Authors Note: Having completely fallen in love with Absolutely Fabulous, I thought it was only fair to dedicate some of my writing time to the fantastic characters and actresses who play them. Looking through most of the stories here, I see that many of them are FEMSLASH, however mine won't be. I never viewed Eddy and Pats in that way and never will. Hope you don't mind a focus change from the dynamic duo onto my favourite character Saffron. Please Review!
CHAPTER ONE: A rude awakening!
'Mum… mum for goodness sake! You cannot lie around here all day like a beached whale. You need to get out of bed and into the office, although that may be just too much effort for you after the amount you drank last night', Saffy scolded her mother, who was lying dormant beneath the covers. The remains of a cold, half-eaten Indian takeaway beside her and none other than a large piece of chicken on a fork resting against her face where perhaps she had fallen asleep eating. 'Mum I'm not going to ask you again, get out of bed and take that pathetic excuse for a friend with you, she is in my way downstairs in the kitchen', Saffy continued in the same manner that she had before, but it came as no surprise when her mother only groaned and recoiled further under the duvet.
Saffy was fed up of her mother and that stick insect cluttering up the house, making a mess, falling about the place and generally making a complete racket while she was trying to work. She knew that she would never truly be able to move out as her mother couldn't function without her; I mean she went to University and her mother couldn't even get into a tin of custard. Brushing off that mortifyingly embarrassing situation, she made the decision to remove the duvet from her mother's bed and take it into the bathroom in a rash attempt to get her up.
At this sudden unveiling and rush of cold air Eddy tried peeling her eyes open; 'Sweetie darling, give mama back her duvet, she had a very heavy night last night with Pats so Eddy…Need…Sleep…Saffy… darling' she slurred into her pillowcase without moving. 'Speaking in third person is not going to make me do anything for you Mum, so just quit moaning and get up', Saffy retorted quickly. 'Third person, darling, there's only one of me in here', Eddy slurred confused and hung over as she attempted to lift her head from the pillow to no avail. 'You could have fooled me mum, there's no telling how many people were under that duvet and even now that I have removed it, I can't be 100% certain that you aren't lying on them, so get your fat behind out of those LA Croix covers and downstairs', Saffy smirked leaving her mother with the ultimatum of whether to let her have the last word or not and quickly left the room. Naturally, Eddy was not going to let her daughter have the last laugh as she shouted after her 'These aren't LA Croix sweetie, there from Donatella Versace's new autumn collection'.
Just as Edina thought she had got one up on Saffron, she heard 'I can't quite hear you mum, what was that?', leaping out of bed with a new found enthusiasm to make Saffy see that she wasn't going to get one up on her shouted back 'You know exactly what I mean darling, you heard perfectly well. What you didn't get in looks you make up for in hearing and intelligence. I suppose you have to be good at something in this world'.
Hanging over the bannister as she ended her argument triumphantly she saw Saffy's head poke out from the door to the kitchen downstairs only long enough to hear her say 'Oh good you're up, I knew that would work'. Realising she had been tricked, Edina decided now would be a relevant time to throw a tantrum, but it was somewhat misjudged as she went toppling down the stairs head first to the sound of Saffy concluding; 'I mean honestly it was clear to anyone with half a brain cell that those covers obviously were Donatella Versace not LA Croix'. Shocked into silence, Eddy stuttered 'Sweetie… darling… SAF! You know about designers? Come here immediately, this is the happiest moment of my life! ' Forgetting completely about her rude awakening and the effort it had taken her to get out of bed Eddy went bumbling down the stairs towards the kitchen only to trip down this flight as well, in her haste to hug her daughter.
Saffy, happy that she had awoken her mother and got her out of bed with little effort sat triumphantly at her usual place at the end of the table with a glass of orange juice and some freshly made toast. Paying no attention to her mother as she took yet another topple down the stairs, Saffy wondered to herself whether- while she was asleep, if her mother practised these comedy falling routines just to provoke a reaction from her!
'Oh mum, careful of Pa…', Saffy quickly remembered, but was too late as Eddy fell down the last few steps on top of Patsy who gave a grunt much like the one Eddy had given earlier. 'I wish you wouldn't leave her around the house Mum, she really does get in the way, and I almost stood on her in the dark when I got up at six thirty this morning', Saffy informed her mother with a mouthful of toast. 'Six bloody thirty darling, that isn't a time in the morning, that's a time of night! Anyway you should be more careful of Pats, she does end up in some strange places', 'and some strange positions' Saffy replied raising one eyebrow to her mother. Saffy was unable to forget the time that she had gone upstairs to go to bed to find Patsy in a compromising position with a man whom she had never seen before in her life, that night and for several after despite changing the sheets Saffy slept on the sofa in the lounge.
'Bloody hell Edds, get off me', Pats groaned lighting the cigarette that had been hanging off her bottom lip, held on by nothing but saliva for the best part of the night. Patsy somehow had managed not to move at all other than to light her cigarette and made no attempt to move while smoking it. Eddy removed herself from where she was perched on top of her best friend and collapsed into one of her new age suspended egg chairs which hung from the ceiling by the kitchen table. Edina had wanted to replace all of the chairs but Saffy had disagreed arguing with her mother 'they are highly impractical for anything but lounging, the minute you want to eat or do any work, heaven forbid, you end up swinging round endlessly. It's like sitting in a bubble which is about to burst at any moment. If you insist on buying them, I am keeping a normal chair so that I can work on my dissertation without floating away from my books on the table'.
After replaying that scene in her head, Eddy knew it was that time in the morning, as it was every morning for a cup of coffee, she looked over to Saffy who was in concentrating on reading a new textbook, larger than the one she had yesterday but before Eddy could open her mouth Saffy said without looking up 'you have seen me do it enough times, I'm sure you can manage it now'. With that remark Patsy perked up, but soon realised it was Saffy who had spoken and laughed 'she doesn't mean sex Ed, I don't think anyone would screw that pathetic weasel faced cretin even if she does have quite big tits, I almost imagine it would be like shagging a block of concrete- too tight for penetration'.
Saffy looked indignantly at Patsy, who continued to snigger to herself at the hilarious comment she had made at Saffy's expense. 'NO', Saffy shouted, protecting herself by doing up the top button that she had dared to undo this morning on her green paisley shirt under her favourite sheep jumper. 'Don't listen to her', she continued 'I meant you can make your own cup of coffee this morning Mum, I have a lot of reading to do and you know exactly how the machine works as you have seen me use it so many times'. Eddy putting on her overly sad face with the raised eyebrows and the large bottom lip sticking out, asked Saffy in her big baby voice 'But my lovely helpful daughter Saffron always makes mama a cup of coffee in the morning', Saffy ignoring her mother spoken again; 'You might want to make Patsy one, although she has usually had a bottle and a half of vodka by lunchtime, so that might be more appropriate for her'.
Patsy realised that Saffy was deadly serious and moved into a chair opposite Eddy, so that she was in the prime spot to kick her friend under the table to get her to move. 'Get me a bottle of voddy darling, I need something to get me going- I have this awful pain in my back', 'I'm not surprised after that huge lump landed on you, although what I am surprised about is that you don't have a similar pain in your head after the amount of narcotics and alcohol you consumed last night with my mother' Saffy interrupted. 'DON'T you use the M word in this house darling' Eddy shouted at her daughter, disgusted at how old it made her sound which she made very clear to Saffy. 'It's like when you call the old thieving woman; Gran. I hate the way you call us Mother and Gran'.
'Eds', Patsy moaned pretending to be weak and frail, floundering in her chair and then looked to Saffy for help, yet found none. Eddy looked at her daughter and using her baby voice and big bottom lip asked her for help 'Saffy get Pats her vodka, mama is too tired to move'. Saffy rolled her eyes, she knew she would get no work done until she complied but wondered whether she actually could get her mother for once in her sorry little existence to do something for herself. 'Mother', she said as Eddy cringed, 'You know better than anyone…' Patsy shifted in her chair clearing her throat, so Saffy reconsidered then continued 'you and your shadow know where all the alcohol is stashed in this house'. 'What's that supposed to mean Saffy darling', Eddy enquired. 'Well' Saffy began wondering whether to continue with this explanation, 'I suppose you are enquiring about my shadow remark so I shall explain in simple terms for you. Dependant on the projection and elevation of the sun, the shadows created are cast in a whole array of directions and lengths in different. Just by looking at you, I can guarantee that you are the midday shadow and that streak of nothing over there is the early morning or late evening shadow. The main difference is in the elevation of the light source and at what angle it hits the object to cast the shadow, really that is the only independent variable considered in the equation'.
Triumphantly, she returned to her text book as Eddy fluttered her eyelids in complete and utter confusion and Patsy snapped out of nodding in agreement with Saffron's scientific explanation. 'God Eddy, all she said was you were a short fat shadow and I was a long thin, slender, shapely shadow', Patsy shouted from the fridge- she had given up waiting for someone to get her a drink and took a huge gulp of vodka as she moved back to her chair. 'Is that true, sweetie, Saffy darling- you called me the fat shadow', Saffy sighed nodding at her deflated and upset mother who moved towards the coffee machine to attempt to make herself a cup of coffee…