Came across this assignment from a few months ago. Basically, we were reading The Misanthrope by Moliere in english, and our teacher divided us up into groups to have us recreate a section in a specific style. I can't remember all of our options, but one was to talk like Hillbillies, and another was Twilight, which my group obviously chose. I kinda had some free time after finals, so over the course of two days, I wrote this script for my group. I'd like to thank RhymeZone for providing me with some of the strangest rhymes, as well as my friends for fitting the roles of these characters far too well.

(Please don't kill me for not updating my other fics! I'm alive, but moments of inspiration are few and far between with school going as it is.)

On the Difficulties of Being Bella...

Edward: Ah, Jacob! How goes your life with the Blacks?
From what I've heard, of the trades y'all are jacks.
Saw you working in the garage last week,
Felt the need to stop by, have a quick peak.
I heard your father calling out your name,
You seemed disappointed, removed from your game.

Jacob: Indeed, you're correct, I spent time under the hood,
All those long hours have done me quite good,
Gaze upon me as I lift up my arms, [flexes muscles]
To the ladies, I hear, they're quite the charms.
Is it just me, or is it hot in here? [pulls off jacket]

E: It's been too long since I've looked in a mirror.
Here is a shirt I bought on the last spree,
Oh, you wish you looked a fraction like me.
Your buff arms will bring no ladies in,
For how could they resist my handsome grin?

J: Agreed, my friend, the sparkles are blinding,
Chics like the rogue, that is to my finding.
Your teeth may be sharp, but they cannot compare,
My razor-like claws are strong as a bear.

E: Ah, yes, but have you ever stopped a van?
I think not, for it takes a strong man.
With one hand, I saved Bella from her death,
When it was done, I was not out of breath.

J: Impressive feat, but she is not yours yet.
Few are the women who've escaped my net.
When I win her it will be no surprise,
I'll draw her in with my beautiful eyes.

E: But, Jacob, pray tell, your plan doesn't work,
When she chooses me, where then will you lurk?

J: Let's compromise, let us avoid trouble,
When she chooses, there will be no double.
Should she pick you, I will vanish at once,
But should she pick me, you must leave for months.

E: Your words leave a wondrous ring in my ears,
You'd better pack soon; you'll be gone for years.

J: You're getting ahead of yourself, I see.

Bella: And why have you two still yet to leave me?

E: This place, you see, provides me with much comfort,
It pleases me so to see you unhurt.
If you were injured while I was away,
I'm certain my life would be led astray.

B: How sweet - sparkly… [ring]
Oh, now, who would come at a time like this
Other than the friends of little Miss Priss?

E: If that's the case, then I think I must go.

J: [to the side] Beware, everyone, of that little h- [Edward clamps hand over Jacob's mouth and pulls him along]

[Lauren enters, with Lauren Friend #1 and #2 in tow]

Lauren: And why were you three all speaking in rhyme?

B: I have no clue, but it helped pass the time.
Another question I have on my mind:
Why'd you come here? What do you hope to find?

L: I came to say that I was on Facebook,
There was a post, so I had a look.
On your profile was something I had to see,
I was checking on a friend; how kind of me!

B: Your stalking aside, what did this post say?
I haven't been on since last June or May.
Busy with friends, I haven't been online.

L: Of whom do you speak? Are they friends of mine?

LF #1: [to LF #2] Why on earth would we been friends with Bella?

LF #2: [to LF #1] Last I heard, she's the Cullen's Cinderella.

B: Now, that all aside, how did this post read?

L: Poorly, but rest assured, I disagreed.
They tried to count out the guys you have kissed,
And truly, my friend, it's quite a long list.
At my insistence, they stopped the madness,
Yet continued on, quietly in sadness.
Then one mentioned your stunt in biology,
Fainting sure messed with Edward's psychology.
"Can she walk in a straight line?" was a poll,
Probably not, you have little control.
I tried to defend your reputation,
But couldn't bring about a cessation.
Forgive me, please, for doing nothing more,
I did not know how much they had in store.

B: I'm glad to know I can depend on you,
But I doubt you're being completely true.
Now please allow me a moment of time
To show you why your life in not free of grime.
At a party last week, I saw Tyler Crowley
Off in a corner, speaking rather lowly
To one of his friends about you, Lauren,
Wondered how many times you'd been out whorin'.
I told him you just weren't that type of girl,
The corner of his mouth formed a mean curl.
Then, an instant later, his smirk was gone,
With no confidence he became withdrawn.
I asked him to share what he thought of you,
Said you've got nothing on me, but that I knew.
There were others there and they all agreed,
You really looked like a person in need.
I tried to defend your reputation,
But couldn't bring about a cessation.
Forgive me, please, for doing nothing more,
I did not know how much they had in store.

L: Come on, Bella, let us cut to the chase.
When we're through with you, you'll need a back brace.

B: Edward, my love, help! I'm under attack!
I need someone's strength! Help me, Jacob Black!

LF #1: No one can hear your petty cries for help.

[Bella's Friend #1 and #2 enter]

BF #1: I beg to differ, you pathetic whelp.

BF #2: Bella's not alone, so long as we're here!
Ready to fight? You'll be out for a year!

LF #2: Bring it! Let's see if you can back your words!

BF #1: We'll do that and more, you stupid little turds!

J: Guys-I mean, girls, just calm down for a sec,
Ignore that urge you have to break a neck.
Let's talk this out like responsible adults,
There is no need to resort to insults.
Now, where is that Cullen-

E: So, am I late?
There was some traffic on the interstate.
Jacob called me, he spoke rather darkly,
I came as quick as I could… what?

All: Sparkly…