Title: Bert: Resident Farting Hippo

Rating: T (Pretty sure rating is high but I wanted to be safe)

Main Character(s): Bert and rest of NCIS team

Summary: Bert has seen some things since Abby brought him to NCIS. Well, many things really.

Warning: Trauma to a stuffed animal


Bert: Resident Farting Hippo

I love my life.

Of course, it hasn't started that way. I mean, who likes being made for the sole function of farting. It's degrading and if I was able to, I would have blushed each time I was tested.

Yeah, I hated the beginning of my life. Stuffed like a turkey with some cotton, just to have some man stuff a device up my butt. I may be a stuffed animal but that was totally uncalled for. Thankfully I was sewed up quickly afterwards, saving my pride, and then stuffed in a box with others after being tested.

My first fart was not my proudest moment.

So I had been in the box, shipped off to who knew where and I will admit I had been nervous. All toys were at that stage. Who's going to be my new owner? Will anyone pick me? And will my life be good?

It was nerve wrecking.

When I was first put on the shelf, I'm sad to say I was put in the back, but I quickly learned that that was good though. That first night in the store, I had to put up all night listening to those obnoxious ones up front, but once the store opened and people came, they weren't laughing anymore. They were constantly grabbed, squeezed, and laughed at before being put back. Yeah, life was good in the back.

Until one day I watched some hand reach back to grab me and holy crap on a cracker, the face that greeted me was beautiful. Now, I'm not a great judge of beauty when the only faces I've seen were the ones in the factory and then the man who unloaded us when our box arrived, but she was pretty.

Her black hair was in pigtails and when she smiled, it was so pretty. Yeah, her clothes were weird, but hey, I farted when squeezed. Who am I to judge? But she wrapped me in her arms and squeezed me to her chest, and when I farted and she laughed, it was love.

I couldn't wait to get to my new home.

My home though wasn't what I expected. The place was in a basement and there were computers and stuff all over the place. I quickly learned it was a lab after the tour I got. It frightened me a bit, I'm not afraid to admit it, but I needn't fear. Abby will take care of me. She wouldn't let any harm come my way.


Abby's fun. She listens to interesting music and drinks Caf-Pow!. The only happy Goth probably in existence. And she actually talks to me. I've heard stories about toys being bought to only be played with for a few days and then left in the chest or under the bed, but Abby isn't like that. She talks to me like a friend, and I always lend an ear, and she turns to me for comfort where I proudly farted for her when she needs it.

It's nice down in the lab.

Well, there have been moments I didn't like. Like the time one agent had the nerve to walk into Abby's lab while she had been off to talk to Gibbs, grab me, and squeeze until I thought I'd break.

Attempted murder!

Luckily Abby had come back and distracted the agent, but I kept an eye out for that guy. I wouldn't go down without a fight and I was ready for round two.

Then there was the Chip incident. I hadn't liked that guy from the beginning, it was that tiny moustache and beady little eyes. You can't trust someone like that. And I was right.

I had to sit by and watch that guy try to hurt my Abby, but she had dealt with him. Wrestling him down after throwing her Caf-Pow! and then duck-taping him. That's my girl.

There was the occasional snotty agent that comes down to our domain, being all uppity about Abby's appearance. I didn't like that. I hated when some obnoxious agent came down here and questioned Abby's attire and the way she is. If they didn't like, they shouldn't come down in first place.

Luckily, there was one team that was awesome.

Agent Gibbs' team. They accept Abby for who she is, provide her Caf-Pow! and even talk to me every now and again. Abby even trusted me enough to lend me as a pillow for Gibbs and Tim once. She trusted me to take care of them and I took that job with pride and easily. It wasn't like they had heavy heads anyway, so it wasn't hard. Tony, though, I will have to think about that one. That guy seems like he will have a heavy head.

They are Abby's favorite, which is easy to see. And they are mine too.


Alright, this is getting ridiculous.

I've seen many things in the lab. Abby takes me everywhere and doesn't leave me out. Sometimes when she gets stuck, she talks to me about it, not that I understand any of it. I didn't have a degree in this stuff. But I lend my ear and eventually she figures it out on her own or with the help of someone else that will usually say something that triggers her mind.

But I've seen some stuff that should not go on in the lab. Stuff that Abby would both be ashamed and happy about. Like, Tony and Ziva—she's a beauty too and I nearly farted on reflex when I had first seen her—and the way they sometimes came down to have some alone time.

I thought I was going to die of embarrassment when they…did the nasty on the floor and Tony had grabbed me off Abby's desk to stuff me under Ziva's head as a pillow. I always knew her head would be light, but that wasn't the way I wanted to find out.

And they keep doing it! You'd think after doing it once, they would stop. After all they have homes. Why did they have to do it in my home? And continue to do it where I can see them. It's frustrating.

I just hope Abby catches them soon so they can stop.

Wait…is that her? Yes! Finally, she can catch them and I can stop watching this and enjoy my home properly.


I know the dynamics of the team, though I'm confused about one. Tony, Ziva, Abby are the children, Gibbs is the parent, the Doctor Duck is the uncle and Jimmy is the awkward cousin. But what is Tim?

I thought at first he was Abby's mate. It made sense with all the time they spend together and how well they work together. And it isn't like I don't like Tim. I actually like Tim. He's smart, honest, kind, handsome, and talks to me almost as much as Abby does.

I just can't figure out what makes him different from everyone. Why Gibbs insists on calling him by his last name when everyone is addressed by their first. Why Gibbs isn't as close to Tim as the others.

It isn't till I caught Gibbs' wandering eye one time that I figured it out. I mean, the first time I saw it, I pushed it aside and passed it off as my stuffing thinking. The second time, I passed it off as tiredness. At that point Tony and Ziva had been keeping him up with their mating. It wasn't till after the tenth time and listening to Tim talk to him that I finally admitted to seeing what I was seeing.

I mean, I'm not a homophobe. I just didn't know it's possible for two males to be together. But, hey, whatever floats your boat.

"Hey Bert."

Tim's face filled my view and I can tell my friend is sad.

'Tell Bert all about it.'

"Been a while since I've been free to talk to you buddy, but I bet you haven't even been out of here."

Tell me about it. It's been lonely without Abby around as she's been called to LA for assistance and then had been demanded to take a vacation with her new boyfriend since she hasn't been using her vacation hours. And this temporary replacement hasn't talked to me once. Hasn't let me out of the office so I haven't been able to see what any new cases were like. But now Tim was taking him out and sitting him in his own place with the computers while he sits on a stool.

Where have you been?

"Been working on a hard case. It's been tough, you know, kid case."

Oh, yeah, I knew those were hard. Just the thought of a kid hurt or killed. Kids aren't supposed to be hurt. They are supposed to be happy, playful, full of sunshine, and safe.

"We ran around for a few days looking for Brandon. It was hard after the first day since survival rates go down after twenty-four hours, but we didn't give up hope. Gibbs though, it was the hardest on him."

Ah, yes, Gibbs.

"But we got him," he smiles and Bert again notices that his friend is handsome. "He's a bit shaken, but he'll get through this. He's strong." Tim chuckles. "He reminded me of Gibbs a bit."

Tim sighs before leaning down with his arms folded, his chin on his arms so they're at eye level. That's what he likes best about Abby and Tim. Most of the time when they talk to him, they make sure they're eye level.

"Wish I could tell him Bert."

Oh, keep talking Tim.

"Tell him that it's okay to lean on someone. I mean, he has his boats and that's okay. I have my writing. But he needs more than that. Deserves more."

Keep going.

"But he wouldn't want me." So wrong. "I mean, did you know that I've worked him for close to eight years and I still don't know where he lives."

Huh? I know the others have been to Gibbs' house before. Hasn't Tim?

"I've never been in danger, so I've never been there." He shrugs. "It's the only reason I would be there. The others can go to him if they have a problem, and I have no doubt that he would let me in if I had one. But again, I don't know where he lives in the first place, and I'm pretty sure he would just barely tolerate me there. I'm not as close to Gibbs as the other."

And I can tell that bothers him.

But come on, Tim, turn around!

"I distinctly remember saying that you belong to me."

Tim jumps up so fast the stool falls over. "Boss! W-What are you… How much…" Tim continues to stutter as he bends over to pick up the stool and blushing so bad he's bright red.

Gibbs watches before walking in and up to Tim, raising his hand to brush it over his cheek. "I told you that you belong to me Tim. I've never that before and haven't said it since. Been waiting for you to come to me, but I didn't realize you thought like that."

"You… Really?" Tim asks looking hopeful.

Gibbs softly smiles back. "Really."

Tim grins and I wished I could turn away to give them privacy but I couldn't. So I watch as Gibbs leans forward and kisses Tim. It's actually fascinating and really sweet. Nothing like that porn I had the misfortune of having to watch with Abby and Chip that one day.

"Let's go. And I'll show you were my home is."

"Okay."

I'm happy to see Tim grinning and silently thank Tim for putting me back in my sleeping place before Tim turns out the lights and leaves with Gibbs.

Yep, it's an interesting life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

The End.


A/N: PLEASE REVIEW! They're appreciated. Hope you guys enjoyed and got a few laughs. :)