I'm not even sorry. XD


"Dude, you're TV is the shit!" Coach Beiste had ordered all the football players to gather at someones house Sunday an all watch the game together in another attempt to bond them. So they were all gathered in the Hudmel living room getting settled, when they heard noise in the kitchen.

"Sounds like Kurt and the girls are up." Finn said, taking a mouthfull of potato chips.

"Hold up," Azimio started, "You're telling me, since you have a gay step-brother girls sleep over here?" Finn nods, like it's the most normal thing in the world.

"They're actually kinda boring. They gossip a lot though."

Just then they heard a squeal from the kitchen that sounded like Tina,

"Holy crap! Kurt! ahh!"

"Tina chill." Santana started in, "Now Kurtsy, tell auntie Tanny how ditching the cute V-card of yours was."

"I am NOT going into details." Rachel made a grunting noise,

"I'll tell you about mine?"

"eew Rach. No. Your first time was with Finn. I do NOT under ANY circumstances want to hear about that."

"What if the world were going to end if you didn't?"

"Too damn bad."

"At LEAST tell us how big he is!" Santana insisted.

"NO."

"KUUURRRTTT. Please!" Brittany begged.

"Fine. But this doesn't leave this room. Understood?" The girls must have nodded, and all the boys were staring at the door to the kitchen, "Nine inches." The boys jaws fell, and so did the girls apparently because there was no more sound from the kitchen. Finn pulled out a ruler from the side table and looked at it,

"Dude, wtf?" Puck hissed at him, and Finn held up the ruler, pointing to the nine inch mark.

"How is that POSSIBLE?" Sam asked, glaring at the ruler.

"That must have hurt." They heard Rachel say from the kitchen,

"At first, but after you get past the burn it feels so fucking great. I don't even know how to describe it. Take how it feels when your G-spot is hit and times it but like a thousand."

"Damn." Santana said, "Really that good?"

"Yeah. Because it pounds right into your prostate, and since Blaine is fucking huge to begin with it's like, impossible not to hit it."

"Wow. What's your fav position?" Mercedes asked,

"I like riding him. It's just right."

"Have you ever done anything kinky?" Tina pressed on, the boys really wished they could leave, but there was no way to get to the front door without going through the kitchen, and the back door was currently sealed shut because it broke.

"Yeah. I mean nothing hard core, but we did experiment with blindfolding, and tying up." They heard someone whistle, and it seemed like Kurt got over his not telling thing,

"Ever had sex anywhere but the bed?"

"Oh my god. If my family knew the places we've had sex I'd be in SO much trouble."

"WHERE?" Mercedes begged, and Finn thought about plugging his ears because he simply didn't want to know, but he felt he needed to,

"Both showers, kitchen table and counter, living room floor, couch, against the wall in the hallway, over the coffee table, in the hot tub-"

"You did it outside?" Santana yelled,

"Yep. where was I? Um... oh! On my desk, in the janitors closet, couch in the choir room, Mr. schues desk, on the piano in the auditorium, boys locker room showers, bench in the boys locker room, and Finns bed."

The boys looked over to Finn, whos eye was twitching and he looked murderous.

"Oh. My. Wanky."