***Hey thar y'all,
Mah nahme is Rogue. Nuthin' else, jus' Rogue. Ah was neavhar eavhar given an act-shul nahme in tha show, thar-four any auh-thah birth nahme given ta may in fanfiction is nawt valid. Nawt evhen mah nahme from tha comics, which is "Anna Marie". If it wozn't explicitly stated in tha show, it's nawt canonical. Nuthin' can bay assumed, and all creativity must bay sterilized. It's lahke trying to plow uh field wit' uh couple uh panda bears instead a' horses.
Oh, didn't ya know? Ah'm frahm tha South, so all a' mah analogies must directly correlate tuh fahrming. Bay-coz ev'rybody in tha South fahrms. Lit-erally, thah are absolutely no cities in tha South. That's why ev'ry single Southerner is uh redneck, bay-coz thah are only fahrms spread wide ov-auh tha terrain, isolated frohm any outside source a' human contact. So, uh Southerner equals uh fahrmer. Fa nahow, let's jus' ignore that tha lahrges' agricultural ree-gion is in tha Midwest. After all, ev'rybody from tha South is jus' uh racist hillbilly, raihght?
That re-minds may. Ah cannot ex-press tha impur-tonce a' mah Southern accent. As an X-Men: Evolution fanfiction writ-auh, it is ya-ore responsibility tuh incorporate mah accent in-tuh ev'ry piece a' mah dialogue. Auh-thar-wise, ya remohve tha central ahh-spect a' mah character. Ev'rything about may mus' revolve ahh-round mah place a' origin. Which, ya should know bie na-how, is tha South.
Fo-thar-more, sev'ral a' you seem ta bay confused about mah relationship ta Kurt. He is nawt mah stepbro-thah or blood bro-thah; he is mah adoptive bro-thah. Jus' wahn-ted tuh cuh-lari-if-fie. And we're nawt that close eavhen if we both do worship Satan, bay-coz Ah don't have tha pay-shence fo' his sense a' hew-mor. Ah'm told that he ree-sent-lee did get uh roommay-ate, though: tha flamboyantly gay Jean-Paul Beaubier.
And as fo' mah adoptive maw-thah, Mystique? Well, she maih be uh murderous terrorist who continues tuh dee-save may and tries tuh kill my friends, but Ah still ree-spec' her az uh person. After all, ev'rybody haz thar quirks.
Ah also wahn-ted tuh let y'all know that Ah'm nawt uh goth, and Ah don't dress lahke one either. Ah actually fay-vor tha hippie style most a' all. Go-go boots, micro-miniskirts, gold chain belts, fringed vests, Pocohantas headbands, bell-bottom jeans, daishikis, peasant blouses, longs full skirts in tie-dye- that's mah look a' choice. Ah'm afraid all ya fanfiction writ-auhs merely miz-con-strew-ed mah dee-sign on tha T.V. show and sim-play miz-took may fo' uh goth.
Most a' ya have puh-aired may with Gambit, which is uh good choice. I luave uh mahn who tries tuh chayt on may wit' mah ahwn maw-thah, continues tuh chayt on may, and views may solely as uh conquest rathah than uh lah-git-tim-ate person. It's so romahntic!
Also, Gambit is mah knight in shinin' armor. Yay seay, Ah hate tuh faight, and Ah can't faight v'ry wa-hell. Ah always nade someone else tuh bay thar faighting fo' may, preferably uh handsome, shirtless man with ripplin' muscles, bay-coz Ah'm too pathetic tuh actually defend mahself. Ah'm always bay-ing tay-ken captive, and Ah constantly nade tuh bay rescued from dayn-ger and subsequently mahn-hahndled bei mah bihg, strohng boyfriend. Mah dreahm is tuh bay-come tha pur-fect housewife and tuh always nade tuh day-pend on uh mahn fo' income and protection.
Bei tha wei, thar was neahvar any feud involvin' Ms. Marvel faighting aghainst Mystique and Ah. Tha only rheason Ah ghained her powhers is bay-coz we got intuh uh faight when Ah tried tuh chut in front a' her in tha cough-fay line at Starbucks. And eavhen though Ah nahow have all a' her powhers, inclhuding supher-streangth, naigh invulnerability, and flhight, Ah'd still rathah whait around fo' uh guy tuh rescue may, bay-coz Ah can't eavher do uh thang tuh help mahself and instead have tuh ra-main uh burr-den on auh-thah people. It's lahke Ah'm Bella Swann and Gambit is mah Edward. We're so in lahve!
*** Translation is here:
Hey there you all,
My name is Rogue. Nothing else, just Rogue. I was never ever given an actual name in the show, therefore any other birth name given to me in fanfiction is not valid. Not even my name from the comics, which is "Anna Marie". If it wasn't explicitly stated in the show, it's not canonical. Nothing can be assumed, and all creativity must be sterilized. It's like trying to plow a field with a couple of panda bears instead of horses.
Oh, didn't you know? I'm from the South, so all of my analogies must directly correlate to farming. Because everybody in the South farms. Literally, there are absolutely no cities in the South. That's why every single Southerner is a redneck, because there are only farms spread wide over the terrain, isolated from any source of outside human contact. So, a Southerner equals a farmer. For now, let's just ignore that the largest agricultural region is in the Midwest. After all, everybody from the South is just a racist hillbilly, right?
That reminds me. I cannot express the importance of my Southern accent. As an X-Men: Evolution fanfiction writer, it is your responsibility to incorporate my accent into every piece of my dialogue. Otherwise, you remove the central aspect of my character. Everything about me must revolve around my place of origin. Which, you should know by now, is the South.
Furthermore, several of you seem to be confused about my relationship to Kurt. He is not my stepbrother or blood brother; he is my adoptive brother. Just wanted to clarify. And we're not that close even if we both do worship Satan, because I don't have the patience for his sense of humor. I'm told that he recently did get a roommate, though: the flamboyantly gay Jean-Paul Beaubier.
And as for my adoptive mother, Mystique? Well, she may be a murderous terrorist who continues to deceive me and tries to kill my friends, but I still respect her as a person. After all, everybody has their quirks.
I also wanted to let you all know that I'm not a goth, and I don't dress like on either. I actually favor the hippie style most of all. Go-go boots, micro-miniskirts, gold chain belts, fringed vests, Pocohantas headbands, bell-bottom jeans, daishikis, peasant blouses, longs full skirts in tie-dye- that's my look of choice. I'm afraid of all you fanfiction writers merely misconstrued my design on the T.V. show and simply mistook me for a goth.
Most of you have paired me with Gambit, which is a good choice. I love a man who tries to cheat on me with my on mother, continues to cheat on me, and views me solely as a conquest rather than a legitimate person. It's so romantic!
Also, Gambit is my knight is shining armor. You see, I hate to fight, and I can't fight very well. I always need someone else to be there fighting for me, preferably a handsome, shirtless man with rippling muscles, because I'm too pathetic to actually defend myself. I'm always being taken captive, and I constantly need to be rescued from danger and subsequently manhandled by my big, strong boyfriend. My dream is to become the perfect housewife and to always need to depend on a man for income and protection.
By the way, there was never any feud involving Ms. Marvel fighting against Mystique and I. The only reason I gained her powers is because we got into a fight when I tried to cut in front of her in the coffee line at Starbucks. And even though I now have all of her powers, including super-strength, nigh invulnerability, and flight, I'd still rather wait around for a guy to rescue me, because I can't ever do a thing to help myself and instead have to remain a burden on other people. It's like I'm Bella Swann and Gambit is my Edward. We're so in love!
A/N: And that ends my series of parody letters. I may write another some day if I see more of those irritating and presumptuous letter-style fics again, but for now, I've written a letter for each character that I feel is utterly maligned in fanfiction, so I'm satisfied.
God, writing in that Southern accent was difficult. In case you can't tell, I hate it when people write out Rogue, Kurt, or Remy's accents, because it's so hard to read. Seriously, it's really annoying, and it only messes up the flow of the story. I'm not quite sure why people do that in the first place.
Yes, this was a parody. I really don't understand why some people didn't get that. My God, it's labelled, "Parody". What more do you want?
To make a long story short, I did this to emphasize how ridiculous these other letterfics are. If you'd like to discuss the pros and cons of letterfics, there is forum called "The AntiLetterFiction Nation" in the X-Men:Evolution forums. Honestly, I find letterfics to be irksome because they basically consist of deriding other writers for their creativity.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Peace!