Kinkmeme request was for "Modern!Adult!Russia knowing absolutely nothing about sex, and being given "the talk"."
Lithuania immediately froze at the sound of Russia's cheerful call. Estonia and Latvia rushed to his side, and they huddled against the far wall of the break room as Russia entered. He was smiling and holding a book.
"Ah, there you are! I have a question, and I was hoping you could help me."
"Wh-what is it?" Lithuania relaxed slightly. Latvia's trembling only increased.
"Well, I was reading this book France lent me, and there are some words I don't understand. I thought you might know."
"Oh, is that all?" Lithuania smiled with relief. "Okay, which words are the problem?"
"This part." Russia spread the book open in front of them and pointed to a particular line. "What does 'sexual act' mean?"
The Baltics blinked. Russia continued to smile expectantly.
Lithuania giggled nervously and started to babble. "Oh, look at the time! I have, er, food ... in the ... oven. Must go."
"We're in a hotel, why is there an oven in your room?"
"I mean the microwave. Gotta go!" Lithuania fled.
"I also have to ... leave ... for ... stuff." Estonia backed up against the wall, keeping one eye on Russia, opened the door, and slammed it behind him.
Russia looked expectantly at Latvia, who instantly fainted. Well, that was a bust.
Prussia's jaw dropped. "Sorry, Russia, I think I must have misheard. You came to my room while I was trying to watch My Little Po- I mean take a nap! Whatever, you came to my room while I was busy, to ask me what, again?"
Russia, still beaming, held out the open book, pointed to the offending phrase, and replied "What 'sexual act' means."
Prussia launched himself at Russia, fists-first, screaming loud enough to wake the rest of the hotel.
"You bastard! You complete fucking BASTARD! Forty damn years I was convinced you were gonna rape me any minute and you never bothered to mention that you don't even know what goes where?"
"It didn't come up! And what? I just asked a simple question! Stop that!" Russia caught Prussia's wrists in one huge hand and lifted his feet off the floor. Prussia kept kicking and swearing at the top of his lungs. "So you aren't going to tell me either?"
Prussia struggled free, aimed one last kick at Russia for good measure, and stomped back into his room, slamming the door.
"If you're watching My Little Pony, can I come in?" Russia asked hopefully.
"DIE IN A CAR FIRE, RUSKIE!"
Russia pouted. "You're not very nice!"
"No," China repeated firmly. "The last time I gave the sex talk, it was to South Korea, and look how that turned out. Speaking of whom ..." He walked over to the window, opened it, reached out, and shoved. There was a scream and a crash which suggested someone had just fallen off a ladder. China closed the window and dusted off his hands. "Anyway, I'd say you should go ask your sister. Your older sister, I mean. I don't think you should go to Belarus about this."
"I wasn't going to," Russia said with a shudder, and peered out of the window. "Shouldn't you go pick your brother up before someone finds him? I don't think humans can bend their spines like that, someone might notice."
China waved a hand airily. "Oh, he'll be fine."
"Switzerland? Liechtenstein? I have a question!"
The door opened a crack and Russia found himself with the business end of a rifle pressed against his nose.
"Yes?" came Switzerland's voice.
"... Never mind." Russia backed slowly away.