I must have been lying here for hours, staring at this stupid ceiling. Like it has the answers to all my questions. What a boring color. Next chance I get, I'm repainting it. Maybe red, with a silver and gold trim . . . stop it! You're mad, remember? I turned to my side to look at the clock on my bed side table. 3:40. Yep, I've been lying here for nearly four and a half hours. I also haven't been able to sleep in nearly four and a half hours.
I know why too, because I'm mad. At him. At her. At myself. I'm mad at them because of what they did. But I'm mad with myself for being mad at them. I have no right to be. To be angry or jealous or hurt, by any stretch. They're grown adults; they can do what they want. He has no tie to me. He doesn't know about how I feel. At the most, he probably thinks of me as a friend. Maybe not even his closest. I am a girl, it would stand to reason that he would be closer to a male friend then to me, even if he has known me longer.
It was stupid to think that his feelings could change. How do you forget someone you love(d) so strongly, so quickly? Here's a better question; do you ever forget them? Can you ever stop loving them? If that were possible, wouldn't it have happened?
I thought I could handle it, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to carry this anymore. The weight has been pushing down on me harder and harder with every step. There are times, when my heart just gains a mind of its own. And at the worst possible moment, it's in so much pain. Like one of my arrows went straight threw it. And then I can feel it shatter into more pieces then the shards we have to collect.
If I wanted to be honest with myself, then I'd have to admit that these last five hours haven't been about anger, or even jealousy. They've been about a deep hurt. Maybe a little jealousy and anger sprinkled in every hour or so. You sit for five hours with my emotional baggage, a change in what I'm feeling is understandable. But none of that justifies all these negative thoughts towards people who don't really deserve it.
A yawn, my first in hours. At least I'll get some sleep. At that moment, I was suddenly too tired to really move. I somehow muster enough energy to hit the light switch of the lamp near my bed. I'm too tired to lift the covers or even realize that I hadn't changed into pajamas. I hadn't planned on staying, I just wanted some space to clear my head, can't get anymore space then a different time period.
Everyone will be surprised to see me at the breakfast table, considering I snuck in. I didn't want to wake anyone.
And even though I'm tired now, my mind is still whirring. What to do, what to say. Whether or not to go back tomorrow, or give it a few days, attempt to catch up with schoolwork (chances: zero). See my friends; it's been weeks since we've all been together. And I can't talk to them about this. They'd just give me advice that won't be that good. Mostly because I can't tell them any of the story. They still think I'm perpetually sick, instead of jumping down a well to travel through time. Maybe Mom. She'd be good, no one knows like she does.
If I do decide to go back, I should defiantly talk to Sango. If there was anyone in the world more qualified than her, please send them to me, because we need to talk.
But the worst part of asking someone else for advice is that they never tell you what to do. It's always the same; they make you spill your guts out, like you're in some sappy movie. Then they all say same thing, all along the same lines, "Follow your heart," "What is your heart telling you?" but what if your heart is wrong? What if it can't make up its stupid mind? What if you're trapped in that silly song from that movie that says you're head is screaming to forget it, but your heart is screaming to hold on until the very end. I was getting a headache. So many questions were running through my head that I didn't realize that my eyes were hot. I don't have to open them to know why.
The light in the window went out. Does that mean she's asleep?
AN- No, I dont own Inuyasha. (Wish I did, then it would be slightly different. Just a little ;) Check out my other stories! Oh! and review, please!
PS- Can't wait for you guys to see the next couple of chapters! I think the Yashers (That a real thing? Hmm, is now.) will LOVE it! TTFN!