Title: The Live-In PA
Pairing: John/Sherlock (UST)
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock, and I do not make any money from this fanwork.
Summary: Sherlock Holmes is Iron Man. John Watson is his long-suffering personal assistant.
"Mr. Holmes, you have a meeting with the shareholders at 10," John says, looking down at his BlackBerry and scrolling through his employer's schedule. "You need to take a shower and get dressed."
Sherlock rolls from the bed with a groan. The sheet falls to his feet when he stands - revealing an unsurprising lack of anything underneath. Well, except for the arc reactor, of course.
"Boring," he replies. "JARVIS, cut off mobile access to the flat. Actually, just turn off John's phone."
"Affirmative," the AI responds dryly.
John's mobile screen immediately goes black.
"Mr. Holmes..." he scolds lightly. "JARVIS, please turn my phone back on."
"I cannot perform that action at this time, Dr. Watson," the AI tells him. "Mr. Holmes has been experimenting with my programming again."
John sighs, slipping the mobile in his pocket.
"You still have the shareholder meeting in an hour," John tells Sherlock, ignoring the man's nudity as he pulls out the hard copy of his planner: Sherlock has messed with his BlackBerry too many times for John not to have back-up. He grabs a pen from Sherlock's desk: it shocks him when he tries to click it. He drops it, but doesn't even bother jumping. John's used to electric surprises around Sherlock.
"Mature," he mutters, going to his bag to grab his own pen. "Please take a shower and get dressed, Mr. Holmes. Any one of your suits will do at this point. Anderson will be here at 9. You only have 30 minutes."
"Anderson?" Sherlock replies with a sneer of derision. "Why is Anderson my driver? I thought I told you to fire him."
"If I fired everyone you told me to, Holmes Industries would have no employees, Mr. Holmes," John responds, going to Sherlock's closet to pull out his outfit for the day. "Shower, please."
"That's not true: I would still have you," Sherlock tells him. Still naked. "Stop calling me Mr. Holmes. Also, showers are boring."
John resists the urge to sigh.
"You fire me at least once a week. I'll call you 'Sherlock' until lunch if you get showered and dressed by 9. And no, I am not showering with you to 'make it less boring'," he replies, negating Sherlock's favorite argument to try to convince John to share.
Sherlock walks into the bathroom. He doesn't pout, but only because Sherlock 'doesn't pout'. John sometimes wonders how he justifies that logic, but John doesn't call him on it. Most of the time. The teasing isn't worth the retaliation.
One time Sherlock reprogrammed his BlackBerry to moan 'John' every time John got a text message or other alert. John couldn't change the alert, and Sherlock had JARVIS flood John with continuous messages for 4 days. John also couldn't turn the phone off. Sometimes having a genius consulting detective/engineer/superhero for a boss is more trouble than it's worth. Especially whenever John remembers that he hasn't had an uninterrupted date in close to 3 years.
"You also have a meeting with Colonel Lestrade at 4," John says. "Don't forget: the British military is requesting the designs for the suit."
"The British government is requesting the designs for the suit," Sherlock corrects. John hears the shower turn on. "Tell Mycroft to piss off."
John gives into the urge to sigh now that Sherlock is out of sight, looking at the time. 8:42 am. No way Sherlock is going to be done before Anderson gets here - not at the speed he's moving. John takes his BlackBerry out. Still off.
"JARVIS?" he says. "Can you turn my mobile back on now?"
"Negative, Dr. Watson," the AI tells him.
Sometimes John wishes he still had something to shoot at. Busting out of that cave in Afghanistan with Sherlock and his ridiculous proto-suit might have resulted in John getting shot, but at least it was fun.
Then Sherlock strides out of the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He hasn't even bothered to dry his hair. John stops him with a hand on his chest before he can get the suit all wet.
"Dry off properly before you ruin the fabric," he says firmly.
Sherlock smirks at him.
"Why don't you dry me off, John?" he asks, pitching his voice low and seductive.
John doesn't let himself react. For all that Sherlock likes to flirt with John, he is just messing with him: he doesn't really mean it. John is fairly convinced Sherlock is asexual. 'Married to his work' and all that. Sherlock just enjoys try to tease reactions out of John.
"Do you know how much money I could get if I filed the sexual harassment case I have against you?" John asks mildly, grabbing an extra towel and reaching up to drop it on Sherlock's head. "I could retire to Sussex to raise bees. And support Colonel Lestrade as well. He deserves it for all the shit you give him."
Sherlock pushes the towel out of his eyes and starts rubbing his hair dry. He glares at John with those sharp grey eyes.
"You'll not be retiring anywhere with anyone not me," he states imperiously. "And I'm not retiring anytime soon."
"Right. Boring," John mutters, wincing as he catches a glimpse of the clock. "Please get dressed now, Mr. Holmes."
"Sherlock," his boss corrects, but he puts the suit on without further complaints.
"Sherlock," John agrees, because it is 8:59 am and somehow his boss is ready on time. "Let's go."
He checks to make sure his gun is properly in its holster (it is) before shuffling Sherlock out the door and into the limo idling outside.
"You would look formidable in a pencil skirt and high heels," Sherlock informs him seriously as John slides into the back seat after him. Anderson meets John's eyes in the mirror, a disgusted look on his face - John just tells him to drive and puts the partition up.
"You would not look formidable walking into the shareholder meeting with a black eye and busted lip," John replies matter-of-factly. "Now start looking over these briefs. We have 50 minutes or so before we get there."
A live-in personal assistant's job is never done.