Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows Episode 10: The Kids Are AlRight

With fond remembrance of Conrad Bain (who played Mr. Wells)

[Pit of Ultimate Darkness theme]

MILLIGAN: Hello. I am Sir Simon Milligan, and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate D-a-r-k-n-e-s-s… where's the reverb… I asked for reverb… [reverb shows] Not now, now now!, Nevermind, mind, mind… And now, we have some children in the audience…

[wolves yipping and howling]

MILLIGAN: Children of the night… HOWL IT UP! (dogs howling) for though our beauteous Angelique has died, she SHALL rise again!

HECUBUS: As what, Master?

MILLIGAN: That is yet to be seen! Now, my Impish Toady- we need a brief recap of the situation for our listeners.

HECUBUS: Ah- there is much ado as it seems both of the Evans clan are experiencing flashbacks to previous lives, though Sam has had the time and experience to digest them, Maggie has yet to resolve and decompress her information.

MILLIGAN: Yes, it seems since the two are related and live together they might consult each other or something.

HECUBUS: Oh no, Master, this must detestably stretch out, as in any other daytime drama…

MILLIGAN: (whispering happily) E-V-I-L!

HECUBUS: Tee, hee, hee… As we were, our twitter pated couplet Tony and Carolyn are driving back to Schooner Bay with the cleaned and refurbished portrait of Captain Daniel Gregg. Elizabeth Stoddard is surveying old diaries awaiting Cousin Lily, while Roger lapses back into his worry-free Dale Carnegie volume, secretly interposed by Barnabas Collins.

MILLGAN: Doesn't that guy still owe Sam Evans a cheque?

HECUBUS: Yes- Master! They have been a bit lax in determining that transaction. Also Willie Loomis is taking continued stabs with a metal nib pen they've surprisingly allowed into Wyndcliff Sanitarium.

[scratch, spittle, drip]

WILLIE: Arg! This is like nails on a blackboard… Another spraying splash on the page… Hhhhrrff! (gets up, paces a bit and sits) I am going to get it right. I am going to learn this.

MILLIGAN: Good chap, Willie! You know we all love you so.

WILLIE: Huh? Who said that?

MILLIGAN: Shh! Nevermind…

HECUBUS: Oh, Master, can't we go to Wyndcliff and give him a big bear hug?

MILLIGAN: :Later-r-r, Later-r-r…

HECUBUS: Okay… so, we also have Nicholas Blair composing a sense of restraint in the abode of the Collinsport Inn with the corpse of Angelique.

MILLIGAN: Yes… even with the corpse of Angelique I'd have to compose a sense of restraint…

HECUBUS: Master, that's not even evil… that's disgusting!

MILLIGAN: Oh stop being so modern! I meant a little kiss on the nose, you duffer!

HECUBUS: Ah! I see you're point, Master- but his restraint is due to having to confine himself to such smaller quarters than he expected to possess. It does make wicked spells harder to concoct.

MILLIGAN: (sarcastically) Oh, boo-hoo! Let him try hosting a radio show in a basement and get back to us!

HECUBUS: Hee-hee-hee!

[Dark Shadows Theme Opening]

HECUBUS: We now return to David joining Mrs. Johnson in the kitchen as she whips up a batch of hot cross buns.

DAVID: Mrs. Johnson?

JOHNSON: Oh, hello, David. How are you today?

DAVID: I'm alright. Are you making hot cross buns?

JOHNSON: Yes, they are just about done. And believe me it's taken some time to set them. They are not the easiest muffins to bake in the world.

DAVID: Harder than learning the song?

JOHNSON: The song?

DAVID: Yes. Aunt Elizabeth has been helping me out with that. How many have you made?

JOHNSON: Oh, well, I still have to bake a few, but when they're done, it should be over three dozen.

DAVID: Great! I can't wait to taste them.

JOHNSON: Good. David, do you think you could deliver a few to the Old House? I want to have something they can enjoy over there- and this is such an old recipe, I think they might make some good use of them. If it wasn't for Wadsworth I don't know if I'd have the ingredients on hand as it is.

DAVID: Really? I was thinking of doing that anyway.


DAVID: Yes, I wanted to have something to share. You know, I have so little to offer most of the time.

JOHNSON: Oh, Master David, I'd say your company works for most of us. Watching somebody grow is helpful to some of us who only having getting old to look forward to. (under breath) And I certainly don't want to see my son… a poor man's Willie Loomis…*

[sliding of baking sheet and setting it down]

DAVID: Mrs. Johnson, is it me, or have things actually been normal around here?

JOHNSON: Ho! Ah, I wouldn't say normal. Plenty of quirks and gloomy weather. Perhaps you mean there hasn't been an endless panic with us all biting our nails so often.

DAVID: That is what I mean. I used to be scared all the time. Now I'm just scared… sometimes.

JOHNSON: Really? And what do you think about that?

DAVID: Well, I don't like being scared… but I do like it not happening so much.

JOHNSON: Me too. You know, David, I think that's the item of interest to the folk in town. They have no idea their day-to-day is what we want, while they look at us and want this house's money and drama. (grousing) It ain't worth it.

DAVID: (contemplative) I've heard that… that people always want what they don't have.

JOHNSON: Yes, Master David, but as you said, it's nice not to be scared so much, isn't it? We've had that recently, and we want to keep on having it, don't we?

DAVID: … yes. I like some adventure, but the… tone… is better now, I think.

JOHNSON: So do I. Now, let me see if I have the right wrappings for this and you can be on your way.

HECUBUS: NOW we continue the bafflement at The Old House with Maggie, Barnabas and a round of hang-over cures.

MILLIGAN: Excellent! I hope this is as awkward as the last encounter!

[ice shuffling]

MAGGIE: Call me crazy but I'm going with the Bloody Mary.

BARNABAS: And I shall drink the Preventative Cure.

[liquid pouring]

WADSWORTH: There you are Sir and Madam. Would you like me to leave you alone?

BARNABAS: (sighs) Wadsworth, I think we'll need your providence in this concern and… say, (sips) Wadsworth… do you have a first name?


MAGGIE: (sipping) Oh, that really isn't important right now… what is… is… (open throat sigh) How did I know about that box? How did I know about…

[flapping wings]

BARNABAS: Maggie! That bird just came right to you.

MAGGIE: Yes… and… I don't seem to mind. (happily) Hello.

[subtle raven noises]

WADSWORTH: It is odd to see a strange bird allowed to be stroked so expeditiously.

BARNABAS: Yes… it acts as though it knows you, Maggie.

MAGGIE: I seem to know him. It appears to be very comfortable at the arm of this little couch. It's rather hypnotic… it's so large. And we never did find out what kind of bird you were, but I've got my thoughts.

BARNABAS: Yes, I have found the entry of different birds. Corvus Corax, or Common Raven.

MAGGIE: Really? Let me see (shifts) Oh, my… (turning page)

BARNABAS: Yes, the books are in fabulous condition for their years.

MAGGIE: They are, but I was trying to discern the text… ohh… or should I say dif-f-cern the text?


MAGGIE: (resignedly) Oh, the strength is with you on this one. I can't read it when all the S's look like F's. Still, that doesn't explain anything.

[further raven speak]

MAGGIE: Except you, of course, my dear bird.

[flaps off]

BARNABAS: Back up the stairs? Wadsworth can you follow him and make sure he behaves?

WADSWORTH: Very good, sir. (strides up the stairs)

MAGGIE: (sips) I think my head is starting to clear… and you know he makes a good Bloody Mary. Must've driven far for the ice.

BARNABAS: He might have gotten the entire load of things in town. I hardly know what his working conditions are exactly. That kitchen was rather dismal the last time I made a thorough search of it.

MAGGIE: (happy hum) That was a bold move for you putting out an advertisement. Could've turned out like… like…

BARNABAS: Do you mean like… Willie?

MAGGIE: Yes… I hope it's not a horrible topic.

BARNABAS: I was going to say the same thing.

MAGGIE: (slowly) No… ever since I found those earrings… something changed. There was a familiarity that put me into a trance-like state. I found myself thinking about things that hadn't crossed my mind since I was small, very small; the kind of memories that only stick because I repeated the stories about them enough times. Do you know what I mean?

BARNABAS: I believe I do. What else changed?

MAGGIE: Well, I did get somewhat more headstrong, then I'd start to recollect bits and fragments but it wouldn't lead to anything I could put my finger on. Like… a flash in the pan… Wait, do you know that phrase?

BARNABAS: Oh! In point of fact I am quite familiar with that one.

MAGGIE: Ah, good… as I was saying—

[knock sounds at the door]

BARNABAS: (agitated) Erm… what poor timing. (steps, opens door)

JOURNALIST: (jubilant) Good morning, Mr. Collins!

BARNABAS: I dare say it could be a good morning.

JOURNALIST: (slightly abashed but continues with cheer) Oh, I'll try not to keep you. I'm with Better Homes & Gardens and we were wondering if we could take another issue out on your renovations.


JOURNALIST: (befuddled) Oh, well… erm—our issue with your home sold so delightfully… We'd be willing to share a higher percentage of any profits with you. Our advertisers are happy to back it. In fact, they're the ones making such a strong suggestion to do so.

BARNABAS: This is not, in any manner, fashion, or mirage, a convenient moment.

JOURNALIST: Oh… I apologize for that, but I had to call in person… as you… have no telephone.

BARNABAS: And did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason for that?

JOURNALIST: (nervously) Ecc-en-tric-ity?

BARNABAS: Bless us! Does no one write letters anymore?

JOURNALIST: Oh! Whoops! Say, don't you ever get tired of seeing that repetitive address on your envelopes? You know, Collins, Collinwood, Collinsport, Maine?

BARNABAS: (pointedly) That is the nice thing about the new zip codes. It's given me something else to contemplate while I look through whose subscription I wish to cancel.

JOURNALIST: Oh… well… yes, um, we can definitely write you a letter with all the details to this offer.

BARNABAS: Do! Good day! (shuts door)

[tiny weeping gasps, hurried steps]

BARNABAS: Maggie? What is it? (sits) Oh, no, please do not weep so.

MAGGIE: (weeping gasps alter to a deep breath and hearty laughter) AHAHAA! Oh my … goodness! HA-hahahaha! That was fantastic! I wish I could take you home to answer my door!

BARNABAS: Oh… well (trying not to laugh) Perhaps you've had enough of Mary there.

MAGGIE: Only half a glass, I can't blame it on that. (chuckling) Can… can you refill this please?

BARNABAS: I suppose (fills glass) here.

MAGGIE: Thank you. (sipping) I just can't get over how sincere you can be. Carolyn was right.

BARNABAS: Oh? How was she right?

MAGGIE: People don't understand you because you're just so mod and way out.*

BARNABAS: If that's anything like a coxcomb I can't take it as a compliment.


BARNABAS: Oh, it means… foolish, conceited…

MAGGIE: No-o-o, I think she meant you're offbeat, less conventional. Somehow you follow your own way and it works.

BARNABAS: I hope that's admirable.

MAGGIE: It is to me. Anyway…

BARNABAS: Yes, you were saying.

MAGGIE: …around that time I thought back to that incident after I'd tried so hard to forget it and, maybe this is asking too much to accept, but I really felt like Willie wasn't coming to kidnap me after all.



BARNABAS: I'm afraid, even with all of the evidence against him, I never did believe it.

MAGGIE: Why not?

BARNABAS: Well, as you put it earlier today, I just know.

MAGGIE: (light snort) Touché.

MILLIGAN: And speaking of which— we briefly sojourn to the Addams Family residence.

[sounds of fencing]

GOMEZ: (puffing cigar) I don't know about you, Mr. Bradford, but there is something quite stimulating… I'd say even fetching, about two women clashing swords.

PETER: (entranced) Yes, Mr. Addams… I think you're on to something there.

GOMEZ: Cigar?

PETER: Well, just this once…

MILLIGAN: And now we return-

HECUBUS: Master… don't we want to stay here? (fascinated) Victoria… and Morticia… so dazzling… with their sabers.

MILLIGAN: I know. We'll go back to them later… and maybe just the two of us… But now we must return to view… the corpse of Angelique at the Collinsport Inn.

BLAIR: (thinking aloud) Hmm… now how did I plan this out before? … Oh… this is so difficult… She's finally at peace for a change. Why should I ruin it so soon? What an opportunity to relax and scope out other damsels. Maybe pull up some funds from a secret poker game. I haven't been in the land of the mundane for ages… there must be new intoxicants to explore… mischief to pursue.. people to deceive and confuse… and that Collins family… to just plain avoid!

[Otherworldly sounds and growls]

BLAIR: (sighs) All right all right all right… Forneus of The Deep need not rear his 29 legions in my direction. I can take a hint! … though I could use his knowledge of tongues at this point.

HECUBUS: I dunno, Master. Perhaps we should look up to this Nicholas Blair. He does have an apt awareness of demons.

MILLIGAN: Yes, but none of the ones he rubs shoulders with are polite… Wait a second, what is he doing to the corpse of Angelique?

HECUBUS: Oh Master! That looks familiar!

BLAIR: (chanting) Kava-Savah… Lah-tee!

MILLIGAN: (offended) Why is he performing the Sleep of Ages?! What a rip off!

HECUBUS: He IS a little out of it. He had to drink Angelique's Bloody Mary.

[Underworldly howls and groans continue… a knock sounds at the door]

WELLS: (aggravated) Hey, what the heck are you two DOING in there?

BLAIR: Abezethibod! Damn landlords! Now I've got to start all over again. (opens door, viciously) What?!

WELLS: (over-authoritative) Oh, think you run the place, do you? Come out here and try that!

[steps, door closing]

BLAIR: (calming down) Pardon me, Mister…

WELLS: Mister Wells. And don't forget I manage this hotel. Now what is all that racket?

BLAIR: We're… having our morning meditation, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: Swell! You do realize there are other people trying to enjoy their vacations in my establishment?

BLAIR: Oh, the two little old ladies in number 9, or the Shriners convention in… well… all the other rooms?

WELLS: Listen, Mitch Miller, the Shriners aren't even all here yet. And when they are you're really going to be asking for it if you're laying out a bunch of voodoo nonsense! They'll be all over your door before you can say "Bob's Your Uncle".

BOB: (calling up the stairs) What d'ya a want, Wells?

WELLS: I'm not talking to you, Bob!

BOB: Crimeny, that's a nice tone to take. See if I ever restock your little bar supplies again!

WELLS: (grumbles) Bah, now I've got more to deal with. Anyway, Mr. Blair, I have noticed a lot of noise since you came here. I'd appreciate it if you could tone it down.

BLAIR: Oh, I do apologize, Mr. Wells. You see my granny is a bit hard of hearing so-

WELLS: Oh? Is that the purpose of knocking into the walls, slamming the doors, and all that chanting going on?

BLAIR: Well, she is a tad klutzy in her old age, you understand.

WELLS: And does she enjoy moaning in bizarre voices while she stumbles about, too?

BLAIR: Oh, I'm afraid that is another part of her condition. Lots of aches and pains, sometimes she sounds like a howling cat, sometimes it even resembles creatures from another world, or so I'm told.

WELL: HUH! Well, you really should get someone to look after her better.

BLAIR: Oh, I am expecting my sister to arrive soon. She wanted to meet us and she loves the seaside.

WELLS: Ah, then I hope you're good enough with the room you've got. I'm afraid a bigger one won't be available for some time.

BLAIR: This one is fine, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: Good. I can't get many guests to take #13 anyway, so believe me, this is the freshest and least used room.

BLAIR: I always gather that possibility wherever I travel. And to show you I am obliged to your troubles here is a little tip.

[sound of paper]

WELLS: Ah, that is a lavish sum, but it's not necessary.

[sound of paper]

BLAIR: Well, if you ever require it, just say the word.

WELLS: When your sister arrives I might, that is, if the noise level doesn't drop as you've implied.

BLAIR: Of course.

WELLS: Excuse me.

BLAIR: Good day, sir.

[door opens and shuts, sizzling noises]

BLAIR: What the- DAMNATION! It worked! I hadn't expected that.

[closing curtains, sizzling fades out]

HECUBUS: Look, Master! The Sleep of Ages gave her back her youth.

MILLIGAN: REALLY? All right, it's time to patent that spell! (sighs) She is so… hot!

HECUBUS: Literally!

BLAIR: UGH! I haven't procured the coffin yet. Where the Hell is that lead blanket? Ah.

[ruffling of what sounds like a thick plastic blanket]

BLAIR: Phew! I hope she can heal before nightfall. I better get out and keep that appointment with the undertaker…

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile, down in the lobby.

WELLS: Sorry, Bob, I gotta a LIVE one up there.

BOB: (forgiving) Yeah, I know. You always throw me a stale bone of welcome when you get those loud patrons.

WELLS: So, what do I owe you?

BOB: Well, I got the case of tomato juice and a jug of whisky and vodka and-

[door opens]

BOB: (amused) WELL! Look who's here!

MILDRED: Hi, Bob, Hi, Mr. Wells.

WELLS: (sighs impatiently) Hello, Mayhem

MILDRED: (knowingly) I see.

BOB: (commiserating) He's in mood today, all right.

MILDRED: Oh, Singing-Along-With-Mitch, Mr. Wells?

WELLS: (grumbles)

BOB: Jiminy! That's gotta be the fourth reference I've heard outta you two. You make me want to check this guy out. Does he really resemble Mitch Miller that much?

MILDRED: Nah… well, maybe an evil one. He doesn't slick the hair back and doesn't have the goatee, but there is just something about the guy—

WELLS: It's like he's the alter ego of Mitch Miller. He's definitely got the moustache and that smile that threatens to just eat you up.

MILDRED: Yes, except this one is the real threat. His smile won't simply eat you up, it'll gnaw at your bones a while.

BOB: (jovially) Ah-h! Is he up there now?


BOB: (mischievously) Ya think he'd have another fit if I knocked on the door?

MILDRED: Don't do it, Bob. Trust me. He'll be around a while. You'll get a good look at him soon enough.

WELLS: Yes, Bob, listen to Millie. And when you do see him… try not to laugh-really. I know it's tough for you.

BOB: Okay, okay. Well, I have another box or two to retrieve here. (steps away)

WELLS: And what brings you in at this opportune time, Mildred?

MILDRED: I've got the prints to pick out for the new postcards.

WELLS: Oh, good! That's the best news I've heard all day. Let's have a look at those.

HECUBUS: We now take you to the soundstage that is the bristly forest between the main house and the old house, as our young David carries his hot cross buns and braves the terribly repetitive tune he's learned.

DAVID: Well here goes nothin' (singing) Hot cross buns! Hots cross buns! One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns!



SARAH: Oh, David… is that you? I was hoping…

DAVID: Y-e-h, phew! Oh, Sarah! I'm so glad to see you again! But you just about startled me into dropping these biscuits.

SARAH: Oh, don't do that. I'm glad to see you, too. And I'm impressed, David. How did you know?

DAVID: Know what?

SARAH: You knew just what song I wanted to hear…

DAVID: Really?

SARAH: Of course… you must have thought I really liked London Bridges, didn't you?

DAVID: (confusion) If you didn't … why were you always singing it?

SARAH: It was the only one I could remember.

DAVID: What? How can that be? I know plenty of songs.

SARAH: Oh, David, you don't know what it's like to be…

DAVID: A ghost?

SARAH: (sighs) That's really what I am, isn't it? I was worried that was what happened. I couldn't decide why I was still here and so much had changed. I hadn't. It seemed like yesterday I was so sick. It's all so troubling.

DAVID: I bet it would be. I've read stories about that. Getting stuck and repeating things and not knowing you're doing it.

SARAH: What have you got there?

DAVID: I was hoping you'd know.

SARAH: Hot cross buns! That's perfect! Are you taking them to the Old House?

DAVID: I wanted to bring them there. Do you think it's safe to?

SARAH: Just what I was after.

DAVID: Then how did I think of it?

SARAH: Well, you didn't on your own, you know.

DAVID: Sarah… who are you… really?

SARAH: Hmm… you know how I always said to stay away from the Old House?

DAVID: Yes… and I was never sure why you did.

SARAH: Let's go… now.

DAVID: Now I really don't understand.

SARAH: I thought not. But promise me something.

DAVID: What?

SARAH: If I go with you, you have to hold my hand, all the way there. Or else I might disappear.


SARAH: Yes, if you want me to get there you have to keep a hold of my hand. Or else I'll be gone.

DAVID: Alright. Will you help me carry the bread?

SARAH: That's the whole idea.

MILLIGAN: And as our two young friends carefully step through the brush together, we revisit Gull Cottage in Schooner Bay, as Tony & Carolyn are parking the car.

[car motor revs and then shuts off]

TONY: Well here we are.

CAROLYN: Excellent, now let's get that painting and…

TONY: Carolyn, wait a moment…

CAROLYN: Oh? Grabbing my hand for that spark of electricity again?

TONY: Yes but… um.. Captain, are you in here?

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg appearing]

GREGG: I am now.

TONY: (brief jolt) Phew! …Hello there. I was wondering if we could afford from you a bit of privacy before we venture in.

GREGG: Oh… (chuckles) Of course, Mr. Peterson.

[harp ripple of Captain Gregg disappearing]

TONY: Good. I was just hoping for a little-

MILLIGAN: Meanwhile INSIDE of Gull Cottage…

[manual typewriter noises, then harp ripple of Captain Gregg appearing]

GREGG: Mrs. Muir! Go to the telescope this instant!

MRS. MUIR: Well, hello to you TOO, Captain… now (steps) what do you want me to see?

GREGG: It's the couple returning the painting- this is too good to miss.

MRS. MUIR: Oh… Why don't I go down to greet them?

GREGG: No no—just enjoy the view.

MRS. MUIR: *sighs* Oh, all right… (adjusting spyglass) Where are they- oh, there… what? All right, they are leaning into each other and- oh my.

GREGG: Isn't that simply captivating?

MRS. MUIR: Captain Gregg, what are you trying to do, make me into a Peeping Thomasina?

GREGG: No. I merely found myself marveling at all the pieces falling into place for everyone involved in this and wanted to share.

MRS. MUIR: Oh my… he's caressing her head…

GREGG: Hair…

MRS. MUIR: Whatever… it's not every chap that instinctively knows doing that can drive a girl crazy.

GREGG: Well… not every lass…

MRS. MUIR: Mm-hm! Are you going wax rhapsodic about your steamy past again? I'm still trying to shuck off that odd publicity I got when you took that little liberty of yours in re-writing one of my stories.

GREGG: Oh! No. But you know, different strokes for different folks and all that.

MRS. MUIR: Ah, I see. I suppose what would drive one girl crazy likely would drive another girl, well… the bad kind of crazy. Oh, they're getting out of the car now. I better go down. You won't induce me to act like I'm talking to myself again, will you?

GREGG: Certainly not, Madam.

HECUBUS: And as Captain Gregg disappears, Mrs. Muir is able to step down to the front door and opens it as Tony and Carolyn bring the wrapped portrait to the door.

MRS. MUIR: Hello, you two! How was the drive?

CAROLYN: Excellent, Mrs. Muir.

MRS. MUIR: Oh, please step this way.

[lugging sounds, crinkling paper, etc]

MRS. MUIR: You're timing couldn't have worked out better. Martha's taken the children down to the beach for the afternoon.

TONY: Well, we did have a suggestion to when the best time for you was going to be.

MRS. MUIR: Oh? I don't remember the phone ringing. Had you talked to Martha?

[harp ripple]

GREGG: No, Madam. That was me.

MRS. MUIR: (gasps) I… well…

CAROLYN: Whew! Yes, he does enjoy coming out of nowhere.

MRS. MUIR: Oh… oh? Can you see…?

GREGG: Surprise!

: Oh! I suppose you all have become acquainted already? Well, you could have let me know, Captain. I thought I'd have to explain everything all over again.

TONY: No. He apparently made friends with our Mr. Evans in Collinsport.

MRS. MUIR: (authoritative impatience) Cap-tain—

GREGG: Oh, it was quite necessary. My arrival managed to skirt some danger he was in. And that is something we can all be grateful about.

[paper rustling]

CAROLYN: Yes, now how can we hitch this back up there?

GREGG: Allow me, miss.

[goofy music indicating levitation, and then a latch-like sound]

TONY: That's a relief. I must confess this all produces a fine sense of accomplishment.

MRS. MUIR: I'll say. That is amazing! It looks better than when I first moved into the house. What did Mr. Evans charge for the cleaning and touch-up?

GREGG: Ah, I believe we've squared that away, my dear.

MRS. MUIR: Another consolation. That's good considering I'm still waiting for my articles to publish next week.

TONY: It's odd. All this feels like it came into being by unseen forces.

GREGG: Oh, yes… (less serene) well, hello… you needn't all look at me at once. I came into this at the same time you fellows did.

CAROLYN: (jovially) Perhaps we're looking at you, Captain, because we can.

TONY: Or because you wish it.

GREGG: (snorts) Ah… humour … By the by, Mr. Peterson. It is rare anyone has called me a seaman- just wanted to tell you I didn't pass my notice.

TONY: Did I?

GREGG: Yes, when you first came to see the portrait.

TONY: Oh… you heard that, eh? (snort) Well I guess you would have done.

HECUBUS: And we return to the Old House as Maggie and Barnabas try to unravel the confusion.

WADSWORTH: Sir, I will be back after I put these tools away. I took some time to watch the raven and it is upstairs disposing of the, erm… rodent.

[steps out]

MAGGIE: Well, at least our feathered friend is making use of himself.

BARNABAS: My, you've got a strong constitution.

MAGGIE: (puts down glass) Oh, Barnabas, you've obviously never encountered a collection of all-night truck drivers swapping suggestive tales over their greasy breakfast plates.

BARNABAS: (vocal noise of distaste) Erm… why did you want to keep working at the Coffee Shop again?

MAGGIE: (sighs) You know, Pop made the suggestion and it completely made sense at the time but so far I'm only seeing one thing I wanted out of it.

BARNABAS: And what would that be?

MAGGIE: I'm looking at him.

BARNABAS: (abashed) Oh… A bold statement. (pauses) I suppose you shan't be very far away at the main house of Collinwood. But there is one thing I'll need from you.


BARNABAS: A way of acquiring that blend you saved for me the other night.

MAGGIE: Ah! I guess we'll have our coffee here then. That would- -what's that noise?

[doorknob rustling, muffled voices, steps]

BARNABAS: There's someone out there.

MAGGIE: No, wait, let's listen.

DAVID: If I have to hold your hand and hold the plate, how am I going to knock on the door?

SARAH: You don't have to hold my hand anymore, just on the way. We're here already.

DAVID: Wait, how are you going to knock on the door? Won't your hand just go through everything?

SARAH: (testily) If my hand was going to go through everything how was I helping you hold the plate?

DAVID: Goll-lee, you don't have to get touchy. What are you doing?

SARAH: David, this is my house. Why should I even knock at all?

DAVID: You're forgetting things again.

SARAH: Besides, there's a trick to this knob, or there was. Did it get replaced?

DAVID: Oh it might have been, but why not—

[door opens and a staggering silence ensues minus some nature sounds]

DAVID: (takes a deep breath) Well, I guess one of us should speak and it might as well be me. I'm hoping, well, you can see Sarah… right?

MAGGIE: (stunned) Well… yes.

BARNABAS: I can as well… erm… well…. Erm…

SARAH: Stop stammering, Barnabas. We've brought you something.

[steps, door shuts]

MAGGIE: What …have… you… brought?

DAVID: Hot cross buns. See, I was trying to come up with a song to bring Sarah back and I didn't dare sing the other one. So Wadsworth helped me find some old sheet music and that song was old enough that Sarah might know it. Then Aunt Elizabeth had Mrs. Johnson bake some, and, and… and here we are.

SARAH: But, what no one knew is I wanted them. I really did. I suppose I'd been wanting them… longer than I thought. Now, let's all sit down.

MAGGIE: I think I might faint.

BARNABAS: You wouldn't be alone.

DAVID: Here's your cane, Cousin Barnabas. Wow, you look almost as pale as you used to.

BARNABAS: Thank you. I don't think I've ever needed it more. I'll use this and Maggie, you can use me.

HECUBUS: Oooooo!

MILLIGAN: Oh, will you stop? I'm on the edge of my seat!

[stumbling footsteps and cushion noises]

SARAH: Now, let me see if I remember this … "Half for you and half for me, Between us two shall goodwill be", isn't that right?

BARNABAS: (vaguely calmer) Yes, my dear. That's correct.

SARAH: Except, as you can see, it's actually split four ways, which makes it perfect as there are four of us. Right Maggie?

MAGGIE: (also only vaguely calmer) Yes, Sarah. That's true.

SARAH: So, we'll all split one.

DAVID: Then pick the biggest… that one.

SARAH: A piece for you.

BARNABAS: Thank you.

SARAH: And you.

MAGGIE: Thank you.

SARAH: And you.

DAVID: Should I thank you even though I got them half way here?

SARAH: And one for me. And now we eat.

[Nervous chewing sounds]

DAVID: Hmm, that's not bad. Tastes a little like raisins.

SARAH: Oh, that's the currants. And now the goodwill will last between us four.

DAVID: Ah, I get it. Simple, right?

BARNABAS: Staggeringly. Sarah, why have you come back? Are you going to stay?

SARAH: Not for much longer, I think. But I wanted you all to know I hadn't forgotten you. And I was so glad to find out you were both here, together, and no one was getting hurt. You managed to be good enough and I wanted to tell you.

DAVID: (snaps his fingers) Positive reinforcement! I read about that.

MAGGIE: How… well… why…

DAVID: With everyone being so koo-koo around here I've been wondering about psychology. They always seem to go on and on about what makes people sick, though, and not what makes them better.

BARNABAS: (murmuring) "Out of the mouths of babes…"

DAVID: So when I heard about that I caught on to it like a flash.

SARAH: You'll need to keep looking for those things. More trouble will be coming.

MAGGIE: More trouble? What do you mean?

SARAH: Oh, it should turn out all right if you keep your wits about you. It's the lady who made me sick.

BARNABAS: Who made you sick?

SARAH: You remember. Not the last time I was sick. The time before that. I had the tea and got well again, Barnabas.

BARNABAS: The tea… the tea (recognition) the tea!

SARAH: Then I got well, but it wasn't the tea. It was her… to get what she wanted.

BARNABAS: (attempting to contain fury) To… arrange… a marriage?

SARAH: That's right.

BARNABAS: (making sounds as if to sneeze) Excuse me a moment. (rushes out the door)

SARAH: I suppose he had to find out sooner or later.

[angry scream]

DAVID: Wow! He's really upset.

SARAH: You should have seen me when I found out. He'll calm down, though. Don't worry, he's not angry at any of us. Maggie, did you find the box?

MAGGIE: How did you know about that?

[door opens and shuts]

BARNABAS: (gritting teeth) As if I had any respect to lose… (Clears throat) A-hem! So… (sits) The lady who made you sick is going to cause more trouble?

SARAH: Yes. But don't be discouraged. More help will come, too.

MAGGIE: Sarah, this may sound like a wild question, but did a little bird… well, a big bird tell you all this?

SARAH: No, a sea captain did. I'd never met him before but he's very funny. He let me know it was all right that I come back for a little while.

MAGGIE: A sea captain… sort of blond, with a beard, and a gray turtle neck shirt and a thick coat?

SARAH: Yes, that's him.

MAGGIE: Wow. I have to talk to Pop. Soon. Now.

DAVID: Aw gee. Just when it was getting fun.

SARAH: Tell him I said, hello. And tell him about the box. The captain said after that it would be smooth sailing.

MAGGIE: I sure will!

SARAH: And Barnabas, may I stay in my old room here for a… for a fortnight?

BARNABAS: (steps) Sarah "Makepeace" Collins, you may have anything in the realm of my powers I can give you!

MILLIGAN: While this reunion may have left you with an overdose in glucose levels we hope this one… well… won't.

[door knocker hits thrice… steps, door opens]

ROGER: Mnn? Ohhhh…. Oh, ho-ho-ho! Ha,ha, ha! HAAAAAA! Oh, Elizabeth, guess who's here?! And in a smashing outfit!

ELIZABETH: Roger… What on earth is so funny?

LILY: (warm jubuliation) Eli-z-a-beth!

ELIZABETH: Who… huh… (swoon/faints)

[Vedera's "Loving Ghosts" as outro**]

"Loving Ghosts" by Vedera

I don't know how long I've been here
the days all run together
You're gone but you won't disappear
Traces of you will last forever

It feels like...
If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second
and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and
It haunts me to hold you this close
but hurts me more to let go
That's why I'm still loving ghosts...

I'm still loving ghosts...

They say I should get on with my life
but I can't even get up
I'd rather believe... in this beautiful lie
than admit you're really gone forever

It feels like...

If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second
and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and
It haunts me to hold you this close
but hurts me more to let go
That's why I'm still loving ghosts...

Every sense is screaming
every hair stands on my skin
every room I feel it. You are here!
Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing...
My heartbreak, a chance worth taking
so on this floor I'll still be waiting...

It feels like...
If I hold my breath you'll walk in any second
and tell me it was all a mistake, cant believe that you left and
It haunts me to hold you this close
but hurts me more to it let go...
That's why I'm still loving ghosts...

and OH...I feel you this close now...
...I'm still loving ghosts now...

and OH...I feel you this close now...
and OH...I'm still loving, still loving ghosts...

I'm still loving, still loving ghosts...

All Due Respect To:

The Kids In The Hall

Clue (1980's film)

The Addams Family (1960's TV Show)

The Munsters (1960s TV Show)

The Ghost & Mrs. Muir (1960's TV Show)

Mitch Miller

Better Homes & Gardens

And of course,

Dark Shadows (1960's TV show)

*In Marilyn Ross's D.S. novel #18, Carolyn makes this reference.

*Joke about Harry Johnson being "The Poor Man's Willie Loomis" with kind permission of DS Annotations creator.

** Sorry about the random pop song I found 2 days ago (from original posting last year) during an engine search, but I felt it was more fitting for Sarah than the possible theme to "Diff'rent Strokes" I contemplated. :S