Iron Pen is a one-shot competition in which entrants are given a secret ingredient and thirty minutes to write a story.

For January's Iron Pen, we were given three viral youtube videos. The prompt was to choose one and write a fic inspired by it. I can't link to the video I selected, but if you google 'dating video love cats', the link comes right up.

This is my original, un-beta'd, winning entry.

"Oh, look! You have three new matches."

"Heh." I flop onto my bed and bury my head in the pillow. "Great."

"Come on. You don't want to check them out? Not even a little?"

At the moment, the only thing I want to do is beat the shit out of my roommate for talking me into this whole online dating thing in first place. Alice and I have been friends forever. She's getting married in six months and decided what she wanted more than anything was for me to have a "real boyfriend" by then. I agreed—but only because the path of least resistance is almost universally the way to go with her. So I join e-Harmony and agree to meet some matches, thinking it would be painless and she'd shut up about it.

First there was the Student Fucker. Oh, he seemed normal enough at first—promising, even. We meet for coffee, and he's cute, well-groomed, funny. He asks to see me again, and I enthusiastically agree. Then he walks me to my car.

"By the way," he says, "I thought I should tell you this myself, just in case you do a Google search. I used to be a teacher, but I lost my license after having an affair with a student. But she seduced me, I didn't do anything…"


The second guy we refer to as the leg-humper—enough said.

The guy I went out with tonight fired away question after question, each more invasive than the one before. When he asked if I could proof I was, indeed, fertile, I stormed out of the restaurant.

"No, Alice. Not even a little."

"Are you sure? Because there's one who's really hot. He has bed hair. You love that look."

I snort. "I shudder to think what his deal is."

"Well, even if you're not interested, I'm playing his video. He's that cute."

I don't tell her not to—she wouldn't listen anyway.

"Hi. I'm Edward. I'm twenty-nine, educated, gainfully employed, and disease free. I play piano and like craft beers. I also like pussy—I really, really like pussy…"

I sit straight up. "Oh my god, he did not!"

"…Now, I know all guys looking for women like pussy, but it's different for me. I mean, I really love pussy. I love all kinds of pussy, even the hairy, smelly ones. Sometimes I walk down the street, and I see all this pussy, going around feeling unloved." His voice breaks and he covers his face with his hand. "And I just want to kiss all that pussy, to sleep with it and cuddle it, stroke its hair and tell it the world isn't all that bad. I don't think one pussy would ever be enough for me…"

Alice laughs. "At least he's honest."

"…I'd need, like, my own city for all the pussy I want to have in my life. So, uh, yeah. That's pretty much me. If you think we'd get along, I'd love to hear back from you."

I stand up and run over to my desk. "Get out of my seat."

Alice's jaw drops. "You seriously want to reply?"

"Are you kidding? Yes. This has to be a joke." I push her out of my chair and start typing.

Hi, Edward. I'm Bella. I'm twenty-four, and I love my pussy more than anything in the world. I think you could love it, too.

Weird as it sounds, I think I may have found my match.