I'm forever entwined with a longing to be with you. I'm always enduring this sharp pain knowing that despite my desperate hunger to feel you once more wrap your arms around me and interlace your limbs with mine will never be satisfied, knowing that you never were and never will be mine.
To lose the one you love is like walking up a staircase in the dark and believing there is one more stair then there actually is. As your foot falls through the air a revolting feeling invades your body and you can't help but feel as if you're going to tumble after the lone foot. There will be no end to the falling the pit of your stomach will drop right out of you and you'll lose it in the abyss.
After losing you it was so much more intense. It feels as if I've had every internal organ removed with rusty scalpels, only to have them crushed in your bare hands in front of me. This constant, mind numbing pain will never leave me; it always waits for the most inappropriate moments to strike. Paralyzing me and squeezing the oxygen from my unmoveable frame.
But despite the heart crushing pain, I still feel my body light up at your presence, and the feelings I still have shame me into silence. Because of you I have seen the wreckage my life truly is. You have caused me to look at myself and recognise what a complete and utter failure I am. The truth of this though, will never be revealed. It will forever remain my secret as I struggle to let you go.
The very thought of you fills me with such intense passion and wild longing that my sluggish form erupts once more with life, the kind which I could only receive in your presence. As the tingling warmth envelops my being a burning humiliation fills me and demolishes all traces of joyous life within me. Only to replace it with bitter shame, shame for still feeling that way about you and fro thinking that I could ever had the right to love someone as amazingly loyal, strong and loving as you are.
None of this is your fault. The blame is completely my own. I am guilty of taking your time away from you just to feel whole and loved. I used you for my own selfish reasons, and I've never deserved you. The whole time I've been with you, I've stolen from the people who deserve you most. You were the comfort I was never supposed to have and you've been taking back to the person who has always be worthy of you.
Because of you, I was able to shed my false shell and open myself to you, and you ran. No one could blame you, if their eyes had seen the shattered mess like you had. You stumbled upon how dismembered and damaged I truly am. You revealed the scars that will never heal. You are not to blame. You never were the fault is entirely mine. It's true that you were the cause of my last will of hope to burst into spontaneous flames. But the fault is mine for believing I had a right to open myself to you when I don't deserve the comfort of another person. You caused me to open my eyes to see myself for what I really am. For that I must thank you. I am nothing beyond weak, pathetic and out of touch with myself.
Levy placed Lucy's newest short story back onto the desk where she had found it. She had been aware that the celestial mage had such a dark approach to her writing, but something about this one didn't had the usual strings of hope for the character and obvious fantasy as the other stories hold. Levy had known them moment she had seen the paper that the words held truth that Lucy would never have the courage to voice without ink and paper because of the unmistakeable tear drops and smudges across the fine page.
Her heart broke when as the letters had danced in front of her, and she came to realise how much more Lucy had been hiding from her. "It's not your fault squirt" Gajeel's rough voice broke the blue haired woman from the depressing line of thought. Slowly he moved out of Lucy's tiny kitchen to stand beside her and read the tear stained paper. Levy sighed and moved her eyes to Lucy's immaculate floor. "I know," she eventually said, "but maybe if I had known exactly what was going on in her head, she would be back by now." Guilt had crept into Levy's voice as she thought of what could of gone wrong to keep Lucy from coming home from the mission she had taken by herself, that she promised would take no longer than three weeks. That was just over a month ago. The master had finally agreed to let her go after the blonde as long as she took Gajeel with her.
Levy regretted allowing the neglect Lucy was receiving continue for so long, but Lucy had insisted that she was fine with it, and it was only temporary. Her mind travelled back to the story. The one she's guess she or anyone else was never meant to read. Lucy was obviously not dealing well with Natsu and the others new arrangement where it was as if she had never existed. "Is bunny girls writing always this moody?" Gajeel looked up from the paper to meet Levy's gaze.
"Only when something is bothering her." She automatically replied, her voice miserable. Levy felt everything Lucy had described in the writing and she didn't like the emotions rolling through her like that. Tears began to build up at the corner of her eyes at the regret she felt for not making Lucy open up to her and allowing the emotions to stew in her. She felt so much regret at allowing Lucy to go alone. She should have insisted on accompanying her. As if he knew what was running through her head Gajeel spoke, "It's alright shorty, bunny girls probably just taking some time to relax after her mission. We'll probably find her lying on the beach prissy because we interrupted her tanning session." Levy couldn't help but laugh at the mental image of Lucy throwing a book at Gajeel's head and yelling about her privacy. "You're probably right. I just wish Natsu or one of her team had noticed she's been gone for so long. I understand them missed Lisanna, but it's been a full month." His rough hand connected with the crown of her head as her gently ruffled her hair. "Come on, I've gotten all I need from here." He said heading for the door. Levy checked the place over once before leaving the cosy apartment. "Lucy, please be safe." She quietly whispered to thin air as she locked the door.
Please review and be honest. I've been feeling unsure about my writing skill lately and I need honest feedback to help me improve. :D thanks for reading. It won't be the typical Natsu ignores Lucy fic. I promise.