On the last episode of Glee-
Blaine lied and told Kurt he knew what sort of insanity everyone gets up to at the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a live cast when, actually, he had no clue. Plus the movie's confusing even without half the audience running around in their underwear. Blaine won the fake an orgasm contest and he got dragged on stage to be Betty who marries Ralph, played by Kurt. Blaine finally told Kurt he liked him and they kissed for real. Woohoo. Kurt sent a picture of the wedding scene at the show to some of the Warblers and now they're teasing Blaine about being married. Burt caught the boys in bed together, just sleeping, and he found the condoms Blaine's cousin Anna had given to him. Oops. So now Burt wants to have a talk with them about S. E. X. And that's what you missed on Glee.
"OK, Dad," said Kurt as the silence started to get uncomfortable. We were sitting around the breakfast table having homemade pancakes with fruit. I had been woken up with a kiss, a cup of coffee, and the promise of brunch. I was also informed that Mr. Hummel wanted to discuss some stuff - sex - with the two of us.
"Let me make this easy," Kurt continued. "I know I can't get pregnant and neither can Blaine. But we still need to use condoms every time. Yes, every time. Absolutely every single time. We need to go slow and use lube. And condoms! You'll probably shoot Blaine if he tries to hurt me and I know his cousin will be willing to threaten me if I hurt Blaine, especially we don't us condoms. We aren't ready to have sex yet, but if and when we are, we'll use condoms. Lots and lots of condoms." He paused. "Did I mention we'll use condoms?"
Mr. Hummel turned an interesting shade of green. "Don't get smart with me, Kurt."
"Actually," I said carefully, "he is being smart, if somewhat sarcastic. Teens don't always think they need to use condoms or birth control because sex-ed in most schools is a joke. And lots of parents are too embarrassed or uninformed to have a useful conversation."
"Are you a virgin?" Mr. Hummel said looking at Kurt.
"Dad!" Kurt sounded offended. "What kind of question is that?"
"It's the kind I expect an answer to. You dated Brittany. And you aren't the only gay or curious kid at your school even if you are the only one who's open about it."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes, I am. Happy?"
"Actually, yeah," said Mr. Hummel. "I'd hate to think you had sex with that daffy cheerleader to try and prove something."
Mr. Hummel turned to me. "And you?"
"I've never had sex. I'm not waiting for marriage or anything, but I want to be with someone special."
"So, here's the deal kids," Mr. Hummel said. "I got a lock for your door while you were sleeping. You will promise to let me know ahead of time if Blaine is spending the night. I don't want to hear anything. I definitely don't want to walk in on anything. I think we've already established this, but so we are crystal clear, you will use condoms. And you are not to sneak off someplace stupid. This town isn't very accepting of gays and I don't want you getting caught going at it in a car."
"Really?" Kurt eyes were huge.
"Kurt, I love you and I trust you. I want you to be happy. And if I had my choice, you'd wait until your thirty, but since you probably won't, I want you to be safe."
Kurt jumped up and went around the table to hug his dad. "I love you, too, Dad."
"I'd really prefer it if you give me a couple of days to get used to the idea before you go running downstairs and lock the door."
It was now a little after one and we were curled up on the couch in the living room watching Rocky on DVD. I was spooning Kurt and he was saying call back lines while the lips sang. The wedding party exited the church.
"You looked so much better in the dress," Kurt said.
I looked ridiculous as Betty, but I loved Kurt for saying it. Brad got down on one knee, singing "here's the ring to prove that-"
"I play poker. And win," finished Kurt. I wondered if Kurt would want to be proposed to. Or if he'd be the one to ask. He'd look adorable. Either way, I'm sure it'll be legal by the time we move to New York and I'll get to see all of Kurt's Broadway plays for super cheap or free because I'm his husband.
Brad and Janet decided to take a road trip and the Criminologist was blathering on about the weather. That was about where we had snuck back into the theater after I'd changed out of the dress. So, now I've seen the very beginning when I'm not doped up on cold medicine and I still don't get it.
"Why were they having a funeral right after a wedding?" I asked.
"I think it's Rocky's funeral. Frank, Riff and company were the workers in the church and were probably there to steal the body."
"You sure?" I asked. "They didn't show who was in the casket."
"It would make sense. The criminologist points Frankie out in the picture, so it's supposed to be him and not just the same actor because they're on a low budget. But if your looking for continuity, you should try watching The Twilight Saga."
He was kidding, right? "Yeah," I said sarcastically, "because Twilight's so well though out and logical,"
"Doesn't have to be," said Kurt. "It has Tyler Lautner running around without a shirt."
I made no move to get up and Time Warp, we were too cozy on the couch. Everything was warm and snuggly and we weren't even using a blanket. I noticed the call backs from Kurt coming further and further apart. Columbia stripped off Brad and Janet's outfits, leaving them in their underwear. She threw the clothes on the floor and said, "Ha! I've seen it."
"And I don't do laundry," Kurt added.
His breathing evened out. I was tempted to call Anna and tell her that I was right about this movie being boring and putting people to sleep. But that would involve moving off the couch to get my phone and I wasn't going anywhere. I must have dozed off for a while, because the next thing I knew, there was a knock at the door and an orgy in the pool.
Mr. Hummel answered it. "Hi," he said uncertainly to whoever it was.
"We needs some shopping help from our favorite gay," said a girl's voice.
"I can wake him up with a kiss like sleeping beauty," said a second girl's voice, "because I am an expert kisser. I have a perfect record."
"Wait, Brittany-" Mr. Hummel protested.
I looked up to see two cheerleaders staring at us.
I glanced over at Burt, who mouthed, "Good luck," before leaving the room.
"Whoa!" said the Latina girl, here eyes widening and her mouth falling open. "Who are you?"
"I'm Blaine," I said at the same time as the blond said, "That's Kurt's wife."
Kurt shifted in my arms. "What's going on?" he mumbled. "Santana? Brittany? What are you doing here?"
"We want to take you shopping, but you appear to have your hands full of sexy boy. Anything you want to share? Cuz if he's bi, I wants me a piece of that." I could see her taking in the clothes I was wearing, a too small shirt and the too long McKinley High sweat pants. It had to be obvious that not only were we in pajamas in the afternoon, I was wearing Kurt's clothes.
"Kurt, I thought you broke up with me because you wanted to kiss boys?" The blonde must be Brittany. She was pretty, for a girl. I tried to picture Kurt making out with her, but I just couldn't.
"I do want to kiss boys," said Kurt. "Why do you think Blaine's a girl?"
"Blaine wore a dress when you got married," Brittany replied
"If I'd gotten married, I would have wanted you to be there," said Kurt, his voice fuzzy with sleep.
"I was there!" said Brittany with a childlike smile. "Blaine won the orgasm contest and her prize was getting to marry you. I would have entered if I had know you wanted to get married. You were a really good boyfriend, so you'll be a good husband. And that stripper was hot. I totally would've gone on stage and had an orgasm with her."
I could feel my cheeks turning red. "She's not a stripper, she's my cousin!"
"Your boy toy had sex on a stage with his stripper cousin?" Santana's eyebrows raised. "That's too kinky even for me."
"I did not have sex with my cousin," I said firmly. "And I am a boy. A very gay boy. Who doesn't have sex with my cousins."
"But she had her hand in your pants while you were coming," Brittany said.
Kurt buried his face in his hands. "Oh my Cheesus."
"What the actual fuck?" Santana demanded.
"We went to see Rocky Horror," Kurt said, moving his hands away from his face. "Blaine won the virgin sacrifice - fake and orgasm. Fake. His cousin was pretending to jerk him off, she didn't have her hands in his pants. So he played Betty and wore the wedding dress and I was Ralph. We were acting. We aren't married. And Blaine is a boy. He's my boyfriend."
"Are you sure?" asked Brittany turning to me. "I think I should stick my hand in your pants and check. And I need to make out with you so I'll know if your a good enough kisser for my favorite ex-boyfriend."
My face felt like it was on fire. I was going to actually die of embarrassment. "I am one hundred percent gay and I probably have to be completely drunk to enjoy kissing you. Sorry."
"That's OK. Lord Tubbington can get us some alcohol. He's twenty two in cat years."
I had a vivid image of a cat going in to a liquor store with an ID and a credit card and coming out dragging a plain brown bag with it's teeth.
"Just promise me you won't go on TV," Brittany said with sincerity. "If you do, you'll start singing to appliances and get divorced. Then Kurt will have to date a blond and Blaine will hook up with a fugly old guy who has no neck and scream at birds."
"Huh?" I was soooo confused. I need more sleep. Or I'm dreaming about two girls in cheerleading uniforms and one wants to make out with me and stick her hand in my pants. Actually, I think I'm having a nightmare that I'm in one of my brother Cooper's fantasies. "What TV show?"
"The one with the singing doctors. The nurse died last time, but she got better. Or maybe she's a ghost. And all the fast food commercials with Kurt's new girlfriend. You know." Brittany twirled a strand of hair around her finger.
No, I don't know. But Kurt looked like he did.
"For the love of Richard O'Brian." Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why why why were you watching Shock Treatment?" he demanded.
"I wrote in my diary about how you got married and my cat Charity read it and wanted to know if you lived happily ever after, so I decided to check. And you won't if you go on TV."
I mumbled, "I feel like I need shock treatment."
Kurt turned in my arms so he was facing me. "Shock Treatment is the kinda sorta sequel to Rocky Horror. It takes place in a TV studio where Ralph and Betty are divorced and work on the set. Brad and Janet are having marriage problems so they go on a game show and Janet wants to be the star of the morning program so she gets Brad committed...you know what? Never mind. It makes less sense than Rocky. We can watch it later."
"Why didn't you tell us you have a boyfriend?" asked Santana.
"We just started dating this morning. And you can't tell Rachel."
Santana glared at Kurt. "And why don't you want your annoying fag hag to know?"
Kurt sighed as he detangled himself from me and stood. "I met Blaine while spying on our competition for sectionals. He's a Dalton Academy Warbler."
Santana started laughing. "You finally decide to get your gay on and its with a spy?"
"I spied on them!"
I stood up to defend Kurt. Before I could open my mouth, Santana grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled so that our faces were about an inch apart. "Listen up short dark and preppy. I am not putting up with any spy shit like last year. If you are spying and I find out I will go all Lima Heights Adjacent on your ass. I don't fuck around with eggs. I will break a frying pan on your head. And if you play my boy Kurt, not only will I rip your dick off, I will tell Coach Sylvester and they will. Never. Find. Your mutilated remains. Clear?"
I gulped. I really wasn't. I get that she's threatening to kill me, but eggs? "Cr-crystal," I stammered. Santana let go.
"Okay, Satan." Kurt sounded irked. "Stop trying to scare him off. We don't have a set list and I already know what they're singing. He isn't Jessie St. Sucks.
"Who?" asked Brittany.
"The soulless robot from Vocal Adrenalin," said Santana
"What?" Brittany sounded as confused as I felt.
"He dated and broke up with Rachel right before regionals last year and he stole our set list and info," said Kurt.
"Mr. Schue's son?" tried Santana.
The spy was the glee teacher's son? Nothing that anyone said about New Directions ever made any sense.
"Ohhhh, Jessie!" said Brittany. "That fucking dick? Blaine's not a fucking dick. Well, he probably is if he's a boy. Because Kurt likes fucking dicks. For sex. Not the bad kind, like Jessie."
Something Kurt said finally caught up with me. "You don't know what we're singing for sectionals." I knew I hadn't said anything. None of the Warblers would have said anything.
"Yes, I do." He sounded very confident. "I am James Bond. I am way too fabulous to go undercover, but I complete my mission. And I always get my man." Guh! I wanted Kurt to get me. Alone in his room with the door locked.
"What are they singing?" asked Santana.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Peacock, by Katy Perry," he deadpanned.
"I bet he wants to see your peacock," said Santana.
"Who says he hasn't," Kurt shot back.
"I want to see Blaine's," said Brittany, "so I'll know if he's a boy."
"Enough," Kurt shouted. "Brittany - Blaine's a boy. Blaine - Yes, I do know what you are singing. Santana - I'm not telling, so don't ask."
"Who told you?" I asked.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "No one. I figured it out."
"No way," I said.
"I'll bet you. If I'm wrong, I'll wear the Riffraff gold alien outfit next time we go see Rocky. If I'm right, you're wearing it.
"Prove it," I said. I desperately wanted to see him in the Riffraff costume. Now that I was his boyfriend, I would be able to stare at his ass all I wanted.
He grabbed me by the back of the neck and put his mouth right next to my ear, his voice barley above a whisper. "Soul Sister. And I bet your practicing Bills, Bills, Bills and Misery for a second song or if you can get past us to regionals." He pulled back looking smug.
"You don't sing it right when it comes on the radio. You only sing your part and you breath in the wrong places because your arrangement is different. I do the same thing with songs I've preformed. "
"You win," I grudgingly admitted.
"Hooray!" Kurt gloated. "OK, ladies and boyfriend, we need to go Victoria's Secret now. Blaine needs some black satin panties to go with the outfit." He dragged me down stairs and threw some clothes at me. We got dressed in record time and went back up to the girls.
"See," said Brittany to Santana as were were being shooed out the door by Kurt, "We're going to get girl underwear. I knew Blaine wasn't a boy."
It's been an interesting two weeks since I asked Kurt to be my boyfriend. Our first date, last Saturday, was magical. He looked amazing. I didn't do anything embarrassing. We took flowers to Kurt's mom. The food was fantastic. I was a perfect gentleman. Well, I groped his ass a bit while kissing him goodbye. Fine, I groped his ass a lot. He's gorgeous, don't judge me.
I'd also gotten to meet a few more of Kurt's friends. Finn was nice, if somewhat clueless. He'd asked if I was sure I was gay when I told him I like sports. Mercedes threatened to cut me if I hurt her boo. After Santana, she wasn't all that scary, but I know my boyfriend appreciated the gesture.
Kurt, using his Slythern cunning, had convinced me I still needed to wear the gold alien costume even though it's Tacky Horror. So instead of Riffraff, I'm dressed as Magenta. When I'd complained to Wes about wearing girl underwear, because the cut is weird, he'd oh so helpfully pointed out that Kurt could bat his big beautiful eyes at me and I'd agree to wear nothing but rainbow glitter and smile. Yeah, well, Wes can shove his gavel up his ass. Hammer end first.
Yes, you can tell my fellow Warblers love me because yesterday before rehearsal, I was given a present wrapped in wedding paper. Inside was - big surprise! - a glass dildo with a rainbow swirl design, I don't even know how many condoms, and three bottles of flavored lube. Jeff took dozens of pictures while everyone called out "helpful" suggestions of how to use the stuff. I was seriously considering kidnapping Kurt and moving to Timbuktu to escape the teasing. Or France. We should go to France. And we can sit in a cafe all day and I can listen to him speaking French with that sexy accent. Mmmmmm.
And now, I was sitting in the theater waiting for the show to start and playing games on my phone with the gloves in my lap. I'm sure my reagazo would have something to say about sacrificing fashion for entertainment. At least the gold top covered my crotch while I was sitting. My hair looked fantastic. Kurt had joined me in the shower so he could make sure I washed all of the "crap" out. I'm sure grinding against each other until we'd had spectacular orgasms hadn't helped my hair, but Best Shower Ever! A small amount of organic product to enhance the curls and a little white hair color for the streak, and I had my Magenta hair. I don't think I really look like her, even with the make-up, but at least it's obvious who I'm dressed up as.
Kurt said that he should bring his sai swords to threaten all the boys and girls who were going to be hitting one me. Protective Kurt is even sexier now that he's my boyfriend. I was daydreaming about BAMF Kurt defending me from Eric with his swords when a pair of hands covered my eyes. "Guess who?"
"Anna," I begged, "please tell me you have a shirt on." My cousin would be playing Rocky and she had wanted to do it topless. Kurt had told her that all the dancing would be uncomfortable with out any proper support.
"I'm wearing a swimsuit top." I sighed in relief. "Kurt wanted me to let you know he's supposed to stay back stage. And he's throwing an epic bitch fit about the wig," she said. "He seems awfully uptight for someone with a boyfriend. You should both be walking funny from from screwing each others brains out. Do you need me to get you more condoms?"
I rolled my eyes. "Nah, we've got at least three dozen," I said, estimating how many had come with the dildo. "But thanks." I tried to ignore the blush creeping over my cheeks when I realized what I'd implied to Anna.
She blinked at me. "Three dozen? Feeling ambitious?"
"It's not what it sounds like," I said. I wanted it to be what it sounded like. I desperately wanted it to be exactly what it sounded like. "Aren't you supposed to be back stage?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Probably. But I'm ready. I should play Rocky every week. It took me less than five minuets to get ready and do my make-up." She had on gold glitter eyeliner, mascara, and pale pink lipstick. I was wearing more make-up than she was. "No one will care that I'm out here."
She fiddled with the rhinestone R on the bottom of her extremely short shorts. "You gonna be ok with me having sex with your boyfriend?" Anna asked, a teasing note in her voice. The guy who was supposed to play Janet was sick. She had called Kurt shortly after we got out of the shower and begged him to fill in. According to her, he was the only one who knew the part and would fit the regular Janet's costume. I'd only heard Kurt's half of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure Anna offered to preform a variety of sexual favors if he would agree to fill in for the preshow, too. When that didn't work, because naked girls - ew - I think she offered to talk me into providing the sexual favors.
"Seeing as we already got fake married and he made me watch Shock Treatment so I guess now we'er fake divorced...sure Kurt can fake seduce you. But please, stop offering him sex to get him to do you favors. I know how to box," I waggled a finger at her. "I'm ready to scare off anyone hitting on him, and that includes you."
Anna snorted. "You don't need to be the knight in shining gold alien costume. Your boyfriend is a ninja, dumbass. First time he came to Rocky, some guy grabbed his ass and Kurt did this weird Vulcan death grip on the guy's hand. The guy's turning white and making a horrible face while Kurt's calmly explaining that he knows he the best dressed boy the guy's ever seen in this hick cow town. But if he ever intends to whack off with his favorite hand again, he will keep it at least three feet from from the fabulousness that is Kurt Hummel." I laughed. I'm so lucky Kurt likes it when I grab his ass.
Music started playing really loudly and the audience began to wander in. The theater filled up quickly. Jack, the same MC as last time, walked on stage in a dress and a wig. He looked surprising good as a girl. "Welcome to the Rocky Horror Picture Show!" he yelled into the mike. "It's Tacky Horror! For any of you virgins who don't know what that means, girls are playing the boy's parts and boys playing the girl's parts. It's pretty much a fuck off show. And if you don't like it you can..."
"Fuck off!" the audience screamed.
"We're having a costume contest, so get your ass up here now if you want to enter. Attitude check!"
We shouted the correct responses until Jack announced that there was a special pre-show. The stage lights went out and three figures walked out onto the stage.
Hey there sugar baby
Saw you twice at the pop show
You take just like glitter
Mixed with rock and roll
I like you a lot lot
Think you're really hot hot
Kurt was wearing a dress. A black sleeveless vinyl dress with a scooped neck that was very short, showing off his legs, and the knee high boots with heels made him impossibly tall. He had on a choker, a headband, wig and make-up. And he was singing about how he likes boys.
Oh. My. God.
The other two boys were probably dressed identically to Kurt, but I wasn't looking at them except for when they started grinding up against Kurt. They were dancing, if you could call practically having an orgy on stage dancing. I was really glad Kurt and I had taken a shower together or I'd be embarrassing myself.
Boys boys boys
We like boys in cars
Boys boys boys
Buy us drinks in bars
Boys boys boys
With hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them!
We love them!
They finished the song with Kurt sandwiched between the two boys. He had one leg up and bent around the waist of the guy in front of him and he was leaned back into the boy behind him, who had his hands on Kurt's waist. Unf. Kurt was so flexible. I was extremely glad Mr. Hummel wasn't going to be home this weekend. I didn't think I'd be able to keep it down once we got to Kurt's room.
The applause was thunderous. Kurt gracefully untangled himself and curtsied. The three of them waved as they left the stage. Jack came back out and I couldn't hear a thing he said because Kurt ran down the aisle towards me. He sat on my lap and crossed his legs. "What'd you think?" he asked as he put one of his arms around my neck.
"I...uh," I was having trouble coming up with something to say other than 'Lets go to your house so we can fuck like rabbits.'
"I think you melted his brain," Anna suggested.
"That was more fun than a McKinley High sex riot," Kurt said, high fiving Anna.
"Your not mad, are you?" Kurt asked, snuggling closer. "I know that was kind of provocative, but it wasn't really worse than some of our glee performances."
I couldn't imagine a glee performance being sexier than this. What would you have to do to cause a sex riot? Did they all sing naked or something? Mmmm. Kurt singing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinals, naked. And touching himself.
Anna's voice brought me out of the McKinley high auditorium where Kurt was putting on a private performance for me, singing Adam Lambert's Fever naked in a colored strobe light and back to the theater. "What the hell did you do to my cousin?" she asked Kurt. "I can always tell when he's thinking about you because his eyes glaze over. He's starting to look like a junkie."
"I do not look like a junkie!" I protested.
"Yes. You do," Anna said.
Hmm. Maybe I do. David had spent most of the last rehearsal telling me to pay attention. I wasn't my fault I kept wondering if Kurt would let me rub the flavored lube into his perfect skin and slowly lick it off.
"Oh my god, Blaine, your doing it again. I have to go and you need to get changed." Anna stood up and left in a huff.
"Seriously, though," Kurt said, "you're not mad, right? They really needed me to fill in."
"If we hadn't taken that shower together, you singing "Boys, Boys, Boys" would be the sexiest thing I have ever seen. As it is, it's a very close second. I may have to request an encore performance."
"I'll keep that in mind." He pulled me closer for an amazing kiss. "I gotta go get changed. Don't forget to come help me do the quick change. As soon as I get turned into a statue and run off, head backstage." He winked as he left.
I was lost in daydreams of Kurt. We weren't ready for sex sex, yet. But there was so much we could do. Like blow jobs. I should definitely give Kurt a blow job.
The audience cheered. Huh?
I looked up at the stage, blinking. Apparently, they were announcing the winners of the costume contest. At the rate I was going, I was going to miss the end of the movie again.
Jack went over the rules and then started announcing the cast members. They ran down the aisles to the stage as their names were called. The trannies all looked like punks. The Janet costume fit Kurt, but the skirt was so short on him. His legs looked good in those heels. The girl playing Riffraff was tiny. It was funny seeing how mismatched everyone seemed to their part. When everyone was on stage, the MC yelled, "and here's your Frank-N-Furter...Kristen!"
Music started and Frankie strutted out on stage.
I just had sex
And it felt so good
I woman let me put my penis inside her
I just had sex
And I'll never go back
To the not having sex ways of the past
She danced down the steps, kissing people on the forehead, and running her hands over everyone she could reach.
We wanna thank you all
For letting us fuck you
She kept looking at her watch
We yelled back "Doesn't matter had sex"
But I cried the whole time
"Doesn't matter had sex"
I think she mighta been a racist
"Doesn't matter had sex"
She put a bag on my head
I just had sex
And my dreams came true
So if you've had sex in the last 30 minutes
Then you qualified to sing with me
The audience sang along waving their arms in the air and several people pulled out lighters.
I just had sex
And I'll never go back
To the not have sex ways of the past
It feels so great
The song ended with cheering and stomping feet. Virgin sacrifices were next. Jack ran back on stage. "We're doing something different this time. Virgins, you are putting a condom on a banana using only your mouth. You bite, you loose. First to finish is the winner!" The bananas were strategically placed between cast members legs. Five virgins kneeled on the stage. Anna, two trannies, the guy playing Columbia and the girl playing Eddie were the cast members. As soon as Jack said go, Anna started faking a very loud orgasm. Everyone on stage cracked up and it had to be next to impossible to do that while laughing.
Anna's virgin was the winner and he was sent off stage to get into the dress.
Jack yelled,"I need some. Lips! Lips! Lips!" and they rolled the print.
The stripper was a guy this time. He was good looking, but nothing compared to my boyfriend. The audience yelled callback lines. The few I tried to yell were too soon, too late or completely wrong. No one seemed to care. Trixie stripped down to a thong and danced off stage as the wedding party entered. Anna snuck out from behind the stage and sat next to me. I grabbed the bubbles and we added to the hundreds floating in the air.
Kurt was amazing. How many times had he seen this movie? He'd gotten less than two hours notice that he was performing and he was more in sink with the movie than anyone else. Seriously. He had the blocking down. He wasn't glancing at the print like the girl playing Brad. Kurt was going to take over Broadway when he got there. I wished I could hear him singing over the soundtrack.
Brad proposed. The five trannies each had a board with one red glitter letter spelling JANET. They held these up every time they sang "Janet." The other side of the boards said O BRAD. Kurt looked at Brad with adoration on his face and I realized I'd seen that look before. It was the way Kurt looked at me, especially when he didn't think I was looking at him.
I sang along with "There's a Light" and Anna stood up to salute the flag on the top of the castle. The Time Warp with Anna wasn't nearly as much fun as fun as dancing it with Kurt. The look on his face when Frankie showed up mirrored Janet's perfectly. I did manage to successfully yell a few comments I remembered. Kurt had, apparently, been holding out on me because most of what Anna was a yelling was crude.
"I'm Brad Majors"
"Asshole," yelled the audience.
"and is my fiancé Janet Weiss,"
"No yet, give her time," yelled a boy near me.
"Hey I gave her time last week," shouted Anna. She leaned over and said quietly, "I gotta go."
Anna was great, too. Except when she got sort of chased down the aisle by Frankie, she paused to playfully grope the people sitting on the ends of the aisles. So of course she had to run her hand up my leg and try to stick it under my costume. I swear when I get picked up by the police for murder they will decide it was completely justified and let me go without so much as a slap on the wrist.
You would think Kurt done this a million times. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
I grumbled through the bedroom scene. At least it wasn't with Eric. But was weird watching my boyfriend getting seduced by a girl pretending to be a boy who was pretending to be a different boy.
It was stranger when it was Kurt seducing Anna. Kurt towered of her in the tank. And his bra looked weird. I wondered why he didn't stuff it with something smoother. Janet was singing and trying to get Rocky to have sex with her by ripping off a piece of her slip to make him a bandage.
"Come on, Janet," I yelled. "Make him a three piece suit." I was glad Kurt had made me watch the movie a couple of times and taught me the timing of a few callbacks. Even if we started making out and I'd managed to miss the end of the movie every time.
Rocky was slowly giving in to Janet's advances. In the movie, Rocky grabbed Janet's breasts. On stage, they were both reaching into Kurt's bra and throwing handfuls of something at the audience. One hit me in the head and I grabbed it. Jelly beans. No wonder his bra looked lumpy. I squinted at it in the dark theater. Bertie Bott's Beans. Yuck. I really hoped no one tried to eat them. On screen, Janet and Rocky were in the tank having sex. On stage, Anna apparently thought it would be funny to bend Kurt over the side of the tank and pretend to fuck him from behind. It was the first time I'd seen him break character. He was laughing so hard I think his eyes were watering. They ducked down into the tank.
"The intruder is entering the building, master," announced Riffraff.
"Intrudes usually do," came the snarky reply.
Right before Janet and Rocky were discovered in the tank, someone yelled, "Mouseketeer roll call sound off now." The characters were all yelling each others' names.
"Bullwinkle!" shouted Jack, popping up in the tank wearing a headband with antlers over his wig.
Kurt looked sexy running around in the panties, bra and ripped up slip getting chased by Frank. Of course, he looked good in anything. Or nothing. He looked really good in nothing.
Frank had Magenta freeze everyone's feet to the floor,
"You wont find Earth people quite the easy option you like. This sonic transducer it is, I suppose, some kind of audio, vibratory, physio-molecular transport device," said Dr. Scott.
"You mean, it's a vibrator," shouted someone behind me.
Yes it something we have been working on ourselves for quite some time.
"A working vibrator."
But it seems our friend here, has gone and perfected it.
"A perfect vibrator."
A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter.
"A broken vibrator."
And the projecting it, through space and who knows, perhaps even time, itself.
"Dr Who's vibrator."
Magenta turned everyone into statues. "This party's awesome," a girl near me yelled. "Everyone's either plastered or stoned." Ducking down, I ran to the back.
I had to blink a few times to adjust to the brighter light. Kurt was bent over rolling a fishnet onto his leg.
He was trying to kill me. My brain was going to liquefy and leak out my ears.
My super sexy boyfriend had his black satan clad ass in my face while I attached his garters to the tops of the fishnets. He was frantically putting on white face followed by green eyes shadow and a green line around the edge of the white makeup. "Corset," he said. I snapped him in as fast as I could. He put on his gloves, stepped into his shoes and grabbed his boa. I didn't want to mess up his makeup so I gave him a quick kiss on the back of his shoulder.
"Oops." I completely forgot I had on lipstick.
"Blaine," said Kurt, sounding panicked, "oops, what?"
"You have a lipstick kiss on your shoulder."
He shrugged. "I'll have a bunch of lipstick on me by the end of the show. Orgy in the pool." He spun around and I grabbed his hips.
"You look sexy," I breathed. "Knock 'em dead."
Kurt snorted. "Almost everyone dies in this movie."
I ran back to my seat just in time to see Columbia, Brad, Janet and Rocky, walk onto the stage. The floor show didn't look that different from a regular show because everyone was in lingerie. Except now I think I have a thing for sexy boys in women's underwear. The black satin showed off the outline of his cock beautifully. Kurt pretend swam over to me and we kissed till he needed to get back on stage. I was determined to pay attention to the end of the movie. Riffraff shot Columbia and Frank. He kept shooting Rocky, but it didn't seem to be hurting him. Rocky fell in the pool and...drowned? He was just swimming in the pool during the orgy. Brad, Janet and Dr. Scott fled the castle and were crawling around in the dirt while the castle took off like an exceedingly low budget special effect. Brad half sat up and sang.
I've done a lot
"Of drugs," someone yelled.
God knows I've tried
To find the truth
I've even lied
And all I know
Is down inside I'm bleeding
"Then use a tampon, stupid!"
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I wanted brain bleach except Kurt was singing or something. He crawled around on the stage with my lipstick kisses covering his neck and shoulders. They should rename this the "look at Kurt's ass show." A girl in front of me stood up as the movie started spinning. She moved his arms to make it look like she was rotating the the scene. Which turned into a globe. The criminologist stopped it and she yelled, "I'll stop the world and melt with you," as the scene dissolved. The criminologist was trying to tie up the movie, I think, by talking about humans being like insects.
"What's this movie lack?" shouted Kurt, from off stage, as the speech winded down.
"Meaning," finished the criminologist.
"One more time for the virgins," he shouted
This movie lacks something, alright. Like a plot, common sense, and continuity.
Kurt came running down from the stage as soon as he'd finished bows with the cast. He was still wearing the corset, fishnets and black satin panties. God, he looked hot. I needed to figure out how to get him to keep that on till we got to his place with out sounding like a sex crazed maniac.
"I want to try something tonight," he said, leaning over so he could whisper in my ear. "I want to blow you."
I just turned into a sex crazed maniac and my dick throbbed painfully. "Sure," I squeaked.
Anna wandered over. "Janet and Magenta aren't a couple," she said, waggling her finger.
"They want me to be Riffraff for two shows next month," Kurt replied.
"That's okay, then," said Anna. "Magenta's fucking brother." She smirked at me. "Or is he fucking her?"
Wait. "Riffraff is Magenta's brother?" I asked. "And they're having sex."
"Yes" said Anna.
Where do they keep getting all this information from because it sure as hell isn't in the movie. Whatever. Even now that I've finally seen the end, I still don't get it. But if going to Rocky involves Kurt wearing a bunch of sexy costumes, I think I can learn to love it.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it!
I am now going to be posting on AO3 and Scarves and Coffee under the same name - Petalene. It is easier to post there, AO3 lets you download stories to your , and they have friendlier terms of service. The stories I have here will stay here, but new stuff will be going to the other two places.
If anyone is curious or cares-Richard O'Brian wrote Rocky Horror and played Riffraff in the movie. Shock Treatment is the sorta kinda sequel to Rocky Horror. It doesn't continue from Rocky, but does have a lot of the same cast and several of the same characters. It isn't nearly as popular as Rocky, but I have seen it with a live cast and I've performed it. Brittany's description is accurate (although she does make a reference to Columbia being shot in Rocky), but it isn't very precise. It would be like her describing Rocky as "It's that movie where they get engaged at the funeral and crash the tranny convention because they wanted to go to the dinner party in their underwear. Then the maid, who's totally doing her brother, turns everyone into status so they'll go swimming. And they were going to make that blond guy into a man but he started wearing girl underwear so I guess it didn't work." It's mostly correct, but it really doesn't cover the scope of the thing. The movie is as weird as Rocky, if not weirder, but I love the songs-except the one Janet's dad sings.