than a smurf, it's really quite an accomplishment.
Because we're guys, we make our way up to the second floor and take over one of the spare bedrooms, and relax for a while. Felix takes a nap, because apparently he stayed awake for the entire night. Even he knows not to sleep where the gruesome twosome might get him.
"So. We have 5 hours to waste." Emmett announces
"Xbox?" Peter asks.
And that's how we spend the next 6 hours.
At five, we start to get ready. By half five, we're ready.
Seriously. Shower, shave, put on clothes. I will never understand girls. And Edward, who is still fiddling with his hair at five to six.
Dad smacks him over the back of the head, while Tanya and Jane snicker as they descend the stairs.
"Okay you bunch of idiots. Time to roll," Jane hollers, twirling Alice's car keys around her finger.
"Alice is letting you take her car?" Peter sounds terrified.
"Ha. No. She hasn't realised that her keys are gone yet. It is my wedding present to Emmett," She grins, tossing the keys into his hand.
Emmett's been trying to get Alice's keys since she bought the car. She sleeps with those keys underneath her pillow. Jane is obviously a kleptomaniac. That should be interesting come September.
"You are my new favourite. The rest of you have been replaced. Jane is my favourite." Emmett announces, bouncing around the hallway.
"Even over my daughter?" Dad growls. Emmett turns, his head snapping back and forward between Dad and the keys in his hand.
He eventually nods, looking like he's waiting to be shot.
"Yeah. I'd probably have the same reaction," Dad snickers, patting Em on the shoulder.
"Dude. Why you gotta do that?" Emmett whines, and the rest of us just laugh.
"It's my God-given privilege to drive fear into the heart of my son-in-law," He replies.
"Yeah, but do you have to practically make me crap my pants?"
"Yes," Dad smirks, before waving us out of the building. I jump into the car with Emmett, while Edward, Peter, Felix, Tanya and Jane climb into my car.
Tanya is a fucking evil bitch and I wish I'd never talked to her because she is absolutely no fucking help at all.
Her exact response to finding out about Tentgate?
"Why the ever-loving fuck did you pretend to be asleep? Why didn't you grind back?" She'd asked.
"Because it was awkward as all hell. He tried to catapult himself away the minute he realised what was going on!"
"What the fuck is kawkward?" Sometimes, I do not understand Tanya at all. And I mean that she is not speaking English right now.
"When something is both kinky and awkward in equal measures. Kawkward." She replies, smirking.
I fucking hate Tanya.
"You need to stop spending your lunch hour reading Urban Dictionary."
"I do not. You, on the other hand, need to stop dancing around the whole you-want-to-bang-your-best-friend thing, and actually bang him, soon, because the sexual tension, while awesome at first, is actually beginning to slowly kill me, especially because Edward has yet to crack." The fact that she gets that out in all one breath is, well, a little impressive.
"That's crazy! He is my best friend. If things didn't work out, do you know how disastrous that would be? I spend every day with him. I work with him. I live with him. Do you know how terrible that could be?"
"Do you know how amazing it could be? You know each other inside out. You already know that he is legitimately one of the most amazing guys in the world. Do you think that if there was anything that would cause you guys to implode, you'd already know about it?"
She makes a decent point. Which is just annoying.
"No buts. Just... think about it. Maybe get your flirt on at the wedding. See how it feels. If it feels awkward, and I mean actually awkward, then you can blame it on that romantic haze that weddings inevitably cause."
"That... is not a terrible idea."
"No it's not. I don't have terrible ideas. I am made of awesome."
I roll my eyes, but follow her back to the campsite. Where Jasper is waiting. And he's saved me food. And now my face is bright red.
Just... I really fucking hate the Swan genetic sometimes. This blush? All Charlie's fault.
After grabbing my plate from Jasper, and making a spectacular fool of myself by claiming to be sunburned, things quickly devolve into their usual mess of yelling, mocking, teasing and hair pulling. And that's the adults.
We manage to get back to the Cullen's in one piece, which may actually be a first for a camp-out which involves both Peter and Emmett.
The fact that no-one lost any hair to the fire is a testament to the fact that Rosalie and Charlotte have those boys on leashes.
Once the boys have been left to their own devices and Alice has somehow managed to force the rest of us into getting ready, the torture begins
And I'm not talking figuratively. I've been plucked and shaved and buffed and scrubbed to within an inch of my life.
As have the rest of us. Alice is the devil.
"Alice is the devil!" Tanya whispers harshly after we've been 'dealt' with. We're basically sitting in our underwear, because Alice refuses to let us put our dresses on until we leave.
She's currently working her devil magic on Rosalie in the bathroom, but the girl has the ears of a bat, and whispering is probably a good idea.
"Is she on drugs? Because I swear at one point I tried to escape and she managed to force me back into my seat with like, her pinkie."
"She is completely unmedicated. She's actually the only person I've ever met who's eaten a pot brownie and become even more frantic."
That's not a lie. In college she ate 3 pot brownies and cleaned her apartment from top to bottom. And then ours. Including Emmett's room. Which was a disgusting, horrific mess.
"I am in no way surprised." Jane adds "I switched her coffee out with decaf a couple of weeks after we started dating. It made her worse."
"You better hope she never finds out. Edward tried it when they lived together in college. She glues his dick to his happy trail in his sleep."
"Yes, but I give her orgasms on a regular basis." Jane replies smugly.
"Even orgasms won't save you if she finds out," I reply.
"You people are so fucking weird." Nessie announces.
"No shit Sherlock. Alice! Get your ass in gear. We have to leave soon!" Charlotte hollers, handing Jane and Tanya their dresses.
They dress quickly, heading downstairs to head to the beach with the guys, and Alice finally releases Rosalie from her evil clutches.
Rosalie walks out in her dress. She looks stunning. Her hair is down, flowing down her back in soft waves. Her make-up is understated, making her blue eyes look huge.
Her dress is perfect, a floaty ivory coloured lace dress that stops just below her knees, a cream coloured silk sash tied around her waist. It has capped sleeves, and stops just below her knees. She's wearing silk ballet flats.
She looks like a princess.
"You look amazing," Nessie says reverently.
"You really do Rosie," I grin.
"I know," She replies happily. I've never seen her so happy.
"Okay bitches. It's show time. Put your dresses on." Alice orders as she leaves the bathroom, her own dress already on, her hair curling softly around her face.
Nessie, Charlotte and I grab our dresses, pulling the pale blue silk dresses on. They hit just below the knees, with a sweetheart neckline.
We all look pretty fucking fantastic to be honest.
We get downstairs, and Alice looks a little frantic.
"My car keys are missing."
"They're not missing. Your girlfriend stole them. Emmett has already taken the car." Nate sings as he strolls into the hallway, before stopping short as his gaze falls on Rosalie. He stares at her, his eyes misty.
"Dad, you're freaking me out."
"Sorry sugar. You look beautiful," He smiles, his voice thick. "My baby girl is getting married!" He grabs her round the waist, spinning her around.
"Dad! I will hurl! I will hurl all over you!"
"Nate if you crease her dress I will cut you! Don't think I won't!" Alice screeches, stomping her foot.
Nate laughs as he releases his daughter, kissing her cheek.
"You wouldn't dare fun-size. You love me," He croons, grabbing her hand and twirling her around. "All my girls look beautiful. Now. Let's roll. We've got a wedding to get to."
We get into the car, after about ten minutes of Alice frantically fussing to make sure that none of us will crease our dresses.
It takes fifteen minutes to get us to the beach. It would normally be a twenty minute drive, but like most of the people in my life, Nate drives like a maniac. Considering he taught Jasper, Rosalie and Alice how to drive, it may actually all be his fault.
We climb out of the car, and Alice spends another five minutes fluffing and smoothing and being a general nuisance.
"Please quit it. We sort of have plans that don't include being pinched to death by devil pixie fingers!" Nessie shrieks, and we're finally free. Rosalie is giddy, and I'm so happy I could burst.
Today my soul-sister becomes my actual sister. It's kind of awesome.
"Let's get me married bitches!" She hollers, shattering the Disney princess vibe she's been rocking. It's better that way I suppose. Rosalie has never been the princess type.
"Let's do this!" Charlotte yells, and we make our way towards the shoreline.
Esme, Sue and Maria have done an amazing job. There are torches set up along the path towards the area where they've set up seats, and there are fairy lights entwined around the seats, twinkling white. I can just make out the guys as we make our way down the beach, Emmett's hulking form seeming to be bouncing up and down in place next to Reverend Webber.
Then again, he's not the only one. Rosalie's face looks like it's about to split in two, she's grinning so hard, and she's pulling against Nate's arm in an effort to get there faster.
"I guess I don't have to bother asking if you've got cold feet, huh?" He snickers, and Rosalie scowls darkly at him before propelling him forward.
The guys are waiting at the front of the makeshift aisle, Edward and Peter snickering at the happy couple's enthusiasm.
My eyes land on Jasper, and I feel my heart thump against my ribcage.
He looks beautiful. The light from the setting sun and torches dance across his face, and he is breathtakingly beautiful. He smiles, and my knees feel weak.
I hear can practically hear Tanya snickering in my head.
He takes my arm, looking it through his, Edward doing the same with Alice. Charlie grins at Nessie, taking her arm, and Peter and Charlotte share a kiss before assuming the same position.
"Well, boys and girls. Let's do this thing!" Nate hollers, and I can hear Sue and Esme start to snicker, and Maria buries her face in her hands.
We walk down the aisle, and my big brother looks so fucking happy. He's smiling so hard his cheeks are going to hurt for days, and he's staring straight past us, eyes fixed on his soon-to-be-bride.
Jasper and I reach the altar, and move apart. Jasper moves to stand next to Emmett, clapping him on the shoulder. The big idiot doesn't even realise, still grinning at Rosalie. I move to stand on the other side of Reverend Webber. Alice, Charlotte and Nessie soon join me as the boys line up next to Jasper.
And then Rosalie and Nate reach the altar. They both look so freaking happy that it makes my heart swell. Because I know no matter what, there will never be anyone that makes my oaf of a brother happier than Rosalie, and vice versa.
The ceremony is short, filled with promises of devotion and love. It's perfect and sweet and wonderful.
"You may now kiss the bride," Reverend Webber finishes, smiling gently at the two.
And then Emmett ruins the sweet, romantic mood by grabbing Rosalie by the waist, yanking her towards him and giving her the filthiest kiss I've ever had the misfortune to witness from the two of them.
"Alright! I got me a wife! Now let's get this party started!" He yells.
"Hells yes! Let's dance, bitches!" Rosalie hollers, dragging Emmett down the aisle towards the tent that's been set up for the reception.
Charlie and Maria both look mortified, and Alice looks like she'd put a bullet in Emmett's head if she had a gun, but Nate and Carlisle are leaning against each other in the seats, looking like they're about to piss themselves laughing, and Sue and Esme aren't far doing any better.
I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything different really. If no-one finds them going at it in a car later, it'll be a goddamn miracle.
"Come on sugar," A voice whispers in my ear, and I almost jump out of my skin. Jasper is standing next to me, an eyebrow raised at my reaction, before he wraps an arm around my waist. I can feel the heat from his palm through my dress, and it feels like his handprint is permanently seared into the skin of my waist where it rests. "Let's dance."
Well. This won't end well at all.
A/N: Wooo! Look who managed to not go six months before a new chapter was posted! Oh yeah! That's right! Me! Fuck yes!