Prompt: "I was thinking of writing this, and I still might, but … Chell teaching andoid-GLaDOS to, ah… self-pleasure." -Vaniterra

If you want a little one shot fic, head on over to my Tumblr and send in a prompt! Can't promise I'll do them all, but I'll certainly give it a go between chapters of The Garter.


"WHAT IS IT? What are you doing? ARE YOU DYING? Choking? ANSWER ME!" GLaDOS wailed as she loomed over a rather terrified looking test subject wrapped up in her sheets.

Chell's eyes darted to the door that was now lying on the floor, having been booted in and broken from the hinges and in half from an almighty kick by an over-concerned android barging in on her privacy.

"Oh my fucking GOD, GLaDOS! Get out!" she finally found her voice, pulling the sheets up a little higher around her chest as a dark blush started to coat her cheeks. "Wait a minute, do you have cameras in here?"

"Of course I have cameras in here. I have cameras everywhere in this facility. How else am I supposed to monitor it? I refuse to leave until I find out why you were writhing about in pain. Do you need a medical examination?"

"I don't need a fucking medical examination!" the dark-haired test subject hissed. "Just get out!"

"Are you sure? You look like you're developing a fever. Or maybe you're just overheating on your generous fat supplies. Whales and seals use their blubber to keep them warm in frigid arctic temperatures, but somebody seems to have forgotten to give you the memo that we're not actually in the arctic. Therefore, your insulation is unnecessary. Dispense of it immediately so that normal sleep patterns can resume."

"I wasn't sleeping! Why aren't you leaving?"

"Then what were you doing? And since when do you go to bed without your clothing on?"

Chell's blush only darkened at that particular mention, leaving a blotchy pink spatter of colour across her chest and arms. "I can't believe you've been spying on me."

"I wasn't spying. I was monitoring. One can never be too safe with you in this facility. I bet you're ready to destroy it at a moment's notice." The android haughtily sniffed.

"Then why the hell are you so concerned about my wellbeing, huh?"

"As part of the Aperture Science Amicable Co-Existence Partnership Initiative, I am required to be at least marginally concerned for your health and safety."

"Oh, great. Does that come with a free Anti-Privacy package as well? Because it sure as hell seems like it."

"I honestly don't know why you need privacy. What have you to got to hide? I have all your body scans of file. I bet I know you better than you know yourself."

"I can hardly know myself if you keep interrupting me." Chell muttered under her breath, her hands wringing the sheets.

"Maybe I can help you?" GLaDOS started forward.

"NO! NO YOU CAN'T! I mean-...I'm perfectly fine with doing this myself. Just leave me alone, and take your cameras with you." She fidgeted.

"Now listen here, tubby. I can do whatever you can do, and I can do it better."

"Then go and test yourself and leave me out of it."

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused." Chell made a shooing motion while the other hand continued to clutch her sweat-soaked sheets to her chest.

GLaDOS didn't move however, and continued to stare at the woman who was acting rather strangely. Testing herself? What an absurd concept. She made tests. She didn't do them. Testing was for humans and robots, as far as she was concerned.

"Testing for me is your job. You're the test subject."

"I wasn't talking about that kind of test."

"What other kind of testing is there?"

"Oh my god. Didn't anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees?"

"I'd rather not learn about birds. We all know where that got us in the past. The Great Bird Rebellion of 200- will forever live on in infamy in the hearts and minds of all those who were affected by it." The supercomputer sighed in remembrance.

"Not those kinds of birds and bees. Oh god, this is awkward. Why am I even talking about this with you?" Chell groaned, burying her face in her knees.

"You're not talking about anything. You're just-"

"MASTURBATING! I was masturbating, okay? I had my hands between my legs, doing all sorts of nasty things, because I had this place to myself. And then you had to come in and RUIN IT!" the test subject yelled. "You are such a cock block. If there was one involved, that is. You're so good at it I can't even have sex with myself."

GLaDOS's processors whizzed through the information that she was presented with, and anyone watching would have swore she turned a little green.

"Oh. Oh."

"Yes. Oh. NOW will you leave me alone?"



A smile crossed GLaDOS's face as she took a seat at the end of the bed and crossed her legs. With elbows resting upon her knees and her head in her hands, she peered across at the test subject with the shocked expression.

"I am sorely lacking in data on human mating rituals. This will provide a perfect opportunity for further study. Continue."

"Oh no you don't. I am not doing that in front of you." Chell protested vigorously.

"And why not? You've already held science back by killing me and removing fatal elements from my testing courses for the simple fact that you don't want to die. This is what science is all about. Fun and learning." GLaDOS helpfully pointed out.

"That might be so, but human euphoria is a whole lot different to whatever programming you've got. And it's a hell of a lot more private. I can't just...y'know."

"Which is why this is a perfect opportunity. For me. And no, I don't."

The test subject could have almost torn her hair out by the roots. Why was she making this so incredibly difficult? She would have tested for a week straight if it meant that she could go back in time and take back all that had just happened. Damn GLaDOS and her stealthy new body. Ever since she had made it, she absolutely no warning of when she was going to show up and interrupt things for science. Or so she claimed.

"Can't you just play with yourself or something and figure it out?" her argument was getting weaker by the second.

"I lack the necessary...arrangements."

"This is not happening. It's not. It's just a bad dream. It's not happening." Chell groaned as she flopped back down to land on her pillow. Unfortunately, just because she had shut her eyes tightly and could no longer see the supercomputer didn't mean that she no longer existed. And also unfortunate was the fact that GLaDOS was all too happy to remind her of the fact that it actually was happening, and that it wasn't a dream at all. "You've already ruined the mood by barging in here like that."

"Mood can easily be restored through appropriate environmental controls. Will smooth jazz and a reduction in ambient lighting be sufficient to meet your highly demanding needs? Or do I need to supplement it with barnyard sounds as well, to make you feel more at home?"

"A new door might help..." Chell muttered, eyeballing the broken piece of wood that now did nothing to stop the artificial lighting from spilling in.

"There's nobody down here except for us."

"That's not the point. It just feels...safer. And cosy. Did I mention private? Privacy is VERY important for mood."

"Just pretend I'm not here." the white haired female suggested while a panel on the wall shifted, revealing a large claw that tugged away the broken pieces of wood and drilled in some new hinges to attach another door. When the noise had died down, Chell spoke.

"How can I pretend you're not here when you're sitting there like that?"

"I'll be quiet. Also, close your eyes. That tends to help with the business of not seeing things."

The test subject took her up on her advice and lifted her pillow up to place over her own head so she didn't have to see or hear anything. Hopefully she'd manage to accidentally smother herself to death, and then she wouldn't even have to go through with it. Let GLaDOS throw her body in the incinerator. And for a long time Chell did just lie there with the pillow on her head, trying to steady her breathing and heart rate. When she felt like she was almost calm, she took just that little bit longer. True to her word, the AI had remained silent and hadn't shifted around on the bed to give away her presence. Finally one of her hands inched down towards her chest, where it nervously rested for a few seconds before she slipped the sheet down and exposed her breasts to the watchful gaze of the android. But the heat in her cheeks hadn't gone away and it became unbearably stifling under the pillow, so Chell ended up just tossing an arm over her tightly closed eyes instead while her hand moved away from her now erect nipple.

But once it had dared to creep down further under the sheets it was immediately yanked back out again to clamp the covers down over her legs. Upon opening her eyes, she found GLaDOS's fingers still gripping the material from where she had reached forward to try and peel it back.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I can't observe things if I can't see them." She pointed out, giving the sheets a little tug. When Chell's grip reluctantly loosened, the AI was able to see just what she had been missing out on. "There. That's better. Seriously though, would smooth jazz make things easier for you? It's quite relaxing." GLaDOS didn't wait for an answer as she piped in some soft background music through the hidden speaker system. "I may not currently have a lot of data on the inner workings of human genitalia, but I do know that relaxation is very important. I mean, you should have seen what some of the earlier relaxation vaults came equipped with." GLaDOS gave a short bark of laughter, shaking her head at the memory.

"You're not helping. Be quiet."

"Oh, right. Masturbation. I'm on it. Continue with your demonstration." She waved a hand as if it were no more than a lecturer beckoning for their student to continue with a presentation that they were being marked on. It didn't particularly help Chell to see the AI steepling her fingers under her nose in study either.

At first, she wasn't very inclined to part her legs much more than what was necessary to get a hand between them. With GLaDOS sitting near her feet, the test subject had no inclination at all to let her see anything other than what she absolutely had to. But with her eyes closed and the smooth jazz playing in the background, she could almost forget that she was still under her clinical gaze once she began to relax. So Chell tipped her head back and spread her legs just a little further in an imitation of what she had been doing under the sheets before she had been so rudely interrupted. If she reminded herself that the AI was in fact a computer and not a human, it wouldn't matter so much. Computers weren't sexual beings by nature. They had to be programmed with personalities. They weren't filled with hormones and pheromones, and they certainly didn't require the benefits of interspecies contact. Or at least, that's what she figured. GLaDOS did spend an awful lot of time interacting with her these days. And she had created that android body. Maybe there was something more to sentient computers than she'd first thought.

It was those particular thoughts that left her distracted from reality; unable to defend herself against the cool silicone finger that pressed against her clitoris. Leaping up with a sharp yell, Chell summarily proceeded to whack her noggin on the headboard as she scrambled away from the offending digit.

"I take it that's the ON button?" GLaDOS teased.

"What the fuck did you do that for?" Chell groaned, clutching her aching head and the sheets at the same time.

"Well you said it was a test. I'm just pressing buttons. You press mine all the time. It's only fair."

"Your buttons don't do what mine do!"

"How do you know that? You've certainly never experienced testing withdrawal or rewards."

"I was rewarding myself just fine until you came along and started poking around."

"Oh, so was that your punishment switch?"

"I don't have a god damn punishment switch. I can't do this. I just can't." She groaned again, and covered her eyes in frustration.

"Now you know how I feel. I can't complete my own tests either. I have to get someone else to do it. Would you like some help? I think I understand the basic mechanics of it. Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out. Just like portals. And your nutritional intake. Tubby."

The test subject just kept her eyes closed, even as she clutched her hair and tugged on it a little. "GLaDOS, you are not going to- OH!" Chell gasped as she felt the same cool finger slipping between her legs and delving into where her own hand had previously been pressed. Unlike a real finger, it was abnormally smooth and she could feel the slight hum of the robotics underneath it.

Who knew that GLaDOS was a walking, talking vibrator?

Now she'd never be able to look her in the eye again. And sadly, now that she did know, she was a little reluctant to stop her from the intrusion. If the AI wasn't going to be embarrassed about it, then why should she be the only one? Clearly the best thing to do was to lie back with her legs up and think of Aperture.

Grabbing madly for the pillow, Chell jammed it over her face once more to muffle the moan that dared to slip out from between her lips when GLaDOS pressed her thumb against her clitoris again. It was much gentler than the first poke had been and she found herself quite enjoying the way it circled around and rubbed at her in addition to what she was already doing with the other fingers. If she ignored the jibe about the dangers of auto-erotic asphyxiation, Chell was almost certain that the AI had been correct about the fact that having others test for you was so much better than doing it yourself.

"Hm. I should have tried this method a long time ago. You're definitely a lot more vocal now."

"Shutupshutshutup." Chell groaned from under the pillow as she arched her back. She could feel the weight of GLaDOS lying down next to her before a sliver of light appeared as the android lifted the edge of pillow to look at her.

"I don't think you want me to do that at all. You're lying to me. And that's not very nice. Hm, what's this? Oh, would you look at that. I've found another button." With a button-pressing addiction like hers, there was only one method of dealing with such a find, and that was to press it and see what it did.

As it just so happened, it caused a much larger reaction in the test subject, who thrashed around wildly and refused to be quiet. So GLaDOS simply slipped her other hand under the girl's neck and tilted her head back so she could place a pair of cool silicone lips against her throat. From what data remained in her files, this seemed to be an appropriate course of action. Humans appeared to enjoy having their necks molested. Kissing, biting, and sucking. It all had the same basic effect on them no matter where it was done. Perhaps it helped to siphon all that horrible sweat that leaked out of their skin and made it glisten.

GLaDOS felt Chell give a shudder and a final gasping moan, her legs clenched tightly together to keep the android's hand firmly secured where it was. But it wasn't enough to stop her from removing it once her little convulsions started to die down, or from her getting up off the bed towards the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Chell called out, somehow managing to push herself into a sitting position on shaking arms. Her hair was one sweaty mess, and no doubt her face was covered in a disgusting red blotchiness. And more sweat.

"The test is complete. Why? Was there something else you needed me for?" the android queried, crossing her arms as she leaned one shoulder against the door frame.

That little smirk upon her face was just cruel, Chell had decided. After all, how the hell did she expect her to beg her to come back and hold her? Plus, it was GLaDOS they were talking about. She wasn't entirely sure she even wanted her to do such a thing. The test subject swallowed a thick wad of saliva and lay back down.


"Good. Regular testing will resume at 0700. Breakfast is at 0630. Make sure that you are awake. I'm sure you don't want me to have to come in and get you out of bed like last time. I assure you, Repulsion Gel is not warmer the second time it is poured on your unconscious form."

And with that, GLaDOS sauntered out of the room and returned to the main AI chamber, where she sat down in front of the computer console. It was something she'd never even considered before. Now that she had hands and a bit of mobility, she could access the systems that were previously unavailable to her. Bringing up the screen with her punishment and reward controls on it, the android flipped up the glass casing over the little red button that sat on the desk next to the screen before making a few little adjustments to what was being delivered.

GLaDOS grinned.

Let the Self Testing Initiative begin.