A/N: This is my first New Girl fic. I just spent my weekend re-watching every episode from this season, and I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to 'fix' some things. Don't get me wrong; the show is perfect. I don't want Nick and Jess to get together too soon. But it's fun to play around in fanfic and write some "what if" episode tags, right?
So here's my tag for "Kryptonite." Remember how Jess said she was supposed to pick Rochelle up at the airport the following Sunday? What if…
She was going to do this. This wasn't, like, some huge deal. She would just slip out to the airport casually and return an hour or so later. Nobody would even have to know.
"You going out, Jess?"
Jess released the doorknob as if burned. She whirled around to find Nick glancing up at her from the couch. How had she not noticed him there?
'Okay, Jess,' she thought to herself. 'Just stay cool. You can do this. Just don't act weird and he won't suspect a thing.'
"I'm not acting weird!" she blurted out.
A confused half-smile spread across Nick's face.
"Okay, I'm not gonna say you're wrong. I'm just gonna say that it's really more a matter of opinion," he informed her.
"It's really more a matter of your mom's opinion," Jess parried.
Nick's eyebrows jumped a little, but his smile grew.
"Wow. My mom would be… so confused right now," he said. "No, but seriously, where are you going?"
Jess felt her heart speed up.
"Why do you care? What are you, like… the Going Places Police?" she demanded.
And just like that, Nick's smile was gone.
"Yeah, that's a thing," he said under his breath. Then, louder, he asked, "Why are you acting weird?"
"That's really more a matter of opinion," Jess reminded him.
Nick sat up straighter on the couch.
"Jess, what is going on?"
"Nothing! I'm just going to the store," she said defensively.
Her voice had grown uncomfortably higher pitched. She had just begun to turn the knob when he spoke again.
"Okay. I don't know why you're getting so testy with me, but I actually need to pick up a few things. Is it okay if I come with you?"
"What? No!" Jess exclaimed, spinning back around.
He had risen from the couch and was halfway to the door, but froze at her response.
"All right, I have no idea what's happening anymore. Are we fighting?" he asked.
He looked completely bewildered and a little angry, and Jess knew there was no salvaging this. She sighed and turned around.
"Okay, fine! I'm going to the airport, okay?"
"The airport? Why are you going to the airport? Without luggage?" he asked.
Jess gave him a pointed look, waiting for him to come to the realization on his own. She didn't have to wait long. Nick's mouth formed into that upside-down 'U,' and he started shaking his head.
"What?" Jess asked innocently.
Nick was unfrozen now. He walked right up to her, put his hands on her shoulders, "No. Absolutely not."
"What?" Jess repeated. Nevertheless she allowed Nick to steer her towards the couch.
"You are not picking that girl up at the airport, Jess," Nick replied, giving her a gentle shove backwards onto the couch when he said the word, 'not.'
"'That girl?' You know what, Nick? She has a name. And it's a beautiful, slutty mermaid name. Rochelle."
All of her fake indignation disappeared after she said the name. She let out a little moan and buried her face in a pillow.
"Okay, see? This is why I will not let you pick up that douchebag's new girlfriend! You're just going to get upset all over again!" Nick said, plopping down next to her.
"I'm not upset!" Jess retorted, but because she whined it into a pillow, it didn't hold the level of gravitas that she had hoped.
She felt a weight settle across her shoulders and looked up to find that Nick and thrown an arm around her.
"Come on, Jess. Spencer's a huge loser. And 'Suck it, Mister Crabs,' will go down in history as some of the best 'last words to an ex' ever. Don't mess with that. Make it a clean break."
"I know you're right, it's just…" She paused and looked down at her hands before continuing, "Rochelle's going to be stranded at the airport, and even though she's a skanky boyfriend-stealing ho, she's actually a pretty nice person."
"Listen, you can't feel bad for this girl. You're off the hook. There's no way that Spencer still expects you to pick his girlfriend up after how things went down last week."
Jess squinted over at him.
"I'm pretty sure he does though, because on Facebook his status right now is, 'Waiting for my girl to be delivered into my arms,'" she said tentatively.
Nick's face scrunched up in disgust for a second.
"Maybe he's waiting for her to be delivered via cab," he offered.
Jess shook her head.
"Spencer doesn't believe in cabs. He says they pollute the environment more than regular cars because tourists weigh more than most people and the engine has to work harder to—"
"Oh my god, he is the worst!" Nick groaned, pulling his arm from around her.
"I know," Jess admitted.
"How did you ever date him? For six… years?" he went on, looking at her with wide eyes. He seemed genuinely bewildered.
"Looking back, I honestly think it had the most do with his hair," Jess said with a shrug.
Nick made the turtle face again.
"He wears a scrunchie, Jess. And his hair's actually pretty greasy."
"Okay, well that's just crazy," she snorted. "I know you're trying to make me feel better but Spencer has beautiful hair, and that's a fact, Jack."
Nick shook his head slightly, but didn't attempt to argue the point.
"Look, just stay here, okay? We'll make some jam. What did Schmidt say we needed? A funnel and a canner? Let's go get that stuff; let's jam it up; let's start a jam session up in this bitch."
Jess couldn't help but smile at the fake enthusiasm with which Nick was pushing the jam idea.
"You're being really sweet, and I know you're trying to protect me from myself here, but if I leave Rochelle stranded in front of baggage claim, I'm going to feel guilty all day. Possibly all week," she said apologetically.
Nick threw his head back, covered his face with his hands, and sighed. Jess watched him warily for a moment. Then he straightened up and pinned her with a determined look.
"All right, here's what we're gonna do," he began.
"You're a man with a plan!" Jess exclaimed helpfully.
"First, I'm coming with you," he stated.
Jess hesitated for only a second. Then, with a firm nod, she said, "Okay."
"Second, you are wearing the JAM-boree shirt," he went on.
She smiled again and rose from the couch.
"I'll go change."
But Nick wasn't completely finished. As Jess entered her bedroom, she heard him shouting one last thing.
"And third, I'm wearing your red hat!"
End Notes: Okay, you have to imagine me singing this in a Jess voice…
You know it's kind of jerky
To leave the waters murky
And not tell an author what you thiiiiink
So please review this chapter
And then I can adapt her
So the rest of the tale won't stiiiiiink!
Let me know your thoughts, folks :) This is going to be a two- or three-parter and I'm excited!