This was my entry in THE CANON TOUR—NEW MOON ROUND
A mother's love (and meddling) knows no bounds. Unbeknownst to Edward, Esme stays in touch with Bella.
BETA: the amazing LJ Summers
Pre-readers: u2shay and SydneyAlice and Rel8tivity
October 16, 2005
My dear Bella,
I am so sorry.
Those words just don't convey how bad I feel for the way we left you in September.
You, Bella, have been the daughter of my heart ever since I saw the first smile on Edward's face as he got to know you. I can't tell you how grateful I felt to see this man, my son, open up with you.
I fought against leaving last month. Oh, I fought it so hard. Edward said that you came to an agreement, that you both agreed that he should leave, I didn't believe it then, and I don't believe it now.
Bella, I know how much you loved him, and how much he loved you. Anyone with eyes could see that. Jasper verified the emotions when I asked him.
He is so very sorry for his part in whatever decision Edward made. To combat what Jasper now sees as a weakness, he has taken to hunting every five days. He vows that he will never be on the brink like that again.
I love my husband, my mate, more than l can express. I trust him with most decisions. But, Bella, letting Edward convince us to leave Forks was the wrong decision. Forcing us to leave you was the wrong decision.
Please trust me when I say that I'm working on this situation from my end. You have always impressed me with your strength of will, with your easy acceptance of us, of me.
I remember what it was like to lose someone that I loved so very much, my small son. The days afterward were dark, so dark that I didn't think I could survive them. And then I didn't.
I'm very worried about you. I know how I felt to suffer such a loss and I worry that you are suffering, too. I am just hoping that my son comes to his senses soon…and my husband as well.
We should not be removed from you. I know this, in my mother's heart.
I don't know if you are even reading this letter, or if you will just tear it up without opening it. If you do read it, I'm sure you want to know how he is. I just wish I had better news for you. He never joined us here in New York. He told Carlisle that he was going to hunt Victoria and that the trail led south. He rarely answers his phone, although we call him at least once a day. Alice can see him as he decides which direction to go. She does not see him returning to us any time soon.
It makes me want to smack him. Hard.
Having my own mate, I don't see how he can stay away from you. Which gives me hope. It should give you hope, also. He will be back. He's not going to be able to stay away from you forever. The bond of mates is just too strong to allow that.
Of course, I don't know if his actions last month have broken your love for him. I don't believe it could be so, based on the depth of feelings that you both had for each other. I don't know how long he will take to come to his senses, as he surely must.
I do know that the choice will be yours, sweet girl, as to how you greet him when he returns. But return he will and then you can make your own decision about what happens afterward.
I intend to do everything in my power to make his return happen sooner rather than later.
Please keep your faith, dear girl. I will and I will be working to help you.
All my love, dearest daughter,
—~— ~ —~—
November 30, 2005
I had to write again. You are constantly on my heart and in my prayers. You and I never discussed our belief systems with each other, but unlike Edward, I agree with my husband that we do have souls. I pray daily for your safety.
Last week I got a response from Carlisle's head nurse at Forks General. I had made up a reason to write to her and asked, generally, how things were in Forks. Nurse Miller is a chatty woman and she filled me in on numerous bits of gossip. I must say that I skipped everything except what she had to say about you.
Nurse Miller was worried after she had seen you in the car with your father. She was shocked at the gauntness of your face. She overheard someone asking Chief Swan about you at the diner. He is worried about how you have withdrawn from everything. It is as I feared. The loss of your mate has hurt you deeply.
By now I know that you have received the assortment of goodies from Harry & David's. A new assortment will arrive on Monday for the next four weeks. I'm hoping that you can find something in the packages that will tempt your appetite. Please do try to find something, sweetheart. I'm sure that Charlie's coworkers will like whatever doesn't appeal to you. I know how you are about gifts, but this is the least I can do. If I were there, I'd be making you soup.
Of course, if I were there, we wouldn't have this situation. I am still so mad. And he knows it as he answered my call yesterday. I will get through to him, if it's the last thing I do.
Sweet girl, you must fight through this. You must find some strength…I know you have it within you. Please be strong, for me, for Edward, and most of all, for yourself.
You are a brave girl. I've seen it. Look inside and see it for yourself.
So many of us love you. Please, dear girl, fight. Please eat something.
All my love,
—~— ~ —~—
December 26, 2005
I hope that you were able to find some joy in this Christmas season. Our day was spent quietly. Even our Alice was subdued.
Did you like the book I sent? Your copy of Wuthering Heights was exceedingly well-read the last time I saw it in your hands. That was way too long ago. I slipped a copy of Pride and Prejudice in, too. It always makes me laugh when I read it, so I hope it brings a smile to you, also.
The snow is falling here today, and it is quite lovely. I wish you were here to share in the quietness that always seems to accompany this type of snowfall. The flakes are huge and the blanket of snow that drapes over everything from trees, to cars, to the mailbox, makes everything look so beautiful.
Yesterday morning, Edward answered his phone for a change. He spoke briefly with Carlisle. He is still searching for Victoria. There is a trail that he is following farther south. He refused to speak to anyone else. Alice saw a vision of him while they were speaking. He's still in the same clothes he wore when he left Forks. She went off on a rant about how he could at least get some clean clothes, but it was only to cover how distraught she feels over his absence.
I understand how she feels.
I've urged you to keep the faith and to hold on to hope. I need to remind myself of that, too. It's so hard, when I want to be there with you, when I want my family together, when I want the hurt to be over.
Please know, dear girl, that you are loved. That you are worthy of great things. That you did nothing wrong.
All of the guilt is ours. We never should have left you.
I should have fought harder.
I love you, dear girl.
—~— ~ —~—
New Year's Eve, 2005
Thank you so much, my dear, dear girl! Your note arrived this morning and I cannot tell you how good it felt to hear from you, even with the, as they say, "shouty caps" that most of the missive was written in. I'll accept all the yelling and screaming that you care to send my way. I deserve it.
Once again, I apologize profusely for leaving you. It was the wrong decision. Carlisle has regretted it from the first day also, and he's getting his own dose of "shouty caps" on a daily basis.
You, sweet girl, are entitled to your anger. And I even encourage you to embrace it.
I think that if I had ever reached the anger stage after my baby died, I probably wouldn't have jumped off that cliff. All I could do was wallow in the sadness and I let it suffocate me.
You! You are a brave girl and so very strong.
I'm going to pray that we all find our JOY in this coming New Year.
I love you, sweetheart. Stay strong.
—~— ~ —~—
January 28, 2006
Isabella Marie Swan! Just what do you think you are doing?
Nurse Miller sent Carlisle a note about some case that he was following and included the little tidbit that you have had stitches! She shouldn't have shared anything about your medical history, but she knows how much Carlisle had cared for you and that he was your primary physician. It was nice of her to tell him that you didn't appear to be damaged beyond repair.
I realize that I'm not your mother, I do! But, dear girl, you must be careful. More careful. Please listen to me.
It occurred to me that this accident may have happened when you were riding that motorcycle you mentioned in your last note. I guess I never thought that it would actually run, as you said it was in such bad shape. I guess I hoped that it wouldn't and that you would never ride it. Yes, the mama bear was in denial!
TWO new helmets should have arrived by the time this letter reaches you. I liked the elegance of the black one with the full face guard, but Alice insisted that the one with the leopard spots would make a bigger fashion statement. I don't really care which you wear, as long as you wear one!
On the one hand, I'm proud that you are learning new skills, but on the other, I'm worried that this new enjoyment of extreme sports is going to hurt you beyond repair.
Please, sweetheart, be careful. My heart can't take that kind of shock.
—~— ~ —~—
February 24, 2006
My Dear Bella,
I hope that you are feeling better. I'm so glad you enjoyed the tea packets that I sent you. I've heard several people around here say that this blend was soothing when they were ill. Also, look for a shipment of goodies from The British Food Shop. Surely something in the package will tempt your appetite.
Carlisle, who tracks these things, said the flu epidemic appears to have nearly run its course in Forks. He assured me that it was just the run of the mill type, and not anything particularly virulent. He tracks these things each year and his data has been helpful to those that concoct the flu vaccine.
I'm sorry that Jacob is not answering your calls. It doesn't seem very friendly of him. I've been grateful that he's helped you to find a bit of sunshine, in rainy Forks. I know you are worried because his fever seemed so high. Surely if he were really ill, his father would take him to the hospital. Now that Carlisle is no longer there, they can once again go there for treatment.
It shouldn't have made me mad, but I kept wishing that they would accept that Carlisle is a good doctor and that he'd never hurt them, ever. But their pride and irrational fears kept them away.
Sorry, that's an old anger on my part and I shouldn't burden you with it.
I realize that you are focusing your anger in one direction now, toward Edward. But, sweetheart, we all bear some of that burden. I won't apologize again, since you have told me to stop. I keep coming up with these grand schemes to show you how I feel, but Alice keeps pointing out that none of those things would appeal to you. She's right.
In a moment of sadness last week, I bought one thousand books and donated them to a homeless shelter in the Seattle area. They range from toddler board books to the latest best sellers. And, no, I didn't make the donation in your name, it was strictly anonymous. It didn't make me feel a lot better, but it did just a little.
Please continue to rest so that you can get to feeling better.
You are loved, my dear.
—~— ~ —~—
March 14, 2006
Yes, I read between the lines of your letter. And, yes, I do know about the treaty. If you were shown the copy that the Reservation Elders have, you would see my signature on it.
Now that you know about the wolves, I can finally tell you to be careful! Young wolves are very temperamental. You can't even imagine how wild they can become. It was one thing when I knew that young Jacob was just a teenage boy and spending time with you, but now! NOW!
Yes, I've gone to the "shouty caps!"
And to find out that you saw Laurent! And the wolves chased him!
I don't care what Carlisle says. I'm coming back.
I intend to call Edward, who has lost Victoria's trail again and is curled up somewhere, unmoving, having just given up. Alice has seen this.
I won't stand for it.
We've waited long enough. Something has to happen. We will make plans when I get there.
I love you, sweet girl. Please stay safe and don't do anything foolish.
—~— ~ —~—
March 22, 2006
My dear daughter,
I will always vote to keep you in our family. You've never been out of my heart. You never will be.
Yes, I think that someday we will share with Edward how we helped each other through this trying time. Even when there were "shouty caps" between us, I've always known that you loved my son, that you loved me and that we were strong together.
You really are one of the strongest women that I've ever known.
I am so proud of you, and I can't thank you enough for saving my son. No one else could have done it.
I am in awe of you, dear girl.
Now, you stand firm. Do not let him force you into anything you don't want. He will try to bargain with you. But you hold all the cards. You hold his heart.
And it couldn't be in better hands.
Welcome to the family, my dear. We will never leave you again.
A/N…and another round of THE CANON TOUR has come and gone! Lots of vamps and wolves in the entries. TCT is on my list of FAVORITE AUTHORS, do check them out!
And thank you all, for your support! I do love hearing from you!